To go again or not go again.... Fear is holding me back 😞

*******LONG POST ALERT*****

So I don't really post on here much again...

Try to stay clear but every now and then the urge to take a look at how everyone is doing takes over me.

We had 2 failed FET cycles Jan and Feb this year from the same donor that gave us our 1st ever BFP in the first batch, but sadly had him early and lost him last year. Then she gave us another 3 eggs which we went on to have transfereed but didn't take.

Been kinda offfered a life line in terms of going again and having a fresh donor but I can't seem to get my head around if I want to do this anymore. Our relationship has taken a massive dive and we are struggling to get through these months as he will be 1 on the 4th July... so my heart breaks every time. My younger sister is pregnant with a Abby she didn't even want and I can't seem to take part in it.

Woman at work are pregnant and that's all the chat I seem to be having.

Am 42 and my story so far is

2 x M/c

1 x Eptopic

3 x fresh private cycles own eggs = BFN

1 x DE = BFP = Lost at 17 w

1 x new cycle same donor 2 x FET = Negative

Had my cards read 1 said I will succeed and the other said never in a month of Sunday's give it up.

How do I make this choice part of me wants to the other says enough is enough...

Don't know why I am even writing this post as only I can make the decision.

Anyways for those that have had joy keep being lucky and I wish you well.

Sadness means you are stronger than you think

2ww ladies be paitient and hang onto hope

Starting point... it's a journey that will change you.

Enjoy the sun ladies and gents xx

23 Replies

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  • Lovely post. I understand how difficult it is and what a hard decision it is to make the grief of infertility just consumes everything we do. My sister has just had a baby and literally all my friends are pregnant at the moment and it's incredibly difficult to remain positive and smiling. I would say fully explore every option with your husband that's out there then listen to your heart and what feels right for you both. Xxxx

  • You've had a tough time of it. I can see why you don't know whether to keep trying but ask yourself whether you think in say 5 years from now, if you decide not to do anymore treatment, will you have regrets? Do you think you'll look back and wish you'd tried one last time or do you think that you'll be at peace making the decision to stop here? The last thing you want is to live with regrets. As you say, only you can decide. Good luck with your decision xx

  • It's so difficult. I think if part of you still wants to try and you don't then will you always kick yourself?

    You've been through a lot and it's always going to be a worrying process because of the what ifs...

    What does hubby want to do? You need to be on the same page x

  • Sorry to hear all you have gone through really am, it's truly heartbreaking, I gave up for 5 years after my failed cycle like you my relationship struggled, we finally decided last year to try once more, which I'm hoping to start this July,

    Three was a post the other day if a lady that had be trying for 10 years 20 cycles (may have that round wrong way) and lot money later she now has her dream. So I'm saying don't give up your dream Hun maybe take time out and try again,

    I think sometimes we'll lot of the time or all the time this whole ttc / ivf takes over your life and makes you a different person,

    I Wish you well in whatever you decide, take care and don't be so hard on your self πŸ€β­οΈπŸ€ xx

  • Aw Tam it's such a heartbreaking disicion to make to put your heart on the line again. Like others have said if you don't would you look back with regrets but also understand when enough is enough. Big hugs whilst you make such a difficult decision xxx

  • My heart breaks for you, it really does :( but here are a few questions that may help you make the decision: 1) if you don't try anymore will you be able to take your mind off it and completely move on? 2) if you decide to try again, what can you do differently? Clinic change, donor change, anything that will give you a bit of reassurance (it's still a tough journey regardless). Whatever you decide to do, I want you to know that you have done your best in the past and you are taking the right decision for you now. I wish you the very best xxx

  • Oh Tamtam you've been through such a lot! Not to mention the fact that you have your sister pregnant out of the blue too, such a slap in the face when you're so desperate to be a mummy again!! I think the time of year is not helping how you are feeling, having the 1st anniversary of your list little one coming up must be so hard! It's sounds like it's very much still in your mind to try again, even with all you've been through. As you already know it's your choice and fear is probably getting the better of you but only you can decide if you're willing to take that step forward. Is your hubby Ok with trying again? I got told many years from a fortune teller that if have twins later in life and I still remember that so your readings must be swimming round your head. All the best with your decision sweetie!xx

  • Hey Tamtam i am sorry to hear of your situation and unease at what to do for the best.

    I suppose it's whether you think you can both move on and not have any regrets.

    I also think it's important you are both honest with what you want to do as you both need to be committed.

    It can affect your relationship for sure.

    You have already gone through so much love but is that possibly a reason for continuing. Don't leave any stone unturned.

    As you say only you and your partner can decide but I wish you lots if luck and love with whatever decision you make ❀😘 xx

  • Dear Tamtam,

    Really feeling sad down deep to my heart. You seem to be very strong and brave lady.

    It's saying that if God identifies you as much stronger than anything else, it exams you and gives more strengths to fight for next problems.

    I am sure that one day God will give up and you will succeed.

    My lots of love and wishes with you all the time.

    Take care

  • I'm sorry to read of your difficult journey. As you say only you can make the decision and what a tough one it is but I was struck by you referring to the fresh doner as a "lifeline", whether you chose this word consciously or unconsciously it jumped out at me and I get the sense your heart lies with trying again. I could be totally wrong and hope I'm not speaking out of turn. It's hard when we are in the middle of a crossroads to make a decision and I wish you luck with whatever you decide to do. Xxx

  • My dear you have had a really bad time . And believe me I'm in a similar situation. It's so hard to draw that line . And it's easy to say enough is enough.

    Bcoz all of us here have just one dream of being a mum whichever way possible. But in d end all of us are judge of our own situation. I know it's easy to say but difficult to comprehend. So I think if u have doubts then clearly u are not sure ull b happy quitting or else u wouldn't b asking these questions. And all of us have different situations but still one thing which holds us together that we've all accepted that we are not quitting on our dream . And there are always options to make our families complete.

    So Hun u take ur time . As much as u need . Think about everything and then do what ur heart tells u to. Don't just quit for d heck of it .

    Xxx

    God bless

  • This is so sad. I know exactly how you feel, one part of you wants to feel normal again and stop and the other part always thinks what if.

    Its so much harder when we're older (I'm 42 in November) and you don't have the option to take time out.

    I hope you're able to realise the decision that feels right for you. x

  • Thank you ladies for all your comments of which I am taking on board.. I posted sometime a while back that not all of if are destined to be mummy's....

    I take solace in being the mummy of my special πŸ˜‡ and hope that when I make my decision it will settle my ❀️.

    We are all special in every way GOD has dealt us this hand which we will never understand but hopefully one day can find the answers we need.

    For now we all bond is happy times, sad times, lonely times. Times where we just need to vent, cry, laugh, scream or just be here silently... whichever catorgory we each fall in we are here for each other and stronger than we all think we are.

    Xxxxxx

  • Hey lovely xx you have a big anniversary hanging over you.. we have just gone through the same and the build up to it is tough!! From my experience things ease a bit after the anniversary so why don't you try again after this has passed? I really think you should try again, easy for me to say I know! We too had a m/c, CP a stillbirth and 2 failed IVF cycles but one successful one which has made all of the heartache worthwhile! If you have got pregnant at least once then you will do again... a different donor is a good idea, because it means a totally different cycle which means a different outcome! Get July out of the way and then see how you feel, you will know in your gut if you can truly let go of trying again xx

    It's the biggest test of your relationship! Keep talking, communication is the key, go to counselling it really helped us as a couple xx

    Thinking of you xx

  • Thanks Mrs.....

    I think you are such a strong woman's after losing your Harrison so close to your end date... however his little sister shines with him.

    I agree with you thanks for you kind words xxx

    Hope princess is doing well and you and hubby x

  • Oh Tamtam it's so hard. I am the same age and completely understand where you're coming from. 1 M/c, 3 x own eggs = 2 BFN, 1 M/c. 1 recent DE = BFN The pain and heartbreak is like nothing else. The things we push our bodies through and yet all around I see and hear of people getting pregnant without trying or even wanting a child.

    I've tried everything and thought our DE would be the answer to our prayers, we even changed clinic for a fresh start etc. We're starting again in a few weeks but whilst they were struggling to put the canular in my hand for the 3rd time 'another procedure' I just broke down in tears in the theatre and said 'what's the point it probably won't work anyhow it's my 5th bloody go and all my friends have children and families now'.

    I quit my job last Sept to give my body a break and have been doing odd days supply work for ... what seems like 'people going on maternity, having hospital scans etc and then they come back in with their newborn whilst staff coo and take turns with cuddles. It's lovely but actually I often take myself off to the ladies and cry or try and sit in my car. It's so hard sitting around at lunch or during a break whilst people talk babies, families and looking at all the little gifts etc they have been bought and scans etc. Then they look at you and enquire "any children... don't leave it too late... you know what to do" and start chuckling. The truth is, they never know our story. My colleague used to attend meetings with a mug which had a photo of her babies scan on the side. I used to sit opposite that every evening.

    I was advised to have counseling for (5th attempt) as our consultant said with our FE quality it's not likely to work. I don't see the point, it doesn't give us another go, give us a baby or any paperwork that would help us adopt a child faster.

    I do know friends (more mature than ourselves) had 3 attempts many years ago and also ended up with 3 x BFN. They stopped, tried to pick up their lives and carry on. Apparently each time they have an argument she says "I wanted another go... " but he tells me he didn't know and they didn't discuss it. Now he/ they have this regret that they never 'had another go and what might have been'.

    I guess I'm saying it's devastating when you get nothing but heartbreak but you can't change the 'I wish we'd tried again'. Best wishes, hugs and support xx

  • I mirror exactly how you feel, heartbreaking....

    Let's keep the faith Jon and hope that our prayer will be answered

    I wish you well x

  • Ah bless u babez uv really beein through it..am exactly were ur at..my head says give up but my heart yearbs 2 be a mum the same as u..its a harm emotional journey we facing..take some time and think and heal from all u have been through..it really does put a strain on relationships i no from personal experiance on that to.its gonna be so hard my little one would have been born 23 march and tht day was the hardest day of my life then 2 get pregnant in may to go on to loose again..ita so hard to carry on but somethin in side pushes us..hope ever thing turns out great for u soon..al always here if u need to talk..

    Hugs x x x

  • what ever you decide I wish you all the best. If you decide to go again PM me I have been having different things done this tome that should help and found it interesting - hidden C etc x

  • So sorry for everything you've gone through - horrific. I know I'm out on a limb here but I would leave it now and just look after yourself and move on as best you can. Hope it starts to feel at least a bit better once the anniversary has passed.

  • Oh Hun, not surprised u r feeling like this with your precious angels date is coming close.i would save any final decisions til this has passed. Maybe mark the date with doing something special!

    The fact that u have been 'thrown a lifeline' to me seems reason enough to try again as that lifeline has appeared for a reason but assuming there's no expiration on that line, when u feel ready & not b4!!

    Want to give u a big hug xxx

  • Cheers hun. Expiratiin date is end of Dec/jan so decisions decisions.

    How you feeling?

  • Well I think see how u feel at end of the summer.concentrate on u & hubby for a few months and c how u feel then! Uv been so strong-u definitely have the strength to have another go if u decide to.

    I'm fine, not too hopeful but ok.had some belly sensations yesterday only very slight but nothing now 😒 Just to wait & see now xxx

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