Sorry but I am about to rant! We're currently undergoing our first IVF/ICSI cycle and when we were referred I was upfront with my boss straight away as I knew how much time off I would be needing. She was really supportive having lost a baby herself and having issues conceiving again afterwards. Bearing that in mind I spoke to her quite openly about it all as we progressed and told her my fears and anxieties. A key topic was how I didn't like telling people about it and had kept things private throughout our TTC journey, only telling immediate family once we were referred to IVF.
With all the time off I discussed with her about telling the wider team so they understood, but explained I didn't really want to tell them as we work up and down the country and I don't know them particularly well. She really reassured me that I didn't need to tell anyone and had no duty to tell the team as they didn't need to know.
Fast forward a couple of weeks and she off handedly informed me that she had told all of the team about it for me and hoped that was okay. I was so taken aback that I just said yes but inside I was so upset and angry about it.
Since then it now appears that she has told a mutual friend outside of work about it as well. It's not a friend I keep in touch with, haven't spoken to them in almost a year but used to know them very well. I am so angry!
I told her as my boss, not as a friend and she has completely broken my trust and breached confidentiality. Telling people in work was one thing but telling people outside of work feels like a whole new level!
I don't know what to do. I hate confrontation and it makes me just want to resign (but obv I need to mat leave and pay - if we get that far!) I'm just heartbroken that she can treat it as gossip. I really don't want to tell her anything else or share anymore details as I can't trust her at all but she obviously knows where we're up to and will be asking and I'm not sure I can keep it from her as my boss. I'm just so sad and really needed to get this off my chest. So much for a stress free 2ww! (We had our ET on Weds)
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Bumble26
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I would confront her about the speaking to a mutual friend outside of work, this is massively not ok. You deserve an apology. It’s not really ok that she told your team when you didn’t want her to, but the outside work thing is a clear breach of employment trust. Are you able to speak to her line manager if you don’t want to confront her directly?
My boss left my request for absence lying on the photocopier for all to see- her boss was extremely cross with her about it and she was much more careful afterwards.
Holy s**t!! This is totally unacceptable and I'm pretty sure a breach of employment law. I would get on to HR ASAP, having previously been a manager of 15 employees I was always really careful about what I said to other people. I was terrified of saying something by accident as I knew I could get fired. This is clearly a case for a grievance against your manager. Hopefully you can sort it - if anything she needs to learn that what she did is not OK xx
I would talk to her to let her know she overstepped the line and advise her that you have to speak to HR, it's not nice to get someone in trouble but she has to learn from her mistakes.
You don't need the stress but if this was me then I would be furious, she's been completely unprofessional.
Thank you all for your replies. It's nice to have people understand exactly how infuriating and upsetting it is! I think I am definitely going to confront her about it, I'm next due to be face to face with her in two weeks so it raise it then as don't want to do it over email or phone. Once I've spoken to her I'll decide re taking it further or not. To be honest I haven't been happy there for ages and am only holding on due to the potential of needing mat leave so if anything it just makes my decision to leave when the time is right even easier.
I've also decided that I'm going to really back off in terms of what I tell her regardless of the outcome of this cycle, ultimately there is no legal obligation for me to tell work about the details of my treatment or share early pregnancy news (touch wood) so I'm going to be keeping my cards a lot closer to my chest from now on.
All this time I have been panicking about the MIL oversharing! Thanks again for all your support.
I agree that this is totally unacceptable on her part. But before you speak to her I would make absolutely certain from the mutual friend that it was your manager who told her. If it was then go ahead and approach her about it but keep in mind the bigger picture - you want this woman to grant you any time off you need. If you have an HR policy on ivf, you may have certain entitlements, if not then you could be relying on the goodwill of your manager. I’m only say that because I am in that position of relying on goodwill. That doesn’t mean you should accept her behaviour but think about the outcomes that you want from the conversation you have with her and how you are best able to achieve those. I hope you get things sorted and don’t have to worry about any of this in 9 months time as you’ll be on maternity leave!! Xx
I feel your pain, I only told my 2 managers and Occ Health when my cycle was successful and although the whole IVF thing was kept confiential (I think!) when I told them it had been successful I’m not sure it was. I heard after 12 weeks and I’d announced someone in another department had been told someone of my name in my dept was pregnant before I had announced (there are 3 in a dept of only 20 with our name, 1 is single and the other had recently had a hip op, doesn’t take Sherlock to find the right one) What made me mad was before I announced after my 12 week scan I had another female in the department repeatedly saying ‘x from the other dept says there is someone in our dept who is pregnant’ (again, small dept, all married women have had all their kids already apart from me, take out males, hmmmm) at first I thought it was just lucky gossip as HR had told another pregnant lady on site who was further along there was ‘more to come’ which started a rumour mill as they knew nothing about me but now I’m not so sure 🤔 HR got told how unhelpful the comment was when I emailed them to tell them my news but I’ve never found out how someone in another department found out. I guess I was mad as it’s the only time I can see me doing this and with what you learn on this forum and how hard it was to conceive I didn’t want to jinx it before 12 weeks. Hope you can get some sort of closure, the HR email did for me, until I found out about the other news, guess with that one I’ll need to learn to live with it. Something else to think about, if you tell them (maybe not your boss) as soon as you become pregnant you get pregnant workers rights vs if they don’t know x
Everything should have been discussed with you before anything actually took place to see how you felt.
Right now, as much as she’s upset and gone against what you wanted, the 2WW is your time. Write a note to get the upset and stresses out and then hide it/forget about it until you want to tackle the situation...make this time about you!
My Managers were male when we were lined up for IVF. I prewarned two of them it was approaching, but didn’t want others to know, just needed their flexibility on last minute leave changes. They were very understanding and supportive.
All was ok, until I found out it was going to be a missed miscarriage at 9+5. I text them both and also the other male manager who was my direct line manager...all very kind and nice in texts.
When I went back to work, my first day back, their manager, a female who had been through IVF herself, was sat on the desk next to mine as her office was being painted. As soon as I walked in and said good morning, I can’t remember now what her greeting was, but I knew by her facial expression that she’d been told about the ivf and miscarriage. She never directly came out and said anything and I only replied something like I’m getting there, but it totally caught me off guard and I felt pee’d off that she’d been told!
I knew it was going to be my direct line manager who told her, so I asked him. He said that it was him and he hadn’t told her through gossip, they had been discussing staffing and knowing what she’d been through too, he thought she might have been better to discuss things with should I have wanted to.
I never did want/need to speak with her about it, even though she probably wanted me to.
I never told any of my bosses about the future ivf dates again, but did have to tell one (that I’ve known since I started and is like a grandfather figure) that I was having a second miscarriage.
People don’t often know what to say for the best and their best intentions might have been there, but they don’t handle it well for being managers of people!
My wife had something similar happen to her ( told her boss about ivf treatment , who then went on to tell some work colleagues )
My advice would be to focus on your cycle, its stressful enough without work stuff, just wait till its all over.
I would say the only positive thing in my wife's case was as it was our first cycle, we had high expectations, so she was completely gutted (as was I) when it didn't work. Having everyone at work know it didn't work in a way helped as she didn't have to pretend to be cheerful and chatty. She did pull up my boss for telling other people and got grovelling apology. As it was a small company with no hr, she didn't take it further.
For later cycles she didn't tell them ( I think she told her boss we were looking into adoption and left it as that) but we did do private clinic cycles, and when she needed to go into the clinic, she used a cover of dentists and doctor appointments or just plain sickies as cover.
Fortunately she left the company eventually and in her new place she didn't tell anyone anything. So when we finally had a BFP, she only told work when she started to show!
I agree it’s a huge confidentiality breach and extremely unprofessional. Do you have a HR team? If so, perhaps go to them about this. Your boss was aware it was a conversation had in confidence, you had no obligation (unless it’s her company) to tell her anything but did so in trust and out of respect. The agreement was to say nothing. This would certainly be gross misconduct on her part - depending on what her side of the story is. She could argue that that’s what was agreed - then it’s your word against hers. My advice is for you to concentrate on your treatment, and mention this to HR, if you have one xx
Totally wrong. I think I’d start my telling her how upset you are over this. I would worry for you that taking it above her at this stage may cause you worry you don’t need. You can’t go backwards but think of the long game and the maternity pay and what makes your life easier in the long run. That said she should not get away with this and I think a sit down with her may be a good start.
Reading this is like I have written It,... exactly the same open and honest so my manager knows time off re appointments and sick leave I am intended told her to keep it confidential she then announced in the middle of shop and the when I said I could't work over time proceeded to ask people to do the shifts for me as I won't be at work due to next ivf cycle. Fuming doesn't put into words so I took her to one side and explained and got a backwards apology saying she proceeded the way she did as people may be willing to do overtime if they knew they were doing it for me rather than her!!!!!! So sorry yours has done the same thing, bosses are not friends they are only there for the business xxx
Yup - Been there and it makes the whole process sooo much more stressful. Management know well before my first cycle and 1 colleague who I'd trained with @14/15 years previously (she knew we were on waiting list but then moved job before the start of the cycle). I then told my 2 job share just a couple of weeks before the start of the cycle due to short notice nature of the appointments to help sorting out cover, specifically telling them I didn't want to talk about it and I didn't want people to know. 1 respected that, the other didn't. Every time I came back fro,m the hospital, I got a barrage of questions and comments - once she was so excited that it could be twins and I was not so good after having a not so great appointment. Eventually I was signed off during the 2ww, got a BFN and when I returned people knew details. Whilst off, I discovered my line manager - who also happens to be in charge of my place of work, had casually told my colleague who had left that I was off "due to a failed round of IVF". Turns out, a member pf management who I trusted who had also moved job coincidentally to the same place asked how I was, they talked I then got a consolation text out the blue causing a 4-hour panic attack.
So basically, eventually the colleague ended up getting told enough was enough- no more questions, the boss has been told the bare minimum, was signed off for the entire second cycle and the line said "minor surgery and recovery time". Not one question asked - exactly what I wanted first time round. But the stress and worry of wondering if people know/are talking was still there........
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