Need someone to tell me what to do

[bibiW]

Hi. I’m not really fond of sharing but I have to.

All my troubles started when I was a teenager. I had periods twice a year and this literally pissed me off. I talked to a gyno but she said no need to worry and prescribed me birth control pill to regulate my cycle. I took them for a few years and then just stopped. More than 5 years have passed and I came back to visit a doctor again because my periods were not only rear but also became too poor. It happened that I had problems with ovaries. I was told I had little time to get pregnant on my own because there was a chance I wouldl have no eggs in near future. My BF wasn’t actually ready for being a father though he accepted this after all.

I got pregnant after 13 months of trying with ovulation drug. Everything seemed to be excellent but I miscarried a baby at 8 weeks, then it happened again at 6 weeks and the last mc at 11 weeks. Next 2 years of trying didn't bring any result and I knew it was over. Then came the decision to try IVF but with donor eggs. Unfortunately we hadn't seen the donor pool and a woman was chosen by a doctor. We were assured that she was extremely healthy woman although she had no children of her own. Preparation took us almost half a year but all our concerns vanished when we found out about my pregnancy. This time it was smooth and I was happy as hell. I delivered a baby at 38 weeks, labor was more complicated than I expected and I remember all this as in a fog. I saw the baby and blacked out in a moment. When I wake up I was told that the child has died….Henry was born with Patau syndrome… I didn't have CVS during pregnancy and no one could predict anything may go wrong. I don't know who is to blame. It's much easier to think it was because of a donor egg but obviously no one can tell me for sure.

It took me 3 months of therapy to balance back again and almost 6 years to start thinking of a baby. I still can't forget that tiny dead body that didn't look like a normal baby and sometimes I have nightmares…guys it's damn eerie.

My bf made me a proposal, and I said yes. We are a family but we are not complete and engagement ring keeps reminding me this. Thinking about Henry's face I'm scared of any more tries. My man can't stand hearing this but still tries to support me. I'm between the devil and the deep blue sea…

[DianeArnold Partner Nurse Fertility Network UK]

Hi bibiW. You have obviously been through so much this past few years, and I wondered whether contacting an organisation called "SANDS" uk-sands.org/ might give you some support and information following the loss of your baby. I don't know whether you had sufficient support at the time, but it still might be worth a try. Obviously I do wish you well with any further treatment you try, and of course for success. Diane