What do you tell nosey people?

[ZessB]

My husband and I have been TTC for 4 years now and had one failed IVF with ICSI last month. All our siblings have one child or more, which is adding to the pressure. I am finding it more and more difficult to react calmly to the nosey people asking: "what about you, what are you waiting for?"; or similar types of questions. So far I have replied very awkwardly and have felt very hurt afterwards. Anybody has come up with a good reply?

[Dreams1982]

I don't think there ever is a good reply hun and that question is always hard. We are the eldest couple in the family Ttc 7 years and it's hard when you see everyone else pregnant and you know people are saying things etc xx I do wish I could be a little less scared of saying anything and just tell people to sod off lol but all I can say is well it will happen when it's meant to xx

[Kat9lives]

It's so tough but people shouldn't be asking such personal questions! I got fed up and ended up saying "with respect it's none of your business". That usually shuts them up but sometimes creates a slightly awkward atmosphere for them. Remember they mean well and if it's easier just say the old faithful "we're waiting for the right time". It's not easy. Xxx

[katiemiller94]

Im in the exact same situation! annoys the shit out of me, "when are you next then"... people cant help but stick their fat noses in unfortunately, i just simply reply with "when im ready, i want to enjoy my neices and nephews first" - works for me but it is really really hard xxxxx

[poochi]

I'm not so subtle. I was at first by saying 'I don't want kids' but know I say 'our baby died' (referring to miscarriage) or if I'm not wanting to make them feel too bad for asking I say 'sadly we can't have them but still enjoy lots of practice'.

I used to not want people to know about our Fertility journey incase I got asked constant questions about what was happening. Now I'll tell people but say either 'we've no plans to do more treatment' or 'I'll let you know when there's something to know'

What I'd really like to say to people....

To the fat woman 'I did consider it but it seems you've been pregnant forever!'

To the nosey work colleague 'why are you asking, are you using my gender against me, I'll sue this place if you do!'

I'm not dramatic as you can tell 😂 surprising people don't ask me ... other than the mother in law but that's a lost battle x

[Olivia1980xxx]

Hey ZessB well there always going to be nosey people😃 We being trying for over 4 years ...we went through IVF over year ago ended BPN 😔 That was really hard time special when my sis in low told everyone that she is pregnant . My hubby the youngest brother just 4 years married...and boom baby on board... From 12 years 2gother we r over 10 years married with hubby . He have a lots of friends but we don't even go to see them for simple reason that they like over 20 years old or in them early 30 having one or two kids all ready ... Is sad and making u feel really low when people watching u thinking and asking what wrong with them or when u gonna have 😁😁 Now is even harder because my hubby got huge huge family and from 3 brothers and one sis he is the only one that still don't have any 😔😔 Its hard but after this few years people asking I just "put smile on my face "saying in nice way soon soon 😉 Xx

[sam84]

I've known now for 12 years that I would need help with having a baby currentlygoing thru second treatment I've become very open and honest abt not being able to concive cause o got sick of people asking I don't say I'm going thru treatment but when people ask or say oh ur such a good auntie when u gonna have your own I reply with actually i can't have children usally shuts them up and I'll bet it makes them think twice about asking anyone else 😂 I love seeing their faces hit the floor terrible I know but for years I would just walk away and get upset now I just react 😨

[Orla9298]

Hello,

I'm in a similar situation in that trying for a year, in my 30s and people keep asking when we are going to have kids. After all our investigations I've learnt we have a very poor chance. I have found that just telling people the truth has worked for me - to people I don't know well at all, to just say "we're working on it" and people I know better, (even my boss!) I've just told them the truth - I've had bad news, at 32 I've left it too late (for me at least!) and our only chance is Ivf but even that might not work. Might end up trying egg donor but not until I've had a good old go with my own aged eggs if they can get any! 😀 This normally provokes some kindness, and I now have a lovely group of people around me all "rooting for me".

I feel with it all out in the open I have more people wishing me well and supporting me xx

[CE_88_14]

I can be subtle as a brick at times I have shut people down by saying we cant have kids but that's normally on a bad day and has only happened twice. I'm currently also doing an OU degree so I keep saying we might start trying after I've completed my degree and my husband tells people we enjoy our 2 holidays a year hehe. It is getting harder as I work in a predominantly female workplace with girls around my age and since we have started trying 8 have been pregnant and had kids and 4 of which I am good friends with. That and all my good friends have kids as well. I don't want to tell people because its no one else's business and if I cant have kids at all id rather know that for sure before I tell people what's been going on. xXx

[MommaBear16]

Aw ZessB it's awful when people put you on the spot. You want to tell them to mind their own business don't you but you don't want to be rude. I've always laughed it off or made a joke that we don't want any but it hurts so much when people ask. My husband just tells people that we can't have children. That's just as uncomfortable. You just have to say whatever it is that you feel comfortable with. If you don't want to tell them anything don't. Here's hoping they won't have to ask for much longer x

[DC13]

Such a tough one isn't it. I think we can all empathise. I have had people saying things like tick tock tick tock. I had many of my work colleagues getting pregnant and them telling me as their supervisor. I have had people saying 'it must be so easy for you since you have decided not to have kids' or comments like 'at least I can get pregnant must be awful for those that can not get pregnant'.

Nobody has known of our journey not even family and that is just our choice. I did not want to be treated differently, avoided, or wanted to put up with criticism or false empathy.

I just said things like. We are happy as we are. I am getting old etc.

To be honest it is nobodies business and you need to do what is comfortable for you.

[embiemomma]

I got asked this practically on a weekly basis from the day I got married! (4 years ago!) I always managed to reply with something un offensive but in my head really wanted to say 'are you prepared for the answer, because its either a) we don't want any or b) we can't have any!' Either way its not what they want to hear and I do wonder why people ask such a personal question! I would never ask anyone this, especially after going through it myself. I know most people don't mean any harm, but they clearly don't think it through... There's no right answer, it depends how much you want to share and how brave you are!!

[KimDerr]

well, I understand how it hurts. you can't find the right words to answer. But I also think that those people have just good intentions. they aren't going to offend you. Probably, they have never been at your place (luckily) and they don't know how it feels. Don't blame them and don't be abused. You have to find the right strategy for yourself. You may be very direct with such people telling smth like "It's not your business" or just smile kindly to their face and tell that they will let them know when IT happens.

just don't be abused by this, please.

people are nosy, that's true. You just have to find a proper approach to this.

[emmab178]

I got married 3 years ago and ever since the only question that seems to come from people I only just meet is, any kids, followed by having any? I wasn't ready to have children straightaway and replied with "didn't realise getting married automatically meant I had to start reproducing, if I did I would have said no". Now its a regular question (!) I just say we have two fur babies - the cats which my husband talks about as if they were his kids. Or "we don't have kids and I like my sleep". Or if I find they are being particularly nosey I say I am barren to watch their reaction. With that answer they start to realise how hurtful and private this question is and usually apologise.

I do not know how I will answer this question when going through IVF. I have had some friends that have gone through some horrible late miscarriages and I do not feel that I should ask them every time I speak with them if they are trying again.

I guess the questions are not supposed to hurt but I hate that it is the 5th or 6th question out of a strangers mouth. Guess people are just trying to find common ground and try and let it roll of you like water of a ducks back but boy its hits you like a smack in the face when you are not prepared for it. x

[romaluna2015]

depends who is asking me.. if its someone i dont particularly like i say your nose belongs on your face not in my buisness but it is a rude of me to do that and say that x