Guilt of only having 1 child (Born via ICSI) So grateful but sad for my child.

[Siennabarbararose]

So after a 7 year struggle & 3 mmc I finally gave birth to my darling daughter after our first round of IVF. I appreciate how blessed I am & she is more than enough for me. Love her more than life itself. I'm 43 now so know my chances of IVF success would be slim ( husband is against DE big time) but she just turned one & I can't help feeling so bad she can't have a sibling. Not so much now as she has so many loving people around her but in the future when I'm not around. How do you deal with this feeling like I'm failing her?

[anonmous23]

Congrats hun did you go through the donor egg route? Congrats again

[Tiddly1984 in reply to anonmous23]

Hey, she mentioned her husband is against donor eggs.

[anonmous23 in reply to Tiddly1984]

Sorry Tiddly I should have read the message properly. My heads everywhere because im abroad and all failed with me only 2 follicles and 1 egg but grade 3 which os very poor and bad so had to just get rid of. Im so upset turning 40 soon and no eggs left that are good anymore.

[Tiddly1984 in reply to anonmous23]

No need to apologise at all. Absolutely none. Also, really sorry to hear about your eggs. I know it can be heart breaking. Have you considered another cycle? Donor eggs are also an option for some but I know how big a decision that is. I wish you the best of futures...x

[anonmous23 in reply to Tiddly1984]

I have clearly been told by doctors my amh is low low nothing left and im 39 so it wont get any better.

Donor egg is a hard decision but i dont have any other choice if i let my ego take over then that means never been a mother. Ok my child wont have my dna every everything else they will. I just have to get use to the idea. Heads all ovwr the place.

[Tiddly1984 in reply to anonmous23]

Really sorry to hear that. It’s such a hard thing to be told.

I think donor eggs is definitely something you would have to be comfortable with but I think being a parent has so much more to do with an individual’s capacity to love a child and to commit to being there for them selflessly, whilst being willing to make sacrifices that are in their best interest. It’s about so much more than DNA. If you can truly see passed DNA, know that in return a child will love you unconditionally and you will likely be blessed with so much in return. Love really does transcends DNA. I also believe that once you carry that child for 9 months chances are it will feel like your own, but again it’s a big decision and only you and your partner will know what’s best. Whatever your choices I hope you find your peace and happiness...x

[LunaLovegood11]

Hey there, I’m going to say don’t worry about this. I was an only child as my parents couldn’t have any more after having me. I honestly didn’t mind at all and ended up being great at making friends and being very independent.

We are hoping that this one works out just fine (I’m 10 weeks today) but agreed before we even started trying that we’d only have one. Our ages, finances, logistics etc... My partner is 1 of 3 and siblings don’t make for a supportive family.

It’s always been the norm to have more, but I grew up happy and hope to pass the same on to mine xx

[LKT1]

I think as long as you love them and encourage them to play with other children at groups etc they will develop the skills they need to make great friends. I know I have friends for life who are far closer to me than my sister. If it is really important to you have you considered looking into adoption? I’m 23 weeks via ivf but can’t afford further rounds in the future and suffered badly during early pregnancy so we are going to look into possibility of adoption. Obviously this isn’t for everyone though. But as long as you love your little one and encourage them to love and understand others they will never find themselves alone xxx

[emmab178]

Hi.

We also have a daughter via icsi. I think with being a mum you get guilt if you do and guilt if you don't. One thing is for sure, if she had a sibling you would feel guilty that you can't tend to them both and someone always loses out. Just got to learn to live with the mum guilt. Going to get it at every turn and then as women we love to beat ourselves up about everything

[SharlyWarly]

I know how you feel. We've just had our last stimulated IVF which failed, despite one good embryo being implanted I'm 42 my partner 58 and we have a daughter of 2 who is wonderful. I've always wanted her to have siblings, not only because of us dying and her being left alone but also the (possibly) years of looking after us before we finally shuffle off. Her dad will get old and she will have to deal with that and that will be followed by me - not nice for an only child to deal with. I raised the idea of DE and also natural IVF with partner on Saturday and he was really against it. He is exhausted and wants us to just live our lives. We have no funds and would be asking my mum if she would be willing to fund (again!!), I don't know if she will agree and I also have to convince my partner too. Don't know what to do either, so sorry I don't have an answer for you but just wanted to let you know there are others in the same boat as you. Feel free to pm if you need someone to talk to

[anonmous23]

So sorry I should have read ypur message properly rather than asking did you go through donor egg route. My 3rd attempt has failed with trying to use my egg so have been told donor egg is the only route. My husband was against it to but omce explained to us he felt more comfortable. Yes 50 per cent genetics will be donor which is dna but everything else is yours. Inside your body your blood your feelings behaviour all. Its not odeal for us bit we dont have a choice and i want to be a mum as long as its inside me for the 9 months then thats all I want amd i have to let my pride go.

[mary77777]

I know how you feel. I am 40 and have a 7 week old born after my first IVF round. I started a few weeks ago (after my baby was born) having thoughts about possibly having a second child. I still have a frozen embryo, but I don't know if I will be so lucky for it to work (and be healthy; I have microdeletions and the embryo is not tested). It seems so easy at least to try. I don't have a known infertility diagnosis, so it could potentially also work naturally. Having another IVF cycle would be too expensive at this stage.

Anyhow, I would need to wait another year before trying and it won't be easy having a newborn and a toddler, and then 2 kids to raise.

My partner is against it, considering also finances (including long term) and age.

I am (almost) an only child. My parents divorced and I lived with my mother. My father remarried and I have a brother, but due to the age gap (16 years) and distance, we are not close. My partner has a brother, but his mother had limited finances (her parents had 5 children and both husbands died). Agree that even if there are no siblings or other close relatives of similar age, having friends is important, so the potential emptyness of having no sibling could be at least partially filled.

I know I am already incredibly lucky to have a healthy boy after only one IVF round.

Will see what the future holds.

[ChrisChros]

I also feel guilty sometimes that our 6 year old daughter will probably not have a sibling. Also because she asks after one but we cannot give her one. Due to age we are talking about DE but unsure if we should go down that road as we have already our daughter (received naturally). And we are exhausted after trying for 5 years for a second one including several ivf attempts, operations and mmc’s. At the moment we are having a break (until we have decided what to do) from the whole ivf process and enjoying life more than during the ivf process. My husband has no siblings and was/is fine with that, I have a brother but we are not close. I agree what others said, sometimes you can be closer with friends than your relatives. Our daughter makes friends easily and is a very happy child, so I hope she will be fine in the future when she will most likely not have a sibling. And always remember, it’s not your fault that you struggle to get pregnant, so please don’t feel guilty 🤗. This is what I tell myself. Xx