Update and feeling low

Hi everyone,

Sorry for the radio silence after my EC - I was feeling pretty unwell with OHSS for the following week and feeling down that we're now on hold until April for a FET. I went into the EC on 23 Jan with 27 mature follicles, 11 eggs were retrieved, 10 were fertilised, which went down to 4 embryos at day two and at day five we had 1 embryo standing which is a 5AC grade.

As you're warned from the beginning, I knew it would all be a bit of a roller coaster and although I had prepared myself that the numbers would go down from follicles to embryo, I wasn't prepared for such a drop and that combined with the OHSS and hormones getting back out of my system, I avoided the forums as I just wanted to get it all out of my mind until April, when we will be able to have a FET for the little guy but it's never that easy.

I've had one friend who told me she was pregnant around Christmas and although it's been hard seeing constant updates on social media of her and her bump, I've been able to be happy for her whilst also being thankful that she's not a best friend as that would be more of a struggle. So I returned to work last week and had picked myself up again, dreaming of a holiday in March to help with the distraction and telling myself that it will go quickly, and then yesterday came.

My best friend who has been here for me throughout the entire process and is the sweetest person in the world, struggled to tell me yesterday that she had just done a pregnancy test and that after their first month off the pill, she was pregnant. It was a huge shock but I was able to express my sincere elation as she'll be an amazing mum but some tears followed in the evening. Then this morning the second of my 3 closest friends told me that she is pregnant as well and I crumbled.

I have such admiration for you all who have been going through this for far longer than me, at only my first round, but I just don't know how you and we do it! I know that I will pick myself up and I will be excited with them as I see scan pictures and feel little baby kicks but know that I will be breaking inside at the same time.

I am sorry for the long essay but as you all know and appreciate, sometimes you need to just have an outpour! I find it hard to be 100% open with my husband since our diagnosis is male factor and the last thing I want to do is add to his feelings of guilt.

Thank you all for your support to date and I send you all love and empathy xXx

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  • Hi Busybee88. Well< I'm glad you've managed to get all of that off your chest! It's never easy what you have gone through, then to face all the successes which seem to be endless when you are still waiting. I just wanted to wish you well when you get to have your FET in April, and of course for success this time round. Thinking f you. Diane

  • Thank you Diane, you always have kind words of support to offer.

  • Hi Busybee, it's good to let it all out, and here is a great place to do that! Ivf is a roller coaster I am constantly up and down. Just remain positive, just think you'll be in the best health for your embryo transfer in April. It only takes one! Xxxx

  • Thank you EndoClaire. That's the plan - get fit and healthy for April! I'm just about managing to not give in to a huge pile of chocolate biscuits (which is never easy when you work in an office!) I'll be a pro-yogi with all the de-stressing yoga!

    Thank you for your kind words and I've seen your recent update - all the best for your 2ww and I have everything crossed for you x

  • god what an awful time you are having, i know exactly how you are feeling, i have two friends who just announced there pregnancies but luckily arent my best friend but one of them sits in front of me at work and told everyone about being pregnant the day i got a bnf last week!!! dont get me wrong im dead happy for them but in side im angry that its not me being able to shout about mine and talk about it all day!!!

    It does get easier, just takes time and when you have your baby it will be even more special, just need to remain positive that this WILL happen thats what im doing anyway we are just those special people who have to wait just that little bit longer.

    take care of yourself lovely.

    xxx

  • Hi Emma-Jane,

    I'm really sorry to hear about your BFN and completely sympathise with work colleagues announcing they're pregnant left, right and centre! Particularly when they have no idea what's going on with you, they're completely (and understandably!) swept up in their bubble of excitement and have no idea of the hurt they're causing.

    Thank you for your kind and supportive words which are hugely appreciated and I hope everything works out for you xXx

  • Oh Hun I really feel for you, to have been through all that and having not been well only to hear that not one but two of your friends are pregnant, that's a lot to contend with πŸ˜” I think probably all of us on here can sympathise with this feeling so you're definitely not alone. You feel such guilt that you're not anything but elated for them (especially when like you say, they're a lovely person) but it just makes you so sad and envious for yourself.

    I don't have any miraculous answers as I have struggled with this myself, I just wanted to say you're not alone and you should allow yourself to feel whatever it is you're feeling at any particular time. Be kind to yourself, don't beat yourself up if you feel something you feel you shouldn't, it's totally normal. If you're able to be honest with your friends then do try to, if they're a good friend they'll try to understand your pain. Can you access counselling at your clinic? I was sceptical but it has helped me.

    I really hope things go well with your next cycle, and tomorrow is a better day xxx

  • Hi Georgina,

    Thank you for your message. It often feels like there's nothing anyone can say that will make you feel better but this forum always pulls through and posts like yours definitely do help with getting you back on your feet after an emotional fall!

    They do offer counselling at our clinic and we had one session before we started which was helpful in terms of getting DH to open up - it's not something he does very often! I was wondering whether it would be worth going back but I'm not sure whether he would want to go as well. He generally prefers to not think about it and take everything as it comes whereas I find it hard to switch off!

    I wish you all the best for your cycle too and will look out for an update from you in April as well. I'll have everything crossed for positive outcomes for us both xXx

  • You're very welcome Busybee, I know exactly what you mean about nothing anyone can say helping..my sister told me she was pregnant about a year ago and after we had spoken (I held it together whilst she told me..somehow) I completely fell apart and nothing my DH said had any impact. I didn't recognise myself at all, the force of the emotions were so overwhelmingly strong. We're very close so I felt like the worst person in the world, even more so when she later miscarried πŸ˜”What I'm trying to say is I understand, I thought I'd never be able to be happy for her, despite my hubby trying to console me by saying I would. Our feelings are so complex during times like this.

    This forum also really helped me then, just seeing that I was far from the only person feeling like this and I wasn't a monster!

    My hubby also doesn't open up as easily as I do (understatement!) but this process has improved that and brought us closer together. However I do go to counselling on my own, partly because he's very positive by nature so is able to use that to get him through, and partly because it would be difficult for him to get to the counselling sessions from work during the day. This works for us and I think I definitely need it more than he does.

    Thanks for your wishes and I hope coming on here and letting it all out has helped xx

  • I'm so sorry that you need to go this through. I have very similar experiences and it is not easy, and often unfortunately it doesn't get easier but you learn to manage those feelings.

    I had very similar numbers with eggs and fertilised eggs on my first cycle and only one little fighter left on the transfer day. I remember that I couldn't even be happy that we got to the transfer way, I was so shocked that only one survived from all those eggs. I was crying about that for the whole day.

    Also my best friend told me two weeks ago that she is pregnant and it has without a doubt been a hardest pregnancy news that have been told to me, but also it was so hard for her. She thought she will loose me as a friend. But what helped me (and also her) was that we had a proper honest talk about everything. I told very honestly how I feel etc. And now two weeks later everything is great, and I couldn't be happier for her. I even heard other pregnancy news last weekend from other friend who knew also about our struggle and the way she told me was so unthoughtful so I wasn't even sad just annoyed of her way of telling to me....and first person who I told how annoyed I felt was my pregnant best friend.

    So what I am trying to say is that those who really matter to you and you matter to them should understand and support you. And more you are able to explain to them the easier is for them to understand. And don't worry about the others, just concentrate to yourself and important people in your life. And this is the best place to come and rant and let it all come out. That's why we are here, to support each other <3

  • Bless u Hun, it's such a tough journey.

    Completely understand as just over a year ago I went to meet my 2 best friends for dinner, one of which was pregnant and the other announced her pregnancy At dinner. I burst in to tears there & then!! And here I am all this time later still waiting.

    It's incredibly hard but I just to have faith that it's going to be worth the wait & our joy will be so much more as we worked so hard for it!!

    There are plenty of women on here that got pregnant with the first embryo so try to keep strong.i know the delays are frustrating but take the time to concentrate on u -eat healthy, go for a run, rest loads-really get your mindset to know u have yourself in tip top condition for the transfer

    Best of luck xxxx

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