6dp5dt, feeling just so incredibly sad - Fertility Network UK

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6dp5dt, feeling just so incredibly sad

LuxFleur profile image

I just feel so totally alone and sad. As other older women going through IVF and infertility have been saying on another post, it is just so incredibly isolating. I don't even talk to my family about any of this anymore, let alone friends. I just avoid people.

My husband was doing his usual TWW meltdown last week, and then we managed to have a nice weekend together and I tried to be there for him on father's day. It went well, we had a really nice special day. But then of course this morning he's back to his usual freak-out destructive behavior. I have had to set boundaries with him, and follow through with them. I have said that if he doesn't respect me, if he does certain things that I've said I won't tolerate, that he has to go spend a night somewhere else. So now he's gone, AGAIN, and I just feel absolutely horrible and sad and like I'm made of lead and cement. I managed to get out for a walk this evening, but I'm so gutted that he always makes things bad and hard in the TWW.

I haven't even told friends that I'm going through IVF again. Like I said I just avoid everyone.

12 Replies

Oh hon I’m thinking of you. I’m 41 in my 2ww and I know that feeling of just utter sadness. Our emotions are also all over the place and I know it can’t be easy on my husband either. He works away from home 4 days of the week so I’m left on my own with my own thoughts. We are living near his friends and because they are much younger most of them are pregnant. Just this weekend alone I have to spend it with 2 different couples both expecting in the next 2 months. Keep reading this forum. It helped me to deal with being so alone. You aren’t alone in this. So many of us are going through it and we get you completely. Big hugs x

Oh dear, I'm so sorry to hear this. Its such a tough process. Do you know why he acts up? Is it just the stress? I think you're doing the right thing by being clear with him that certain behaviour isn't helpful or ok 😭 You've got enough on your plate. It really is isolating. We've told almost nobody this time... I just can't face the pitying looks when people ask if it worked. I know they genuinely feel awful for me when it doesn't work, but almost literally everyone I know has kids and they'll never get it xx

AuroraXen profile image
AuroraXen in reply to AuroraXen

Ah sorry Lovely, just looked at your older posts and you explain more there about why he acts like this xx

LuxFleur profile image
LuxFleur in reply to AuroraXen

Thanks! Yeah, I think it's just emotionally overwhelming for him and he doesn't have enough tools to express himself yet. Sometimes he is better but then it gets messed up again. TWW is just a hard time.

Big hugs Luxfleur! 🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗 I am so sorry that you are feeling so sad and isolated. IVF has a way of torturing us in so many different ways: withdrawal from the world, stresses on our relationships, hope and despair in equal measure. It's a shocking roller-coaster! 😒

Feel what you need to feel because it is completely valid. None of this journey is fair and it's made so much worse by the insensitivity of others. Please do what you need to do to feel better during this time. There is no right or wrong way to do it - as long as it eases your emotional load.

I'm sorry that your husband isn't being the support that you need through the 2WW. May I ask why he flips out? Is he on board with IVF and finds it stressful or does he want to go down a different route? It's really hard if both partners want different things and are on different pages. 🙁 It's also really hard if both partners aren't communicating well during their stress. Does your clinic provide some counselling that you and hubby could attend? It may be of use. Otherwise I just hope that you get your sticky bean! Xxxx

LuxFleur profile image
LuxFleur in reply to Belangalo

Thank you! Yeah, he's on board with IVF, he's just extremely bad at handling his own emotions. When he feels scared or anxious he rarely just talks about it, but instead just starts acting really crazy. I'm trying to be understanding but I also have to take care of my own wellbeing too. No counseling at the clinic alas. We'll see if this embryo had what it takes! I like to describe this as the Ikea box stage—the embryo gets to unpack its box of genetic material parts and see if there is enough there to build anything. Xx

You've both been through a lot. Its important to be kind to yourselves. I avoided everyone too. I felt like nobody close to me understood how I was feeling or what I was going through. I felt utterly low on my last ec (2nd), transfer (8th) & tww but I'm 33 weeks now. Sending you lots of luck with your precious embryo xx

It is a really hard process, I have wanted children from as soon as I can remember. I was lucky to have found my now husband at 18 I am currently 23 about to be 24 and we have been trying since we were 20. I knew I had PCOS so it would take time but we didn't know until about 2 years ago that he had a really low sperm count. The process is so hard and I feel alone, my older sister who is 32 has the same issues but it is still so lonely. people/friends my age don't get it because they are not in the mind frame to have children just yet or have gotten pregnant by accident and everyone older than me just got pregnant so easily. It really had as people always say well get married so I did buy a house so I did get a good job so my husband did and he joints the Army with good pay and I have a decent job. but non of those things bring a child. I feel more depressed now as I have all the things it is more in my face that I'm missing a child. I am grateful for what I have it is just still lonely. People always tell me don't worry you have plenty of time but the thing is time is not promised and even if I did IVF cost money having all the time in the world will not give you money. People say you have women in their 40s that are doing the same thing as I should be happy I'm in a better position just by age but unfortunately life doesn't quite work that way.

I appreciate the thought behind the advice but it is absolutely the best thing for us to take space when things go bad between us. If only it were as simple as telling him what to do, love. I am extremely aware that it is better for a child if their parents get along lol. I'm 42 year old woman with a PhD, he's a uni lecturer, we're doing what we can. Of course we have talked about feelings and been to couples counseling. It's great though that your husband always helps you when you ask for it!

We do work things out, but taking space is part of that for us. Best of luck.

JoyfulStar profile image
JoyfulStar in reply to LuxFleur

I can totally relate to the space coping mechanism. My DH and I rarely argue but when we do, space helps calm things down. We stay in separate rooms in our apartment though and just avoid each other for a few hours or even days if it is really bad. I hope it all works out well with your 2WW and hubby. 🙏🏾

Thanks hon. We're abroad and only have a tiny one bedroom right now, so there isn't anywhere to escape to. Whatever it takes to get through!

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