Why am I living this nightmare again… so so down 😢

[Faith103]

Hey all you lovey people…♥️

I keep asking myself why do I feel like my nightmares are all coming back 😢

So I have my son who is 15 months, I had him through ivf and he’s my world and I feel so so blessed however, for the last few months it’s come to mind that I’ve been off contraception for 15 months. I have only one tube and stage 4 endometriosis but somewhere in my mind I had hope I would conceive naturally. This is like the 3rd month now where I feel so depressed when I feel my period symptoms coming. Sometimes I feel I’m convincing myself I’m pregnant and me and my partner get excited and then I end up coming on a period. I suppose I had some hope as I know after some have had babies through ivf it happens for them naturally… NOT ME!! 😔 I spent 10 years like this before my son. I can’t do it again.

How do I get out of this, it hurts so bad. I look at my son and I feel so lucky but I want another one…

I just feel so so down…

hope all is well xxx

[HollyT7]

we didn't even bother trying for our second and just went straight to ivf again. Is that an option for you? x

[Faith103 in reply to HollyT7]

I’ve got 2 embryos in the freezer but they are my lowest grade. I’ve had a round since my son but lost one in the thawing process and one didn’t stick. My consultant is now telling me to get my remaining tube clipped before trying again. I’ve got an appointment on the 06th to see the gynaecologist but I’m guessing the NHS waiting list is long to clip a tube that is not priority. I can’t afford to get this procedure done private as I’ve paid so much for ivf and I will still have to pay more to keep the ones I’ve got on ice and for transfers again. I was hoping I might get a lucky run whilst I was waiting for surgery but not got high hopes… 😢 xxx

Hope your feeling okay and the pregnancy is going well ♥️

[Ivf2020A]

Im so sorry your having to feel like this again, infertility never leaves us even when we are pregnant the road is so hard, can I ask why they want you to get the tube clipped? Im in a position that i am starting to think about number 2 but i have no chance of a miracle only one tube and the other is blocked so would have to do ivf, the clock is ticking for me and I know its now or never, my pregnant was traumatic so the concept is scary but I also dont want to leave my little one alone in this world- anyway im rambling I just want to say that its normal to feel sad, and that little miracle you have running around is proof that it’s possible to have miracle 2, waiting lists are loooooong at the moment and thats tough sending you lots of love x

[Faith103 in reply to Ivf2020A]

Same situation as you they are saying fluid in the tube but some scans the fluid is there and other times it’s not. I feel the same as you too. My clock is ticking too. It’s such a tough journey isn’t it. I like you don’t want to leave my little one without a sibling. I’m just not convinced it’s going to happen. I’m also a bit spectacle about having my tubes clipped as I’ve had so many scans and it keeps getting fluid in it and the next time it’s clear.

I just feel so down about it all. It’s nice to know that I have someone that feels the same as me. ♥️

[Ivf2020A in reply to Faith103]

😞the road is never straight forward is it ? Its hard to not feel down and lm a working progress when i feel down I look at my baby and smile for the absolute miracle he is, and I try to not thing too ahead- eg - my first step is getting an app to see the gyno to see if i can even get pregnant- so basically get on list is my first step - between now and then im training myself not to think- if im making any sense- do just complete step one and do no thinking past that and so on - i dont know if that helps and sometimes it doesn’t even help me bt just some little tips- and definitely not alone hun x not at all xx

[Roobs33]

Heya, so sorry you’re having these feelings. It’s completely normal to want to have a sibling for your little one. I have secondary infertility and it’s so so hard. I only started trying for a second when my daughter was 2 before I realised my diagnosis. I’ve also got stage 4 endo and only one tube now, and am about to start my second round of IVF. My last ended in an early miscarriage. In between all the cycles I’ve always had that glimmer of hope that it could happen naturally. And I have to try and trick myself into not thinking about it as I’ve convinced myself that if I think about it won’t happen. You hear all those stories of it happening for people just before they start treatment or when they have given up hope. I think that the only thing that has kept me going is knowing I’ve got further rounds of IVF planned as it’s something to work towards. I’m sorry I haven’t got many words of wisdom. That’s great that you’ve got a couple and I really would try not to worry too much about the grading. A lot of people have success with their lowest graded ones. Anyway, thinking of you! It’s so tough but I hope you can try and keep distracted and plan lots of nice things. Sending lots of positivity to you too xxx

[Faith103 in reply to Roobs33]

I only have one tube too. So I don’t know why I hold on to much hope. The fact they are saying that tube is blocked with fluid which doesn’t help.

Your like me I try abs trick myself too. I think I always wonder what if! I don’t want to go through ivf again and be let down. I tried again my son and I lost an egg in the process and one didn’t stick so I lost two embryos 😢

I’m so sorry about your situation, I hope you get some guidance too. I’m going to gyne next week so I’m hoping il get some good news about the tube.

Sending positive vibes your way xxx 😘

[Roobs33 in reply to Faith103]

I really hope that they can sort the tube out and that you’re not waiting too long. I’ve just had the EMMA/ALICE test done which came back ok. So going into the next round not feeling too scared at the moment. I’m sure these feelings will change once it all starts again! Its such an all consuming thing and so uncertain which is the worst part. I hope that getting some answers from the gynae and getting a bit of a plan together can help you feel better xxx

[Solly-44]

Sending you big hugs. I felt the same - my best friend conceived naturally, very quickly after having her IVF baby and there seems to be stories like that everywhere, so we were quietly hopeful. I instantly fell back into the tracking, hoping, testing, depression routine and it’s too much. I really hope you can get your procedure done asap. I can’t remember where you did your treatment last time, but if you were private perhaps look into self funded NHS - it’s what we do and still pricey but a lot cheaper than some private places xx

[Faith103 in reply to Solly-44]

Yes! That’s exactly it. Just that little bit of hope it might happen but I just don’t see it. It’s horrible isn’t it xxx

I will look into that see what I can do. Covid has made waiting times so much longer as well which doesn’t help xxx

[Hope-and-faith]

So sorry you are having a tough time. But to put it in perspective you are very lucky you have a child. We spent 8 years and 9 ivf attempts to get our daughter so although I understand how you feel don’t forget there are people who try for years and get nowhere. Just enjoy your son, keep trying and don’t forget you are one of the lucky ones!

[Faith103 in reply to Hope-and-faith]

Your 💯 right xxx

I do feel well and truly blessed. I think it’s just hard to not be able to plan our family’s like people without issues xxx

[Jana483]

Despite being told we can't ever get pregnant naturally cause of severe male factor infertility I felt the same as you after my period returned after giving birth to my daughter via ivf...Every month I'll get my period and I'll feel sad I didn't get pregnant naturally even though I know it's not possible.

[Faith103 in reply to Jana483]

I’m sorry to hear you feel the same.

It seems this is a common thing to happen to us people that struggle. I think you have that little bit of hope.

It’s such an awful feeling. My chances are very slim but you do just grasp onto that little hope don’t you.

Congratulations on your baby girl. ♥️♥️ xxx

[Jana483 in reply to Faith103]

I am sorry you also feel the same way as I do.It's just ridiculous how our brains trick is each month into thinking this month it'll work,especially since everyone I know around me seems to be conceiving naturally and I just can't understand how easy it must be for them!

[Jenniwenni]

Yep, I can totally relate to this. Every month I don’t ‘try’ (do some form of fertility treatment) I feel sooooo down. Like it’s wasted a month I could have been pregnant.

And even though you already have a child, it’s totally ok to feel however you feel. 😘 Longing for a child is still longing for a child, whether it’s a 1st, 2nd, 3rd child etc.

It’s very, very hard. All my love to you. 😘😘😘💐💐💐

[Faith103 in reply to Jenniwenni]

Thank you for your kind words.

I’m sorry to hear you feel the same. It’s such an awful feeling. I wish we could plan when we want our children but the cards are not in our hands. We just have to keep going. xxx ♥️💯

[Jenniwenni in reply to Faith103]

Just know you’re not alone. 😘😘😘 And if you feel ‘we have to just keep going’, you can achieve anything. 😘😘😘 You’ll get there. 💫🌈

[reese28]

Hi... Faith, We're the same I have severe Endometriosis. I have 5 years old son through IVF. We want another children but no luck, I had 2 FET failed, I give up if I get pregnant naturally that's a miracle for me, I am 37 years now. I know difficult when you have endometriosis.