I’m a bad friend: I’ve been quiet on... - Fertility Network UK

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I’m a bad friend

Jam-master profile image

I’ve been quiet on here for a bit but do still check in. One of my good friends just txt to say she’s pregnant. She had said she wanted to get pregnant right after she got married and she basically has, and I’m happy for her but just also ashamed to say I’m annoyed 😔 that’s not being a good friend...you do just think, that’s not fair! It’s a very immature response to think it’s not fair, but it’s how I feel. After 3 failed FET’s I just think, why are things so simple for some people and not for others!!

Sorry, I knew I could vent to you guys, only you guys understand 😔

30 Replies

There's nothing to be ashamed of! Is normal to feel this way after all you've been through. TTC is a mix of emotions plus the fertility treatments that are full of hormones. I've had an failed IVF round and sometimes I'm disappointed, angry or some days I'm immune to everything. We're like a bomb that is waiting to blow up. It's ok to feel how ever you want!!!!!Who doesn't understand you, doesn't deserve to be by your side!

You’re not being unfair, you’re a human who is hurting for yourself and anyone would be in your shoes. I was the same when my friend fell pregnant with identical twins after a month of trying and immediately after my first miscarriage, and the same when my sister fell pregnant accidentally whilst on the pill just before I began my first IVF cycle. I couldn’t believe their good luck vs my own bad luck. I was happy for them but I was in a lot of pain for myself, and they both knew and understood that too.

To help cope, I just stepped away a little and focused more on how I was feeling and getting myself through my own process.

Take care of yourself 💛 xx

Jam-master profile image
Jam-master in reply to XOXO13

Thank you, I know I’ll be ok, like I say, it’s just hard and so f#*king not fair, for all of us. I’d been doing ok the last few weeks, just this is a bit of a blip xx

You’re not a bad friend! I tooootally get this. I wrote a post 4 months ago… and that same friend is now 15 weeks pregnant (my maths tells me she fell pregnant just as she started trying!) was a very difficult piece of news to deal with, and I’m keeping my distance to protect my own heart. Sending you love - you aren’t alone!

Jam-master profile image
Jam-master in reply to Patches86

I knew I wouldn’t be, which is why I felt ok to post here, strangers who can sympathise aren’t strangers. Thank you xx

You're right. It's not fair. It isn't. In situations like this I would try and remind myself that one thing has nothing to do with the other, it's not like there's a limited number of babies, and someone else having one doesn't affect my chances at all. But you're still left with the feeling of envy and unfairness. I'd say have a good old vent on here to get it all out in a safe space for your own peace of mind. It's ok to feel like this and we all understand you and you're not a bad friend at all - just someone who's been dealt a sh*tty fertility hand and is doing the best she can. Big hugs xxx

Thank you, very well put! Like I say, I’ve been feeling ok and just putting fertility out of my head for a few months, it’s just opened up a wound that wasn’t healed xx

Awww you’re not a bad friend at all!! After everything we go through it would be rather strange if you didn’t feel like that!! I felt exactly the same with my best friend who was absolutely adamant she never wanted children yet with lockdown and covid they decided to try and fell pregnant in months!! Also, my older sister fell pregnant “by accident” I was annoyed and angry and sad for myself but at the same time so very happy for them! It’s perfectly 100% natural to feel the way you do!!

Be kind to yourself!! xxx

I’d say that Ivf normal 😘💐💐💐 it hurts to watch the ease that others have 🥺 hugs to you

Jam-master profile image
Jam-master in reply to RhinoCat

You’re so right 💕

You are not a bad friend; I felt the same way with my best friend. I do very happily for her, but my heart cries. I had two miscarriage in the past, and two failed IVF. I told my husband about this situation as I didn't want to talk to my friend as I felt so sad for myself. You are not alone.

Feeling a mix of emotions doesn’t make you a bad friend at all! It’s completely normal to feel that way and I think few people on this Network would have felt any different. I guess next steps will depend on whether she knows you are going through IVF. However it pans out we’re here for you xx

She knows I had my boy with IVF and knows of one failed FET but not the other two. Don’t know if she will now, don’t want to rain on her parade, not just now anyway. Like I say I’ll be ok, just you think you’re getting on ok but it doesn’t take much to bring everything back to the surface again. Thanks for the reply xx

My sister rang to tell me she was pregnant again straight after we received a phone call from the doctors to tell us we had issues. It was horrible! I just cried and hung up on her and I felt so guilty! But it’s totally normal, it’s so hard to watch everyone else happily getting what you desperately want! Don’t be too hard on yourself, the happiness for them doesn’t stop your pain and that’s fine! Good luck xx

I can totally sympathise.I think it's normal.I remeber feeling like i had been punched in the stomach whenever i heard of all these people-some older than me,others not in stable relationships etc-getting pregnant and i was going through a mmc and a d&c and then two failed fets.It sucked.

Don’t feel bad. I’m the same, my brother and sister in law text at the end of last year telling us they were pregnant again. They already had 2 kids and had a few miscarriages in between so I was happy that they finally had another baby on the way but so so jealous that it wasn’t me. My new nephew arrived recently and it tore me apart to see them with their new baby. I should have had an Oscar for the performance I put on that day! No one would have known.

We’ve not told our family about our issues, my husband has unexplained male factor problems. We’re about to start our first IVF cycle this month after trying for several years.

Don’t feel bad about your thoughts towards your friend. I think it happens to us all. It is hard knowing that some women can fall pregnant just looking at a man and we’re struggling. Just try to keep the faith that one day, we’ll have that bundle of joy in our arms.

Don't be so hard on yourself it's completely natural to feel the way u are...... don't worry hun ur time will come 🙂

You are doing the right thing by venting it out here. You aren’t a bad friend. It’s totally understandable how we feel on this journey. Each day is so tricky and never know what would make us feel good and what puts us off. We are trying our best to face it as it unfolds. Due to the effort we are putting in, we start expecting things to fall into place sometime atleast and obviously it’s just not us , loads of other people involved in our lives who are or will be in the path that we would like to be in and this kind of complicates things.

As long as some one doesn’t rub it in that they are pregnant repeatedly, it indicates that they are considerate. Atleast, we can think about sorting ourselves out and that’s a challenge as is but it’s worse when someone keeps showing off that they are pregnant. I had someone do this to me and it’s definitely not the right thing to be doing when you know the other person is also intending to be in the pregnancy phase!

gianna83 profile image
gianna83 in reply to Crazy_girl

You are so right in the showing off part! I had told a friend of mine that we were struggling..some time later she fell pregnant and kept updating me,it was so frustrating!Then i had my successful fet and kept quiet about it.She continued showing off but due to the pandemic,we couldn't meet in person.Then one day she sent me another pm bragging about her baby so i broke the news to her.She was gobsmacked and stopped contacting me.I wonder why..

Maaaaate! One thing you are not is a bad friend. When you're struggling with fertility you're massively heightened to everyone else being pregnant - when you probably wouldn't have noticed before.... and feeling sad and upset when others get pregnant really easily is completely normal. I swear all my friends who have kids have got pregnant the first time they tried - like literally the first time they had sex. One of my friends had "secondary infertility" after her first kid - and actually said to me that she understands how I feel because they'd been trying for 8 months and it hadn't happened. WTF?? You have zero idea how I feel!! I know she meant it with compassion but it really ground my gears. **they got pregnant that month.So don't ever feel like you're being a bad friend - you are in a s*** situation and others getting pregnant will always be a trigger for you - even when you are pregnant. It's just a symptom of this crappy experience.

Much love xxx

Nooooooo you are being way too hard on yourself! Absolutely everyone on this forum will have had these exact thoughts re other people’s pregnancy announcements. It’s so so tough. Thoughts like these do not make you a bad friend! They are totally natural and sadly just a horrible by product of IVF struggles. Please don’t heap more pressure on yourself by thinking bad things about yourself here. You are doing the absolutely best you can, believe me. Xx

Hello! Don’t worry my friend had two abortions and then got pregnant again when she wanted and I can’t help but feel the exact same way you do! You are happy for them but as u said at the same time it’s the thought of ‘why so easy for someone else’ I’m sorry you’re going through this. You can always speak to all of us. We will always be here and understand ♥️

I know exactly what you mean.

How do you act ‘normal’ when your going through infertility?

If you make too much fuss (in a crap attempt to hide your anguish) “oh wow, amazing for you 😬” but inside your like .... 🤢it comes across as fake.

If you avoid the subject completely they think your a selfish a* as they have absolutely no idea how it feels on the other side of it.

X

Well, it is true that it’s not fair! The way you are feeling is totally normal. You have nothing to feel ashamed of and the fact that you are feeling guilty means that you are indeed a good friend! Is your friend aware you had 3 FET? Hopefully she got to the 2nd trimester before sharing the happy news with you.Anyway, coming back to the “It’s not fair” part, one day it will make sense! Once you will be holding your baby in your arms you will know that was the perfect time and the perfect way of coming into your life! I hope this moment is very close for you! x

My sister in law got pregnant ignoring doctors advice, and it was 1 month after giving birth. It was also 2 weeks after our first IVF fail and I honestly had to bite my lip from crying on the zoom call. She didn't mean anything by it, she just wanted to share it with us; but even my partner (her brother) felt dispindent and resentful. We didn't show it, but it needed to distance ourselves for a bit. Don't give yourself a hard time. She should know it's a painful subject. Just be kind to yourself and don't chastise yourself for feeling bad that you've gone through the ringer for something that's failed; AND happened for someone at the drop of a hat. We all know how you feel and support you!

I’d say the majority of us on here have had exactly the same feelings. It’s completely natural so please don’t beat yourself up. I’ve lost count of the amount of baby showers I’ve sat through feeling resentment and then hating myself for feeling that way. Now I just tell myself it’s normal to feel like that. Sending hugs xxx

Thanks everyone so much, this is why all you guys are so important, nobody else understands but all of you wonderful people. I’m feeling a bit better today, although not quite there to let my other circle of friends know she’s pregnant, I’ll get there. I really appreciate all of the messages xx

Oh my love, you’re not a bad friend - you’re a human being! Since we started ivf, it feels like EVERYONE in my life has gotten pregnant. And announcements always seem to fall when I’m miscarrying or having a chemical or just starting another round 😂 you couldn’t make it up.

It feels so unfair, but when those feelings bubble up in me, I let them happen - feel them, then remind myself this isn’t a zero sum game. There isn’t a finite number of babies and we don’t know their journey either. A friend of mine who got pregnant on their first time suffered from depression in the first 3 months as she thought it would take longer and wasn’t really ready. We all have our own path, ours feels like a bloody Everest climb sometimes!! But we’ll get there 💪

Jam master you are not alone and I am sure we could start a club! I in the last eeek also had someone tell me they are pregnant. She hasn’t been trying long and she is doing it alone with a donor. From the brief description I got she did it herself at home and it stuck! First go! 5yrs we’ve been trying I agree it’s not fair I have met so many ppl on here who have struggled and gone through such shitty situations and think why can’t any of us get there. We will! And it will all that more special because of how king we wanted it and struggled for it pls keep your chin up and be kind to yourself we will get there and you are not a bad friend. If they don’t u sweat and they aren’t a friend. Xxx

It’s not immature, it’s normal and human. We all feel the same. Two good friends of mine are currently pregnant - I’m really happy for them but it doesn’t mean I’m not angry, upset and jealous as hell that it’s easy for some people. Don’t be so hard on yourself 😞

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