Siiiggghh friends : Hello, I've been... - Fertility Network UK

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Siiiggghh friends

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Hello, I've been hiding away a little bit since miscarriage but just wondered if anyone expirecnced this.

So went out for my friends birthday ( known her 20 years) she knows all about ivf journey ect. There was quiet a few other people out with us, friends but not close friends and haven't seen many of them for years .....

So we having a few drinks in the pub as you do and one of them came up to me and said how's the Ivf going ! I nearly choked on my drink and tried to skirt round the subject, she then went on to inform me as they do, you shoud just relax and it will happen and and all the normal comments you get ☹ about mirecle baby's .I'm not ashamed of my journey but I do like to think that the ones I've told would keep it between me and them, not blab it to every tom, dick and Harry like I think my close friend now has siiiiiggghhh I'm gutted and feel betraid .

I'm not a person who would confront someone normally and I don't know if I should say some thing to my close friend or just not talk to her about personal issues any more ☹.

21 Replies
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Hon, I'm so sorry this happened to you and so sorry to hear you had a miscarriage. People not going through this fertility rollercoaster have no idea how tough this is. I have recently realised that the main reason I don't like people sharing is that I am so out of control of my fertility that I feel should have the right to control who knows and who doesn't. I have told a lot of friends as well as work colleagues for covering work purposes but I expect them to not tell people, and I now ask them not to share, but I know people love to talk and I just cross my fingers they are respecting my wishes.

I also avoid confrontation... Do you think you could ask your friend to keep confidentiality over text or email? Then you can really think of how to ask her not to disclose to any more people and get someone else check what you say before you send it. It would probably make you feel better knowing that she is no longer telling people about your IVF.

Lots of hugs to you x

Edit: I re-read your post and saw you asked if anybody had experienced something like this. Yes!!!....

- First 2 or 3 years of ttc my mum shared it with a lot of her friends and family members, she just needed to chat. I was never mad at her as it wasn't gossip but I did ask her to stop sharing, took her a while to stop. She really thought pregnancy was just round the corner... How wrong was she!!!

- A friend told her husband (I know very common to do so and I normally assume friends will tell their husbands) But he has proceeded to ask us TWICE in social gatherings, in front of other people who don't know, how ttc is going. After the first time I thought it was a one off so didn't say anything, I nearly fainted when he asked us a couple of months later when we next saw them. Before we meet again I will ask him to please not ask in front of people, otherwise I now know he will probably do it again! The thought of having to ask him fills me with dread though, but I will have to!

- Another instance, not somebody I've told, so hopefully doesn't know, but she suspects (or somebody told her!) as she has told me she had problems ttc and gave me unsolicited ttc advice. At work when talking about babies with colleagues she outright asked me how old I was (I was 34). This was the day after my BFN for IVF cycle 2, so I was specifically not joining in the baby conversation, I just can't believe she asked me outright for my age, it was so obvious and her timing could not have been worse!

Lots of other smaller instances, people just love to know about other people's fertility!!!!

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in reply to Bumbo

Thank you for your reply, I think I will have to send her a message saying not to tell people, I've gone into great depth conversations with her about if we do donor egg and I have said there is only her and my parents know, but I now wonder if she has blabbed about this too.

I think every one loves to know cause the all think because they have had kids they are all experts at conceiving! Lol.

I'm sorry to hear you have had the same expirence, people just have no consideration.

It's my first day back to work today after miscarriage and I just know some one will ask are u pregnant? I will want to punch them straight on the nose lol

Xx

Jmaw
Jmaw
in reply to Hidden

Just don’t tell anyone you are using donor eggs next time. We used donor eggs were not planning on telling the child (can’t see why anyone would!) Only husband and I knew, but people knew about IVF treatment. It’s human nature I’m afraid, you tell one person, then they just tell one person etc, etc. Before you know it, everyone knows. Just tell your mum your trying with your own eggs next time. Also a bit like a driving test don’t tell her until AFTER it’s done next time. I myself have learned the hard way on several occasions!!! Good luck for future attempts lovely 😊

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Oh wow- I really feel for you. Having a baby whether through IVF or naturally is such a private thing. At the very least, if you know some people know then you can prepare yourself for the questions. I hate those patronising comments about relaxing.

It’s really a personal choice what you do. I don’t like confrontation either but I would be tempted to write an email to my friend and explain that I was hurt by the fact others seem to know about my journey and it was something that I wanted to keep to myself. I would take a couple of days to write it and leave it 24 hours before I send it. I think it’s important that your feelings are heard but whatever you feel is best for you (i may be transferring my own outrage as this has been one of my imagined scenarios) xxx

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in reply to Hidden

Thank you for your reply, i think your right I need to send a message, I need to know what's been said ect, I've gone into great detail of if we go through donor egg treatment ect I now need to know if that's been repeated, she was told there was only my parents and her that knew about donor egg so hopefully that hasn't been repeated.

Oh she even said would you not foster or adotpt, I think it was a good job of had a drink lol.

I will definatly take a few days to write email to make sure it's not a attack and I just want me message to get through xx

It’s so flipping annoying isn’t it when people share your story and they have no right too! If you had wanted to tell everyone you were having IVF then that was your choice, not hers.

My former boss did much the same thing to me 2 weeks ago. She was drunk on a night out and thought it was appropriate to ask me how I was getting on with ‘having a baby’. I had told her this is confidence as my boss and was fuming and walked away from the group. Had she not being made redundant very soon I would have been complaining at work as I was so angry!

If you don’t want to confront your friend then could you send her a message. I’d just say that you were surprised that other people knew about your IVF and I would appreciate if she could not share with anyone else.

It’s all so annoying, I hope you are ok xx

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in reply to Kyell2

Thank you for your reply.

It certainly is annoying I just feel so betrayed.

I think I will send her a message and say that it needs to be totally conferdential, but will also back off from giving her so much information. At least then I will feel back in control a little.

Wow I can't belive your boss did that to you, it's not like we choose to tell them as it's more out of we have to, i think id of still complained even though she is going.

Xx

I really feel for you. That's a horrible situation to be in and I'm not surprised you feel betrayed 😔 there's some good advice from the ladies above and would also recommend an email or text explaining how you feel. The last thing you need now is to be worrying about who else knows. I hope you sort things out x x x

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in reply to Drives

Thank you for your reply.

I am going to send her a message, I think it needs to be done for my own sanity, at least then I can find out who she has told ect and I don't get any more nasty surprises xx

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Oh this is so painful to read.

So sorry she betrayed your trust.

Hopefully you can make her understand that it has to be kept private from now on.

So upsetting for you xxx

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in reply to Hidden

Thank you for your reply.

It's so rubbish isn't it, no one should have to worry about close friends repeating things, hopefully a message will correct things. I think I will not give her so much information in future as well xx

I’m so sorry your friend has betrayed your confidence in this way and that you were faced with this situation in a social setting. I’m sure it probably took a lot for you to go out in the first place and that was all you needed! Hoping you can communicate this to your friend in some way and that she is more respectful of your right to privacy in future xx

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in reply to Dunla

Thank you, it certainly did take a lot for me to go out, I'd had a total melt down on afternoon before we went out, this is why I don't like to tell many people cause I actually say, don't ever ask me about treatment I will tell you when I'm ready as I wouldn't like some one innocently to ask and I flip or melt down.

Message is sent I'm awaiting reply.

Xx

Yes I've been here!🙋‍♀️ It's so bloody annoying let me tell you! I knew where it had come from & was pissed off then thought I might as well tell all my friends. However that kind of backfired cause everytime I see one they ask how it's going. I've kind of stopped talking about it at all now. Mainly as that's the only thing I seem to talk about now when I'm out and I really don't want to....I bloody well think about it enough without the "any news" question...."if I had any news then you'd soon bloody hear"!👊How stupid!

I think you defo need to say something so 1) You can make sure she stops oversharing your business. 2) That you feel safe she isn't blabbing about DE. You dont have to be brutal, just say that it's really private and nobody knows what position, dates etc their babies were conceived. I discussed the DE thing with my best friends but since starting with them I haven't told anyone....Ive just made out we were having a last go with my own, even my parents don't know. Leaves me to tell who if and when I want to or if anything even comes of it!!xx

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Thank you Cinderella5, it's so annoying our fertility journey is so interesting to others after all no one would ask people how the sex was going if someone was trying naturally. I always tell my friends never to ask me how treatment is going and I will tell them in my own time, I explain if they catch me on the wrong day then they could get their heads ripped off or have to deal with a blubbering mess! Up till now that's worked.

I think I will be telling my friend that we are reverting back to using my eggs and then at least I know she can't be telling people in future about DE treatment. As the last thing you want sprung on you is questions about DE when your not expecting it.

I've sent her a message explaining to her why we want to keep it private and only a select few know of our choice ect ect so will see how it goes from there.

How's your treatment going? I hope all is progressing well xx

Cinderella5
Cinderella5
in reply to Hidden

Awww Im glad that that you've messaged your friend. Hope she's taken it ok. Yes, I went back to we're just gonna give it a last cycle ans see how it goes! She wont know any better anyway. Transfer day today.....again! Heading to the clinic in around an hour so will update on how things go!xx

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in reply to Cinderella5

Good luck I have my fingers crossed for you xx

Glad you've messaged her. Some people are just insensitive without realising the implications.

I told work friends about my cycles as I felt they needed to know that I would be having time off & would not be 100% during that time (I'm a teacher) but didn't tell my main friends as I wanted to go out & have a break from it. It's so all-consuming that I loved it not being discussed so I can completely understand your frustration when you're then caught by surprise.

As you say, it's hard to know how you're going to react to the subject. We've had 3 rounds; 2 failed & 1 missed miscarriage last December. My brother & I were discussing my final cycle & when we would start & I just burst into tears! I'd been perfectly fine for 10 mins & then a 'bubble' of grief seemed to rise up! 😣 My family are incredibly supportive so it was fine but that would have been incredibly embarrassing for me if we had been out socially.

This journey is bloody tough & we deserve to enjoy social situations without having to worry about who knows our business & what they will say to us when we're out.

Let us know if your friend replies. I'm sure she just didn't get the significance of blabbing (though that's no justification for it!). Xx

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in reply to Clarence80

Didn't get much joy from friend she can't see what the issue is , siiiiiggghhh so will just not talk about it with her any more, my family are very supportive so it's not like I need that extra outlet.

Oh bless you, I think we don't realise how much these journeys take out of us, we are strong women but we also need a release on our emotions once in a while too.

I returned to work yesterday , we've tried to keep ivf / miscarriage as quiet as we can and to be fair everyone's been good, but I also think people jump to there own cloncusions too. One of the lads probably been nosey pulled his chair up to me and said " are you feeling better now?" I really wanted to scream at him feeling better .... you have no idea! However I kept my cool said yes and walked to the toilets and cried my eyes out, I'm sure people noticed but they just ignored it thankfully.

Xx

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in reply to Hidden

That’s really disappointing that she couldn’t understand your viewpoint. Maybe she might understand it better after a few days of reflection. It’s good that you have other support available to you. Sending you lots of hugs- you sound amazing to get through what you have been through xxx

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in reply to Hidden

Thank you, yes I suppose she might, but I've learnt a lesson as well now xx

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