Hi everybody. We had our DE cycle embryo transfer yesterday. Good quality embryo and all went well. Another good quality embryo for the freezer. But bit sad, as we started with 9 mature eggs collected, Sunday we had '4 doing well, 2 a bit dodgy' and then sadly left with just 2 embryos on transfer day. But very grateful for these two!
But feeling a bit all over the place emotionally... this is our sixth embryo transfer.. 4 with my elderly eggs, second go with a donor. But the first go with a donor was really a no-starter, we had day 6 blastocysts which were both awful quality. So, this really is our best chance so far. But I am finding it really hard to feel optimistic.. and am just feeling a bit depressed about the whole ivf/ttc saga at the moment!!! And it reminds me of previous cycles of having to get through this awful 2ww of feeling flat/pessimisistic then hopeful etc etc!!!
I also have so many worries about being age 45! I feel friends/family judge us enough as it is doing ivf, and am concerned if we are fortunate enough to be pregnant and have a baby, dealing with people not being overly supportive or judgemental. I also DO have worries how I will cope! I am lucky to have some very supportive friends however.. but I still feel that at some level they feel we are mad. And then I worry that we ARE mad and should have given up a long time ago.
We also have friends who have just adopted, and I feel guilty we didn't go that route.. but there were various reasons we felt not for us at this point.
And then background grief that I did not have a 'normal life' and have a family in my 20s/30s! Trying not to compare myself with friends who have children age 15 etc. Or younger friends popping out babies..
Life is not easy. Lots of love to all of you out there going through similar ups and downs! Sorry for a venting splurge! Thank you everyone for all the support I have had on this forum over the last few years. xx
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Coracle
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Thanks so much. Just saw that you are on your first round and waiting to for your OTD. Really hope you are successful. We have friends older than yourself, and first round they had bfp with just one fertilised egg. Keeping hopeful for you xx
Thanks - I am feeling really down today. I tested yesterday 9dp5dt and was hoping for a faint line....which I have never seen on a pregnancy test! I didn't respond massively to stimulation even though I have got quite ok egg reserves. Managed to get 2 embryos to 5 day - so fingers crossed.
Waiting is the worst! Will test again on Friday 12dp5dt.
Hi Coracle, this journey can be a difficult one, with so many ups and downs. Try not to focus on what others think (I know easier said than done), no one has the right to judge anyone unless they have walked in their shoes. Focus on you and your family and pay no attention to anyone else. Everyone has their own journey and takes their own path, whether that be ivf or adoption. But at the end of the day you should do what feels right for you.
Ahhh I missed your post, only saw your reply before! Can totally relate to what you are saying, I think the more you get knocked down the harder it is to find your positivity but its in there somehere.....! I do the same with my friends whose kids are all older and I wonder if Im getting too old but then I just think of the qualities that come with age that I have developed to raise kids. A few think Im off my head and think we could have great life (including MIL) without kids but they forget the joys of when they had their babies/little ones running around, especially when they're dealing with hormonal teens! Great news that you still have one in the freezer too!xx
Hello again! I can totally sympathise, we will be doing our second donor egg transfer next month after 4 failed attempts and a mmc with my rubbish eggs, thought the first donor one would work, but silly silly me!!
It is bloody exhausting, but you’re not mad. It is very easy for people to judge when they already have children, or don’t want them, they will never understand the pain, ups and downs and the crazy emotions that come with this rollercoaster. I’m not sure what the best thing to do on the 2ww as I seem to do something different every time! But writing and painting are my go to’s.
I wish you luck and I’m keeping my fingers crossed for a happy result, and basically sod everyone else!! Xxx
Bless your heart you only want what we all want and I am really hoping this time it works for you ! Those who truly love you will be behind you all the way x
I think you are entitled to have a 'venting splurge'. I'm nearly the same age, 2 failed with my own, 1 early mc, 1 failed with DE, and 2 FE - 2 transfers cancelled as my blood work has kept coming back poor.
Sat in the GP's the other day waiting for my blood tests, and I seriously started to think about why I was still putting my body through all this at 'nearly 45'. My health hasn't been wonderful anyhow - largely due to pain from Endometriosis every month, and fatigue from??? When I'm feeling wonderful I could imagine doing all those 'normal' maternal things - taking a child to the park, teaching them to ride a bike, painting a nursary or bedroom, going to the beach as a family and all those other things. When I met my current partner something just clicked inside and the maternal switch came on. I can't tell you how many times I have gone through the 'nesting phase'. Walking through John Lewis at baby things and young childrens toys - seeing young babies with their mum and thinking "I am sooooo ready to be a mum and do this". We've even discussed moving to a house so our baby (which we don't have, would have a garden to play in). All my friends either have children who are learning to drive, going to secondary school, or at least in primary school. I told the GP if it doesn't happen soon I'm giving up on the idea as it wouldn't be fair to a child. I am so torn and yet we keep trying.
We were told by both clinics that 'Donor Eggs' were the only way to go and almost sure to work. I think we started out with some amazing number like 22 and it's dwindled it's way down to 2 now. It's heartbreaking. I can't tell you how much I want this to work for you. I heard from 'Wowser' that she is pregnant so there's still some hope.
Everyone else thinks/assumes I have children, didn't want children, am selfish for leaving things so late and should also adopt as well. I don't think adoptions that easy.
Sending you best wishes, vibes and everything positive I can think of. xx
It's good to get it all out. There is so much to think about and so many conflicting emotions that come up through the various stages of infertility/IVF. Have you spoken to a counsellor? I did and I found that it gave me space to vent and it helped me to feel calmer throughout it all. Good luck with your 2ww. I hope it goes quickly although I know it probably won't (!), so try to keep yourself busy and do things that bring you joy. Wishing you lots and lots of luck xxx
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failed cryo embryo transfer 
Embryo transfer yesterday of 2 embryos 
cycle day 1! Frozen embryo transfer! 1 embryo.
DE Embryo FET - 2nd failed :( 
Transfer day - embryo on board 🙏
