newly pregnant after ICSI, why do I feel so depressed?!

[good_vibes]

Im 5 weeks and 3 days pregnant which is a miracle against all the odds

We only had one shot at IVF as they cant retrieve any more of my husbands sperm and we have extremely lucky to get this far. We have no frozen embryos from our cycle so all energy channelling to this little one.

Ive been so upset and found the last week difficult to cope. My husband seems happy and relieved, but this feels like a harsh contrast to how I am feeling. Ive been so snappy, cried a lot. its like I've been grieving how difficult the last year and a half has been. Like I became an expert in "coping" and now everything is hopefully ok, its like i don't know how to be happy. I feel so serious. I want to be jolly and enjoy the summer but i cant seem to pull myself out of this at the moment.

Ive had 10 months off work also during all of this (have done bits and pieces from home) because of a harassment case I went through a year ago on a contract job at a large cooperation that left me an emotional wreck and my confidence at a major low.

It has been good to have the time to address lifestyle issues, rediscover who I am again, cope with my husband who experienced depression because of his sperm mystery and his difficult work situation, find some new hobbies and be able to be with my best friend through her cancer treatment, which she just got the all clear from after x3 rounds of chemo.

I feel nervous that i have to go back to work now i am pregnant until the baby comes, i don't want to, i honestly don't thing I can take any more stress or anxiety triggers. My husband has been supportive, and i know he loves me still after 12 years together, but the occasional comments about me not working leave me feeling worthless, sad, like i'm not contributing in a way that is important to our financial stability, unable to live up to this power woman expectation that I compare myself to, that i think my husband expects me to be.

I feel like this whole experience has changed me, i'm not the same person i went in as. I have different values, I cant get my head around why it costs so much to sustain a lifestyle to keep up with what our friends and my husband still wants, i don't care, i just want to be outside somewhere warm and safe and find a new way of life that isn't crazy in the city for mega bucks because you need at afford a house in the place were you were born where all your family and friends are. i feel like an idiot, even writing that. How dare a middle class person complain about their situation when there are others far worse off.

Why didn't my education teach me that I might not be able to have my own children. why did i have to go through all that shock and confusion to then realise that lots of other people have experience the same thing. Why did no one tell me, to prepare me if it happened.

Why is it so hard as a woman to experience our emotions as they happen without being judged or generating concern.

Anyone else.....?! Also, I don't know anyone directly who has been through IVF so I have no one to talk to about all these feelings I have now I am happy about being pregnant, but not happy

[Hidden]

Hi good_vibes,

Firstly congratulations on your positive result - sounds like quite a miracle.

I totally understand how you are feeling - it is so hard emotionally to switch from what you have been going through straight to happy and contented. You sound like you had a really difficult time and I would not be expecting to get over this straight away.

Although I have not had a positive result (yet! ) I identify with some of what you have said above - I got made redundant just as we were starting to have all our IVF tests and it has been hard for me to focus on looking for a new job while this process has been going on. I am in a career that I do not feel that I want to pursue as I had a traumatic experience in the last company I worked and was bullied, side lined and then eventually made redundant. The industry is just quite tough and I cannot see a long term future with me feeling happy.

I saw this 'break' as a great opportunity to have a career change and also to go through IVF - but it has been really hard not having work as a distraction.

I have had a 1st IVF failed round - which is ok, we are at the start of a journey and were prepared for a long road - but financially it is so humiliating not to work. My parents, friends and rest of my family have no idea I am going through IVF so looking at me wondering why I am not getting back to work and I feel judged so have been avoiding social situations with friends.

I completely relate to your change of heart and priorities in life as you have just gone through something life changing - and it sounds so positive that you value so many things with meaning now after getting time to rethink.

Don't be too hard on yourself. Give yourself time to process all that is going on - this is major stuff.

Just wanted to share my experience in case it was any help.....

xxx

[silvanti_78]

Hi Hun.

first of all , no matter how silly you think your thoughts and worries are... they matter? Unfortunately I am not able to answer all of your questions but I think now that you finally got the BFP your strengh has left you. You have been fighting like wonder woman top get this far and now being there you left the shield down. I think its only natural.

I can only give you a few ideas of making it better.

1. allow yourself to be so super happy that you are expecting. Embrace your pregnancy. Its very healthy for the baby.

2. make a list on all the positive things you have and also make a list on the negative aspects which are causing your grey clouds. and then try to work on each single point.

3. One word - HORMONS - allow yourself tp have a bad day and even feel that the whole world is against you. Its normal ! But remind yourself that without the hormons your thoughts and feelings would be more different.

4. If your way of life or your idea of living has changed after the fertility journey then you need tp approach this with your husband sooner or later. and possibly also find a compromise.

5. you may feel a little different in a few weeks time.

my idea is get an audio book and switch off. be greatful for the miracle grwoing inside you and whenever grey clouds are near... blow ehm away and remember its not good for the pregnancy.. this is your main focus.

(btw) I went positive on our first cycle... I am 40 years old and I think it took me about a week to allow myself to be happy for myself. I just felt so bas because so many women struggle and try for so many years and when you read the stories it breaks your heart but here in this forum and on my instagram fertility journey account I have learned that all women are happy with you and the same goes that they are gutted when you have a negative.

Keep your chin up.

[abcgirl]

I can relate somewhat .. im 5 weeks 2 days. It’s been a hard 2 years for us. Feel like life was on hold. Couldn’t make plans. Everything had the joy sucked out of it. And when I saw the BFP for the first time, it felt like a weight had been lifted but only for a moment... it’s hard to get excited and be joyful when the pain you’ve been experiencing still feels so fresh. So afraid that it can be taken away in an instant. I think who am I to deserve a break... we’ve had roadblocks every step of the way, I just feel like I’m waiting for one more thing to go wrong.

All I can say is try to find a professional, someone you can talk to that would know how to help you process the feelings. It’s okay to be unhappy and depressed. It’s been an emotional rollercoaster and you have the right to feel the way you do. During the darkest moments for me I relied on gratitude journaling, meditation and reading scripture (I’m not religious at all but grew up catholic and felt desperate to try anything and everything to come to peace with my situation). You have to find what works best for you.