Fertility Network UK
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New Year, New Friends?

One of my very best friends and her partner are currently punishing me for prioritising my own mental health and wellbeing over their pregnancy. She knows my entire journey and had always been quite supportive, in particular when it came to my guilt about not feeling able to be around other pregnant friends etc...until that pregnant friend happened to be her. She was very upset when she told me that she was pregnant, crying because she knew the pain that it would cause me, but then she immediately shoved her scan picture in my face and said that her first thought when she found out was "I work!" ...I mean, there are just no words for how much that broke me. But unfortunately, that's my mate for you. She tends not to think too much before she opens her mouth and although she would say that she'd been trying to get pregnant for ages and struggling and so she understands, the reality is she got pregnant naturally in the fairly normal timescales with no intervention whatsoever. She categorically does not understand.

What makes her pregnancy worse is that I should have been just three weeks ahead of her but I miscarried at 7w3d after our second transfer. Despite me trying to explain that her pregnancy is just too painful for me to be around she's taken it completely personally and has pretty much entirely withdrawn from me. I sent her a beautiful "you're going to be an amazing mummy" card a few months ago just to try and further explain how happy I am for her but that I have to heal in my own timeframe, not hers, I also commented how happy I am that she will never understand my pain. She sent a nice text in response but I've barely heard from her since.

I've tried to ask after the baby by text on the few occasions when I've felt I have had the strength to do so but I just get short replies and she never asks after me now. I've tried to tell her that all I wanted was for her to be sensitive and that I never asked for her to fall off the radar completely but I still never hear from her. I miscarried twins a few weeks ago and she's barely even acknowledged it let alone provided any support or love. I didn't even get a birthday card. Her partner has also completely ignored messages from my husband despite the fact that they were extremely close friends before all of this - which has enraged him given what we're going through. I just can't see that our friendship is ever going to survive and it's making me anxious.

I've had two other best girl friends get pregnant and have babies in the last 12 months and they handled my feelings perfectly - they didn't rub their pregnancies in my face, they let me lead conversations and only mentioned their pregnancies if I asked about them, they kept in touch with me about normal things and always checked in to see how I was doing and where I was on the IVF journey and they NEVER made me feel bad if I needed to prioritise myself or decided that I just couldn't see them or speak to them for a while.

Part of me feels like ending this other friendship completely now before I have to put myself through the awkwardness of the baby being born on both our parts but I genuinely don't think I'd be able to have a rational conversation with her either. I already know there's no way she will accept that she's done anything wrong and will end up just making me feel like I've been a terrible friend (despite the fact that given our situations I'm the one that's really needed the friend). We've been the closest of mates for 25 years but I'm just not sure I can stand it any longer.

Has anyone managed to salvage their close relationships despite them being so close to unravelling entirely?! xx

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She sounds like a crap friend and you're best without people like her in your life. The fact that she hasn't even bothered to acknowledge the miscarriage of your twins (I wasn't sure from your message, was that a second miscarriage?) just shows what a rotten and selfish person she is.

The fact you have since tried to explain how hearing her news was difficult and reached out with cards etc but she hasn't bothered back just shows you how she isn't willing to take any responsibility.

I had just had a failed cycle when my friend announced her second pregnancy. It was hard. I congratulated her then distanced myself alot. I know she felt it was all very abrupt on my part but she never gave up on me or refused to acknowledge that I needed her to be sensitive about the news and future updates. When I eventually got lucky on a future cycle we talked it all through, both of us taking responsibility for hurting one another. Now she is one of my biggest sources of advice. I can ask her any pregnancy issue and she's there and willing to help. Same with her baby 2, I've felt her joy and asked after her wellbeing. But the fact is we were both sensitive and we both apologised for how we'd dealt with everything.

Maybe reach out to your friend one last time. Lay your cards in the table and say exactly how you feel and how you want to move on. If she refuses to be a grown up about it and take some responsibility then maybe you do need new friends.

Good luck and I hope you can work it out. And I hope your little miracle is just around the corner!

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Haha the first sentence of that made me belly laugh.

Yes, it was our second miscarriage. Last year we had a failed fresh transfer, a miscarriage at 7w3d with our first FET and another miscarriage at around 8w2d. It’s been horrendous and makes her behaviour so much more hurtful.

Thanks for replying. It makes me feel better knowing that I’m not the only person in the world that sees it from my point of view. I’m scared to ask mutual friends in case they don’t get it either!! X

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I'm so sorry this is happening, it really isn't what you need right now. I've not quite got to this point myself, but my cousin also got pregnant in the normal timescales and she, while originally being a close comfort for me, has completely withdrawn since I organised her baby shower, which incidentally was 2 weeks after I lost our first and only previous pregnancy.

If I were in your position I don't think I'd bother explaining to her why you should no longer be friends. I would do as many horrible ex boyfriends have done and just withdraw myself from her. You don't need to be mean, you can congratulate her when the baby arrives, as you are a lovely person and that's what lovely people do, no matter how much it hurts us. She might began to miss you and try to mend things. Let her do that hard work, you've been doing the hard work to this point.

Look after yourself, and keep putting yourself first xx

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Thanks Jacqui. People really are unbelievable at times. I hope your cousin sees sense and you’re not too hurt by what she’s done.

I think you’re right, I’m going to try to just let go of my angst about it and leave all the balls in her court. The irony is, I have a lot of good friends whereas she doesn’t. I think I feel worse about that than anything, knowing that if I walk away she’s going to be fairly lonely, which is ridiculous when it’s her behaviour that’s making it that way. X

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It will definitely be your friend who will lose out by losing you. I really hope she realises how much she has hurt you and how much you have tried in spite of that. She is very lucky you have been so good to her to this point. Take comfort in your friends who do recognise how wonderful you are and what you're going through.

I'll reconnect with my cousin properly at some point I'm sure. Like you with your friend, I'm trying to acknowledge that she has her own things going on at the moment so I try not to take it personally, as hard as that can be at times. While I don't think she'll ever realise that she has hurt me, but I've probably hurt her too without realising it xx

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Oh Kerry. You need to be worrying about yourself not her feelings. You've been through an horrendous time over the last few months and any proper friend would completely understand this. You need to put your self first and maybe let things naturally take their course. I lost my best friend at the start of our journey. The circumstances were different but I decided to stop trying so hard with her as I needed to look after me not constantly worrying if she was ok and if I'd upset her. When I stopped making all the effort we never spoke again and that's nearly two years ago now. It hurt but I'm better for it now. Friendship should be equally balanced xxx

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You’re absolutely right, I know. More importantly though, I hope you’re ok Xxx

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I'm ok. Just having some time off work on my own as not had much chance to be on my own over Xmas and you have to put a brace face on so you don't spoil everyone's christmas! X

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Firstly so sorry for your losses and your going through this, to me she sounds like a rubbish friend who is pretty much a taker. Doesn’t seem like she wants to support you but is quite happy to keeping draining your energy. Please don’t fell bad or worry for how your feeling, you have done more than enough to try and explain your feelings to her and for her to not even acknowledge your heartbreaking miscarriage is disgusting.

I have a friend who distanced herself when she got pregnant and I realised I was better off without her however when her daughter was around 1 she got back in touch and apologised for her behaviour and we have become quite close again.

Maybe if you distance yourself a little but still congratulate her etc when the baby is born, she might begin to realise it takes 2 to have any sort of friendship, thinking of you xx

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Thanks lady. You too xxx

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I feel that in your position I would give up on pursuing friendship with this couple at the moment. No dramatic “this is the end of our friendship” conversations, just let it dwindle as they both seem to be doing. If it’s meant to be then the friendship will reignite after the baby arrives but if not then you’re better off without them. It sounds to me as though you have other more sensitive friends you could rely on x

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You’re right. That’s what I’m going to do. And I’m going to stop expending so much energy thinking about it all and getting worked up as well! Thanks Lizzie x

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So sorry to hear this and for your losses. I’m in a similar position as my best friend of 15 years just told me she didn’t want me in her life anymore as I make everything about me. I was her maid of honour this year and organised two hen dos, did a speech at her wedding etc and supported her through a really difficult time for many years. But when the tables were turned and it was me that needed help, she had no interest. It’s so painful but people just cannot understand what this journey is like and the lowest of the lows you can experience. You need to look after yourself and not have anything negative in your life at the moment so I would just take a step back and let it all breathe. Take care of you and know that so many of us have been through this, it’s not unusual for it to affect friendships and change relationships with those around you xx

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Wow, I’m so sorry your friend has treated you so badly when it sounds like you prioritised her so much even when she clearly didn’t deserve it. Maybe it’s true what they say: “the best thing about the worst time of your life is that you get to see everybody’s true colours.” I hope you’re ok xxx

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Absolutely. I have definitely seen who is truly worth having around through this journey. True friends realise that sometimes awful things happening in your life can make you a bit more self absorbed but understand why and know that underneath it all, you’re still the same person and want to help you come out the other side. I hope you can find some peace with your situation and move forward in a way that is right for you and your partner xx

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Hi Kezbag

Well, you have made more than enough effort! I just don’t think you can do anymore. The ball is in her court.

I personally would stop contacting her as it takes two to be friends and she’s being very selfish right now.

It is best to spend time on yourself and with people who will support you in life. Unfortunately, you do lose friends along the way and surprisingly sometimes when you too busy spending all your energy on people who do not deserve you, you might not be looking around at the others you can gain, that you never knew could be there for you!

She’s sucking the energy out of you right now and I would give her and yourself space. By not reaching out she may in fact make some effort herself and if she doesn’t then she really doesn’t deserve you anyway.

I’m sorry it’s hard to lose a friend that you clearly value, but sometimes you just cannot be the only one making an effort!

Spend this time on focusing on you and your relationship as you are the two people that matter the most in this trialling journey!

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I think everybody on here is right. I’m just going to try and breathe in and let it go and see what happens in the future. I’m pretty sure I can always take comfort in the fact I tried really hard to help her understand - if I failed at that and she doesn’t well then, that’s just not my problem. I’m more important for a change. Thanks for replying lady. I hope you’re doing well wherever you are on this horrendous journey xx

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Oh my goodness this has just made me well up with sadness, and confusion as to how anyone, especially a good friend who knows what you're going through, could be so insensitive, selfish and childish! I'm pretty sure you have made your mind up by now, but if it was me, I would be happy to distance myself from this person and spend time with the other friends who sound like 'real friends' xx Wishing you all the very best on your journey, and maybe in time your friend will realise how badly she has behaved, and come back to you with a heart-felt apology, but until that time, I wish you all the love and strength to concentrate on 'you'. Be kind to yourself xx

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Thanks Christie. I hope you’re well and life is being kind xx

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Sodry you are going through this. I had issues with a friend saying I should get on with life if I couldn't have kids. She has gone on to have a baby now but when she miscarried first time she said to me what if I can't have kids. It really hit me how she had totally devalued my situation. I think you have done more than enough in trying to make your friendship work. Unfortunately friends come and go and we see true colors. Thinking of you x

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