Has anyone else not told their close ... - Fertility Network UK

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Has anyone else not told their close friends about starting ivf?

kirstyblue profile image

I start ivf in a couple weeks. Apart from my family, I have only told one friend and I only told her because she knows we have been trying for years and asked about it and I didn’t really know what to say so I told her. I felt okay once I told her because she’s a close friend and in some ways it was nice to share but I just feel very very private about it. I’m not ashamed, embarrassed or anything like it. I think it makes women very strong who put themselves through it. I just like to keep things private and my other half feels the same.

Anyone else being very secretive about it? How do you all feel about it? X

30 Replies

I was originally the same as you only telling my family and best friend and like you it wasn’t because of embarrassment it was more because I didn’t want the extra pressure of everyone knowing. The more cycles we’ve been through I have began to tell more people mainly because my mental health has suffered and I wanted people to understand there’s a reason behind it.

I think just do whatever you feel comfortable, there’s no right or wrong way xx

I’ve never been secretive about it. I can understand that it’s a personal choice though. The way I see it, we’ve definitely needed the support we’ve gotten and had we not been quite open about it we would have suffered in silence xx

Im very open about my journey and im actually making an itergram 4 ppl to follow my journey

kirstyblue profile image
kirstyblue in reply to Mrsplant

What’s your Instagram called? I would love to follow x

Mrsplant profile image
Mrsplant in reply to kirstyblue

Once its all set up tomoz i will post it on here.. im just getting all the pics ready at the moment xx

Mrsplant profile image
Mrsplant in reply to Mrsplant

My name is kpivfjourney

I can’t explain why I feel this way. I think it does add pressure and I want to be able to surprise people when the time comes..🤞

I understand what you mean Kirsty. The first round I told my mom and Sister and 3 best friends. I felt immense pressure because every other day they would ask me how I was feeling and tell me they know it had worked etc and all I needed was to rant. The second time we told no one and I felt soooo much better - no pressure but that failed cycle nearly broke me. This last cycle I’ve told my sister and 3 best friends that it’s happening but haven’t given them any dates to when etc so I don’t feel pressure as well. Like other says it’s a personal preference. Please do what’s best for you.

We have only told a few friends and only told them as they knew we were trying (I stupidly said at the start as i never knew it would be so hard) and it it was very hard to hide as I quit drinking. Otherwise we've not told family or other friends. It's nothing to be embarrassed about and I really admire women who can be open about it, but I didn't want to have to answer questions about it or have the added expectations

Being open about it is great as it helps women out there know they aren't alone but being open only works it the woman (or man) is happy with that. It's a very personal choice.

I sometimes wish I hadn't told anyone and other wish everyone knew so they'd stop making stupid comments.

We were completely secretive and I am so happy we were. Just told 2 very close friends and they were very supportive.

Family and other friends we didn't share.

I would do the same again.

I just wanted to share with my OH.


Hi Kirsty

I feel there is no right or wrong answer to this. I have been completely open with anyone that asks (apparently after you get married everyone asks when you are having a baby 🙄) which saves having to lie about not drinking at social events etc, but I found it extremely hard to deal with telling people we got a bfn. We have decided during our upcoming fet we were only going to tell a few select people. Do what feels right for you.

Good luck ❤️ xx

We’re about to start our 4th round and I’ve only told 4 close friends. My family don’t even know. It has really helped to be able to talk to my friends but I don’t want others to know because I just want to be able to become my ‘normal’ self and forget about it all with others. It would otherwise become the only thing that people talk about with me which would be exhausting. I also hate the thought of becoming the gossip of some.

I know it’s different for other people on this journey but I’ve always been a private person and not making it common knowledge actually helps me to feel it’s not completely taken over my life.

If we are ever blessed with a child, I will then be very honest about the journey and hopefully educate those with their unintentional hurtful comments about having children.

in reply to Lamorna80

Exactly how we felt xxx

How we felt too. Our test day was Christmas Eve so it would’ve ruined Christmas but because no one knew I could just be ‘normal’ for one day. And my brother announced him and his girlfriend were expecting and it would’ve have taken the shine off it for them...as difficult as it was for us! It’s how you deal with things isn’t it though because since then people asked how we even carried on with Christmas that year but it’s just how we coped.

I hate the unintentional comments about having children people really have no idea do they.

I made a little video of our journey because I think people underestimate how tough it is just because lots of people go through it.

Good luck xxx

I didn't tell my friends and family about it the first time coz i thought explaining the process would be exhausting.i was still dealing with the process myself. On later cycles I told amy Two friends and my sister who live in other countries .They kinda understood and didn't bombard me with a million questions .when my fourth cycle started I didn't tell anyone until I started showing and they were happy it worked. We all deal with the process differently.do what you feel is good for you. I'm almost due and most of my family don't even know about it. Good thing i live in another country and they don't get to see me often. I just cant deal with the million questions .Good luck with your cycle. Hope you get a,bfp

I’ve told everyone because it makes it easier to explain moods, time off work, walking like John Wayne after egg collection.. also limits the dreaded questions about “are you sure your not pregnant or when you two starting to try for a baby” Ive not gone into detail just said we are going through IVF and I’ve found people supportive. Xx

I definitely think personal choice, but I’ve done both...first time didn’t tell anyone and we got the excitement of announcing after the scan at 12 months, which I felt like we would’ve missed out on if everyone knew every stage. I then told everyone what we’d been through (one fail before our positive) and the injections etc. People were very understanding why we didn’t tell them...I didn’t even tel my mum.

I’m currently in my 2ww from FET and I’ve told lots of people. I’m getting messages every day asking how I’m feeling, when our test day is etc and I feel like it’s just too much pressure. Its all lovely and people don’t know what to say and sometimes it can be the worst thing to hear but they think they’re helping. For example a night out after my test day and my friend thinks “well at least if it doesn’t work you can have a drink” errrrm yes because that’s a silver lining!!!? My mum has been OTT saying I shouldn’t be driving?!!

I think it depends if you are an open person or not, I’m quite private and my boyfriend is very private so the less fussing the better for us, but if you feel like support from close friends and family would help then it might be better. Just be completely selfish and think about what you need and what would help you both, whatever you think will be the least stressful xxx good luck xxx

We haven’t told anybody so far about our struggles. We are still on early appointments to start IVF, but even when we actually start I don’t think we will tell.

Both our mums are very anxious people. My mum can’t sleep at night if I tell her that I have an headache or that somebody upset me at work!! She wouldn’t be able to handle if I told her.

I am the first of my friends to try for a baby. They are still partying and enjoying single life. I don’t think I would achieve anything by telling them, they wouldn’t understand...

So far this is our little secret. I believe it will always be this way.

Osayuwa profile image
Osayuwa in reply to CatDV


Hi Kirstyblue,

We start ivf tomorrow! I've been very open with friends about the fact we've been struggling to concieve (although the lack of pregnancy speaks for itself). But I feel differently about ivf, only telling our parents. I still feel quite angry that we even have to be doing this and all of my friends have had the choice of privacy and not telling anyone about it until 12 weeks..... I want that too! However, maybe I'll feel differently once I start. I have a hen do coming up and other events, so they'll all probably guess something is up anyway when they see I'm not drinking and I don't want /can't lie to my friends, especially when all they'll want to do is support me. Good luck with your journey! Xxx

I have learnt to keep matters like this very private between just you and you DH.

I am not telling anyone, the pregnancy would announce itself at the right time but only myself and my DH knows it's and IVF.

Hi, we are exactly the same boat. Our parents and my sisters know and my best friend. I feel nervous about telling work but had no choice on Friday as my boss wanted me to go to one of our offices in Mexico and I panicked (Zika virus, injections on flight ect) so I told him. Due to see him tomorrow to talk about it - feel a tad nervous.

As for everyone else it hasn’t come up and they don’t need to know yet, it might change - I think for me it’s the questions and having to tell them if it hasn’t worked. I think there is no right or wrong way, just whatever feels ok to you. Best to take each day as it comes. All the best with your cycle xxx

Hi you need to do what is best for you.

I was open about our IVF to friends and family and had 2 failed cycles.

When I had my 3rd cycle we decided not to tell anyone as we didn't want the added pressure or lots of questions. I had to tell work but asked them to keep it confidential I only told the manager's who needed to know. I got a positive pregnancy test. Only close family my mum, dad, sister and father in law know and the only reason they know is because I thought at 6 weeks I was having a miscarriage. I was at mums at the time. I am planning to tell people after the 1st trimester.

I think it's up to you and your other half. The process can be stressful and you should do what you want.

I wish you all the best in this journey.

It's purely a personal decision. I felt both at times. One half of me saying it's ok for friends of mine to know. another one- I shouldn't. But it was always easier for me to hide behind the screen when sharing things. I suppose our ivf#1 looked much more secretive than other shots. I believe it's natural at least for #1 to avoid more stress of judgements. So was in my case. After the failed att we were doing a bunch of research on abroad clinics where we could opt for donor egg. I remember most of surrounding kept on saying it was a bad idea and so on. This was getting on me so much. I really doubted they all had to know about our strugglings. Furthermore there turned to be not so many compassionate people around as was expected. Once I told my GYN we had trouble ttc, she said:'' you must have thought about it 5 years ago!'' I was crushed, my dreams ruined and this sweet honey says it's my fault--believe it or no, but it's a huge luck to have understanding people around..Wishing you and everyone here all the best of luck and support with their journeys!

My account is open now kpivfjourney

I tried but it’s really difficult, I think going through ivf/ivm secretly is impossible for me. I get 5 days full pay - so I thought rather than use my holiday I’ll just tell them about it. It’s also really hard for my husband as he’s in charge and he can’t just take time off spontaneously. For those that do it in secret, I need tips xx

I think it’s totally your decision who you wish to share this information with. I have spoken to a number of close friends and family about having IVF. It helped me to have someone to talk to about it. It sort of normalised it a bit. Wishing you the very best of luck with your upcoming cycle xx

I also told as few people in my close circles as i could get away with.

I have total respect for those who take a very open approach; such great strength and each to their own in how they go through the journey, but I wanted to keep it under the radar.

My DH was awesome, he was my go to for worries or general wittering...

I did share a bit with you wonderful ladies 🙄😁 as a great support network when I could find people going through the same thing

I decided to tell my parents after the fact of our 1st attempt as I wanted them to know, but didn't want too much attention about it.

Whatever works for you Kirsty! Here's hoping for you Xx

My daughter is very open about it because that’s the way she deals with it. She has actually done a blog on fb about her journey xx

I actually posted a similar post a few weeks ago. We told a lot of people during our first cycle. We are about to start next cycle and I decided not to tell anyone. I just felt sometimes that some people kind of enjoyed a bit of excitement that their friend is going through something, some people didn’t know what to say, some said wrong things. Unfortunately my husband decided to tell his mother who always makes strange comments that maybe I’m taking to many supplements or my diet is too healthy so not too happy about it. I think a lot depends on your relationships. My entire family live in a different country and friends I have here are more acquaintances than very close friends so I hope this approach will work out better this time for me. The support is massively needed but people tend to upset me more than support me so I have made my decision. I can always change my mind during the process. Good luck with your decision x

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