Am I the only one to feel so down and... - Fertility Network UK

Fertility Network UK
23,138 members35,114 posts

Am I the only one to feel so down and cry?


I just feel so down about the whole situation we are in. All I have wanted since I was younger was a baby now to be told hubby has such a low sperm count and chances of us conceiving naturally are very slim is devastating. I can just be driving or sitting and my desk and il just burst out crying! I feel so stupid because I can't even say why I am crying It just comes out of nowhere! I feel I can't talk to my partner as I don't want him to get upset and I don't feel I can speak to family or friends as it's such s personal matter! We have our first consultation at the fertility clinic next weds so We are in very early stages still I am just Finding it all very hard to deal with! Now my best friend has announced she's pregnant and I am so happy for her but just all starting to get on top of me!

28 Replies

Hello, agreed it is a hard situation and not one you ever think you will be in but try and stay positive. You really need to talk to your partner as it can put a strain on you and I am sure he's probs feeling the strain aswell. Just take each day as it comes, I also am in the early stages of this journey but feel positive and the people on here are really helpful at all at varies stages on the journey to parenthood x

in reply to Hidden

Thank you for your response it's really nice to hear from people that have been going through the same situation as me. I feel a little more positive today! Good luck with everything x

I was finding it all hard, but the first consultation at the fertility clinic felt like a real turning point for me and I felt positive I was going to be given help... As long as the end result is the same

Natural or not natural I'll be happy xxx

in reply to MichelleLMH

Thanks for your comment! I am looking forward to the first appointment - I feel a bit in limbo at the moment as I do not know the options we have available to us at the moment so I am hopeful it will be a turning point for me too :-)

Good luck with your journey x

Hello lianm8 :) just thought I would write a little message , I know exactly how you feel ! Me and my husband have been trying for a baby for 8 years with my husband having severe low sperm , we had a failed icsi cycle last year but we have recently found out we are having a baby naturally which I thought would never ever happen! We are 9 weeks and will not believe it till we see the 12 week scan but just try to stay positive. This site is brilliant to talk about your feelings and help others in their journeys too x

in reply to Anghun

Oh wow congratulations what lovely news!!!! I bet you are over the moon!! Thank you so much for your comment is has made me feel a lot more positive about our journey xx

Hello Lianm8,

How you feel is completely normal. Finding out that it's unlikely you will conceive naturally can be very traumatic. When I realised that we were struggling I felt this enormous sense of loss and grief that family struggled to understand. Friend after friend seemed to be falling pregnant at the drop of a hat and it was really difficult watching them all move forward while we were stuck in this rut!

I saw a counsellor to help me through this and I can honestly say I feel much more relaxed and I am definitely not as stressed. I would definitely recommend doing this I still have bad days but fewer of them and I feel in a much better place for our treatment.

When you're feeling stressed its important to try and work out what helps you. I have tried yoga (tai chi and pilates are also good), acupuncture, breathing exercises, reading, baking and numerous other things to take my mind off it!

Be kind to yourself and take care x

in reply to Hopeful1982

Thank you for your comment! This forum is so nice its nice to hear about other peoples experiences and speak to people who know what I am going through!

I have heard acupuncture is really good so I am definitely going to look into it further. I am hopeful we are given a chance to speak to a counsellor as I feel this will help how I am feeling!

Good luck with your journey xx

It's natural to be devastated and you are going through a kind of grieving process so don't be too hard on yourself. You need to talk to your hubby and I would definitely recommend counselling. My husband and I went to couples counselling together and it really helped. I also had counselling on my own too. Good luck with your first consultation xx

in reply to Anjel2

Thank you for your comment :-) I am hopeful we will be offered counselling as it's definitely something I would want to do! I am glad it helped you and your hubby. Xxx

As others have said it is very natural. Harvard Medical did a study* that showed the stress levels of women struggling to conceive were equivalent to those with AIDS, Cancer and Heart Disease.

Doctors are great a diagnosis and not prognosis. We were told it would be a 1 in a billion chance of us getting pregnant naturally due to my fertility.

We did.

Sperm gets created every 3 months. There is a lot that can be done to improve sperm quality. Mine was totally disastrous on every count and moved to near normal. In my case it was my lack of self worth and limiting beliefs and fears that were impacting my fertility. This mindset undermined all the good things I did to improve my fertility - things I still believe can make a difference and make a difference with my clients (male and female).

Don't let future thinking take over your mind, nothing can predict the future, not a doctor or even your thinking. Thinking are just stories in your head, come back to the present moment, it is then you will have the resources you need to be OK whatever happens. It really is possible to find peace of mind on this journey, but it starts with acceptance.

Acceptance does not mean giving up. Acceptance does not mean accepting things will never change. Acceptance is accepting things as they are today, in this moment, knowing nothing can predict the future. Acceptance is realising you have what you need to be OK in this moment. The only moment that exists is the present moment.

It can be a lonely journey so self compassion is of the order!


*Domar AD, et al. "The Psychological Impact of Infertility: A Comparison with Patients with Other Medical Conditions," Journal of Psychosomatic Obstetrics and Gynaecology (1993): Vol. 14, Suppl., pp. 45–52.

in reply to russelldavis

Wow thank you for your comment this comment really made me smile as it's nice to hear from men and there experiences. I can't believe the stress levels can be so high!! It certainly is with me! I usually am very strong but I am struggling to cope with this!

I have heard s couple of stories similar to mine where the man has had low sperm count but managed to conceive so it has given me hope and I feel so much more positive. This forum is great and I am so happy I joined it!

Thank you so much for your comment your words were so kind xx

Hi lionm8 I understand. And I wish I could make things better for you. I have been going through a similar experience. I have extra guilt that my husband has said he does not want a baby and is doing it for me, and I keep thinking that it won't happen naturally unless he changes his mind. But Russell Davis makes a lot of sense, saying that thinking is 'stories in your head'. I have to try and remember that too. I have so much going on in addition to the upcoming IVF (finding somewhere new to live, suspending from uni), and if I think about it all, it just weighs down on me and I break down. I couldn't understand the pain. I have a diagnosis of bipolar disorder too, so I have not been sure whether it is mood swings or what. But it makes sense that it is a grieving process.

But it also makes sense, that doctors cannot predict the future, they cannot tell you it won't happen. They can only tell you what is likely or unlikely based on the given data and their experience. But life is unfolding moment by moment and you only have the present. Learning to play the guitar is helping me. I can't really explain why or how. But it is helping. And weirdly.... this may sound a bit off-topic, but about a year ago BBC started showing episodes of Cagney and Lacey and watching that was very therapeutic for me. So if you can get hold of some episodes (there are some up on youtube I believe) it is definitely worth a shot. Partly, it is perhaps therapeutic because you have a career cop without a family and another who does and their lives, both of them are immensely interesting, but also the issues that they cover are so vitally important, perhaps even more so now (with regards to sexism and other stuff) and it's very well-written and well acted drama with believable, likeable characters.

Drawing has also helped me. But I need structure as well as creativity. There is a really good book called Just Draw It.

Sometimes it's good to have some sort of project on the go. :-)

Finally, you are not alone. Sending you positive thoughts. Much love.

in reply to Natfink

Thank you so much for your comment. It's so nice to speak to other people on here it makes me really positive about our future. It's so true that doctors can only tell you the odds they cannot give you definite answers and Have been told by a few people on here that they have conceived naturally after years of trying having the same situation as myself and my partner.

I will definitely have a look at those episodes you have recommended they sound interesting and I think I need something to do rather than google the issues we are having!!

Thank you so much for your comment I really appreciate it. Good luck with your journey xx


I completely understand and no, you're definitely not alone. I get so down and upset at times and when my partner asks why I can't even explain it. I have no idea what he makes of it all and wonder sometimes why he's still around! It's early days for me too and we are waiting for our first appointment at the clinic but i do feel a little more positive now that we are doing something, and will be finding out more, although i still find it quite daunting. I'm also glad i've found this site as it is comforting, although a little sad, to know that there are others out there who understand x x x

in reply to Hidden

Thanks for your comment :-) I feel so much better after posting. People on here are so kind and it's so nice to talk to people who are going through the same as us. It's nice to hear I am not the only one who cannot explain why they are so upset! My partner is so positive about it so I feel bad for being so negative but after these comments I am definitely a lot more happier. I am looking forward to our first apt it's the first step towards having our baby so I am hopeful and looking forward to the options he consultant gives us.

Good luck with your journey! Xx

We got told the same thing and I am now 10 weeks pregnant with twins after ICSI IVF. Try not to put too much importance on the 'naturally' part of how your family might eventually come into existence, all babies and families are 'natural' regardless of how they were made. Some women just have to lie on their back to get pregnant, you are going to have to do a lot more work and it's not fair but one day it will be worth it and it'll be even more special because of what you went through to get there. Good luck for your first appointment. X

in reply to Kernishp

Wow congratulations!! Twins!!!

You are right about the natural I know our baby will be extra special when he or she is here because of the journey we have gone through. I believe we may have to go through ICSI IVF but I suppose that's what we will discuss with the consultant next week.

Thank you so much for your comment and good luck with your pregnancy!!! Xx

Hi, we too were in that position where my husband sperm count was very low...we opted to do the SSR & I was convinced it would work out and they would find sperm. I was devastated when we were told no sperm were present. We have now moved on, starting our first cycle, opted for a donor and I am nearly ready for egg collection. Got to stay positive and hope it works out for us and hope having an underactive thyroid and polycystic ovaries doesn't stand in our way.

i was referred to leatherhead hospital, i ve done all my tests within weeks but then we had to wait ages for the urologist, he proposed to go private for my husbands tests then book a follow up with him privately, it saved us so much time (the nhs appointment with him was only last week). as soon as all the tests are done you contact your nurse and ask her to book you a closer appointment.

our first appointment they did some vaginal swabs and i was given some blood tests, my husband was given a referral to a urologist who gave him blood tests too.

for our second appointment (which was this morning) we were both given a virology blood test and the same hormone test as the first time (the results should be less than 6 months)

it s a depressing and frustrating journey,but keep your eyes on the prize.

it s a marathon.

Thanks for your comment! It is frustrating the amount of time it takes. I feel I'm being impatient but I know in the end it will all be worth it!

We went for our first consultation yesterday with a urologist to see if there was anything he could do for my partner- unfortunately not as my partners sperm is so low we have a million to one chance of conceiving naturally (apparently!) so we are now being referred to the fertility unit to be referred for IVF ICSI - I am waiting for my first apt with the gynaecologist and hopefully they will refer us for IVF and funding. We are going through St helier.

He said we should move quite quickly as I have been pregnant before (unfortunately I miscarried at 11 weeks) and Al my blood tests came back normal- but we are still looking at about 6 months until we actually begin IVF- urologist has taken some blood from my partner for genetic testing.

Good luck with everything it would be nice to keep in touch as you are so close to me!!

that will be nice to stay in contact, i hope things go well. since we started trying 7 of my friends got pregnant, i m happy for them but you can t stop that bit of jealousy that says why not me.

apparently the hospital needs a letter from the gp too saying that you are able to look after a child.

You are allowed to feel jealously- I think we all know that feeling when someone announces they are pregnant and are going through what we are. Oh I didn't know about the letter from the GP? When do you need to give that to the hospital?

from what i understood the hospital contacts the gp, you don t have to do anything .

in reply to InTheMiddleOfIt

you don't sit down and plan to feel jealous maliciously. Its not malicious jealousy when you don't want someone to have something its more to do with sadness and grief of your own situation and of the unfairness of it all and no you don't intellectually control your feelings and its natural to feel like that and its a sense of despair as well.

NO you are not the only one to be so down and cry! I think it is impossible to go through something like this and never cry or feel alone and down. I feel sometimes like if I am going to start cry I can't stop. This forum it is very helpfull. It is very hard to try talking with people that haven't got any ideea about this at all. :(

in reply to Georgya

Thanks for your comment! This forum is so helpful and it's so nice speaking to people who no how you feel. It's such a long and emotional journey!! Good luck with yours xx


no its not silly to be crying at random times. It hurts because you wanted those things for you but its proving hard to come by and seems bloody unfair that your friend gets what you wanted in an easy and natural way whereas you are facing a big procedure and you think its not fair why should she get it easy when I don't You are glad for her but sad for you.

You may also like...