Struggling with decisions

Just need to off load.

After 2 negative tests after ICSI in November 2014 and April our consultant has said we should use donor eggs due to my ancient age of 42. This was a huge shock as I wasn't aware that this was standard protocol for us oldies. I kind of got my head round it to then be told the waiting list at our current clinic could be 18-24 months. I just can't wait that long. Another clinic 3 hours from us has been suggested and they reckon it would only take 4-6 weeks to be matched. I'm not against DE for any ethical or religious reasons but am still struggling with the idea of the child/ren not being biologically mine. I can't seem to be able to make a decision and I know I don't have to decide immediately but I am feeling the time ticking away., plus the idea of treatment very soon is exciting as well as terrifying. We went for counseling on Monday and hubby only went because he had too if we want to stay at our current clinic and wait for a donor there. The other clinic have said just to call if we want to go with them, but we'd have to pay out more money for tests and a registration fee on top of the treatment costs. I'll probably do a bit more research on clinics to see if there is anywhere nearer we could try. 2 over seas clinics have been suggested to us but I'd rather stay in the UK for treatment. I'd rather stay with our current clinic as we know them, they know us etc.

I'm waiting for my period to start, week late, usually like clock work but thought it might be delayed after treatment. Friend (same age as me) is expecting her first baby this week. I'm generally feeling a bit sorry for myself.

So today I decided that I don't have to make any decisions until I feel stronger emotionally and physically (so tired, not sleeping well, think I've got an ear infection - seeing GP later). Period started today too.

Sorry for long post, just needed to get it all out.

17 Replies

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  • Hi pm27.

    So sorry to hear of your struggles :-( and of course you don't have to make decision now, but if you're anything like me then feeling in limbo is just horrid.

    I am actually egg sharing with my treatment and thought you might like an opinion from the other side if that makes sense? I had to think quite a bit before deciding to donate eggs, because some people I spoke to about it were like 'oh but your baby will be raised by someone else' or 'you'll have a kid out there you won't know'. But that's not how I see it. A baby is not made from just an egg. My mum put it like this - An egg is like a seed for a beautiful flower. If you gave the seed to another lady, it wouldn't just magic into a flower, she would need to tend to it, nurture it, feed it. She would grow it from a tiny little seed into a blossoming plant. You could not them come along and say oh look that's my flower now - sorry if that doesn't make sense but it really helped me.

    The way I see it, for the lady who is having my eggs I am just helping her with 1 tiny ingredient for her to achieve her dream. She will be the baby's mummy, she will have grown then eyes, hair, heart, feet, bones, organs. Not me.

    I hope that helps. If not then I apologies, just thought it'd help :-)

    I wish you all the best of luck with whatever you decide xxxxx

  • Thanks, that does help and I agree with you that the baby would be 'mine'. It's just so hard and seems to be getting harder!

    I wish you every success with your treatment and you are doing such a lot to help others.

  • Thought that was a lovely post and a good way to look at it definitely. I used a donor egg and feel the same that I WOULD be his/her mum as I would carry the child, give it my blood and oxygen, give birth, breast feed and bring up the child - so it would be like me anyway. Sadly my two attempts didn't work but when it's yr only way to have a child you just know you have to try. Anyway nice post to pm27, it is a tough decision for her. Xx

  • Hi there, I am 42 in July, you are not ancient although I know this process can make you feel older!! Very interested by reading your post as going through icsi for second time abroad and no mention of donor eggs? Does it increase your change of success? Hope you don't mind me asking? X

  • I'm 42 too.

    Our consultant said we'd have 30-40% chance with DE especially if donor is under 30. Apparently it's standard protocol for women over 40 after 2 failed cycles.He wasn't able to give us an idea of success with my eggs but said we could have a final go with a lot more medication.

    Hope that helps.

  • Misssav I'm sure lots of people will appreciate your thoughts / experience on this, thanks for the perspective from a donor. I'm not at ED stage but it's something I did mention to my partner at the weekend as I'm sure it can take a lot of getting used to so if it's an avenue we need to explore in the future I wouldn't want it to come as a shock. Lovely words from your mum too x

  • Hi Hopesforluck, sorry it's taken me so long to reply and hope you're ok too. Wishing you and all the ladies on here all the best with treatment xx

  • I'm considering donor eggs if my ICSI fails. I want my baby but if I can't use my own eggs again (low AMH and low quality) I think I'd prefer donor eggs where I still carry my child and it's genetically my husband's. For me, it's probably still preferable to adoption - which we're also seriously considering.

    I love what misssav's mum said - it resonates perfectly with how I feel about taking donor eggs.

    Good luck xx

  • Hi lovely. Sorry to hear yr in a turmoil still. It's such a tough decision and like me you probably never even contemplated you'd have to make that decision. You just though ok a few rounds of treatment should do the trick. It's tough and I feel for you. But missavs words are spot on and I tell you when I got that positive result I didn't even thing about the donor egg, I just was so happy and wanted to protect and grow my little bean, and it felt like mine immediately cos it was inside me. Now I know mine didn't work after that positive, but yrs might and I have a feeling when the embryo is growing inside you, you'll immediately feel like the mum and the most important person.

    But yr right, take yr time to feel stronger, don't race, you're not ancient at all, you just need a little help to become a mum that's all. Take care and go easy on yourself ok xx

  • Hello,

    I agree with the posts above. I have a baby of my own and am an egg donor. I feel no attachment to my eggs at all. Mummy is the person who raises and loves that baby.

    I hope you get treatment soon and it's successful. Xx

  • Hi sorry to hear about the tough time you are having. I do think though that age is not necessarily the be all and end all, as it is the representative age and quality of your eggs that is important. Have the clinic said why they feel that your own eggs may not be viable any more? I was very lucky in that I am 40 but my AMH etc placed my representative egg age a lot younger, but I know I am massively lucky and one of the few in this case.

    If you do go for ED, I have a good friend with 3 kids from ED.. they are most definitely her kids and she is their Mum. She has brought them up to know that there was another lady involved in their creation, who was very special and helped Mummy to grow them in her belly. They are a wonderful family and a great example of how ED can truly make dreams come true.

  • Thanks for all of the replies, it's been really helpful and supportive and today I'm feeling a bit better. Discussed a few things that came up in counselling whilst walking with hubby, idea I had suggested at our counselling session. I also shared my post and the replies I'd had with him. Found out yesterday via friend who is expecting baby this week that her brother (hubby's friend) and partner have just had a baby, hubby said he forgot to tell me and assumed friend would, I explained I wasn't angry or upset with him I just wanted to know why he hadn't told me. I believe him when he says he forgot and did explain I'd rather have heard it from him and that I hadn't crumpled into a sobbing mess this time. Probably different as very unlikely to see them.

    I was surprised that the clinic suggested DE as my AMH levels were top end of satisfactory, so good for my age, it just seems to be standard procedure as it's more likely to result in success. Hubby's sperm isn't good but donor sperm hasn't been suggested.

  • Hi pm27 You've had some lovely replies and it's so fantastic that everyone takes the time to 'speak' about their thoughts/feelings as this is sometimes the best way to see another perspective when facing such massive decisions. In a nutshell, my hubby & I did IUI & then 1 ICSI cycle with my eggs at 41 yrs old me, (unexplained infertility) he was 30! along with PGS & we only had 1 embryo that was chromosomally normal. Sadly we were unsuccessful & our clinic suggested DE, but at 41 we thought it was too early to consider this. Fast foward 5 yrs during which time I did TCM, acupuncture, ate mostly organic, hardly drank, never smoked, still hadnt fallen pregnant naturally, saw Zita West who also suggested Donor Eggs due to my age. I read an article a few months later about DE & a clinic in Spain and the fertility nurse was English (I liked that idea as she would understand us English!) & we did our DE ICSI there. First ICSI cycle I got my BFP but miscarried at 6-7 wks. Did another DE ICSI cycle 4 months later & now our daughter is 4! She's always felt like mine, from the moment we saw her as a 4 cell embryo & although she is my only child, I love her so much it hurts sometimes!! Epigentics explains that once the embryo is in the recipients womb it starts to inherit his and her characteristics through the placenta, the uterine lining and so on. It explains that the child that the recipient gives birth to will be totally different from the one that would have been born from the donor, should she have carried it herself. Although my daughter was from a spanish donor, she has blond hair & blue eyes & people who dont know our story say she looks exactly like me!! I know it's easy for me to say all this as I now have my daughter & I'm so appreciative of the woman who has done such an amazing thing. As someone else said, take your time, there is no rush (it took us 4 yrs!!) and I would suggest you look at the Donor Conception Network website to. Good luck & I wish you every success & your decision will be the right one for you. xx

  • Thanks for your reply, it has been helpful and thought provoking like the other posts. I've already looked at the donor conception website but thanks for suggesting it.

  • Really hope your okay pm27 thinking of you xx

  • Thanks, I'm feeling much better than I did this time last week.

    How are you?

  • Good glad to hear it I really hope it all gets sorted for you asap wether you move clinics or not , I'm doing okay had a couple of scares bit of bleeding at 9 weeks had another scan all was fine got another scan on 28th of this month feeling very anxious hope Lil one is still going strong ! Been very up and down and scared :| fingers crossed xx

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