try to be unbiased and tell me why - Fertility Network UK

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try to be unbiased and tell me why


hi all! recently I took part in fertility treatment discussion on the web and one question is still haunting me. first of all, don't get me wrong. I'm a mother and I'm happy about this fantastic gift. But I just want to know WHY do you want to have children? Why am I curious about it? well, one woman shared her experience. she said that she would rather die than live her life without children. But she mentioned that it's bad not to have children, every person has to leave something, or someone in this case, after death. appears that society takes it for granted when a woman has a baby. actually very often she has no choice or doesn't want to choose something else. we, women, know that we are meant to be mothers and we follow this path blindly. When I found out that I was infertile, I decided to fight for my future family. and you know, I didn't think 'why' and 'what for'. like someone took something that belongs only to me and I need to take back what's mine. Have you ever thought aboutthese things? Can you tell me why you chose to be parents?

14 Replies

Hi Mullery,

I don't personally feel this way. I will be devastated if I can never be a mother to my own biological child, but I would still want to live a long life!

The reasons I want my own child are complex and numerous but it is partly because I do want to pass on my genes (that is only natural), I want to have a little baby with my husband who I love (a child that looks like him and has his gentle disposition) and I want to have a family that I can raise and love and nurture. I think it would be a great adventure and very enriching to have a baby. It is something I have always imagined doing, even as a child myself.

But at the same time, I don't think that a life without children is a worthless life. I have many childless friends who are choosing not have children and they live happy and very fulfilling lives. If I must live without a baby or child, then that is what I must do and I will still be happy. I have great friends and a lovely husband and fantastic parents and I am so lucky to have a safe and secure life here in Britain, so I will be fine. I may always feel a little sad about being infertile, but that's life. Life is filled with both joy and sadness and you have to greet both with bravery and patience.

I also don't believe having children is my duty or destiny as a woman. My body was made for me. Not for my husband. Not for a baby. Not for society. My body was made for me and me only and I was put on this planet to be me and me first, before anything else. You have to know yourself, understand yourself and be true to yourself before you can really understand anyone else.

I also don't believe that a biological child is my only option. I'm definitely thinking about adoption. Sometimes the bonds that are the strongest can be between people who are not genetically related to each other. I know I could love an adopted child as much as my own biological one. My best friend is like a sister to me. We love each other deeply and speak to each other every day and yet we are not related by blood. I have friends and family who have adopted and they are wonderful happy families. People often say that you can't choose who you adopt, you don't know what kind of child you are going to get. Well you can't know what a biological child will be like either! The more I consider the idea, the more I think what a wonderful thing it would be to adopt a child and give that child the chance of a good life with myself and my husband.

I think basically what I am saying is that, I really really want a child of my own and IVF has been a deeply distressing and lonely experience for me. Having to confront the idea of never having a biological child of my own has been like a bereavement and very upsetting, but has it made me want to give up on life and all my other dreams? No. I'm here. I'm alive. And I am loved. I hope to have many more years of happiness ahead, with or without a child.

WeeMrsH in reply to KiraJean

This is a brilliant response kirajean! x

mulleryk07 in reply to KiraJean

Wow! kirajean, thank you so much for this great reply!! Lots of things to concider for sure. I agree with almost every word. To be a mother must be a woman's choice and if it's impossible there are different ways to achieve parenting dreams or accept chhildless life. living for yourself. Anyway, we all must think about it earlier and not allow others to decide when it's the right time to give birth. I wish you all the best, no matter what ways you'll choose in the end. xoxoxo

Really from the first view it’s a common thing and easy question. But we all achieve our aim feeling completely different impulses.

I think your question requires a subjective response. I felt the need to become a parent to build a full family perhaps because this desire has appeared since I was a child.

I saw how my grannies loved children, that love was transmitted to me.

Also when I became adult and met my future husband I discovered that such event as child’s birth made the young family stronger and more complete.

mulleryk07 in reply to Blooo33

agree, the most difficult questions seem to be the easiest ones at first sight. So, your reason is having a full family. I get it but I'm almost sure that this desire comes from our society. single people are not welcomed, childless families are weird and so on, you see what I mean? If a happy married couple has no children, a man and a woman feel unhappy, right? and it's more profitable situation for society. gosh, hard to express my thoughts in words.

Blooo33 in reply to mulleryk07

I’ve not caught your thought. Why does society prefer to have childless families if they seem weird as you had said? I knew one couple that perhaps had ability to conceive and give a healthy birth. But their decision was strange at least to me. They didn’t love and want to have babies. In otherwise they were normal and kind people. When I had the top of my problem, and top of my desire to have my own tot I hated them.

mulleryk07 in reply to Blooo33

no, I mean that it's easier to control unhappy people. so they will do their best to change it anyhow. it's a pity how people depend on public opinion. we do things we would never do if we could choose and just because of what others think of us. are you with me?

you shouldn't judge those who don't want to have babies. it's their right. look, we don't blame couples who gave birth to unintended children. these families are full, as you've mentioned. I think it's wrong to assess things in such manner

Blooo33 in reply to mulleryk07

I’m partly agreed with you. we are actually more vulnerable when we’ve got some disorders or misery. But I can’t understand why society wants it. But if we bear more number of children, society will get more future workers and its service users.

When I say “full” I mean that I didn’t feel my own family was the same. But my husband and I love each other strongly. Anyway we desired having babe with us to complete our family.

I want to leave this world that little bit better than it was when I came into it. I try to do that by doing a job that I feel makes a difference, volunteering etc but I also want to bring up a child in a way that they will make the world that bit better as well.

I don't understand this deep desire some people have to need to pass on your genes or have a child that looks like you. I've never felt like that and to be honest if we'd been able to adopt we wouldn't have gone ahead with ivf in the first place.

mulleryk07 in reply to Cyantist

Thank you for replying, Cyantist!

Your intentions are so pure and admirable! I like the idea of making the world better or at least not worse than we have it now. If you are going to raise your baby with this understanding, you could be proud of yourself. I wish that every woman thinks this way. If you don't care of what is going to be next with you, with your child and with your world, then it's better not to share such attitude with your kid. hard to express my views, I hope you caught my idea.

It was always weird to me when people who want to become parents so much and who tell they are ready for everything to make their only dream come true. But then they saythey want a baby with their genes, no donors eggs or sperm. Adoption is not for them. They are cold if they are only able to love own babies.

I wish you all the best! I really want you to be a mom, sure you will br great!xx

For more than 35 years of my life, I haven't thought of children. My life was interesting and saturated enough and it seemed to me there was no place for children in it. Given that I was already married at that time. My DH and I had good jobs, friends, liked to travel all over the world and have fun. but time passed, and we decided to try with children but it seems it was already a bit late.

Do I regret of not having children before? Yes and No. I'm happy of the life I used to have and that now I'm conscious of my desire to have a baby. Why? to complete family, I guess. to have someone who is your flash and blood, and a piece of your soul as well, and to have something left after yourself...

I know my life will still be a good one without children but it is hard to accept when it seems to come so easy to everyone else to have their babies.i just want what they have.i want to experience a family of my own x

Maybe your post even has a part of point. Looking at the poor orphans and knowing how many orphanages are built around the world sometimes I think what the kind of creatures gave the lives to these babies. Why have they left babies alone? It hurts and makes ill.

I know why I want to be a mom. It’s my holy mission and I’ll do all I can to possess this opportunity.

Holy mission...

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