I kind of guessed my friend was pregnant, as a month ago she asked our group if we were free for dinner for a date a month in advance. She was open about starting trying on her wedding night and got lucky the first time.
I missed the meal due to trying to eat healthier for IVF, and it took her 10 days to text me to tell me - excuse being she’s been busy with work 🫠. I’m already feeling a bit disregarded (especially as the other girls were told not to tell me), and she knows that I’m preparing for IVF.
In this text last night, she then decides to rant about how she has to relocate before baby is due in April, how she has to hand her notice in for a job that’s she’s “paid very well in” and will be on statutory mat pay (like the majority of us), and then complained about how it was all bad timing. My initial response (other than congrats) when she said she was pregnant and had planned to tell me face to face was that I’m glad she didn’t as I’m not sure how I’d deal with it right now with my current treatment. If this doesn’t scream it is a sensitive subject for me, I don’t know what would.
I just don’t feel like she is being a very considerate friend. Even during another friends baby shower in June, she proceeded to speak about herself and her wedding for 80% of the event, and did the same thing on my birthday 2 weeks before.
How on earth do you distance yourself from it. Regardless of whether my IVF is successful or not, I just don’t know how I can cope with another 6 months of hearing everything bad about her pregnancy and lead up to birth.
Sorry if this isn’t necessarily appropriate for this group, but I’ve seen similar types of posts previously and good advice!
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Aww love I’m so sorry. My experience is that people who haven’t been through ttc issues genuinely don’t understand how awful it is for us. And therefore just don’t think.
I would distance myself for a while - you have to protect yourself xx
Not nice! I find the "how hard my pregnancy/young child is" chat difficult to deal with but no one knows what we are going through so at least I can put insensitive comments down to ignorance. I think you have to protect yourself. Mute WhatsApp groups, block Facebook notifications, avoid the events. Whatever you need to get away from it for a bit until you feel able to rise above the stupid comments without feeling hurt. And just know you will never make anyone feel the way she is making you feel right now.
Lots of people know about our fertility issues and even when people say things in work sometimes, I politely call them out on it. But this friend gets so offended very easily and it always becomes a massive thing if you say something, so I think the step away is going to be the best thing x
this is all so familiar. From experience people will neverrrr everrrr be considerate if the didnt go through it. But i always had the most difficulty with when they were pregnant. I think thats because we want it so bad and they just moan about it constantly or it seems like that. Once the baby is there i never felt that irritation. Not real advice but just distance yourself from them. Trust me they not worth it xxx
I agree with the pregnancy vs new born thing - mainly because I am not a fan of new borns 🤣and actually I don’t envy that in the slightest. It touches a nerve that people can easily get pregnant which most of us here just can’t!
It's so hard to deal with comments about how hard pregnancy is when you are preparing for IVF. I completely feel your pain, I've had the same experience with a really close friend. I had to just take a complete break from reading pregnancy updates at times and make excuses for why I was tied up all day. You have to put your own wellbeing and mental health first. I also found going to counselling helped me to process some of the emotions better as it can be really hard to speak to friends/family about how difficult it is to deal with those comments. Also being compassionate towards yourself is important as fertility treatment is an incredibly tough process. Sending support your way xx
Thank you ❤️ I think I’ll be muting and removing myself from group chats for a little while.
I’d love to do counselling again, but I have struggled to find someone locally that I’ve got on with 😢 (since my last lady retired), the last person I had made some very insensitive comments about fertility issues! Xx
This really is a difficult situation you’re facing , this all sounds familiar too. I’ve been there with so many insensitive comments from close friends/family. Sadly people just don’t understand any aspect of what we go through with ttc issues/ivf when they fall pregnant so easily. Then feel it’s ok to complain about circumstances like “bad timing” & so on. It’s terrible to have to hear all of that when you would give anything to be pregnant & having to go through all the treatment.
Not quite the same but recently I had to sit through a conversation with my sister in law saying how awful it is she has to rely on“birth control” & how difficult it is to remember to take the pill now she’s a busy mum !! & the worry of her getting pregnant again when she only wants one child” , she got pregnant straight after coming off the pill & we were pregnant together after I had many years of ttc ivf & so on , sadly we lost our daughter . And have been through further ivf since . So the insensitivity of comments even after all of that doesn’t seem to stop these people.
I just don’t get why they wouldn’t sit & think certain things like pregnancy would be so hard for us to cope with.
I wish I had better advice but all I can really say is try to distance yourself from certain situations, not to say don’t see your friend but if things are going to affect your mental health then it’s best to steer clear to protect yourself, because if we don’t things can all build up .
Take care & best of luck with your upcoming treatment x
I honestly think I will have to stay away from her because there’s not been one event this year where all topic of conversation has been on her 👎. I’ve always struggled to not saying anything.
How awful for you and for your sister in law to not take a step back and think about what she’s saying. I’m a bit of a big mouth and would tell someone in that situation to get the coil or have their partner done🥴!
Thank you - and good luck to you with your treatment (if you have any more rounds/FETs booked in) xx
it’s so difficult! But she just hasn’t been through it so she will never know how crap she is making you feel right now … even when I had been through it I still slipped up and regretted some of the things I said when pregnant to friends I knew were still trying… the words just accidently pop out when your brain is mush 🫣 (‘omg I feel so sick’ ‘I’m sorry I can’t make it I have a scan and they take ageees at our hospital’ ) it’s just all consuming in your mind (similar to IVF) and it’s hard to think about much else. My own friend has just done the same to me knowing I am going through a misscariage in almost the exact same circumstances she did 3 years ago she still had a moan that her 4D scan they couldn’t get a good image and had to go back next week! This is an IVF baby she is having after years of heartache. It stung but I know she doesn’t mean it, so even those who know all too well can be a bit insensitive when pregnant. It’s like the worse combo we are at our most sensitive time and they are at their most insensitive time and both for good reason!!
Pregnancy is HARD being financially insecure at that time by moving jobs and location must also be really HARD and scary so she’s absolutely entitled to moan about it and get support from her friends as it’s probably one of the hardest things she will ever go through BUT you need to make it clear that can’t be from you right now as it’s too triggering. Neither of you is ‘wrong’ you might p*ss each other off as neither of you can provide what the other needs right now (she needs pregnancy support and you need to not hear about her pregnancy in any kind of detail) but you need to be selfish and distance yourself from it if it protects your feelings and mental health. I’d be honest with her and say this to her and that it doesn’t change anything for the future but right now neither of you can be who the other needs. In my experience it might well mean you do drift apart permanently , but not always especially if you are both honest with each other. From some of the other stuff you have said about her generally though it’s sounds like pregnant or not you aren’t enjoying her company anyway perhaps? I’m so so glad you weren’t at the meal though, that would have been so tough for you. Good luck for your IVF round 🤗💜xx
You hit the nail on the head. I luckily had a little boy last year (natural at the last minute before starting IVF), and so the comments don’t hurt me half as much as they did back when we were preparing for IVF in 2021. But yes, it’s the friend and the fact that every meet up revolves around her life and now it is going to be 100 times worse as all she’ll speak about is life problems connected to pregnancy. I think it’s hardest knowing that I won’t be able to meet with my girls as a group if she’s there, because I will be (and have been in the past), blunt and say it as it is if she’s being unreasonable about something. She gives me the cold shoulder in front of everyone and I find it incredibly awkward, but she’s always been like that, asks for advice and never likes to hear it 🫠. I really just wondered how people had approached this and whether they have been that direct with a friend in terms of highlighting to them that they do need to consider other people (no matter what the subject). The friendship has probably run its course, but it’s one of those awkward situations when you are in a larger group of friends xx
Yeah the group situations are defo hardest to avoid! You need your friends too so hopefully she won’t make you feel pushed out, good for you for saying it like it is sometimes that’s the best approach especially with certain personality types. Ps I haven’t really found it much easier to hear pregnancy related stuff when trying again even though I have a little boy, stuff about peoples kids is obviously not the same issue it once was but if anything it seems harder this time even though we are already so lucky with our little miracle xx
It’s a funny old thing isn’t it, because you would expect after the first that the feelings would go away. I still think it’s the underlying grief, uncertainty and ‘why me’. Like I say, I don’t suffer as bad, but it’s really the type of people they are and how easily they got pregnant. I’ve another friend who just had her second and announced when we started trying again, but I have been fine about it and so happy for her, because she has been so compassionate and caring towards me and my partner xx
Oh I wish it was that easy! I’ve done this one someone previously that attacked me when I fell pregnant naturally whilst waiting for IVF, and because I didn’t tell her before 12 weeks she said I was making her a laughing stock 🫣 - pretty unbelievable!
This situation is just a pain though because we are all part of one bigger friendship group that regularly does things together 😖 xx
It is very difficult to send these messages and tell people. I have been struggling with tcc and infertility - gone through ivf. And I found it really difficult telling my friend who is about to start ivf that we had a successful cycle. Felt so guilty it had worked for us - which is really bizarre really! And then I got a bit upset I felt like that! Took me days to figure out how best to approach it. I knew I wanted to text, so she could deal with the internal scream alone.. before we met. And I wanted her to hear it from me, not others. And I wanted to warn her before I said in case it was not a good time to receive the text - but as soon as you send a warning… you know.
I am not saying she did right. I think she should have told you first by text before planning on announcing it in a big group. And she should be sensitive with the chatter to you - but I think she is just not thinking. Just wanted to put a slightly different perspective on it because it is really difficult!
But I think the best policy is to be honest and tell your friend it is hard for you, and you may need some time. And maybe distance yourself if you need! Or ask her to maybe keep that chat to you minimal. With my friend we have promised each other to let each others know if we need a “time out”!
I hope you and your friend will be ok! But be kind to yourself and look after yourself - whatever you need! Your friend will hopefully understand! 🧡
Oh well, that has been a difficult situation for you🥲, but im so glad you and your friend have an understanding.
You are right and she wasn’t thinking, but that is such a common occurrence for her too🙃.
I think I’ll just take a step back, and explain to my other friends why & what has hurt me. This friend in question will no doubt question them why I’ve gone quiet and I’m sure it’ll become obvious. I just don’t want the conflict right now as it will end up in me not sleeping at night! Xx
It's a tricky one and I think depends on how strong your friendship is and whether you want it to continue, probably after a bit of distance. People become caught up in their own situations and worries and it becomes consuming, they don't always have the right filter on - I am guilty of this and feel bad afterwards. You can only take on so much of someone else's stuff and if you need to take time away from it it's understandable. But it may work the other way too if she's worrying about how she's going to manage with massive life changes and uncertainties, and may be feeling she's also not getting the support she needs. Having kids changes everything, especially your friendship group - the dynamic goes very weird between those who have kids, those that don't, have had losees, don't want them, not even in a relationship... and it may all come back together in the end or it may not. You can only do your best to look after yourself, and then if you have room and mental strength, others. Just prioritise who you spend those resources and time on and let all the noise pass on by x
You are right, I’m also guilty of staying things and regretting them afterwards. And I’m not sure I want the relationship to continue anyway, as there is only so much of listing to the same person’s problems over the years (and being disregarded yourself) and arranging around them constantly that you can take.
I think half my problem is that I put on a very hard exterior and people think I don’t get upset or offended by things, but actually it’s the total opposite and I end up with sleepless nights as my mind whirls.
Ive debated speaking to her about the not telling me for 10 days situation, as that has upset me and I feel her excuse of work is simply just an excuse, but actually I know if I bring it up it will result in another anxiety ridden night for me, so I’ve decided otherwise. It’s such a hard place to be! Xx
I don't know if it helps, but we didn't tell anyone about ttc (for 10+ years!) let alone IVF, and one of my coping mechanisms was to say we didn't want or weren't ready for kids, or just to waive any questions on the subject away. Because of that I had friends that I think were relying on me not to 'leave the gang' and have kids, especially those that were single. When I got pregnant through IVF I was a total coward with these friends and put off telling them as long as possible, or seeing them or even messaging them as I felt deceptive. But the longer I left it the worse it was. I just didn't want to let them down, or upset them, or make them feel deceived. So maybe your friend had a similar dilemma, or maybe she's just a bit self-involved, but there may just be something a bit more to the busy/work explanation, and maybe if you can make peace with whatever the reason it will be easier on you both x
Fruitandflowers Can I please ask, did you reach a point where you were making excuses to people and thinking "this is just not believable any more"? And, if so, how did you deal with it? The lines of "we aren't ready, dont know if we want, so much life to live first" have been my go-to's since 2017 and these days I'm finding it more and more difficult to hide. I don't want to say "we don't want children" as I can hear it doesn't make sense when I'm so interested in my friends' kids (and potential grandparents would also be devastated), but I also can't say "we are not ready". I've run out of excuses - the house is big enough, the job is secure, I've had the promotion, the finances are good (they might not be by the time we have finished IVF!), we have been on all the holidays, and quite frankly we don't have the time to sit about not making decisions about whether we want kids... But we also dont want to share the IVF journey. So I'm just stuck awkwardly avoiding conversations and changing subjects - I've literally pretended not to hear the question recently and just started up a whole new conversation!! My social skills are definitely not what they used to be!
I think because we were together so long and I'd always shown zero interest in other people's children, plus had a very busy job and good career, people assumed we must just really not want them. Maybe some of the more clued-in people suspected there was a problem and that it was a defence mechanism. But either way they just stopped asking, well apart from the occasional drunk friend who was curious and wondering about their own situation, and I could deal with that.
I didn't want anyone to know - I didn't wany anyone feeling sorry for me, or to be gossip, or for there to be any additional pressure. But then it may it quite awkward when it did happen and I got masses of what made you change your mind? But I thought you didn't want them? Also, my OH's not bothered but I did sometimes find it hard not to be able to share what I was going through, and why sometimes I wasn't well, always broke, not particularly social... but then maybe assumed that was just my default after a while too!
It's your personal situation and anyone remotely sensitive should pickup that you don't want to discuss, or just not raise it as it's such a loaded subject. But sadly that's often not the reality, so waive them away, change the subject or just leave the room, they should hopefully get the message x
That's really helpful thanks. So similar to us. We have been together for 17 years. We are both very career-focused/ambitious and been preoccupied with work and other things for years which has been a great cover. I used to be able to just bat away the questions and comments but it is getting harder. Our close friends have stopped asking and seem to have assumed either we have made the decision not to have children or can't (and either way just avoid mentioning it), but every so often we get an insensitive comment or question from friends, family or people we hardly know(!) and I just struggle with what to say that can come out honestly / in a believable way. Unfortunately my husband was very open in younger years about wanting a family so usually the comments are directed at me (in the tone of "It must be her who doesn't want. You know what these career women are like."). Maybe I'm just ultra sensitive this year with all the IVF failures and I'll get my strength back to bat the questions away some time soon! Or even better, be dealing with their shock when we have good news to announce! 🤞 I laughed reading your experience of that as can absolutely see some of those insensitive comments coming out my friends' mouths!! As you say it is completely personal and I am the same - I don't want to deal with other people's pity or sadness on our behalf, or pressure to keep people up to date. Sometimes I do wonder if people might be more understanding if they knew but you never know how people will react and it isn’t news you can take back if you regret saying something. Thanks for sharing 🙂
Just a slightly different perspective to it… I’ve always been open with friends and family, and don’t get me wrong, it’s felt like pressure when treatment has come up because they ask lots of questions, but I find it so much easier to say I can’t attend stuff for fear of catching illnesses/can’t eat naughty food (sometimes I can go but it’s a great excuse if I’m not feeling it!). I am a bit of an introvert and like my quiet evenings in etc, so it gives me a good excuse to be like that.
People did assume after we had our little boy that we must be cured of all fertility issues, and insensitive comments have started from that. But now we’re paying private for a round, a lot of people know it’s full on IVF so actually recognise we do still have an issue, but I’ve also told some (work) that we’re just collecting eggs for the future, which has actually stopped a lot of questions. People just accept egg collection as a situation that you want kids but you’re not ready for them, so that could always be something you tell people if you feel it’s getting too much to say you don’t want kids xx
Yeah that's interesting. I've found this year I've cancelled a few things because I've just not been feeling up to going (ie just finding out we have a BFN and then having a kids birthday party the next day or - similar to you! - pulling out of a social lunch I knew would be full of people moaning about how hard pregnancy and/or being a mum is when I just wasn't in the right place mentally to hear it and provide the right support) and I have definitely thought it would be easier if I could just explain why I was pulling out. Likewise with feeling ill and avoiding illnesses. My mum and dad appeared at my house with flu a few days before our first cycle and I was livid 🤣 Luckily didn't catch it! Work isn't so much a problem for me as I have disclosed treatment there to a trusted colleague and have good support. But balancing that against the pity, questions etc I think I'm not yet ready to share what we are going through. And as I said, if telling people doesn't make things easier it isn't like you can just take it back! I think the egg collection chat won't work for us as I think part of the awkwardness is people around us wondering why we are leaving it is so late and worrying we might regret not deciding to have kids earlier in life. Obviously they dont know we did decide to have kids earlier in life, it just hasn't worked out that way.
It’s just frustrating that people have to worry about your life and the decisions you make, that only effect you, ey!
Well hats off to you, because I have no idea how you go through it all without telling people, even just the appointments and getting out of work/not feeling great/needing someone to look after the dog etc is a lot to deal with, so how you balance life and IVF secretly, I will never know.
I wish you all the best and fingers crossed you get some success ❤️❤️
oh this is just so hard! I had this with one of my closest friends. The first time she got pregnant it was a mistake (they accidentally had unprotected sex for the first time and got pregnant instantly). She knew all about my infertility and my preparing for IVF and the next day decided to drive 2 hours to tell me face to face how unbelievably easy it was to get pregnant and how surprised she was… obviously this was hard to take but in a way I found being the one person she told comforting. I guess I was living the pregnancy through her… Sadly she has a missed miscarriage. But a couple of months later she got married and pregnant again, first try! This time though she didn’t tell me until 12 weeks (but I suspect she told another of our close friends instead). Oddly though, I knew immediately! It was awful my first round had had to be cancelled and I needed a surgical procedure before I could start over and all my colleagues at my new job were either on pat/ coming back from mat leave/ heavily pregnant and my sister in law had just announced she was having their second! I was devastated. I didn’t handle it well when she announced on our group chat and then all the talk centred around was her pregnancy and her amazing ability to conceive instantly! I couldn’t hack it and told her. She found this really awkward and we basically cut ties until the baby was born, it was really hard and I felt abandoned by my friend but it was definitely the right thing to do. Once she gave birth I reached out and we have repaired our friendship. I would definitely distance yourself and leave group chats that centre around the pregnancy! IVF is hard enough, there’s no need to torture yourself.
People who have no trouble conceiving just have no idea!
Hats off to you for repairing your relationship! I really think this will end up being the end of our relationship - I’m sure something else would have triggered it if it wasn’t this. I’ve removed myself from the chats (before the talk starts), so hopefully it’ll make it easier.
But you’re right, they do have no idea. And what a fairytale they all live in getting pregnant first time, gah! Xx
Some people dont know how hard this is and i suppose rightly so....nobody gets it until theyre in it. Some people are just plain selfish! Its hard to know which is which but if its not the latter then get rid, you don't need that negativity. I had a shitty experience with friend too and we don't really speak much now (I doubt she'd know why), my choice....cant forget how rude she was when I was doing treatment....sent a picture of two buns in an oven saying "guess what".🙄 Then excluded me from our friend meet ups. Pretty devastating on top of multiple cycles, failures a mnd loss. Try not to let it get you down, distance yourself if you need to....this is your time and you needbto put you first! Hugs.xxx
Ha ha ha indeed she was! We still didn't get our friendship back but if I'm in her company I can be pleasant.....I'm sure she still doesn't know what an arsehole she was but it's her loss!🤣 You have to look after yourself in treatment.....its a shitty enough time as it is!xxx
I think people are inconsiderate at times and get so wrapped up in their own lives.
My friend is going through IVF and I know from her how hard this is physically and emotionally to get through.
I recently had a miscarriage and I went for lunch and my friend told me she was pregnant. I didn’t have the heart to tell her… she keeps sending me updates and I’m not coping so I have had to quietly distance myself. Your friend should know about your situation and it is not on.
I agree with Millibanks. They just don’t understand what we are going through. I even had some ivf friends who got pregnant and had baby quickly, kinda being insensitive about my struggle of 8 years . I just ignore and avoid . Expecting them to understand and be supportive is talking to a wall
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