Hello my friends (old and hopefully new).
It's been a while. 6 months to be exact. I'd like to say I'm feeling ready to be here again but the truth is I'm turning to you all for the little ray of light that you've always been. For those who have read my posts before you'll know I enjoy a little rant so please indulge me and forgive me for my negativity and self pity. I promise that once I've got this out I won't do it again.
It's been just over a year since our first ICSI cycle, since our miscarriage. I still think about it every day. Every day. It doesn't go away and a part of me doesn't want it to. I feel like I'm happy to live carrying around the pain of what happened with me. It's as though if I let it stop it wasn't real or I somehow don't care anymore. Does this make sense to anyone? I am letting myself stay in a little bit of misery because it's where I'm comfortable now. I don't really want to be happy because how can we ever really be happy again knowing what it feels like to be THAT happy? I know, I'm not the first person to go through this and I know that I am lucky in some respects; lucky that I wasn't further along and lucky that I've only experienced it the once. But that offers little comfort when to get to that point it took over a decade and your brain is trapped in a never-ending cycle of what ifs and whys. Was it something I did? Was it something I should have done? Is it because we really don't deserve this? After our second cycle failed in March the pity party love affair I seemed to be having with myself took over more than I would care to admit.
Thankfully all of the above is only in my head. No one would know that I am consumed by what has happened and have been for the past year because I play the part that you're supposed to play. I don't talk about it openly, I don't make others feel uncomfortable. When people ask me about it I tell them what they want to hear. I go to work and hear cases of people abusing children and failing to protect them but I don't ever let myself get emotional about the unfairness of it all. Instead I keep it all in my head; circling and whirring until I feel like I may burst with the frustration, the anger and the helplessness of it all. It is exhausting. This whole journey is exhausting.
And yet. Here we are again. I'm hoping that by being back here, by having this open forum and by reading all your stories to give my own perspective, I will get back the hope and positivity that I used to pride myself on having. There are three words I'm relying on to get me through; after over 10 years of trying, regardless of the outcome, I WAS PREGNANT. I had a life inside me. A life that we (with a little help) made. I have to keep this in mind. I have to remember how amazing my body is and how strong I can be. Will be.
So there you have it in a rambled little nutshell. I'm basically a miserable cow. But only on the inside so it doesn't count haha We saw our consultant a couple of weeks ago. He explained that my body does not respond to the long protocol meds so this time we're going for short protocol. He said they will test me every month until they get the 'magic number'. Whatever that may be. And when they're happy with the result that's when we will start. I'm excited, I'm nervous and I'm scared. I wish I was feeling more brave right now.
I'm not familiar with short protocol so I would be grateful for any help, information or advice. Be as honest as you possibly can be, I need to be prepared. This will be our last cycle with my own eggs. That's if I have some left. Please keep your fingers and toes (but not your legs) crossed for me as I will for all of you.
Thank you so much for taking the time to read. Sending lots of love to you all - my friends x x x