A newbie (and feeling very low)


I hope you don't mind me joining you? I have been lurking on the group for a little while and you all seem so lovely and supportive. This is my first post.

A little about me. My lovely husband and I were told that due to my husband's low sperm count we need ICSI to get pregnant. We had the diagnosis last year after a couple of years of trying. After waiting for many months (on the NHS) we finally started our round of ICSI last month, and were really excited. Then today things unravelled a bit. I'm on day 8 of my stimms and had a scan that showed a polyp has developed. The consultant said that isn't uncommon when on the stimms. However, it means my cycle has been cancelled. They are still, at this stage, planning to go ahead with EC early next week but it will be a freeze-all cycle (assuming they get something to freeze and it goes ahead). But they are also a bit worried about OHS at the moment and monitoring me with daily bloods. So I'm fearful about the EC being cancelled too. Then at some point to be determined I need to have an operation under general to get rid of the polyp before starting again. I signed the consent forms for the operation today, through floods of tears. And who knows when we will be able to start round 2 of treatment again. I'm due to turn 36 very soon, so not ancient but also at a stage where most of my friends already have multiple children (and I would dearly love more than one, too).

I know this isn't the worst set back and some of you ladies have suffered through far worse. So I feel guilty by just how devastated I feel and that I am posting this at all. But I do feel devastated. I allowed myself to think it would finally happen for us. It also feels like everything has been on hold waiting for treatment and now I have to do it all again. I don't even know how I will manage work and taking even more time off as I've had to for appointments that drag on and take up several hours in the working week. And the disappointment when it doesn't work out ...

Sorry, this has been a very long and self-indulgent post! As I said, I feel guilty feeling so low about all of this. I should be able to just pick myself up and shake myself off!!

Thanks for reading. X

15 Replies

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  • Hey London, welcome! We love newbies! It might not be the worst we've dealt with... but it is for you and that's all that matters. During my journey I'd look back on some of my own posts and think 'god, I wish all I had to worry about was that now!'

    This whole journey is a rollercoaster. And sometimes you get on more than once. Or in your case... you get off while they change the tracks and get back on.

    35 is well old. Or so my niece tells me. I'm 35 too. And I have to remember that science is helping no matter what age. You're in a good position and being helped now... don't panic over things you can't control.

    You come here and ramble whenever you want. Hoping you manage to get to EC so that's one more tick on the 'to do' list done xx

  • Hello! And welcome 😊 Try not to worry too much, I doubt they will cancel your EC, and if they freeze all that's not a bad thing as doesn't matter how you age as those embryos will be all from when your 36 if that makes sense. Let your body then get back to normal and all will be ok. Keep drinking lots of water and eating lots of protein as this can help reduce the risk of over stimluation, continue with this after EC too. This whole ivf journey is full of setbacks but you won't your body to be in the best shape poss to receive your embryos, so once their in the freezer there then safe till your ready to go. Wishing you loads of luck x

  • Well done for plucking up the courage to get on here it's nice to have this place to share views.

    I went to my GP at 36 only wanted to double check all was ok expecting maybe some tablets and at 37 was having a laparoscopy and now at 38 I start my one and only round of IVF.

    It's a journey that's for sure just stick with it try to let your life be as full as possible do nice things for yourself too.

    I put off somethings waiting and waiting on this and I think it's the worst thing you can do x

  • Thank you - you ladies really are wonderful and have cheered me up enormously. Thanks for taking the time to respond. I am finding it all a bit tough as although I can talk to my husband he feels so guilty as no matter what I say he blames himself for he fact we are having to do IVF. And although I told my family and close friends about all of this, my mother hasn't called or checked in even once to see how it is going and nor have any friends. I guess they just don't know what it is like or perhaps don't want to intrude. So it is really great to have people to talk too.

    Thanks for all the advice too.

    RachG15 - when do you start your round? Good luck!

  • I start tomorrow!! Eeeeeeekkkk 😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱

  • Exciting! Good luck - I have everything crossed that you have smooth and successful cycle!

  • Hello!

    Just wanted to say welcome 😁 I totally get why you'd feel devastated as you gear yourself for something so big as ivf, and allow yourself to get a bit excited only to be told there's a delay....I was devastated when I went through my first icsi and I decided my follicles weren't growing quick enough...literally felt like the end of the world and cried big unladylike tears to the nurse haha!

    I'm in the same boat as you as it's my dh who has male infertility. We've been living/working through the guilt for 5yrs now...its almost part of our normal everyday life!

    Unfortunately our first icsi back in March ended in a bfn but we're halfway through our 1st frozen cycle and gearing myself up for another transfer on 22/6!!...actually can't wait for this one!!

    Anyway, keep in touch and let us know how the op goes and how your ivf progresses...good luck!! πŸ€ πŸ€ πŸ€

  • The 22nd isn't far away! Good luck - will be thinking of you. And thank you so much for your response. I'm sorry to hear all you have been through. It is tough, isn't it? And tough too living and working through the DH guilt. X

  • It'll come around fast (hopefully!)...it certainly is tough with mf infertility as in other cases you can lean on your man for support...in our case it's often them leaning on us!...trouble is, they do it in funny ways! My dh gets in these awful moods sometimes about the most stupid things but it's his way of letting the stress out. I recognise it now and don't rise to it. Everyone has they're own coping mechanisms I suppose, so I just try not to take it personally. It can be a bit explosive though when I'm going through a sh*tty time with the drugs, hormones and general ivf wear and tear....and he's sulking and feeling sorry for himself. We've lasted this long though so must be doing something right!

    You'll find your own way of getting through it too I'm sure 😚 xxx

  • My husband also has strange ways of coping. After this latest setback he has started talking about just getting a fur baby because he is saying he doesn't want to put me through this again. Which is sweet but also unhelpful - I know he really wants kids and it also means I feel I can't vent to him about how crappy this all is, because it makes him feel bad. Xx

  • Surprisingly this could be the best thing to happen. I had a polyp which grew when I was stimmed. I had to have my treatment cancelled because of this and lack of response to the stimms. However! Getting the polyp dealt with means they get a better look in you. Also FET is the most straight forward thing. Your body will be in much better shape and you get a lot more freedom. So when I had my fet after my failed fresh my body just felt 110 per cent ready... no cramping or pain from the egg collection. I felt I could experiment with massages and had lots of sex before to get blood flowing to my uterus. The massages and sex were separate people I utilised my husband for sex only and had professionals for the massages. I also spent time on the run up to the et doing 5 or 6 miles walking a day and felt more up to eating healthily. All I am saying is that you will have that bit more behind you to prepare yourself. I only waited one period between fresh and frozen... I am now pregnant btw. I think the universe will be working for you, it just doesn't feel like it at the moment. Also the operation is so straight forward... I didn't even feel like I had had anything done. Lots of luck hun.

  • Congratulations! And thank you - that is really reassuring to hear and is cheering me up!

  • You are welcome. Today your job is to make lots of lovely eggys and then you will have a separate job of making your uterus nice and receptive. It will be like when you can do coursework and an exam to get the best results. Not just the pressure of the exam. Look forward to hearing your journey. Xxx

  • Hey lovely welcome to this site- hope you find it supportive and useful. Although all our journeys are different we get the pain infertility causes- Inna way friends and family cant- it's impossible when you haven't been through this to understand the full impact.

    I am sorry to hear you having a difficult time of it-please don't feel bad about wanting and needing to let these feelings out. Its not good to hold these feelings in.This is the place to do this. This site has been a lifeline for me- during bad days it has been a huge comfort to me. The ladies and gents on here are so lovely and supportive.

    I am also 36 this year- but my consultant thinks we have plenty of time to conceive. So much so he offered us further investigations- long story cut short I had a laparoscopy yesterday and he found and removed endometriosis. After 5 years 10 months of TTC we finally have the reason for our infertility.

    I know set backs are hard to take- we've had many but it is good that the polyp has been found before the IVF has gone ahead- it might affect your chances of IVF working. Its annoying especially when we plan everything and get thrown a snowball.

    It is so hard when others have such a easy time to have children and we are all having such a hard time. It feels awful- happy for them but devastating it's not you. Urgh

    But it will be worth all the years and heartache to get a positive test. I believe good things come to those who wait.

    I had a hysteroscopy 2 years as it was thought I had a polyp but by the time the op came nothing there!!!

    If you have any questions on hysteroscopy or laparoscopy feel free to ask me.

    Wishing you the best.


  • Thank you so much. It is tough. I hope you are feeling okay after the laparoscopy. And that is great news that you finally have a reason. Hopefully you can now finally get that BFP. X

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