Ups and downs

[NsKaz]

Hi lovely ladies. Hope you're all ok. I said in my last post that I was going to enjoy feeling positive and I did! But as I wrote, I knew I'd have more down days. Unfortunately this is one of them so I apologise in advance for the negative rant.

Why is it that every time I have a bad day I am faced with someone else's happy news?! We're in the middle of selling our house and buying a new one. All through my first IVF cycle (June/July) I was saying to myself, if it's positive we'll be in our new family home, if it's negative, at least I'll have the house to focus on. Well as many of you probably know I had my BFN 3 weeks ago & ive been riding the ups and downs since then. We've had nothing but stress and delays with the house since then and have now found out that our vendors are going on holiday when we're meant to be moving (despite this day being in the diary for weeks) & our buyer is fuming. I'm now terrified she's going to pull out and we're gonna lose the sale.

In amongst all of this stress today, my best friend had her baby boy. I want to feel happy for her, but I'm just so sad. I hate what my fertility struggles and her pregnancy have done to our friendship and I really don't know if it will go back to how things were.

I feel like this struggle has changed who I am. I used to be so happy and confident and fun. Now I just feel like I'm a bitter, jealous and sad b***h who has nothing to say and no joy left.

I want to stop thinking about IVF and TTC but I literally wake up every morning thinking about it. I'm stressing about whether i should change my diet (again) and lose some weight (consultant says I don't need to). I just want to be in the best condition for my FET in a few months, but feel like a diet is just fuelling my obsession with ttc. I'm on summer holidays ATM so have far too much time to myself to think and worry. I am keeping myself as busy as I can and trying to distract myself but it always comes back to this.

I want to stay strong for my husband and remind him that I'm still the girl he married but I can't seem to find her ATM...

Anyway sorry for negative rant. Sure tomorrow will be a better day. I met another friends baby this week and it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. Will try to stay strong. Wishing you all love and luck on this difficult journey xxx

[Tugsgirl]

I know exactly how you feel. No one understands unless they're going through it and that's a very lonely feeling but you are not alone. Not on here xx

[NsKaz in reply to Tugsgirl]

Thanks lovely xxx

[Bibble-2016]

Hey again, I can 100% relate to everything you have written. As soon as we made the decision to ttc I also feel like I am lost. It has affected everything and so many of my relationships. It's awful and you don't realise what it's gonna do to you until your in it. Like being stuck in this wilderness forest where you can't find a way out. Sorry I'm probably not helping much - just wanted to let you know I know how you feel. xxxx

[NsKaz in reply to Bibble-2016]

Thanks Hun xx

[Hidden]

It's a hard journey, it's ok to have down days. We all have them. Buying and selling a house is terribly stressful too so that is exacerbating your feelings no doubt.

If you don't need to lose weight then please don't worry about that! I'm constantly thinking I should change things about my lifestyle even though it's not bad, but there are so many people out there with poor diets, drug & alcohol problems etc who fall pregnant with ease. It's unfair. I feel guilty after having a glass of wine or 2 during my 2ww! On the day of my last treatment I saw a heavily pregnant woman in her dressing gown smoking (the maternity block is next to the fertility clinic-good planning!). I made of point of standing outside the clinic in the hope that it made her feel guilty! Haha!

Please don't be hard on yourself. Can you plan to do something to take your mind off the sale and ivf for a bit? Take care xx

[NsKaz in reply to Hidden]

Thanks for your message JoJo. Gosh that's awful! Makes me so mad that some people are that selfish. Yeah I think you're right about the diet / lifestyle thing. I've done so many different things during this 2+ year journey and none of them have made a difference so I feel like what the hell - just enjoy food / drink and don't worry.

Thanks for the advice. I need to stop wallowing now and go out and do something to distract myself.

Take care xx

[Dreamingofbaby]

Oh sounds like you got so much going on and yep def is tough. Def can relate to it taking over though and how seeing others appear to get pregnant and have child after child with ease. Always feels so unfair! But can only go with what got and make the best of that I guess. Stay strong. Enjoy your house move. Take good care x

[NsKaz in reply to Dreamingofbaby]

Thanks Chloe. You're right. Unfortunately these are the cards we've been dealt and we just have to keep putting one foot in front of the other. Wallowing isn't going to change anything. I need to pull myself together and get on with life for now. So thankful for all you ladies and your kind words. Makes this horrid journey a little less lonely xx

[MimiSvet]

Sorry to hear it , be positive and strong , i know its easier said than done, but you have to there is no other option.

[MimiSvet]

Sad to hear it, but you simply have to be positive there is no other way - you have to take your mind out of all negative and turn it in to something positive- you allready know that bu ti felt the need to tell you! Just be positiv.e