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Fertility Network UK
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We are stronger than this and we will get through it ( one way or another)

Hi guys

So Iv had a rough weekend with lots of crying, screaming and a panic attack all over my lovely mother-tbh I hate her.

But what I realised is that all that stress with the stress of infertility is not helpful or productive at all. And though it's difficult I came to understand with hubbys help that I need to look after myself regardless if my mother cares or not I can't expect anything from her and more over I need to be kind to myself as it is soo true when ur down ur alone and only u can pick urself up.

I believe that we are strong all in our own ways and we will cry but we will step up and get on realising that hurting ourselves emotionally or physically is a waste and only we are losing out.

Being 28 i sometimes think that I'm a adult I don't need my mum but just her words and her general no care really hurts but I can't change her so by shouting and crying she is not getting hurt only I am.

My mother asked me why I want children and then added look at my children they are monsters! I just thought god why are you my mother. The similarity is that my mother has no idea what infertility feels like and the emotional journey is it.

Apologies for the long rant it just needed to come out but I'm feeling much more positive I have lots to live for and am grateful for it all.

Lots of baby dust to u all xx

U guys can be my adopted forum mum lol

8 Replies
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Sounds like the relationship I have with my Dad. I cut him off in April when we lost our baby. He didn't contact me but I heard that he'd said "What have I got to be sorry about? It wasn't my fault". I told him what I thought of him and told him he wouldn't be hearing from me anymore. It was always me who made all the effort anyway!

You do what's right for you. Put yourself and your husband first. You don't need someone in your life who will take but never give. Regardless of whether they're your parents or not xx

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Im sorry that your mum has said this to you, its not nice when they say it! My mum said to me once that we could have a nice life without children (straight after our first failed cycle) and I was fuming. I know she was trying to make me feel better, as she has been super supportive and now wants to help pay for us to achieve our dream. My hubbys mum has said on numerous occasionals too that children arent the be all and end all and that she thinks we just need to accept it and go on lovely holidays, hubbys turn to be furious. Although he's more angry that she doesnt show too much interest in our treatment at all which is a bit crap but I guess it is what it is! So my point of long (boring) reply is, its your life and just forget all the insensitive comments you've had, try not to focus on them too much even if it does hurt. You have your hubby and thats what counts at the moment!xx

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So sorry your mum is so un supportive but like you've said we are all strong in our ways. You've got the strength of your hubby and the support from everyone on here to help. You do what's best for you and your hubby, it's taken me a while to realise but on this journey we've got to put ourselves first xx

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Hi,

I'm really sorry that your mum has made you feel so hurt and you are right to be kind to yourself and put you and your husband first.

My mother is always saying terrible things and making me feel worse. I actively avoid her at all costs when I am upset. The one thing that helps through this and that i have clung to from a young age is: my child will never have to go through that.

You will be a mum one day and you will do anything for your child. This is something you are doing before they are born. You will never say something so insensitive to them or make them feel hurt because you know how it feels. You will never make the same mistakes your mum has and they will never have to be hurt like you are.

I hope this makes sense a little and helps a bit xxx

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Thank u ladies for your lovely replies xxx

They have made me feel soo much better And we have soo much to live for I'm just trying to look forward and ignore my mother lol no point trying to make the effort or fixing a problem that just has no solution.

Lots of baby dust and love to u all xx

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I don't visit my mum too often at present and she doesn't visit me. Sadly, I don't get support from my mum with my ivf. No flowers, no sympathy card or thinking of you card, no text or any kind of acknowledgement of my two m/c's.

I've done a great deal for my family, putting their needs before my own. Including looking after my dad for two years when he was terminally ill. Caring for my mum for a year while she coped with being a widow.

For the past three years, I've focused on myself and my relationship with my OH. I think my brother understands, but when you haven't been through infertility/ivf, it's doesn't really seem like a big deal.

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I am so sorry for this. I am not close to my mum and haven't even told her we are doing fertility treatment or that we had a miscarriage. I know from years of experience that's she is not helpful when I'm really struggling - makes it all about herself and puts me in the position of comforting her... I'll tell her at some point, but not when I'm feeling so vulnerable. I've been incredibly lucky though to have a few women friends who are like mothers to me and hugely supportive of what we're going through. It doesn't matter how old you are - sometimes in life you want a mum. Or a mother figure! I've learned that my support network is not always family, and whilst that's hard, the support from others has been truly amazing. And love the forum being like adopted mums! It is like that isn't it? We all help each other through this incredibly raw time in our lives. ☺️ xxx

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Just reading all the replies has made me feel that I'm not alone.

Hopefully our mothers will wake up one day as different people we can only hope thou.

Wishing you all the best of luck in this difficult journey xx

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