Waiting....waiting...and more waiting...

[KiraJean]

So it has been a while since I have posted, simply because I have been waiting...literally just waiting...for an operation date to have my polyp in my womb removed. It isn't a big thing (1.5cm for god's sake!), but the doctors want to make my womb as hospitable as possible for an embryo. Meanwhile our 8 little embies are still in the freezer. It feels like we are so far off from the end of this journey. After the operation happens, I still have to recover, the embies have to be thawed and then grown for 5 days and who knows if any of them will be viable to be implanted at the end of it all?

I know that assisted conception is a long waiting game and it takes years sometimes, but does anyone ever get sick of waiting to start their family?

Technically I stopped taking the pill when I was 28 and I am going to be 35 in June. In all that time I have never fallen pregnant. Not once. Sometimes it feels as if my life is on hold. I'm good most days, I am a very happy and optimistic person, but sometimes the infertility hits me like a little punch in the gut and I have take a deep breath, straighten my shoulders and hold back tears.

Although some people have been very nice to me and my parents and friends have been supportive, I still feel very lonely. Only my husband really understands my frustration as he feels it too. Today on the way to work he said mournfully, 'Why can't we just have a family? Why is it so hard for us?' It pains me that there is no answer I can give him. Once the first cycle of ICSI was over, it is sort of like everyone just forgot that we have to live with infertility and everyone moved on. But we haven't moved on and it still hurts.....

Also added to this, I am organising a baby shower at my flat next month for a friend. I love this woman, but why does everyone think it is okay to have the baby shower at the infertile woman's house?! I don't know why I agreed to it, but I think I just wanted to prove to myself that I can be brave and not jealous of my friends who are happily having babies. Starting to regret that decision....I was stupid to agree to it.

[genten]

Hi,

I don't have any answers I'm afraid.

It's just not nice at all that we have to go through so much to be able to have a child. And all of the waiting plus everything in between.

I've held baby showers for various friends and family members and sometimes wonder why I do it but afterwards I'm always glad that I did. Even though it hurts, I'm just glad that I showed them love and participated. One day it will be our turn, just have to keep going ❤

Xx

[KiraJean in reply to genten]

Thanks Genten! I agree with you. I do think I will feel happier in the end if I am involved with the baby shower. My pregnant friend has had her fair share of troubles in life and she really deserves a happy family, so I am very excited for her really.

Thank you for you comment. You made me smile xx

[genten in reply to KiraJean]

Bless you 💞.

Aww I bet you are. There was a time a couple of years ago, if anyone told me they were pregnant, I'd come home and cry and get upset but now I just set it aside and pray that they have a trouble free pregnancy and a healthy baby at the end of it because that's what I wish for myself and now being in this group and speaking to others in same or similar situation, I'm praying for them too.

❤Xx

[Ap98]

Hi Kira,

I relate a looooot!

We have been trying for 4 years!

This is unfair and we don't understand why us!

The important lesson is not think that you have done something wrong!

But yes, this is a long process and we are all desperate to start our family!

We also put our life kind on hold...

Holidays, project...

For the last year, I reduce my contact to friends being pregnant, as this was hurting and felt so unfair. They understood as they knew!

So keep in mind to do what is good for you and your hubby! You are the most important people in this process!!!!

Good luck with the wait and as already told, we are here for you too!!!!!

Xxxxx

[Lizzielizzielizzie]

I know you posted this a few days ago but I just wanted to say that I hope you are feeling a little better now. You will be hostess with the mostest at the baby shower and I don’t think it’s a bad thing to force yourself to be happy for friends having a baby... though it’s a hard thing to do (I find it easier the closer I am to the friend but also when the baby arrives I’m usually fine, it’s the insensitive scan pictures and pregnancy announcements I find hardest). If you really feel you can’t do it, maybe organise some redecoration or something and then ask someone else to host “because I totally forgot this redecoration/plumbing work/ etc will stop mine from being the best place to hold the event”.

As regards everyone thinking it’s ok to hold the shower at the infertile person’s house, well this shows what a good actress you are and how well you’ve been holding it together. But it also shows how unaware people are of the pain of infertility. You could try to educate them if you want, but stories on here suggest that doesn’t always go down well. Keep on being brave, you are an infertility warrior like us! Xx

[KiraJean in reply to Lizzielizzielizzie]

I am feeling a bit better now Lizzie! Thank you. Actually organising the shower has been good for me. I have planned a whole load of really fun activities and it feels good to do something nice for my friend. She has had plenty of hardship, so I am really happy for her. I think I just had a wobble. I think I sometimes want my friends to acknowledge my sorrow a little bit, but part of that is my fault because I act so brave all the time and never show them how infertility upsets me.

[Lizzielizzielizzie in reply to KiraJean]

We all have wobbles. It’s good to be able to come on here and let them out!

[Hidden]

I’m sorry I can’t really advise but want to sympathise - the waiting is awful.

I have also been ttc for 6.5 years and it feels forever.

I have also put my trying on hold till my surgery next month. i think my endometriosis has returned since my miscarriage last July after it was treated. It took us nearly 6 years to find out cause of infertility- endometriosis , too long.I cannot believe I’m doing all this again. But I have accepted this is part of my journey and feel more positive about it than I was initially 😊

I wonder if the polyp has been causing infertility issue? I’m sure getting it sorted will give you a much better chance of the cycle being successful. It wouldn’t help implantation in the same way my endo hindered it ( one endo implant was on the back of my uterus- handy when I wanted a baby ☹️ )

It’s a difficult journey and it’s ok to have a bad day where it feels too much- we all have them. Cry, rant it is unfair. Bad days don’t last forever and tomorrow is a new day 😊

We are all here if you need to off load- never feel alone xoxo

[KiraJean in reply to Hidden]

Hey Jess,

I don't think the polyp has been causing the infertility, but it is definitely worth removing to make any possible implantation that little bit easier. The good news is I finally got a date for my surgery! 10th April! Yaaaay! (sort of!)

How are you? Do you have a date for your surgery? Endometriosis is such an awful condition. My heart goes out to you and I'm hoping everything goes well in your operation. You sound like you have been very brave waiting this long. Here's hoping the wait will only be a little bit longer until the day of success!

xxx love

[Hidden]

Great news about the date 😘 not too long to wait 🤗 definitely good idea to get it sorted out and give ivf the best chance ☺️

Thank you. I’m not sure I’m that brave- very determined tho to have a baby ☺️ My surgery is going ahead a week on Friday 😊 us ladies are made of strong stuff 😉

Keep me posted lovely xoxo