Just having a moan about friends

I am feeling very down today, also anxious that we might not get a positive on Monday. Probably just finally hit by the reality of it all. I managed to glide along Ok since my FET on Friday,but now feel adrift and like Monday is so far away.

So last night I had invited two close friends to mine for a quiet wee girls night in. My best friend knows all about the IVF and she is only one of two people I have told. The other friend is someone I have become closer to in the past year and she had guessed that something was up although we hadn't had a chance to fully discuss it yet. So my intention was to tell my friend about the IVF, not all the details but the jist, and I also told my best friend that I would probably tell the friend during our wee night in. It didn't quite work out that way, as the new friend was really late arriving, then my husband came back from work, and worst of all my best friend treated us to all of her monologues at once, the worst being her story of the horrific birth she went through to have her daughter 15 years ago. She does have a habit for drama, and can be caring but tends to hog the conversation at times. So I felt like I couldn't get a word in edgewise and by 10pm I was too tired to summon up the energy to take charge of "my" dinner party.

Tbh by the end of her birth tale (which I have heard a million times already) I had no desire to open up about my painful IVF journey to anyone. In fact I felt extremely alone until they left and I could have a good cry to my husband. My best friend has actually been really supportive one to one, and she has had a bad week as she lost a friend and is grieving, so I know why she was just running off about her own stuff. But still, I felt so undermined. I just wanted some extra support, but now wish I hadn't even planned the evening.

I've decided to choose another time to speak to my new friend, maybe in a week or two, and it will juts be one to one. It really isn't like talking about any other issues, I just felt so raw about the whole thing it felt safer to stay silent rather than be upset by someone's lack of understanding. I doubt I'll get the understanding of any close friends or in fact anyone except my husband and you all on here, as we keep telling each other- People do not understand it unless they go through it. There in general seems to be lack of general knowledge of the IVF journey. I don't know what to do next, take one day at a time. I expect I'll feel stronger tomorrow, as I didn't sleep well after analysing all of last night.

Just a moan, it does help to write it all out. Thank god for this forum.

best wishes to you all, xxx

11 Replies

  • Hi Smallcat,

    You were obviously frustrated as you had an idea how things would work out last night and that's not how they went. Talking about the IVF journey is always difficult and sometimes we can't plan these things they just have to happen naturally. I'm sure you will have another opportunity to talk to your friend and she'll understand.

    I know you've been through the wait before and I'm certain it doesn't get any easier. Hang in there honey, you are doing really well and just stay positive. This journey consumes all of our thoughts, but sometimes it's not such a good thing. Try and keep yourself busy with something else today and treat yourself.

    Good luck, keeping everything crossed for you xxx

  • Thanks Angel2, Appreciate it. Yes, I suppose I was looking for a shoulder to cry on, but realised it wouldn't happen that night.

    Yes I think the thinking about it is wearing me down, just exhausted today and sore back still, and sore head too. Pretty sure they are not pregnancy symptoms though.

    Take care, xxx

  • Sending a big virtual hug smallcat! What a shame your night went the way it did. Perhaps it will be better that you speak to your new friend one to one that way you'll have no interruptions. It's so hard knowing what to do for the best with regards to telling people, I've told a couple of my closest friends and they are great to speak to but one just turns the conversation back round to her every time so I just keep it brief! Nobody understands the pain & heartache you go through. My friends did not realise how long it takes and all the things involved with trying for a baby with IVF. They just thought you went for an appointment one day and came away pregnant! Wish it was that easy!

    Work is the worst place for me at the moment as everybody talks about their kids and grandkids and in my job I am surrounded by babies/families, I keep telling myself I am not going to become a mummy bore and find other things to talk about when I've had mine! Ha!

    Not long till Monday now! Hope you sleep better tonight, best wishes take care xx

  • I keep saying that too about not being a mummy bore but I think we will deserve to be after all this!!xxx

  • Your right we so will deserve it! Xx

  • I kind of know what you mean, I told my two closest friends and for our nights in they keep discussing their pregnancies and birth stories, even talked about the date they conceived and to make them realise their insensitivity I said "I'll know exactly when I conceive" to which one replied "because your periods are so regular?" Err no because I'm having IVF!! I think it's mainly lack of knowledge about it so try and remember they're probably just trying to keep things normal around you. But there's a fine line between doing that and not being there as a friend. I haven't talked to mine about it so I'd be a hypocrite telling you to, but I suppose they won't realise until we do. I think with IVF it's better to confide in your husband and no one else will ever understand properly xxx

  • Sometimes the moment is lost, isn't it? A one-to-one, like you say, could be better anyway. No interruptions. But, at least you are able to confide in these people. I have no-one... just plodding along, I am.

  • Thanks everyone. I feel much better mentally this eve, although a physical wreck with backache and eye strain. The day also ended with being circled for ages by a very tiny dog, with a crap owner. Went from bad to ridiculous today!! I shdn't even be on the laptop really. The best friend texted and apologized about the birth story being insensitive, without my prompting. So she must have realised, so that made me feel a lot better. Also my other friend reached out and suggested we meet up again next week, my DH had sent her a wee message saying I was down. Bless him, I feel so lucky to have such a supportive partner, makes all the difference.

    Hepzibah, that's awful. You have us all on here to talk to. Is there no one you can confide in? I also found solace talking to my acupuncture therapist as a safe space to offload worries. xxx

  • I cant believe you told your best friend that you were going to tell your other friend about your ivf and then she decided to talk about herself all night. Just shows that she wasn't being her usual supportive self, she should've been more sympathetic towards you, it was your night and you specifically wanted to chat about your treatment. The fact that she's lost a friend recently isnt a valid excuse, she could've listened to you and supported you if she wanted to take her mind off things. Thank god your hubby was there to support you afterwards. * Just read your other message saying she apologised which I think was the right thing to do, at least she realised eh *

    You've got 4 more sleeps until OTD (I know every day feels like a week) but try and keep yourself busy and think nice thoughts. Have you got any meditation that you can do? You need to try to minimise the stress/worry and release those endorphins, your wee miracle could be relying on you right now. Stick on the comedy channel (I know you probably don't feel like it, but laughter is the best medicine).

    I swear to god I'm keeping everything crossed for you. I want a good result for you from GCRM, you totally deserve this after everything you've been through and waiting this long.

    Stay strong ;-) x x x

  • Thanks noodles_, Oh god you're right , it is only 4 sleeps! Seems like longer. And good idea on the comedy front, think I need a good laugh. xxx

  • I am sorry, it also happened to me, when I needed my friend's support and she complained instead. But oth my friend needed my support and I was intending to share my worries. Probably yr friend was relieved after yr party. And you are stronger and will manage to cope with with yr emotions and feeilings

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