Adoption knock back and heartbroken - Fertility Network UK

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Adoption knock back and heartbroken

Jmaw
Jmaw

I got a response from our report. We had our initial visit from SWs 17th July. Said my husband is not ready and going into it for the wrong reasons.

I got a phone call this morning. She said if it was me applying on my own they would make me wait another 3 months because it’s not long since we finished IVF and had our last miscarriage. Apart from that, my 20 yr childcare knowledge and qualifications would make me a fantastic candidate. BUT they said hubby just said throughout the whole 2 1/2 hr interview ‘how good it would be for our son’, in more ways than one. The reason why we want an older toddler, a boy not a girl, is because our son wants a play mate. She said he clearly hasn’t done his research and knows very little about adoption and what difficulties the child would emotionally face.

I was told they have closed the case because hubby needs to do some research and rethink what he wants from adoption. I do remember saying to him that we should apply for a baby right from the beginning. Hubby just said “no the kids wouldn’t play together, and it would be about us wanting another baby and not thinking of our son having a sibling to play with”. On the other hand, which is totally opposite, SW said “you need to do it because you want another baby together, not a playmate for your son”. She did actually make a lot of sense.

I’m absolutely gutted. I was told to get back in touch in November if we want to still go into it. I just feel numb 😢

45 Replies
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Hidden
Hidden

I am so sorry - November is not too far away and maybe you can reapply and be successful? Or maybe it is not that simple....

You poor thing.

Xxx

Jmaw
Jmaw
in reply to Hidden

Thanks lovely, I think I need to try to educate him in child development I think! Maybe we could use this time to reflect and discuss our initial reasons to have another baby in the first place! Which was we love each other and want to make our family complete.

If we would have been successful in IVF this last time (there would have been 4 1/2 yr between them anyway!) so why on earth I listened to hubby in going for a 2 yr old I’ll never know 🤪

MofM
MofM
in reply to Jmaw

I think this is the right attitude, and as people already said, November is very close!

I recently skimmed through "The Adopters' Handbook" (it was in our local library) to have an idea of the whole process and of the emotional involvement on our and on the adopted child(ren)'s side. Perhaps you can gather a copy for your husband? It was a scary lecture but it "opened our eyes".

Best of luck!

Jmaw
Jmaw
in reply to MofM

Yes thanks lovely, I’ll look on amazon to see what’s on offer book wise x

Hidden
Hidden
in reply to Jmaw

Yes you are right. Just reflect for the next few months.

I know you will be successful.

Xxx

Jmaw
Jmaw
in reply to Hidden

Thanks xxx

I am totally shocked at this. You both sound perfect adoptive parents and they are making you wait is just awful. I guess I’m not a sw but I’m just sorry about this.

Take time out and go back in November if you both want to.

How does yoh husband feel about the report ?? x

Jmaw
Jmaw
in reply to Missy_22

He said “it’s a load of old tosh!” But I did say to him that she may be right about the age though. A baby would be better in the sense they won’t be in competition with each other for our affections. I totally get that. Thanks Missy

Missy_22
Missy_22
in reply to Jmaw

It will happen give it time. But load of tosh he is right x

I'm so sorry to hear your news, I hope you do try again and get through the process.

Slightly Off topic, but in the news today is the tragic baby who was adopted by a couple, one of whom killed the poor thing. Apparently the couple were signed off as 'perfect potential parents' ,

which just shows how much a farce the whole thing is. there is no such thing as a perfect parent. It seems like adoption is as much as putting on an act of perfect textbook answers, rather than just placing kids with people who are brave enough to stand up and say they will look after these children with as much love as if they have created them, themselves.

IT does seem outrageous that you are a perfect mother and because your partner was just being honest, the process is rejected.

Millions of parents have a second or third child to provide playmates for their existing children, my own parents did, I know at least 4 friends who had more children - so their first child wasn't an only child!

it doesn't mean they wont love that new child, or treat that new child less, for goodness sake!

When I read things like your post, I get really down. We've been trying for over 6 years and finally my wife is 26 weeks , it was through a donor frozen egg cycle. Of the 8 donor eggs only 4 survived thawing and of the remaining 4 only 2 were good enough for IVF, of those 2 , 1 made it to day 3 and (hopefully) becomes our little girl in November. We are overjoyed.

But looking to the future, adoption is the only option for us growing our family, we couldn't go through another IVF donor egg round , we went through around EIGHT cycles with my wife's own eggs before the 1 cycle with donor.

I know as we are both over 40, our chances of getting a baby through adoption are zero, we don't mind that, and would happily adopt a child older than our coming baby, even if they were 7,or even 10, but when I hear stories like yours I wonder if we'll even get through the screening of being perfect parents! If you're rejected for being honest? Surely the best parents are ones who are honest, not giving textbook answers , as the news shows they still can be monsters.

Sorry for my rant, it was inappropriate to post given your awful news. Please accept my apologies. I am really sorry to hear your news, reading your post made me fly off into a rant, when all you need right now is hugs and support,

Look after yourself and hopefully you and hubby can re-group, apply again in November, tell the adoption board exactly what they want to hear, because the bigger thing is an excellent mother giving a child in need a home. xxxx

Jmaw
Jmaw
in reply to Billywhizz10

Thanks honey

Jmaw
Jmaw
in reply to Billywhizz10

First of all CONGRATULATIONS Billy!!!! On your successful ending of heartache and expecting in November 😘. Yes I know what you mean, there’s people who abuse their kids and get them taken away because they have mistreated them. Then... go on to have several more taken away! There’s people like us that want to love these children BECAUSE WE LOVE CHILDREN for goodness sake. I suggest these people get sterilised, but before they do extract their eggs and sperm and give it to clinic to donate to people who want the chance to bare them! That would save a lot of these children from going into care in the first bloody place! BUT that’s unethical apparently.......💕

Billywhizz10
Billywhizz10
in reply to Jmaw

Totally agree with you!!

I'm glad that whatever happens, you have already been blessed to have a child, but I'm sure the adoption people will see sense in November and you can grow your happy family. You'll know through IVF, that these things are put in our way to test us, you'll get through !!

Best of luck and thanks for the congrats, xxxx

Awww I’m so sorry to hear this ! There are loads of lovely little children who deserve to be in a loving caring home and you do sound like you are wonderful and would give a little child a family to grow up in .. I do hope that they make it happen for you .. don’t give up .. use this time to prep for the next interview .. November will be here sooner than you know ..❤️❤️

Jmaw
Jmaw
in reply to Steph254

Thanks Steph, I feel emotionally exhausted at the moment. Yes I think some time is needed for us to think x

Yeah don’t give up reapply in Nov if that’s what u want to do.

Jmaw
Jmaw
in reply to gcw104

Yes we definitely do and adoption was always something we thought about. Maybe we were so nervous the pair of us we didn’t know what to say for the best! So.....really emphasising on how much we love our son and care for his interests was the wrong thing to do?!? Thanks honey

gcw104
gcw104
in reply to Jmaw

I have 3 close friend who have adopted and ones sat on panels and is a foster carer. Really do some research as they suggest sometimes what u think they want to hear is totally opposite in a way. I have a totally different view on fostering and adoption after seeing it in real every day life.

Jmaw
Jmaw
in reply to gcw104

Yes it would seem so you’re right. We definitely will have to do some research. It’s such a smack in the face, when you actually think you did quite well! SW said there’s a website ‘adoption UK’ where there are short videos of people talking about bringing an adopted child into a family after having a birth child. X

They just have to be able to tick their boxes and you haven’t met their requirements just yet I’m sure you will. Babies are usually easier to adopt for you, toddlers have had family already come with issues which is not their fault at all and you have to be prepared and understand their needs.

Hi Jmaw, from experience adoption is not as easy as it seems. We were rejected after our first phase due to hubby needing to have hip surgery!! They said that he wouldn’t be able to move around with the child!! I was floored. Seriously how long does it take to adopt compared to him recovering from hip surgery??

I’m sorry for you having to go through this and I hope something positive happens for you guys soon. Big hugs.

Jmaw
Jmaw
in reply to Faithful06

Thanks honey, we just have a lot of thinking to do now and prepare for November xxx

Wow, totally gobsmacked for you. With all your childcare experience and I guess through all you've been through together I would imagine you've gone into it eyes wide open and heart open. It just astounds me how quick they can be to dismiss based on 1 adult in the family.

My other half and I considered adoption and went to meetings etc. We were told, after 6 failed ivfs, a miscarriage and loss of a family member we were possibly too desperate and doing it for the wrong reasons. I mean really. We went through 7 years of ivf because we wanted a family. I've 17 years experience in education and childcare as well. It's just unbelievable. Especially after the recent case in Cardiff. Men often stay quite because they are worried about saying the wrong thing. My other half said 'she really wants a family, rather than we' and they said that rung alarm bells. Even though, I would probably be the primary carer. Don't give up. Keep hastling them big time. It shouldn't be based on what 1 person alone says or doesn't say in a relationship. Keep on their case, be persistent. Too many young children out there without a good family or even 1 carer in their lives that need your love. I wish you all the best x

Jmaw
Jmaw
in reply to Music1

Thanks Music1. I know, it’s unbelievable sometimes. We literally have to jump through hoops don’t we! There’s no interviews or ‘test’ to equip or allow people who clearly don’t deserve children to start a family. Seems you have to be perfect. Well smell the coffee SWs, We are not! It was a shame too because I thought opening my heart out and telling them ABSOLUTELY everything was good. Seems we should have just told them what they wanted to hear.

I’m looking on amazon to find a good adoption book to make us prepared for next time. Roll on November, I’ll be ready, say what they want to bloody hear and get hubby well informed. 💕

Music1
Music1
in reply to Jmaw

It's really difficult to know what they would expect to hear, and I don't think their is a perfect parent out there. I imagine most parents (who want/ wanted children) would do anything for them and do their very best. I believe that's all we can do or be expected from anyone.

Maybe see if you're intitled to any free counselling from your old ivf place - to see if you could 'discuss adoption' as a couple. Maybe that would look/ sound good. Sign up for any websites, books etc. Gosh it's so difficult. You pour out your heart and they throw it straight back at you. Well roll on November and show them you're not going away that easily and ask them ... what steps would they advise. It breaks my heart that there are so many children out there without love, stability, financial support, health and wellbeing and yet "sorry". The recent case in Cardiff demonstrates that it's all pot luck and they don't always make the right decisions anyhow. I really feel for you. If our last round of ivf with frozen donor eggs fails we'll be right back where you are too x

I wish you both all the very best in the world and wish I could do something to help you. Everything crossed for November. (hugs)

Jmaw
Jmaw
in reply to Music1

Good luck for your latest treatment too! I so hope this time the little chuckle egg sticks love I really do. I know how you feel too because our four embryos we lost were from a donor.

If your IVF journey does end in applying to adopt, and we are successful to go ahead in November, I’ll be happy to give advice. Just PM me anytime, good luck 💕

Music1
Music1
in reply to Jmaw

I just hope these last 2 come out of the freezer ok. I'll superglue them if I have too :) Bless you. I wish you every success and I hope we can talk soon and share happier experiences. x

Jmaw
Jmaw
in reply to Music1

I know honey, let’s hope we can do just that 😘

Sorry to hear this, Im flabbergasted with your news! You sound very determined and you would give a little one such a good home, I do hope that you can gather the strength to try again!xx

Jmaw
Jmaw
in reply to Cinderella5

Oh I will lovely, and I am! Just purchased 2 books on amazon. One for pre-adoption and one for any difficulties the children may have 💕

Cinderella5
Cinderella5
in reply to Jmaw

Great news, really pleased that you have managed to take positive steps! You are one strong lady!xx

Jmaw
Jmaw
in reply to Cinderella5

Thanks honey xxx

Hi think we re on the prospective adopters uk site together. Really sorry to hear this. Im kathryn katie. It is such a tough process and they do seem to make u jump through hoops. We just feel like we re hamsters in a wheel constantly going round and round. Im surprised that they couldn't just have done some work with your husband on adopted children and impact of trauma. They cant expect u to start the process absolutely perfect and all clued up. U sound like youre doing the right thing and ive not doubt ull be fine in november. Resilience is so important too in this process and this will stand u in good stead. We re scotland where it is slower but we ve been doing process for 19 months now recently had matching panel delayed by a month due to medical advisor. It is heartbreaking and such a frustrating thing at times and yea sometimes u ve got to just tell them what they want to hear. Good luck hopefully it ll fly by till november.xxx

Jmaw
Jmaw
in reply to katya38

Thanks honey, it’s awful sometimes, you can’t do right for doing wrong sometimes! I’ll send you a friend request on fb xxx

This is just awful and it just seems to be incredibly unreasonable.

You are sound like brilliant parents and you have lots of childcare experience and it’s almost as if they have judged you on the playmate comment.

It kind of makes you think that you only need to say the right things to them so that they can tick the boxes and so when November comes you can tailor your interview to that.

I’m sure it’s a tough decision to decide who should be an adoptive parent but it sounds like they have made the wrong choice here 😔x

Jmaw
Jmaw
in reply to Kyell2

Kyell2, it is your right. We are definitely going to do our research. I’ve already ordered 2 books on adoption for us to read, also websites about post adoptive parents. They speak about adopting a child after having a birth child. So that will give hubby some insight. Let’s hope that helps to ‘tick all the boxes!’ X

AllWeNeedIsluv
AllWeNeedIsluv
in reply to Jmaw

Iv only just read this, I'm sorry for what you've experienced hun doesn't seem fair at all. Does seem a lot more complex than we think it is, isn't it.

I agree they've judged on the play mate comment. Don't give up though the, fact your going to research more and educate hubby will hopefully help when you reapply. I used to always say when I first started trying for our second we need a sibling for our daughter so she has a someone to play with then as she's got older if I really believed in my heart I wanted a sibling for her to play with I would have stopped when she reached two, she's going to be short of five when our son arrives. I now know I wanted another child to feel complete as a family to enjoy them and different personalities and most of all give them the family life I never had as a child and have lots of fun (brought up by my dad with my two siblings mum left us).

I'm sure when you reapply you'll be well prepared for what they want to hear and also hubby will be ready to let them know he's educated on what's the "right thing to say" bloody headache really because you sound like such wonderful parents who would give a child in need so much love. I send you lots of love and strength and hope when you next apply you have a much better outcome

😘😘💝💝

This sounds so difficult. It sounds as though the social workers are trying to make sure that when you do go for adoption, it will work out well for you. It definitely doesn’t sound as though the door has been closed for you forever. Hopefully hubbie will be open to using the time to do the research as suggested. You could maybe try a different agency next time as well?

We were told it had to be a minimum of six months since ivf/miscarriage before starting the adoption process, I’m not sure how long it has been for you.

Thanks Lizzie. Yes think your right. It was beginning of May the last transfer of twins, so November sounds about right. XxX

I am surprised they came out to visit just two months later, I thought the six months thing was a rule, but maybe it’s different in different areas. Good luck with getting a better outcome next time xx

No love it’s six months before you can formally apply. So on reflection, maybe we should have gone to information evening two months before November, get the initial visit, then formally apply. After information evening you just fill in a form of interest, then they come to visit you x

I see x

Thanks lovely, I’m just going to spend next few months researching and actually enjoy the son I already have! I’ve spent his whole life trying for a sibling ‘for him’ but in actual fact, like you said it’s a BABY we want to complete our little jigsaw. Maybe HE might feel inadequate (not enough) despite what an additional child may feel. Time to reflect I think and focus on what matters right now, and that’s our little family. 💕❤️💕

Thank you everyone for your kind words and support, it means a lot 😘

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