My boss is pregnant 😩😩😩

[FakeHappy]

My boss told me yesterday she is pregnant and I'm distraught. She's in her late 30s and never wanted children as far as I know. Although she sadly had a miscarriage earlier this year she fell by accident so it was a big shock for her and me!

I had a miscarriage last April which I don't think I'll ever get over. Our baby would be one next week and we've been trying for almost 2 years. We know I have pcos but haven't been allowed clomid as my husbands morphology was slightly low. We repeated the test and all results went through the floor so we have one more shot to improve it before our appointment at the end of the month.

My boss knows about all our troubles so handled it sensitively but I just don't know how I'm going to cope with her growing bump every day, people gushing over how wonderful it is, meeting her baby then not having my lovely supportive boss around for at least 6 months after.

I managed to hold it together until I left work last night but broke down as soon as I got in my car, all the way home then until my husband came home and calmed me down. I woke up crying in the middle of the night and again this morning.

I am having counselling for the miscarriage /infertility but just don't know how to cope and am dreading work on Monday already.

Anyone experienced this have any advice? Xxx

[Tugsgirl]

I’m sorry you’re in this situation. My first ivf loss would also have been one next week too.

It’s great that you are having regular counselling. Obviously you need to bring up the situation with your boss at your next session. Maybe you could even talk to your boss? Tell her how happy you are for her but remind her that you’re also a bit sensitive about pregnancies. She sounds nice so hopefully you and she can work together to make this situation as easy as possible for you both xx

[FakeHappy in reply to Tugsgirl]

I'm so sorry for your loss, we must have got pregnant around the same time then. We lost our baby at 11ish weeks end of April 2017 although mine was a missed miscarriage so I don't know exactly when it happened, that's just when I found out.

My boss is lovely and understanding but apart from her not being pregnant (and i would hate for anything bad to happen to her) I can't think of a way I'll be ok seeing her every day 😔 xx

[Tugsgirl in reply to FakeHappy]

Mine was a missed miscarriage too. Then I had another one in September.

I really think you should talk to your boss. See how you get on. I know it’s very hard xx

[Hidden]

I've been in this situation and my heart goes out to you, If you have a good relenship with your manager I would sit down with her and explain your struggles with dealing with pregnant people ect , I'm sure she will understand.

My manager has since left the company and sent me a really lovely email saying how she had understood my feelings and did the best keep out my way as she didn't want to upset me.

Dealing with her bump growing I just had to maintain eye contract with her ( she probably thought I was a werido at times but that's just how I coped.

I do think personally the announcement was the worst bit and then you just sort of adapt and focus on other things .

I fell pregnant and when I told my boss she was ecstatic for us, but I sadly lost it, when my work colleague ( friend ) explained this, my manager left the office in tears for us, when I went back I could see my manager feel uncomfortable at times been around me.

We didn't have the best working relenship to be honest but we both wished each other the best when she left.

Xx

[FakeHappy in reply to Hidden]

Thank you, sorry to hear about your loss. We do get on well and she's been so supportive with the infertility stuff. She had been so worried about telling me she was pregnant I could see the relief on her face when I said I was happy for her.

I know she'll understand but I don't know what practical things I can do when she sits opposite me and is going to be so pregnant, plus wider colleagues saying what good news it is.

I know people will say 'oh isn't it great news that XXX is pregnant, you just be so excited for her' - I don't want to lie and just agree but at the same time I don't want people to think I'm weird or horrible if I say I'm happy for her but struggling because of infertility /a loss if they didn't know my background.

My team know everything I'm going through but I work really closely with another department where I get on really well with them but we don't know these kind of details of each others lives so its hard. X

[Dunla]

First of all I am very sorry for your loss and do hope that the counselling you’re attending will be of help you.

I do know how much it can hurt when others close to you announce they’re pregnant and how it can unleash a complete avalanche of emotion. I’ve been there too.

I’m not sure what to say to you about facing your colleague on Monday. Perhaps it is an issue you could bring up at your next counselling session. Maybe your counsellor could suggest some coping strategies for you.

Sending you a big hug xx

[FakeHappy in reply to Dunla]

Thank you so much for replying. I know my boss was worried about upsetting me but I just don't know how I'm going to cope going forwards. Have counselling Monday night so will certainly bring it up. In the meantime I might just try and work elsewhere in the building to avoid her - have problems with another colleague too who's in Monday and I don't want to see him either! X

[Dunla in reply to FakeHappy]

I also try to keep my distance a bit when someone is pregnant and I know it will upset me. It’s self preservation. It’s good to hear at least that your boss is clearly aware of your feelings. A good friend and former colleague of mine who knew about my situation was so upset about telling me she was pregnant. I actually felt really guilty that she felt guilty!! Hoping you have a good chat with your counsellor about this on Monday night. I think they’ll be able to offer some good advice and help you work through your feelings xx

[Hidden]

It really helps that you like your manager to much, so I think you will adapt - although I know it won't be easy.

I always told myself, when others were pregnant around me - that they were having their and their husbands baby - and I wanted my and my husbands baby - not theirs - so it helped me detach from that longing. As, ultimately you long for your own pregnancy, your own baby - not theirs. I hope it helps. And it sounds to me like she will be sensitive towards you too.

I had an old neighbour that would come and shove scans in my face, call me everyday with pregnancy updates - She knew I would need IVF but she kept on - simply no telling her - and I know she thought it was something she had on me. Luckily she didn't know that whilst I was happy for her, i was not remotely jealous, because i really didn't see her pregnancy as anything related to me. If that makes sense (kinda hard to explain).

Hope that helps...that's my messed up way of looking at it but it really worked for me. xx

[Lizzielizzielizzie]

My sister in law was due to have a baby at the same time as me, but had a missed miscarriage. I have found it hard being pregnant round her (though I had two miscarriages and two failed ivfs previously which she knows). Your lovely boss will be as worried as you are about the impact on you, and I think the best thing you can do is try to communicate with her about how you are feeling at different times so that she can try to respond appropriately and help you manage it. Good luck xxx

[Lyn84]

My friend at work was pregnant last yr and we had been trying at the same time altho she had been trying longer and had had a miscarriage the yr before she totally deserved that happiness i took it really badly when i found out she was pregnant and like you broke down crying as soon as i got in the car i even struggled when she had the baby i didnt want to hold her but luckily a few months later i got passed it but hearing everyone ask about her pregnancy and then about the baby was so hard so i totally feel for you, it ends up making you feel bad for the way your feeling but you just cant help it

[Rainbowhope]

I'm so sorry hun. Yesterday I found out that my neighbours pregnant and cried loads. I relate to your feelings and I'm so sorry. I have no advice except keep going with the counselling and try to use meditation techniques to help the panic attacks. Night time panic attacks are the worst for me. You're not alone.