LOSING YOUR CHILD

Don’t know what to do anymore… I had a miscarriage 3 weeks ago.. now I am lost and devastated if not to say more.. I am looking through all of the greetings cards in the box behind my bad right now.. it is really really hard. I don’t know how I will look at my colleagues once I am at work, I suppose all of them already know about what’s happened and I am praying not to explain anybody anything except for my boss. But she’s great and she understands what I am going through.. it was 17 week of my lost pregnancy, I was so sure that I will deliver a girl (because my us picture was very clear and we assumed it to be a girl), I was preparing and celebrating because the treatment were successful. Because in my clinic 12 week of the tx is considered as a success so I thought that it’d be enough.. but unfortunately I had m/c. it was all due to my weak cervix..

Now, I don’t know what to do, I am tired and am sleeping for hours and hours, I don’t feel well at all and I think that my life is ended right at the moment when I lost my unborn child… I don’t want to think about it but I can’t stop… i have this horrible thoughts in my had all the time.. if you can help me please help me then thank you…

76 Replies

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  • Honey… Time will heal every single one of your wounds.. I am so sorry that you have experienced something as horrible as m/c. And saying that you have to be strong and remember that it will become a part of you past sometime in the future, I don’t think that it makes sense.

    My condolences hun! I am with you, I wish I could give you a hug.

    Have some rest, sleep as much as you want, just do whatever you want and don’t think about anything else. I am sure everyone will understand what you have been through!

    Hugs!

  • Thank you so much, but it’s already been 3 weeks and honestly I can’t seem to make myself get along with this fact that I have been that unlucky in some ways.. I am getting my rest and all because I have been through a surgery where drs have tighten my cervix. Now I will have to recover physically and emotionally.

  • what are their prognosis regarding this surgery? is it possible for you to carry future pregnancies and deliver healthily, till the due date?

  • They say that yes, I will be able to carry the baby if of course i am able to recover well but they say that I am still young enough to hope that everything will be well.

  • How are you doing honey? I see that you have been getting a lot of support recently; it is really good that there are so many people who are here for you! So sad though that that many of us share the same issues, but what can we do? Hope that in the future you will be able to overcome this for 100 percent and you will be the best mommy in the world!

    I can tell that there are lots of women who have been able to get over their own past not like that’s a good thing but they have managed to become mothers and create families of our dreams. Again I wish you all the best

  • I think she needs time to rehab, both physically and emotionally. Time heals all wounds. I was thinking about your case a lot. I think doctors should have saved your pregnancy. it was their mistake as well. i know they can tighten cervix even when you are already pregnant. your case is outrageous. women with weak cervix should get proper medical treatment and care and finally give birth to healthy children. at least they should have told you to stay in bed most time of the day. sounds crazy? at least she would have saved her pregnancy.

  • I'm so sorry. it seems that your grieve knows no limits, it's a huge loss. what about your health? How long will take to recover? What do they tell you? You mentioned that in your clinic 12 week pregnancy is a success. May I ask what treatment were you subject to? What do your medical supervisor tell you now?

  • Unfortunately at the time everything happened I couldn’t comprehend everything so it was like flashes, doctors just told me what I know and that it will take some time. my family is here so I will be relying on their care... they do support me a lot..

    it was ivf treatment, because me and my hubby couldn't conceive for too long so we had to turn to the fertility treatment.

  • it's good that you sleep a lot. you should give yourself a good rest to rehab both phisically and psychologically. i had an early mc in my early 20s. i know how it feels. but i cant even imagine how it feels to loose pregnancy at 17 weeks. it's a great lost. i'm sorry.

    vicayevard, i agree that time heals. you need to live further and live your life happily. was it due to very low previa? what are their prognosis for future pregnancies?

  • hi.. thank you for your words.. as i have been told the fetus was growing bigger and bigger and it kept pushing the cervix which led to pregnancy loss.. they say that after fixing my cervix everything should be alright. and my hubby said that most woman can get pregnant after it so.

  • The pain of losing a child is something that no parent should ever have to feel, my heart truly goes out to you..

  • Thank you!! Yes, it is… I can’t stop crying..

  • I have dealt with weaken cervix and also had a m/c but it was earlier than yours. I had to undergo the surgery as you did. It was my 3 attempt to get pregnant through assisted reproduction and I thought I was lucky.. we were waiting for our 12 week us diagnostic but unfortunately I did too lose my child. But that was 2 years ago. Obviously I had to take some time to recover as obviously you will have to do so from any kind of activities and treatments. But as I have recovered and was feeling well we underwent our forth and the last egg donor ivf attempt and it went well.

    Take your time honey and don’t hurry. Everything will get well sooner or later!

  • I feel so freaking horrible.. thank you for leaving your story here, it indeed encourages me a bit.. it is something that no one should experience when it’s happened I was sedated and couldn’t understand what was happening, drs too weren’t saying that much, I was just briefly explained about what happened. And after the surgery it is only like first couple of days when I can feel like doing something a bit more productive..

    I am sorry for your loss too..

  • I feel better right now though! Thank you for being so kind! That's an incredible feeling to get a bfp and I wish you the same, you will someday become a mother and it will be an incredible experience!

  • but how did you take that decision to continue trying? Because honestly I can't imagine myself going for another cycle..

  • You know we said to ourselves that it is going to be our last chance, that it is nothing to be afraid of, that lots of people keep going, that if we don’t succeed we will give up because it is not something that you would want to do for the rest of your life, sometimes you have to say to yourself stop

  • I am glad that you didn't stop! It is obviously was the best decision you could've taken. and you wasn't afraid to give birth to a child after what has happened to you??

  • Uhm.. not really. first of all we started thinking about the tx after 2 years after the loss.. and I have managed to overcome the major depression I have been in for months. So. It was okay for us. and in terms of my health my doctor told me that I am okay and if i want to carry a bay everything will be just fine, they will just monitor my condition a bit more strictly in this case.

    the only thing that was problematic a bit it was that we had to change the clinic because of the reasons..

  • oh I can imagine how hard it was for you to find another clinic and to get used to new personnel. it is something that really blows my minnd how far we all can go for our dream!

  • Yes, it was hard to find the clinic but the staff was so likable and kind that I loved it there almost immediately especially because I needed special treatment and to that clinic I think travel only women who don't have another choice. Like they won't choose going all the way up there for just another cycle so they are pretty experienced in working with women with fertility issues (duh because it is fertility center)

    and we also signed the contract with transition to surrogacy in case nothing works out.

  • All the way where?

  • To Ukraine. :)

  • You have been to Ukraine for the treatment? I mean.. isn’t it too far away like from the civilization? I thought you were just talking about your domestic clinics, how you were looking for the new one. And it indeed sounded reasonable and fine but like going all the way to Ukraine.. Why?

  • Because of the prices.. we were choosing between going to US which was our last option honestly or to Ukraine. And the last one won. Because of all those reasons we have chosen our clinic and got to pay only 10k for 2 attempts contract with the transition to surrogacy.

  • But what do they offer for you to travel over there for a simple ivf?

  • In my country I can’t get ivf de treatment, because it is forbidden so. I was in the clinic where they were giving us the car, flat and we were accompanied by the interpreter everywhere we went. Also if something went wrong before 12 week of the pregnancy we would start the tx all over again and in the worst scenario it’d be surro transition as I have told you.

    PS sorry to overwhelm you with all of that info.

  • But how is it possible to not be able to get the ivf tx? Is this even normal?

    And you have chosen to pay for the hotels and other stuff in Ukraine just because they offer you cheaper options? I mean, what do you mean saying that they gave you those things?

    No, that's okay, I am just very curious and it is very helpful to talk about something like this with you. thank you

  • I think that it is completely legal and stuff but I don't support it obviously, I don't know how would it turn of for me if we stayed in Germany rather than travelling in another country. we have been to Greece before and got only negatives..the thing I liked the most in this clinic is that they make sure that on 12th week everything is okay, if something happens before 12 week check than the clinic will cover all the expenses (except for the 1 att contract). we didn't have to pay for all of those, it was the clinic who provided us with all of that. basically 10k it was for all of the time we spent in Ukraine, we just had to buy the tickets and that's it.

  • Are you talking about biotex? Because I was there too. I can agree with you on that you have said but honestly I didn’t particularly like my time at the clinic. There were a lot of people and we couldn’t find the place to seat when we were there, it was nightmare to see all of the pregnant surrogates..

  • Yes, I am. When we were at the clinic for our initial consultation we didn’t see that things at all, I mean, the clinic was half empty back then, but maybe it was due to that it was a state holiday that day and my manager arranged us an appointment as we discovered later on the day when everyone should be resting at their homes. We felt a bit awkward and guilty but it was the only day we could come to the pick up to Ukraine..unfortunately

  • Really? Was your appointment misarranged or something? Though it is very kind of them to open the clinic for you.

  • Actually I don't think so, I am sure they have decided to help me because we all are busy here and all of us have work, so I have explained why it is only possible for me to come to Ukraine on that particular date and they have said that it won't be a problem.

    ps have I confirmed that it was biotex clinic, i think not. so yeah, we too were there.

  • Oh, how do they look? I mean, are those women beautiful? Because I am planning on going there for surro tx and it’d be great to get to know about biotex as much details as possible.

  • They were okay, I have seen lots of them standing before the room where I went to pay for the contract with my manager. They were holding something in their hands that looked suspiciously similar to their piss. I don’t know why because as I have seen they have special room for them to seat.

    I am not particularly against them or any pregnant women it is just I don’t think that it is okay for them to be there while the clients don’t even have where to seat.

  • Maybe they were checking if those surros are okay? I think that in this clinic they do this regular checkups of the surros to see if they smoke or not. Idk

  • Can I ask you why it was that bad to see pregnant women? I mean, isn't it a good sign? It is as much as saying that you don't like children.. i don't see anything bad with surrogate mothers at all..

  • As I have told I don't see anything bad with surrogates it is just there were a lot of them in the clinic, I thought that we won't see them especially when the clinic is so strict with the right for the parent to meet their surros only at the 12 week.

  • But you may see it in the different light like the clinic is open about its surrogate mothers so you can be sure that all of them are healthy and suitable for the treatment.

  • 10k? I know that it is not that much especially comparing to US but for your only attempt isn't it too much? and when you came to the airport how did you manage to find the clinic, I supposed that you don't travel every year to Ukraine and don't speak their language..

  • 2 years.. that sounds like a really long time to me..

  • But yeah, I think if you will work on yourself i mean on your relationships with others it will help you a lot, i know that it seems impossible to you but you just have to start and try to openly talk about your issues and your loss. It will help you!

  • I'm so sorry u have been thru this! Sending u big hugs xxx

  • Thank you a lot! It's been very tough time for me.. And these days, I have been getting a lot of support. You are very-very kind. Now as I am resting things are slowly getting better with each hour and day..

  • Hi huni, I'm so sorry to hear about your loss and the way you're feeling. I too lost my little girl last year at 24 weeks, its heart breaking but time will heal your pain. I've now had a second lot of ICSI & im currently 11 weeks. I'm under Liverpool women's and they're fantastic, im going to be checked by the EPU after my 12 week scan and possibly a stitch put in my cervix to stop an early labour. The things they can do nowadays is brilliant, rest up and you can start trying again. I wish you all the luck in the world xx

  • Thank you so so much! It means a lot to me...

    Wish you the best!

    PS though I am not sure that I will be starting my treatmeent again soon. I can't stop thinking about all the possible things that could happen to me when I start again.

  • I completely understand where you're coming from, I'm currently suffering from anxiety so I'm seeing a councillor to help me deal with it. It will be hard but hopefully all worth it in the end xx

  • I was thinking about going to the specialist but I don't feel like it now. the best thing I was advised to not hurry up, to make small steps towards health and full recovery. Hopefully it'll be all good some times.

  • Hi

    I feel all your pain but just get through 1 minute at a time. We lost baby boy at 17 weeks too they say to a weak cervix I had seen the midwife that same morning.

    Just take it one minute at a time speak to whom you like when you like and feel ready. You.wont feel like seeing anyone for a while which is normal today you be OK tomorrow you be crying and angry it's all normal

    My midwife said you can get through 1 minute at a time xzz

    So so sorry for your loss it will get better slowly but it will take time.

    We got to bury our boy and go see him at least every minute we can xxx

  • oh my godness.. i feel you hun

    this is so depressing and devastating to just think about how things can possible go wrong just in a second. something don't feel right here. it's like I was blessed just for a certain amount of time and all of the happy moments are going to continue living in my past...

    i am incredibly devastated i have no words but your commentary seems to sooth my pain. it is incredibly selfish to fell that because you are not alone in your pain and suffering.

  • PS mine was in July and I am still grieving it takes time

  • Really? but honestly i don't think that this pain will ever disappear.. I think that i will be grieving for all of my life and if i ever get to start another fertility treatment I will feel the same..

    Will I ever get to love my child if I ever have one?

  • I'm so sorry to hear your sad news. I understand your devastation- I had second miscarriage in January and I wanted to be 'okay' but I was anything but. My husband has subsequently told me that he thinks I went into shock. I went to the doctors who signed me off work for a while. I didn't talk to anyone as I felt I couldn't but if you can it could really help. My heart goes out to you. If you ever want to talk to anyone please pm me. X

  • it is actually true that talking to others helps because after I created this thread I started to feel better

    I am here with you!!! I am so sorry that you had to experience all of that.. I understand your desire to just shut up and keep your pain inside.. it is what is wrong with me. i think that I am just unable to tell other people about my m/c. i am afraid that only you here can understand me

  • If you ever want to talk please PM me. I spent weeks literally not feeling anything. I thought I would never feel a single emotion again I just felt numb. I wouldn't make eye contact with anyone, when I went out I felt like there was a neon sign above my head and everyone just somehow knew. I didn't talk about it with anyone for months but for miscarriage awareness week a couple of weeks ago I posted a brief summary of our story on facebook (not usually my style at all) but the support we've had has been incredible. I had a lot of people private message me both men and women to tell me their own story. It is way more common than people think (I know we're told this all the time but I actually believe it now)

    I am usually very private and have a few close friends but I needed the time to shut people out to deal with it myself. I know they were all there and have been since and I can talk to them now that I'm ready. Don't put any pressure on yourself to start being 'okay' It's almost as if people think x time has passed now so you should be fine. I still have days now (last night in fact) where I cried and repeated 'it's just not fair'

    X

  • Oh my god... But I am too afraid to show it to the public, like dealing with it on my own and just talking to random anonymous people on the internet is all that I can bear. But it is very common and I think that the only reason why we keep staying in our own shells is that because we don't know how people will react to us. I know that feel me too when I am on public I feel that so.. recently i decided to go grocery shopping and i was stuck before the kids stuff... and couldn't move than my dh went to literally rescue me because I was just frozen thinking about all the lost things...

    xx

  • I totally get that. I found myself a few weeks ago in front of baby Halloween outfits and then panicked as I saw the shop assistant coming towards me. I think how you are feeling is 100% normal. You are grieving for your baby but also for all the hopes and dreams you had already for your child.

    The only thing that made me post my story was the MP who stood in parliament to raise awareness. I've felt utterly horrendous this year and thought if our story could help anyone then I should post it. I could never have been able to do that a few months ago let alone in Jan when it happened.

    A huge milestone for me was our baby's due date. My heart ached the entire day but I survived it.

    X

  • Oh my god.. please don't remind me of what is going to happen.. it would be my 20 week.. and I wish I forget but I know that I won't, I know that every new thing I will experience will be accompanied by this thought like my baby could've been there too.

    thank you so much! You did right posting your story online and even replying to others it is something I am very thankful for.

    I hope that with every day the pain gets smaller and smaller and eventually I will be able to breath

  • It will never disappear completely but I promise you will learn to cope with it and the rawness does get better. Take one day at a time.

  • I will... thank you.. it is a pleasure to meet someone who knows what you actually going through.

  • The ladies on here are wonderful. Reach out whenever you need to. Someone will always reply. x

  • I did exactly the same thing and even now I still tend to keep my distance from people...the getting by 1 minute at a time is now getting by and coping one day at a time nothing more nothing less.

    I took a step to have my cousin for a few hours and though painful it wasn't as bad as I thought.

    No baby will ever replace my first born baby boy, there isn't room for replacements just additions of his brother or sister or both.

    I know it wont be easy, there will be bumps and milestones but for us ladies on here we will reach our goals we just have to be patient more than other which isn't fair but it is our life.

  • Yes, you are so so right.. I hope that one day it’ll be better but not now unfortunately.

    I have decided that it’ll be fine if I opt for a kid but as for now it hasn’t been too long since… you know, I feel like you that it’ll be another baby and no one would ever manage to feel this empty space..

  • i don't think that escaping from work, communication, friends, etc, can help in this really really painful situation. imo, you should keep in contact with those you can rely on (best friend, mom, sister, whoever) and express what you feel. don't lock it inside. it wont do any good. i know that this pain is indescribable. but also remember that life continues and you have who to live for. as well as I believe there're people who live for you xxx

  • Thank you! This is very helpful i think i might start getting out of my shell and talk to people.

  • Oh my love, I'm so sorry to read your story. I just want to reassure you that what you're feeling is very common. Some days you will feel stronger and others you will feel like you can't face the world. I still have my bad days but now I feel like I can look forward again. Our miscarriage was in July. If you can seek help from a counselor I think you may find this helpful. Thinking of you and sending love. Be kind to yourself x x x

  • Thank you for stopping by I really appreciate your comment. It means so much to me.

    How are you right now, honey? It is so sad that there are so many of us dealing with such an awful thing...

  • I feel good. I feel more content than I have since it happened. It's taken time though and at the beginning of this month I'd started crying every day again. Now we have our second cycle booked early this year and egg collection will be the week commencing my original due date. I am hopeful that this is a good sign. Some days it's hard to look forward but keep going and don't beat yourself up thinking that you should be feeling differently. We all deal with it in different ways x x x

  • so.. you have decided that it is time? I mean, you have waited all those months..

    I feel so sad right now, your comments are really supportive but it makes me hearbroken reading how women suffer because of such tragedies.. and I don't even feel like exaggerating.

    Good luck, I am with you, I will be keeping my fingers crossed wishing you the best!!

  • Thank you so much nattarn. Yes I think we will be ready by the end of December when our treatment starts again. I think any sooner would be too soon for me but it's a personal choice.

    At some point you will feel strong enough to try again. You are right the ladies' stories on here are heartbreaking but it just shows how strong and how amazing we all are to go through what we do and can pick ourselves up and carry on.

    Wishing you lots of luck and love too - keep in touch x x x

  • thank you thank you a lot actually! I have been feeling better with each day after I started this thread, you are all so awesome and great, so supportive. I am very thankful no lies.

    Wish you the best. I won't even start thinking about starting the treatment in the nearest future but you have managed to encourage me to accept the thought of it.

    You too!! xo's

  • along with heartbreaking stories like yours, there're a lot of ladies here who prove that dreams finally come true - sooner or later. of course, dealing with infertility/miscarriages is not easy both for us, ladies, and for our second halves. but still lets hope for better, lest search the way out, possible medical/psychological help, treatments, etc. I'm sure evrythin will be well in your families, girls. if we want smth desperately, we will definitely get it. just believe

  • Thank you! It is very hard though when you don't get any prove that you are moving into the right direction or even worse when the life gives you only lemons and you can't deal with it..

    living with this emptiness and pain will be my punishment for the rest of my life and I don't think that anything will ever be as desirable to ma as to revive my lost baby..

  • you sound too depressed, hun. sorry (

    maybe you'd better visit a counselor. sometimes life gives you lemon, sometimes it seems that life is too cruel and you cant stand anymore. but there's always a way out. don't get yourself into corner. finally, think of those people who love you, your hubbie, parents. i'm sure it hurts them as well to see how much you suffer and blame yourself.

    and yes- TIME is finally the best remedy. i'm sure you will enjoy your mothering one day, but not now. don't give up. don't distress yourself. I wish i could help you. just say how. here's my posting full of sympathy to you.

    Chin up, hun!

    Night is the darkest before the dawn

  • Nattarn, i'm also concerned with your words. your life continues. try to recall all things you are living for. i know that your grieve knows no boundaries but if a new day has started for you, you have what to live for.

    you know, when they told me that I don't have uterus any longer after my first delivery, it seemd to me that the whole world ruined like a card house. despite of holding a baby of my own in my arms, I understood that I'm "not a woman anymore", or smth like that. I knew my dh wanted a babygirl so desperately. The happiest and the saddest day came all in one for me. finally, all my dearest people helped me survive this loss. and now I'm moving forward and making impossible possible: we signed up for surrogacy and our process starts soon. just remember that there's always a way

  • absoultely agree, rasteny. there's a drama before almost all stories here on this site. of course, you should have a time out just to cry it out, but don't hide yourself into a shell. just give yourself a chance for being happy. your vibes and energy also mean a lot. there are no dead ends.

    i just wanted to ask about your DH? how did he survive this loss? Does he support you or how?

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