'Friends'

Sorry if this isn't the type of topic usually asked, I'm just really struggling with this.

Do your friends support you?

Do they just text and ask how you are?

My 'friends' NEVER do.

They both just had babies, one friend was told she couldn't have children, 8 years of no protection and she got pregnant by accident.

Out of everyone, she knows what I am going through, but she has her baby now and seems to forget, she never asks me how I am, she never texts me to ask how my surgeries went, a week after my big surgery I text her to see how she was because her dad had died a month ago and I kept asking how she was. She was only interested in the gossip of my diagnosis and then nothing.

I popped to Mallorca last week and was going to see her, told her I'd be in on Wednesday, she never bothered to tell me she was off sick that night.

I just feel that through the worst time of my life, would it hurt to text and ask how your friend is, who's whole world has fallen down?

Or am I being too sensitive and over reacting?

I make excuses for them, saying well they are busy with their babies, well her dad died, but she's always posting in Facebook...

Nobody asks me how I am with all this, apart from my fiancΓ©.

Thank you In Advance xx

16 Replies

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  • Oh Megan. I know how you feel. The only peoplen who ask me how in doing are husband; mother; mother-in-law; BFF who has been through it and another close friend who has shared a shitty time at home while I've been going through this.

    I just posted on Daisy32's post that I think until you've been through it or struggle yourself you've no idea... Other friends who know just seem so distant. I think it's a mixture of not really getting it and not really knowing what to say.

    Have you another friend you can ask for support from? Or could you ask this friend for more?

    Brave post btw. xx

  • Thank you for your reply, I read your reply to Daisy aswell, it was lovely. Unfortunately my friends are few and far between, they all have weddings, new jobs, travelling so I guess they are just too busy. My mum always says not everyone is as thoughtful as me! Thank you again, all the best on your journey! Xx

  • Very few people asked how things were going through treatment and even fewer since we've stopped treatment. My best friend fell pregnant as we were being told we needed treatment and she has been the most supportive person. Her pregnancy announcement really hit me hard as it was less than 2 weeks after our first BFN. She so wanted treatment to work for us and I know how much she wanted her baby.

    I think people don't understand the emotional as well as the physical effects of treatment and don't know what to day or fear saying something that might upset us. Infertility isn't something that is talked about openly. At least on here we have an idea of what others maybe feeling even though we have different stories.

    I'm going to start some counselling. Is this something that you might consider?

  • Thank you so much for your reply. It would be something I'd consider! All the best in your journey X

  • The beginning treatments, no one asked how we were doing. Just continued to give us unsolicited sex tips!

    It wasn't until just before egg collection on round 6 a friend (only sort of knew)turned up out of the blue. I had full blown flu and she vaguely remembered me saying I barely made the weigh in. She fed me nonstop despite my protests until egg collection. That round worked, despite only having 1 egg!

    Rounds 7and 8,I had no friends ask, unless I volunteered information. They both ended in early miscarriage. I was so sick, I had to call a friend over as I kept passing out and I had a small child at home. Hubby had meetings he couldn't miss.

    Funnily now, a friend has been calling me for advice. Her sister had to undergo several infertility treatments and was "turning into a total bitch". I pointed out that she had 4 children, and that while her sister loved them, she needed space to mourn. I reminded her of the sadness she had felt when she had a miscarriage between baby number 2 and 3. I told her to multiply the pain by 10. I asked her how she'd feel if she woke up with no children and the knowledge that her chances were really low. I told her how awful the drugs and procedures are and that long before you even get a BFP, you've lost all dignity with all the prodding, etc. She had a very different view of her sister and even though I had spoken very gently to her, she was crying. She told me it had never occurred to her.

    People don't really know what we are experiencing. I think some people are too scared to ask, even some of our close friends and family. I had 17 nieces and nephews long before we got 1! My siblings never asked after me. They didn't want to upset me. Unless I flat out said I needed to talk, no one asked.

  • Thank you so much for your reply! You really are a strong woman going through so many rounds, I'm happy it worked for you at last! In a way, it makes me feel better knowing it's not just me no one asks! X

  • Everything you say is so true. Even though I went through it to be an egg donor, I'd no idea what the receiving end was like. I watched my boss go through her first round last year, only to mc at 7 wks. I'm still grieving for my lost charge though she doesn't understand that. Now she's on round two and I'm terrified, no one who hasn't been through it or watched someone go through it can understand xx

  • I have same with 2 of my close friends have just had babies & I feel like they've forgotten that I'm still struggling.it hurts but I have to tell myself they r probably so consumed with their new happiness that there is no room to think of me.doesnt make it any easier though x

  • Oh and my mother in law asked me to help choosing a present for their only grandchild 2 days after my IVF failed, which couldn't have been any less hurtful if she tried!!!!

  • Thank your so much for your reply! I tell myself the same! 'Just busy with the baby' .

    That's really awful of her, truly insensitive! I'm so sorry it didn't work this time, all the best for the rest of your journey! X

  • none of my frens know that i m going through this treatment..two of my best frens r pregnant n i ask them about how they r...i dont bother if they dont ask me...but they do ask me....one of my best frens has a baby girl n suggests me many times to plan for a baby..c says c s worried bcz i m not planing for a baby... but c does not knw our reality...whn last time c suggested me to hav a baby , i almost cried n cut the phone...then i msged her not to ask me that question again..sometimes my family members ask me now i should plan for a baby...i just smile in reply..i know it s a difficult journey for al...n ur life partner would b the only person who knows everything n cares u a lot......n dont bother if somebody does care u....u also just leave them as they r....concern about urself n tc.

  • Thank you so much for your reply. Your words really are true at the end, I will think of myself and partner! Good luck in your journey!

  • I had a few problems with a bunch of women (who knew each other) and they didn't want to know about my journey and one by one they stopped seeing me - I take it now they just weren't the right people to be around.

    I don't get much support either and have tried to learn to just deal with it on my own but I guess you don't always miss what you haven't had. You have your fiance though so that is good (I'm doing this totally on my own)!

    You can always talk to us though on here or send me a message if you like x

  • It makes me so sad that all us women are dealing with this, with not much support, it's so heartbreaking.

    I'm so sorry you are going through this alone, I'm here if you ever need to talk also! X

    Some women really are just shitty people.

  • Yes - well they aren't worth our time are they.

    It takes a lot of courage and dedication to go through treatment and other people just won't understand but think they do because they haven't experienced it! x

  • Sadly what you've posted does seem to be the reality. I have one really good friend who I prob only see every couple of months and via text every couple of weeks. She has always been there for me through all my miscarriages and op. Shes now 24wks pregnant and when I found out she was I was over the moon for her and she too had struggled conceiving. I sent her a text message early on asking her still to be normal with me and still text/meet up as i've found other friends who've become pregnant and know my history feel like they suddenly can't see me and it breaks my heart, as makes me feel like i've got some horrible disease or something. I've never been bothered about any of my friends getting pregnant, more a feeling of thinking my lifes in limbo and everobe elses is moving on. That friend has been amazing and i'll always have alot of respect for her. I'd like to say only people who've been through it understand, but now know thats not true in all cases. I had one mate who'd also suffered recurrent miscarriages, then had ivf and ended up with twins from round 2. You would of thought her more than anyone would understand and show support. I work with her, so see her every day and shes never once asked how i'm getting on, evej after knowing my first round ended in chemical. I've realised now very few if any other than the odd close friend, husband/partner fully support you. In all honesty I get most of my support from the women on this site 😊 Its been a god send. We're all here for similiar reasons and to some degree have all joined to have the support of others in similar situations which says alot in itself. Its horrible realising others aren't there for you as you are for them. I've helped/supported so many friends through miscarriages. I'm always the first people contact when it happens, of which i'm more than happy to support and be there for them, but once in a while it would be so nice for some of them to stop for a minute and say 'how are you' but you soon realise not everyone thinks the same. Its all so hard isn't it, but have comfort knowing everyone on here will understand and feel the same xx

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