Just so sad

I haven't written for a while and I'm not sure why I'm writing now other than to just share some of these awful, sad, hopeless feelings I'm feeling. Nothing major has happened recently with me. I had my failed cycle in August, I have just been trying to get on with life since then and work towards my FET which will happen around Easter time but I just feel so desperately sad. Infertility is so cruel and steals kind, loving people of their spark. I feel like my life is in limbo. I don't know what the future has in store and I'm terrified. I act like everything is just normal but actually my heart is so very sad and the awful thing is the only cure is the thing we can't have.

I had a lovely day out yesterday with my husband and friends who came to stay but out of the blue I just got so overwhelmed with sadness as we were surrounded by families and children. I hate that my life has become this horrible waiting game and that I am separating myself from my closest family and friends as it is too painful to see them with their young babies and kids. I know I will get over this bad patch and find a way to carry on and I really am sorry for the depressing post, I just feel so alone with these thoughts that writing them down does help.

I wish all you struggling like I am baby dust and magic for 2016 and hope your dreams manage to come true. And to you few lucky ladies who are expecting their much wanted babies I wish you happy and healthy pregnancies. Xxx ❤️

24 Replies

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  • Daisey-mae I can totally relate to your post, it is so difficult to remain positive on this journey, i am sorry your previous cycle failed and wish you every success on your FET. Its only a few months away and it will be here before you know it.

    Try and focus on that and believe that it will be your time.

    It will happen for you, fingers crossed its this time. Keep going it will be more than worth the heartache you feel just now.

    Much love, xxx

  • Thank you so much. I am quite positive most of the time and I'm hoping this dip will pass and I will be back to my positive self again soon. Thank you for the support and love, it really means a lot xx

  • Hello. Almost in tears reading this. Just had to reach out to you. I know exactly how you feel. I have been there. You are not alone in these feelings. And they are complelty normal and ok to feel. It's ok not to want to spend time with family members who have children. I did the same. Hopefuly yours understand. Just do what you feel happy to. And do stuff you like to do. Sending you lots and lots of love. Xxxxx

  • Thank you so much Piglet ❤️

    The good thing about this site is you really do know how I'm feeling and we can all be there for each other. Congratulations to you and I wish you nothing but happiness and health xxxx

  • I'm feeling similar at the moment. I feel useless getting back to normal after a failed cycle, just feel empty and going back to the gym and being able to have a drink just makes it worse because I don't want to get back to normal I want to be pregnant. I hate the fact we have to wait yet again to start FET not knowing what the outcome will be. I'm godmother to my friends baby in Feb and she asked if I'd booked the day off the next day as I can have a drink now.....as if that's a good thing to come out of it....when really I wanted to say how selfish are you. Also got accused of godparent duties wavering because i hadn't been to see him for 2 weeks. People don't understand it's nothing personal to them if you don't want to be surrounded by it all the time. It's cr@p but it's the way it is and you need to concentrate on doing what makes you feel better regardless of what other people think, you have enough stress without being in situations which upset you.

    There are days like this but also positive days when you need to think 'bring it on' if we've got this far we can do the rest and we will keep trying and not give up hope!! Xx

  • I can relate to this. Just try to remember that she's wrapped up in her LO and isn't considering your situation. I would book the next day off, but to give you ME time, to nurture yourself.

  • Oh gosh I totally feel for you and having added guilt about 'godparent' duties is certainly not what you need. We are sad and upset BUT we are strong and we will get through this one way or another. Let's hope 2016 will be our year and keep the faith. Sending you a virtual hug and I'm always here if you need someone to talk to xx

  • Hello

    I just read your post and had to reply. I once had a friend tell me to enjoy drinking alcohol, eating oysters (!), and having long lies as you can't do those things when you're pregnant/have a baby. All you want to do is scream as you would much rather be drinking soda and lime and getting up at 6am every day than trying to cope with infertility!

    But, I would say that I know being around babies is tough but I have one god child and when we were struggling and at our lowest ebb his smiles and cuddles always helped cheer me up and get me through! I hope when you're feeling a bit better that your godchild has the same effect on you as that little baby really did help me which makes me chuckle as he's clearly oblivious!

    Take care x

  • Hi Daisy Mae, I feel much the same, had our third fail in September and actually I managed quite well to trundle along for a few months but now also feel overwhelming sadness. I'm fed up of sitting around doing nothing because I haven't got any motivation and nothing really matters but it's also hard going back to normal after Christmas, which can be upsetting enough, to the same boring job with the same people, the same loss of a few pounds before the next cycle, the same routine. And you just want to be on your way to exciting times. But maybe we are. There were a few posts on here over Christmas that compared where they were last Christmas and it was so hopeful to hear a year ago they were in our position and this Christmas had a baby or were well on the way. Maybe that's us! And hopefully lots more on here. I suppose you never know what's round the corner and that keeps you going. It will be our time one day and hopefully soon. And one way or other this pain will become more bearable, hang in there xxx

  • Hi Maria-Louisa you have really lifted my heart and spirits with your message so thank you ❤️ You are right I have also read the inspiring posts about how much life can change in a year so let's hope this will be us and it is our time. I think the post Christmas down period is hard too, going back to work and nothing really has changed but we do need to imagine the best for ourselves and hope our dreams will come true. Sending you lots of love xxx

  • Hi daisy-Mae, I can really relate to your post too. The loss of sparkle, the longing and uncertainty and deep rooted sadness seems inherent to the process. On this journey we are not our usual selves but I agree with fingerscrossed4 - it's hope that keeps us going and there are so many success stories on here which gives me great hope. I often see people say to be kind to yourself and that is great advice. Christmas is time of great pressure to spend time with other kiddies and how ever much you love them, it can be challenging to say the least. So the new year has started and with the new comes hope and positivity - it's not only all we have to run on at times but it helps with wellbeing and they say it improves the odds! (I'm loving acupuncture at the moment) I wish you the very best for 2016 and hope that all of our dreams come true so that next festive season will be all about the bump! Take care xxx

  • Thank you so much for your lovely reply Helen and it has helped me to pull myself together and start being positive again. I think Christmas and New Year are amazing but like you say filled with pressure and it must have all got a bit much for me. But onwards and upwards and yes let's hope this will be our year. Looking forward to it all being about the bump!! Xxx

  • Hi, Daisy-Mae! I feel terrible sorrow for you! Sometimes it happens we cannot influence our life flow much. Except struggle for our desires!

    I've been married to a wonderful man for 10 years. Two of them we were trying to conceive but failed. Then we began searching the cause of our trouble. The reason turned out to be in me - severe endo with some complications. Willing to have less invasive attempts we tried IUI and ICSI first - with no result. After all, donor egg IVF became the final option for our treatment.

    God was good to us. From the third attempt we achieved our long-awaited pregnancy! That was our biggest life success!

    I'll pray dear God for you! He won't let you go alone with your problem! Once you'll undoubtedly be a loving-n-caring mother!

    Hug you strongly! xxx

  • Thank you so much for your reply and for your truly inspiring story. I feel like I am only at the start of this awful journey and then I hear stories from incredible women like you and you give me the strength to toughen up and carry on! Congratulations on your wonderful news and I wish you nothing but happiness for the future xxxxx

  • Hi Daisy-Mae, I just wanted to let you know you are definitely not alone, I am actually in tears reading your post as I feel the same in many ways although our circumstances are a little different.

    I understand that deep sadness that perhaps you've never known before but I think infertility and everything it involves can create feelings that are often overwhelming and alien.

    My husband and I are due to start IVF this month (starting suppressing in a couple of weeks) and while I am glad to be finally starting after most of last year being spent dealing with delays and being very much in limbo, I am now terrified too, of it not working and the 'then what' stuff.

    I was made redundant last year and it seemed like a good time to take a career break, as we knew IVF was coming up and I wanted to feel physically and mentally ready (my job was very stressful with a lot of responsibility)

    Unfortunately that has just meant that I know exactly how you feel about the waiting game aspect. I often don't recognise my life or myself sometimes for that matter, I have gone from being a fairly positive, go with the flow type to someone who is often down and very focused on the one thing that may never even happen. This is made worse for me by being at home and the feelings of being useless or not achieving anything on a day to day basis but I know I would feel overwhelmed if I was still in the same job at a time like this.

    I also know how you feel about others with their children or pregnancies, I am becoming less able to cope with that side of things.

    Sorry for going on about myself so much, I just wanted to reach out and let you know you're not alone. Have you previously had counselling? I have my first session this week, I just need to do something positive.

    I'm happy to chat on here if you ever wanted to, hope you feel better as the week goes on x

  • Dear Georgina, please never apologise for talking about yourself. This is what this forum is here for and it gives immense comfort to know not matter how awful we are feeling, there are other lovely ladies who can relate so we are not alone. You are at a critical time in your life too and I'm not surprised your mind is all over the place! And as for work I totally understand how you are feeling and you are split in two thinking how lucky you are to have time to yourself but at the same time your 'working' side of yourself is feeling restless and a bit useless! I'm a teacher so planned my IVF in the summer holidays which I thought would be fab as I could rest and have all the time in the world I needed, however in reality long days of just sitting and thinking don't really help matters as much as we would like! Just try to find some nice things to do, I loved the grown up colouring books and reading all the books that had been waiting by my bedside! I know it's easy to say it but try not to let your mid run away with you. Thank you for reaching out and please feel free to get in touch anytime you want to chat xxxxx

  • Thank you Daisy-Mae, I am going to try and reel my mind in as (rationally!) I know it's not helpful and doesn't achieve anything. I am starting counselling this week so hopefully that will help.

    I hope you feel a bit better today and things go really well for you with your next cycle, also that it comes round really fast

    Xx

  • Hey Daisy, I feel exactly the same. Hate the horrible sad empty feeling and loss of spark 😞 Ive had a couple of very low days myself lately. 5 of my friends from the same social uni circle had baby boys this year. I'm happy for them of course but find it extremely isolating and difficult to find my place in that circle anymore. Have distanced myself somewhat, particularly avoiding group situations. I have had 4 failed cycles, 2 fresh and 2 fet. One was an early miscarriage. It is so very hard but harder to let go of the dream of being a mummy. It's the uncertainty of the process which makes it so hard... Baby dust to everyone and hugs to those going through tough times! We must all be strong, amazing ladies to deal with this stuff and still be standing!!! xxxx 😘😘

  • You are an amazing strong lady and I am so sorry you have gone through such heartache. I don't think anyone else can understand this feeling and that's why I'm so incredibly grateful to you for reaching out to me and helping me through the dark times. I know we will keep going and find the strength from somewhere as the alternative is just too hard to think about. Thinking of you and hoping 2016 will be our year xxxxxx

  • And Fingerscrossed - I'm sure your friend means well but I hope you don't mind me saying that it sounds like she is being incredibly insensitive with the god parent duty comments.... Xxxx

  • Hello

    I don't really have anything to add to what the others have said. Just take care and be kind to yourself. This is an awful

    Journey and it feels dreadfully unfair hat anyone should have to go through it.

    x x x

  • Thank you hopeful xx

  • I found the waiting and being limbo land really hard, be kind to yourself.

    Surround yourself with kind friends who don't guilt trip you because you haven't been to see your god child for a couple of weeks. I feared I might find it difficult being around babies and children but it's been fine, the bit that gets me is seeing hubby with them as he's so good and we won't get to have that experience of being a family.

    At the beginning of our ICSI journey I was told to keep the faith and whilst it hasn't worked for us it might well work for you.

    Fingers crossed for your treatment.

  • Thanks for sharing this. It is very difficult to be around other families and children when you feel like this but it is such a private, personal pain. I struggle with it now but I'm getting better at being able to look to the future. I still hope that there is a baby in our future (and I know I'm super lucky as I already have a 17 yr old son) although sometimes it seems hopeless.

    I hope the feelings pass and you are able to get on with things, albeit in a limited way. I totally understand the limbo feeling and feel exactly like that a lot of the time. I've tried to move on and have other goals in my life to focus on but it still pulls you down from time to time.

    Good luck XX

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