Trigger warning: pregnancy loss- late/second trimester miscarriage

[Gemcow]

Hi

This has been such a hard journey and in looking for some advice/hope. It’s been 7 long, painful years of infertility and IVF albeit with a successful pregnancy in the middle.

I recently gave birth to a beautiful baby boy at 17weeks and 4 days after 3 cycles of IVF- 5 transfers, 2 of which failed, 1 chemical pregnancy, 1 miscarriage and 1 ectopic pregnancy. We had seen a heartbeat at the 15week scan and had finally started to tell people, including our 3 year old daughter (also IVF and I had a miscarriage and ectopic pregnancy before she was born). Then at a 17 week scan to check gender there was no heartbeat and I started the induction process the next day. Absolutely heartbroken, the pain is indescribable. And advice of how to get through this would be greatly appreciated.

I am trying to find hope for the future (though this baby can never be replaced) and I have 2 frozen 4ab embryos left from our last cycle. We need to think about whether to get these tested, is it worth it with 2? The thought of them coming back as both abnormal is terrifying but also would it prevent this happening again?! Then I know people that have had continuously no normal embryos when testing and then decided not to test them for the next round and had a successful pregnancy. We haven’t got the results of the post mortem etc so don’t know why this may of happened (they said there is a 50/50 chance of finding out why) which will probably help us decide but these are current thoughts going round in my mind.

If you have had a late loss, how long did you have to wait before trying again?

I wound love to hear any success stories after late loss to give me a little bit of light in this very dark time.

Sorry if this is triggering for anyone, I’ve found it difficult to find others who have experienced this.

Sending love to all the amazing, strong people who face the battles of infertility each and every day. Xxxxx

[Jess1981]

hi I so sorry for the loss of your little boy.

I haven't had ivf but struggled for 7 years ( 3 endometriosis Laps) to have our daughter Francesca who is 4 in June.

After Francesca we tried again for a sibling . We conceived incredibly fast but lost our daughter Amelia at 20 weeks pregnant in November 2020. Like yourself we were having a normal pregnancy and had a scan just 2 weeks ago that she was fine then at our 20 week scan she had no heartbeat. To say I was shocked biggest understatement. I still miss and think of Amelia but less than in the beginning of my grief. No parent should ever lose a child 🥲

2 consultants said different things about trying again -1 said wait 6 months and turn other said wait till after next period. I was in such high grief trying was the only way to make me feel better. I had had a terrible time having Amelia I lost 1.8 litres of blood , needed surgery for retained placenta and a blood transfusion. Not only emotionally but physically my body had gone through the ringer.

I conceived the period afterwards but it was a chemical pregnancy. And then I conceived again but again another miscarriage this time at 7 weeks. These losses added to my immense grief. After seeing a miscarriage specialist who found no cause we conceived but this time had a successful pregnancy which resulted in our 1 year old daughter Eliza. We conceived her 6 months after losing Amelia. She was also born on 16th which is tired date of the scan we learned Amelia had died. I won't lie the pregnancy I was terrified throughout but I had a lot of medical support extra scabs heartbeat checks etc. nothing stopped me worrying. Eliza arrived 15 months after the loss of Amelia so the loss was still very raw still. I don't know if the other 2 losses were just "bad luck" or if my body in hindsight needed time to rest and repair from such a physical ordeal

Everyone has different ways of coping with such huge losses some people need time others want to try asap.

I would talk it though with your specialist and be guided by what they think is best. And how you feel emotionally whether you can cope with everything that comes with trying.

I can definitely recommend SANDS as there are many other parents online who've had similar losses. I found a great support from them. Also the hospital can arrange a therapist to talk to you - I had counselling right after my loss but found it hurt me more to keep discussing Amelia and the grief was too raw. But for some that might be helpful.

I am thinking of you and hope you have an army of support around you Xx .

[Gemcow in reply to Jess1981]

Thank you so much for sharing this with me Jess and I’m sorry you to had to experience such heartbreak. You have given me hope ❤️

I have been thinking about looking into SANDs and I think I definitely will. It feels like such a lonely place to be right now.

Xxxxxxx

[butterfliez]

Hi I am so very sorry for the loss of your baby boy 💙 truly heartbreaking. Sending you so much strength. There are no words to describe the pain. After such a gruelling process of ivf too is awfully cruel!

I suffered the late loss of my daughter in 2021 after years of infertility/ivf

I recommend using the sands online forums . There are so many of us going through the same on this group & they have threads specifically for loss after ivf & continuing ivf which I have found a huge help. Il attach the link below. I hope this can also help you.

sands.community/

I was told to wait a minimum 6 months to heal physically before having further ivf treatment but I had a c section so that’s why it was longer. You may be able to start sooner than that if you had an unassisted birth. Obviously emotionally/mentally you may not feel ready after such trauma.

I am yet to have another pregnancy after further transfers & another full cycle but still we will continue on in hope.

Like you say no baby will ever replace your son but to have hope of a rainbow baby to fill aching arms is what keeps us going.

Feel free to msg me anytime if you want to chat xx

[Sweethear]

am so sorry for your loss. I hope you heel from this very soon. My friend Lost her baby girl at 19 weeks IVF pregnancy in October 2021 it was horrible thankfully is just had a baby boy on the 9th of March 2023 at 37weeks 4 days IVF.

[Shirazlover2013]

I’m so sorry to hear you’ve had to experience this loss. I had a TFMR last year of a little boy at 15weeks. I know the pain at the moment all is unbearable. There’s nothing to be done right now but live through each hour, each day until it slowly eases. I have a 7 year old who would ask me why I was crying to which I answered that I had a nightmare and it’s really upset me, it was true I was living in a nightmare that I couldn’t wake from.

At the time I worried about a hormonal crash incl milk coming in but thankfully it didn’t eventuate, I was surprised how quickly my body returned to normal. So that left me with the emotional fallout which wasn’t pretty at all! I took 2mths off work and then phased back a few days a week for another few months. I had a lot of anger towards my in laws (who told us 2 weeks after our loss they were expecting a baby due a few weeks after ours was due). I went on anti depressants which helped a lot. I found a counsellor who I would have video calls with, who I still see every 3 weeks or so.

We didn’t make any decisions in the first few months but when we were ready my ivf clinic suggested waiting 4mths after my surgery before doing a FET. We went on to have a miscarriage at 6 weeks before doing another FET 3mths later of our last embryo with which we are 9weeks pregnant now. The fear of loss hasn’t gone and I find myself crying regularly now for my baby boy. As with anything in the infertility world it’s one foot in front of the other, keep on moving.

I hope your doctors and other medical staff have been and continue to be empathetic and kind. Family members and friends do not always understand as only people who have walked in these shoes can truly know how it feels this awful combination of infertility AND loss. Xxoo

[Melter123]

I am so sorry to read about the loss of your little boy. As you so perfectly say.. the pain is indeed indescribable. A pain I am familiar with as I too have had a late loss. There is so much I can say but all of it though little comfort at this time.I would love to be able to help in any way I can. In terms of hope I can offer up the knowledge that a kind of healing is possible. A good counsellor is worth their weight in gold. SANDS also play a vital role in facing what has happened and helping you navigate the deep dark water. Grief teaches you all sorts that you don't want to know. It has taught me how lonely it can feel but incredibly common at the same time. I am also on the infertility roller-coaster. It has an air of such desperation and anguish at the best of times. It takes a different path now. I know some who had rainbows very soon afterwards and some who for one reason or another took years. There is no right or wrong and to think we r in control of such things also takes on a different shade after loss. For me it took years of trying and 'failing'. We have a rainbow. Not a single breath I take or anything I do is done without the little girl I lost in my heart and mind. I am able to laugh and love and live. I did not believe it was possible in the early days of grief.💙

P. M anytime x

[Emlou87]

I am so so sorry. There are no words/ nothing anyone can do to ease the pain. I lost our little boy at 20weeks (due to congenital abnormality), fell pregnant again within a few months and went into early labour at 31weeks. I lost him too. For me, I needed answers wherever possible in order to help me move on. I needed to know what had caused me to lose my boys so we could do everything in our power to prevent it happening again. The medical team weren’t able to give me concrete answers but were able to give me the most likely reasons. Since then, I have had operations on my womb to increase my chances of a live birth and have been closely monitored in my pregnancies since then.

Time is a great healer and although you never heal completely from a loss like this, you learn to live with it. Thinking of you. ❤️