Coping with friends pregnancy

So hard when your best friend is pregnant. Constant messages linking to pinterest baby boards and constant updates on how the pregnancy is going. She knows I will be going through fertility treatment but she doesn't hold back. I feel like a bad friend but I feel she doesn't think about how I might feel. One time which upset me was when I said what if I can't have children. She said well there's more to life. Then she has a miscarriage and said to me what if she kept having miscarriages. She now is pregnant and all Is well. I'm more than happy for her but just want for her to see things from my point of view is that wrong?

22 Replies

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  • Maybe you could show her some of the messages from

    This forum ... I think it might help her to understand how painful it is for us all?

  • Thanks for your reply. I have tried it. Everytime she knocks me back saying how it's not the be all and end all. So strange tho because all she talks about is her baby,pregnancy and the future. Can't help but think what it would be like If the tables was turned x

  • Sounds like you're not getting much from this friendship. ☹️ I hope you have some other lovely friends who are more considerate and have more interest in other people's lives.

  • I had a friend like this. The whole world revolves around her. In the end we've just drifted apart. She was angry I couldn't be more excited for her and I was hurt she couldn't be more considerate of my grief. You're not alone in this. Look to other friends for support. xxx

  • Friends don't fob friends off with platitudes when they are clearly distressed and struggling. Her failure to acknowledge your worries does not say too much about her as a friend. After all, we have friends to share our lives with and it doesn't sound like she is interested in sharing yours. Sorry if I have offended you - I don't mean to, but selfish people really get my goat!!

    You sound like a lovely sort of person who deserves to get back the care you give out xx

  • totally agree, you've summed up what I was trying to say - but I ended up writing an essay..

  • ;) xx

  • I had a friend like this too. She knew I'd need IVF (me stage 4 endo, v ill from it, long surgeries and badly damaged ovaries)..

    Despite her knowing this, all she talked about was trying for a second child (oh i heard daily about her lovely cervical mucus no joke, lol), and when she was pregnant with her second, she, without warning, knocked on my door early morning whilst I was still off sick post 2nd endo surgery - to show me her 12 week scan pics for baby no. 2. I just don't think she needed to do that.

    She knew exactly my situation yet she would update me most days about her pregnancy. She would simply never let me forget she was pregnant. Does your friend do this too? Can't she instead share this with her family or other friends with babies?

    When I did finally had my IVF miracle baby - she showed interest on the first visit but never again after. We eventually fell out, over text over something so small it was hilarious but proved the friendship was always all about her. I always knew this anyway. I cannot tell you how relieved I am that she is no longer in my life. She is preggo with no. 3 now. So glad I don't have the daily relentless updates.

    I have other friends who have been pregnant who were far more sensitive about it. Although, a few of my old school friends, bar one lovely one, have said some pretty odd things. But they knew what they were saying - they were smart and clever girls.

    One being, when one fell preg the second month of trying - turned directly to me at a dinner table - with all the other friends there - said she doesn't know what she would have done if she had to try for any longer! I honestly think she was trying to set me off. It didn't work. This was when I was due a 3rd endo surgery, so again, she knew fertility was a big issue and id never hidden that, because, I had trusted my friends with my most difficult struggle. At this point at nearly 40, it was looking very unlikely IVF would work for me - so I cannot fathom why she said this.

    I think you need to think carefully about whether this friend is being helpful to you and your situation right now. Does she really care about your situation.

    Is your best friend bothered whether you get what you want - a child - she certainly seems to find it important enough for herself - otherwise she'd think twice and be kinder. She should also want this for you, if you want it.

    Sorry for all the detail - but I just want you to understand you are not on your own here - I have sadly seen that some women (luckily the minority) can be a bit cruel and perhaps just thoughtless/selfish. Also the reason I give the detail is that I always thought that those few friends were just being cruel about fertility stuff - but when I finally had my baby - realised that they were just always a bit selfish anyway and actually never really cared about me. Otherwise they would never have been so heartless.

    I really hate seeing that girls on here are still being subjected to rubbish friends. It hit me hard when I was trying and I am so glad I am not around these unkind people. It was hard, as i found them funny and had stuff in common with them so I missed them initially - but I had to be kind to myself. I had always helped these few girls with some stuff going on in their lives but that kindness or simple consideration, was never extended to me..

    Don't waste your energy on people but don't fall out either - just back away if you can..

    Put her into the restricted group on Facebook so that you don't have to see her stuff. Or is she texting you directly?

    Good friends are kind, considerate and should care and respect how you feel. And this isn't about you being jealous of her being pregnant - its about her extending some kindness to you and simply sparing you every detail.

    I do since wonder whether my old friends were trying to push me into a reaction, so they could perhaps have accused me of being jealous (when I honestly wasn't). Is it possible that your friend is jealous of you in some ways - and perhaps she is seeing this as her one thing she has over you (i know how awful this sounds but again, only saying this from my experience).. I just advise you to be careful how you react to her - because she may possibly be wanting a reaction from you - but i am guessing here - so do take what I saw with a pinch of salt as I may be writing from my own experience here.

  • I have a friend who knows what I'm going through but still posted every day about her pregnancy, moaning etc and now she's posting daily pictures, statuses, imstagram, snapchat, what she's bought it, every time she changes it , about ten pics a day. I just feeling if were situation reversed I wouldn't do this as I'd feel so bad for my friend . x

  • r u kidding me, that often - that is just mental and actually quite boring. I actually find that really boastful and show offy. Isn't it rude to show off.. ! xx

  • Oh it's totally OTT which is why it's worse but I have to be happy for her at same time so it's tough one x

  • Nyoko, do think about changing Facebook etc settings for this friend so you see less or none if her posts... while thinking in the longterm whether a meaningful friendship. So sorry.xxx

  • Yeah I guess I could do that good thinking x

  • It's a good move! I've hidden so much stuff on fb that all I have is ads on my newsfeed lol 😂 x

  • As well as everything else, the comment back to you about basically get over it there's 'more to life' is so unbelievably patronising and unsympathetic... when clearly it has and does mean an awful lot to her, and she does not know what it means to truly face being childless. Unbelievable. But sadly not uncommon. I think some people have an 'empathy' bit of their brain missing and have a good dose of arrogance/stupidity instead. So sorry you've been on the receiving end.

    Agree with all the other comments!

    xxx

  • Coracle Iloveeggs Nyko

    Thank you ladies it helps to know I'm not on my own on this one. I do agree with the idea she thinks she has something over me. All the last year's she has shown signs of being jealous over my lifestyle and so the biggest thing I could want which isn't working out is working for her. I guess we invest so much time and effort into wanting to be treated as we treat people but it isn't always that easy. X

  • I guess I am lucky with my lifestyle too the only thing missing is a baby . My friend suffered a miscarriage , left a long term job for a new one which she hated and doesn't work anymore , doesn't drive, so I guess the baby is her world 🌎 whereas the rest of my life i have no complaints about x

  • Hi Lauren,

    I think I agree here with most of d gurls . And I should try and deactivate seeing her posts. And if she's ur friend she'd understand what's going on . It's one of d most difficult things in a woman s life . Relentless issues one after d other . And with on ur shoulders u can't b having more burdens of friends or family like them . I think in situation like this clever and smart enemy would b better than her . U don't need this bull shit right now . I've not only had friends but also cousins who from d time have come to know that I'm trying for a baby started hating me and she always takes up a fight with me unnecessarily. No Matter how much I'll try to deviate d quarrel. She simply won't leave me until I loose my temperament.

    So u see people line them r everywhere And we need save ourselves from them atleast during this dark phase.

    Hope u r able to sort this out

    Xxx

  • It is so hard and I think some people are better than others at being sensitive to what we're going through. I am on 3rd round IVF at the moment and my best friend just had a baby last week. I feel really jealous and wish I could feel happier for her but it's difficult. I feel like a rubbish friend but I'm just trying to remember that it's a tricky situation and her having a baby just eflects the pain and loss that I'm feeling. Try not to be too hard on yourself. We're only human xx

  • It's not wrong no. You can't help the way you feel. My best friend fell pregnant on the first month of trying after doing the deed just once that month and hazarding a guess at which day to try (cycle day 14). No temping, no opks, just a guess! She announced it to me while we were talking about my then future ivf treatment. I'd already been trying about 18 months by then.. it took the wind right out of me but I was happy for her. I was the only one (besides her OH) that knew until she was 24 weeks. It was hard keeping that one secret. But she's my best friend. I decided I'd be as supportive and as involved as I could be. I even thought I should try and make the most of the situation because it might never happen for me and this could be the closest I get to having a baby of my own. I remember pushing the empty pram around her kitchen before her little boy was born, imagining it was mine. I showed up at the hospital when she was in labour and was one of the first visitors to see the baby along with her Mum and Dad. I got to see him a lot when he was little, to feed him and get cuddles with him. Yes it hurt in many ways but I kept telling myself to make the most of a sensitive situation. I'm glad I did. Now he's coming up to 16 months old and I don't see him so much. When my friend brings him over he's into everything in my non baby proof home and as cute as he is he's a little monkey! I guess I'm trying to say that I understand. However you deal with the situation you have to do what's easiest for you. X

  • Ps, my friend however, does understand how important it is for me to have a baby so I guess I'm lucky there. It sounds like your friend could do with being a lot more sensitive to your situation x

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