No offence meant but I need to vent

Firstly before I go ahead and offend anyone it's not my intention. I'm going to tell you about how adoption is not for us. Adopting is a wonderful thing though so please don't get me wrong.

I've just had a message from a friend who I've not seen in years. At 33 she's a few years younger than me. She has a little boy. Believe it or not she was 5 months pregnant before she realised (and she is a bright and lovely girl). Anyway I digress; she's just the latest in a long line of people who have "helpfully" suggested adoption. Why don't they get it? Why don't they get that I'm desperate to see two lines on a test, to feel my baby kick, to know that we made it; our love, our DNA. Besides, who would let us adopt? I'm only a part time agency worker for elderly people and my bf is a T4 paraplegic. We don't have money. Probably not high on the list of things they look for in adopting! All week long I've been posting on social media about infertility to raise awareness for infertility awareness week. Why don't people read? Why do they only care about issues that directly affect them? I'm sorry. I know she and every other person means well. I just have to stick to the scripted responses I've developed on this journey.

32 Replies

oldest β€’ newest
  • Hey Hun. Don't be sorry if you feel adoption is not for you. Everyone is different and they know what works for them.

    This journey is difficult enough to cope with friends or families announcing pregnancies and you wonder when it will be your turn.

    Its not that no one cares about your FB posts but if they haven't been through it they will not show interest. No one understands until they have experienced infertility and it also comes with not knowing what to say. So they come across as unsympathetic which never helps. However there are many people expriecing infertility but don't feel confident enough to share their experiences.

    I really hope things work out for you hunny because this journey is not an easy one. Xx

  • Thank you so much. I'll be honest, most people are supportive and I've had some lovely comments however if I had a Β£ for every time someone has had a solution then we could afford to do IVF about 10 times over. I don't mean to sound ungrateful, I know people mean well but they don't understand. That's why I come here. X

  • I can understand why you would be upset with others trying to tell you what they think is best.

    Adoption is very personal decision for you and your partner to make-it isn't right for everyone.

    i suppose the friends and family think they are being helpful-it's done with the best of intentions. Thet want you to be happy.

    They don't understand it-they wouldn't offer the advice they do if they did. It's down to a lack of understanding.

    I would be nice and say something along the lines that you want explore other options-and you both will be making decisions that is right for you both.

    You must follow your heart and do what's right for you both. It's not up to anyone what you want to do. Don't let their opinions upset you-they don't mean to just thoughtless.

    All the best with the fet-I have seen many women on here have successful fet-less pressure on the body. 🌈

  • You hit the nail on the head. Thank you so much x

  • And thanks for the good luck wishes too 😊 x

  • Completely understand you, I get the while why don't you use a surrogate......Um u want our baby to grow inside me, I want to go through the simple things so many other women get to go through so easily......vent away xx

  • I hear you. No ones suggested that one yet lol! People generally fall into two groups; the ones who think IVF will give you triplets and you'll be offering them out to people because you can't cope with them or the "Have you considered adoption/surrogacy?" X

  • Your so right! really annoys me plus the oh just relax!.....I find the only people who can help me is other women going g through the same xx

  • Don't know what how I'd cope without this group sometimes 😊 x

  • I totally get what you're saying. My husband and I have just decided to adopt and it's totally the right decision for us. But it's definitely not for everyone and I know it's not a quick fix or an easy route. We have only done 1 icsi cycle so some would say we could have tried harder will we regret it? Our only option was donor eggs and so baby wouldn't have been mine genetically. I finally feel like we have hope but I totally get the women who for them just want their own baby. I will never have a newborn. I've never craved being pregnant always been scared of it.!! But for a long time 3 years we tried everything so i wanted a baby desperately but this new route feels right. People who don't understand are infuriating. Xx

  • I think it's a very positive decision you've made. I hope the process goes very smoothly for you both x

  • Thank you. I hope it's not long and drawn out even another year without a child feels a bit unbearable. Wishing you all the best with your treatment xx

  • Thank you 😊 x

  • I get the exact same thing, I work in social services next to the adoption and fostering team "loads of people go through what you have, just adopt" blah blah blah. My auntie is adopted it's a great thing to do but just not for us. Why can't people get I just want my own baby, surely is that a lot to ask for.

    So I completely understand, your entitled to your opinion and no one else can make that for you. So tell them to politely "off" πŸ‘Š Because they just don't get it.xx

  • You're right they don't. Sometimes I think they don't want to either; too much like hard work trying to understand x

  • Adoption isn't for us either, it's great that some people can adopt but it isn't for everyone. It's only been suggested to me by one person before we started ICSI but it was meant with no agenda attached to it. We shouldn't feel guilty for not wanting to go down the adoption route. I think people don't realise how difficult infertility is and see adoption as the logical answer.

  • Exactly. They think they can fix us with their advice. I know they mean well I just wish their ignorance didn't hurt x

  • Try not to stress hun i used to be the same when ppl used to suggest adoption to me even tho I'd explained why it wasn't for me. Last night my mates mate was like ivf it's simple isn't just injections. Well let's just say she was a crying wreck after I'd told her all about ivf and the emotional rollercoster it is. Just some advice to help with funding hun. I did a charity night I asked all my family and friends to donate unwanted items you'd be amazed how many ppl want to help. I found it cheeky at first but when I put it on my Facebook the response was amazing. Good luck hun xx

  • We've been so lucky in that my auntie (who is like a second mum to me) has given us Β£1000 and we had Β£2250 in 'life' savings (lol) but if we have any frosties left if this next round doesn't work we may have to fund raise x

  • Aww that's lovely. I had a few car boots every penny counts. 😊 x

  • We'll either run out of money or run out of embryos. At least if we run out of money we may be able to raise it, doubtful we could ever raise enough for another fresh cycle x

  • Have faith Tugsgirl I didn't think we could but we did well 3.5 thousand. We put the rest in. Good luck hun xx

  • Well done. I have a lot of admiration for you x

  • Thank you xx

  • I feel exactly the same Tugsgirl. "Why don't you adopt" is the one this that bugs me the most.

    I would actually be up for adoption but I'd be most scared about the adoption process - having our lives picked over by judgmental social workers, I know they are just doing their jobs but I hate to think of them invading our lives. I already feel like my privacy has been invaded enough through fertility treatments. I have friends who tried to adopt and the agency told them that the husband wasn't suitable (he's a really quiet guy) - it was so upsetting for him to be judged that way.

    I never know what to say in response so find myself having to justify going for treatment.... Do you have a good one line response that closes off that line of questioning??


  • No not one line but I wish I did!

    OH wouldn't even have considered sperm donor let alone adoption. I agree. I'm not just desperate for a baby, I'm desperate for his baby! I'd have considered donor eggs if I'd needed them though..

    I hardly think our situation would pass social services check lists for adoption either. Even if adoption was something we'd thought about who would think we were ideal candidates if they turned your friends down? I mean my partner is disabled and I'm a part time unskilled worker. We don't know how we'll cope with a baby on a practical level (with OH's disability) but we know this; it would be loved, wanted and cared for. X

  • Yes we probably would struggle financially, my OH has a good job but i work freelance so wouldn't get mat cover and we can't afford our mortgage and bills on just his salary, so I would have to start working again after a month or two if we had a baby. But if it's our child that is down to us to work out! I know I could make it work, but I am not sure a social worker would agree.

    My friends who were denied were in a good financial position, but it was based on the husband's personality. Harsh!

    I have some other friends who adopted a baby, but it all went wrong, I don't know all the details of it but they ended up returning the baby (!!). A couple of years later they tried again and adopted a little boy, aged 5, and it has worked out really well.

    Adoption isn't easy! x

  • Very harsh. Adoption isn't easy in any way x

  • Oh bless you, I don't think there's anything wrong with anything you've just said. I've been there. Everyone thinks it's such a simple solution. They're wrong. As much as I would consider it should all else fail, it's a journey that I hope to never be on and I'm made to feel like a terrible person for feeling like that. People who have had their own children, who understand that joy, think it's their place to tell me I should adopt. Well hold on a minute now; did you consider it? Did it enter your tiny mind for one teeny tiny second to adopt a child instead of having your own? No it didn't. Everyone believes they have an automatic right to be a biological parent but if you're struggling to conceive there's the automatic assumption you should adopt. The truth is it's none of their business but we don't say that do we? We smile and talk around the issue to make them feel more comfortable.

    Don't listen to anyone who tries to tell you what you should be doing, the truth is they have absolutely no idea what we're going through and the challenges we may face. Sending love to you and your partner x x x

  • Thank you so much x

  • This sounds surprisingly similar to me! just before i started my cycle, i had the biggest falling out ever with my mam and 2 sisters, they constantly said "ill be a surrogate blah blah blah" and i just flipped one day, told them how upsetting that sounded to me when i hadnt even started my first round of IVF yet... made me feel more worthless that i already felt, safe to say after the argument they never mentioned it again...... and this is the exact reason ive only told really close family about IVF because i couldnt be dealing with hearing that all the time xxxxxx

  • same here, not that i hate the adoption itself it is just not for me, i want to have my own kids and i know that there is a long and a hard path before me, because of my diagnosis. i just know that when you still have some options you better try everything before turning to adoption because as for me it is the last opportunity in my life. even going abroad seems not that hard when you think that it is the only option to have the chance to carry a baby.

You may also like...