Bad friend?

[teresabanner]

I’m feeling guilty, my future sister in law has announced she’s expecting her 3rd child. I feel so guilty because I didn’t congratulate her. She was going on bout how it was unexpected they weren’t trying etc. I feel so awful because I didn’t react like everyone else did. She knows me and her brother are starting our journey to see if we can have a child through ivf she even knows last results came back with a 0 sperm count but still every day she tells me bout her pregnancy etc.

I just feel so awful and feel like I’m not being a supportive friend but when I’ve explained look it is difficult for us not just me but her brother as well to see and talk bout pregnancy she then says we are against her children which is far from it.

Please tell me I’m not alone in feeling like this? I know there’s not an easy way to cope with all this, but I’m definitely not against her children or her having kids at all I just feel like a bad friend right now.

[Hidden]

Not at all - this is totally normal.

We had trouble TTC and just last night we told friends we were BFP and they didn't react super positively - we didn't know they were also trying and I totally understand if they struggle to talk about our pregnancy. I will be very very careful and sensitive to their situation as I have been through it and offer support if they want to confide in us. But completely understand if they want to have some time to deal with their own stuff.

You need space for this journey - and you have to focus on yourself to get through it. Do not feel bad or guilty.

I am sorry that your sister in law reacted badly to you being open about how hard it is. I think when people struggle they are a bit more sympathetic. Good on you for being open about it.

xxx

[L90fre]

Until someone is put in this terrible position it’s hard to imagine how it feels to suffer with fertility problems. A lot of my friends are pregnant and every time someone announces a pregnancy I feel like a terrible person and my jealousy for wanting to be in their position kills the joy I should be feeling for them. To make matters worse my boss is currently pregnant and hearing her everyday tell every single client of hers (and sometimes mine) that it happened very quickly for them absolutely kills me inside. I’m hoping each day will get that little bit easier as I hope it will for you too. Just know that you’re not in this alone xx

[_MrsC]

You’re worrying about being a bad friend yourself but from my view, where is her friendship? You’ve opened up and shared your heartache and she is ignoring it. You’ve been incredibly brave voicing your struggles and she is not taking that on board. Stop beating yourself up. She could do to take a leaf out of your book and reflect on her own behaviour. I feel frustrated for you and your husband. I suspect she’s not that happy about her situation but she must accept that everyone finds themselves in situations they would rather not. If she can’t respect your situation, that’s her bad and not yours. Please do not beat yourself up anymore. Feel sad about the situation but under no circumstance should you feel guilty. Big hug. xxx

[beauty1984]

I agree with MrsC, she knows what you are both going through and should be a bit more understanding. I have 15 nieces and nephews and it’s very difficult sometimes, but my family know what we are going through and understand that sometimes we just need a bit of time. Don’t be so hard on yourself, you are definitely not a bad friend. X

[S-wind]

I’m so sorry u feel like this, this feeling is the worst, other people get it so easy why can’t we???? It’s so annoying.

We went for our test to start ivf Tuesday, we had to wait in a room full of pregnant people happy and excited, the room was that full u couldn’t sit down. We waited whilst people got their photos of their scans. I thought I was over all that with trying for so long, I also feel the next train is coming along of pregnant people and I’m missing it again 😱 suppose no close family member is pregnant yet but it will come. Someone said to me who struggled to have their baby through ivf she said “ it’s not a matter of if!” “ it’s a matter of when!” We don’t deserve any of this. We are so strong and probably learn a lot about life and people goin through this journey. People keep saying think how special ur baby will be after all this, they’ve no idea.

I send u lots of love and wanted to let u know ur not alone if I could see u I’d give u the biggest hug because no one deserves to have these feelings it’s awful. So much love to u xxxxxx

[LanaTerene]

Hey, there. I love your honesty. I can understand exactly how you feel. It must be really tough for you. Of course, it's normal. I felt the same way. I hated myself for it. It's the most difficult thing in the world. Just try not to show it. You can't expect people to understand. Simply because they haven't gone through this. They cannot understand how hard it is. I hope you get what I'm saying. My prayers are with you. Don't lose hope, okay? Things will get better for you, too. You can do this!

[JuliaBenz]

Oh, no! You're not a bad friend. It's totally normal to feel this way. I can understand how it feels. It's just a really tough time for you. Good luck to you, though. I hope things get better!

[Hidden]

Tbh I’m a Mam of 2 if someone didn’t congratulate me I couldn’t give a toss 3rd baby you’ve had all the oooh baby talk. If she’s a good friend she’ll understand how hard it is for you.

[Starryeyes1984]

I think lots of people feel this way. I know I do! To be honest I think your sister in law is being insensitive. I’m actually really surprised at her reaction when you raised it with you! I’m generally a calm person but if anyone said that to me I would lose it! Your current feelings don’t make you a bad friend and it doesn’t mean you don’t care about your sister in law and her kids. Please be kind to yourself ☺️. This whole journey is an emotional nightmare at the best of times but we should try to avoid adding to the struggle by being so hard on ourselves when we have negative feelings.

[glt01]

I would maybe suggest to her that at the moment you're really struggling with your fertility stuff and you're very happy for her but need a little bit of time to process the news. Maybe gently suggest to her as well that if she's talking to you about the pregnancy not to dwell on the fact that they weren't trying, it's not that you don't love her or her children but it's a sensitive topic and you just need some time to accept the news. Good luck x