Best friend pregnant

Hi I've not posted here for a while and am just getting ready to start a second cycle of IVF. I've managed to stay fairly sane recently and then yesterday I got a call from my best friend who is pregnant after only 3 months of trying at 35.

I really am so happy for her and her husband, but it's so hard when this cuts into you and then you feel guilty about feeling so shit. We've been TTC for 2 and a half years and I've really tried so hard to be healthy, cutting out booze, eating healthily, taking vitamins and herbs, while she just stopped smoking about a month ago and has been boozing up til the last hurdle.

How have other people handled this? It really makes me angry all this recent publicity about fertility declining in our 30s because every single person I know who's had a baby in the last couple of years while I've been TTC has been aged 35-40 and not one has had a problem except one woman who, like me had major abdo surgery then had to have IVF. The rest have just popped them out no problem and most of them spent the previous decade caining it with drugs and binge drinking every weekend. Rant over!

13 Replies

  • Hi BluChakra, sorry to hear you're going through this. These things tend to happen just when you feel you're in the right place don't they? It's such a slap in the face when people get pregnant without even trying, while after our best efforts and a healthy diet we get nowhere. I remember being out on a shopping trip with my husband feeling absolutely fine, and getting a notification that one of my (very overweight) friends was pregnant with her second - it completely derailed me for a good week or two. Just the other week I saw another friend of mine who is pregnant and, while I already knew this beforehand, she'd saved the big news to tell me in person - it's twins. It's awful but that just felt like a jackhammer hitting me right in the stomach. I couldn't even feign the excitement everyone else was showing, a quiet "congratulations, that's great" was all I could muster and I think she felt a bit deflated by that. It just really, really hurts.

    I'm completely with you on the publicity about women's fertility declining with age. In fact it's not just the media, it's completely ingrained in society's perspective of women. It's as if we walk around with a time stamp on our heads like eggs in a carton and that's the only factor people consider in judging our fertility. A girl at work even asked me the other week if I was worried my biological clock was running out - I'll bet you nobody's asked my husband that. How can people think it's ok to ask someone that and then in the same breath tell you to just relax?

    I'm sorry this has happened right when you're getting ready to start your second round. In a way it's a good thing you know now as opposed to being told right in the middle of it. Surround yourself with positive influences and don't feel guilty for feeling shit at all, it's completely natural and those who are worth the time as friends will understand that. All the best of luck x

  • I feel your pain. On our way to the fertility appointment i get a text from my best friend telling me she was at the hospital in labor. later that evening having found out we are very likely to conceive naturally a baby boy was announced.

    It is an odd horrible feeling being pleased in one way but so upset in another. (for the record shes the same age as me 37 and tried for 4 months)

    Anyway just wanted to say I know how your feel, just keep fingers crossed things work for us as well xx

  • My younger sister recently announced she was pregnant - and in as much as I was happy for her, a part of me screamed in sadness as I have been trying for years with no success. And then that same week, my acupuncturist, who I was being very honest and open with, announced she was pregnant as well, in effect putting me off acupuncture altogether. Those 2 weeks were hell for me too, following that. All I can say is, don't feel guilty about feeling the way you do. We have enough on our plates without guilt. It's normal to feel this way, we are only human after all - and it will pass. Surround yourself with things that make you happy, and hopefully we will find ourselves happy soon. Lots of warm wishes.

  • I had the same thing happen and decided to be honest with my friend. I emailed her and told her how pleased I was for her, but at the moment I struggled with being around pregnancy and seeing other peoples success in the light of my own struggle. I explained what I needed from her, and what I was able to give back, and that none of how I was feeling was personal towards her or should be seen as a lack of support or happiness for her news.

    For me this was the right thing to do and my friend totally understood.

  • Oh Bluchakra, I know exactly how you feel. Life is terribly unfair at times. I remember when I used to be so excited when friends announced they were expecting. I would be full of questions and chat. Now I just say "congratulations, when are you due" and move on! I feel sad that I can no longer muster the same level of enthusiasm.

    When we had just been referred to a fertility clinic and were struggling to get our head around it all my BIL and his wife announced they were pregnant after a month or two of trying. It was incredibly painful. They knew our situation but couldn't grasp how difficult it was for us so they were incredibly insensitive.

    I also agree about the media reporting of fertility and age. I read something recently which suggested women waiting to have babies was creating a burden on the NHS because of the increased need for IVF! It totally neglects the fact that one of the reasons women (like me) are ttc in their 30's is that they hadn't met anyone to have babies with in their 20's!!!

  • Like eveyone has already said I hear you sister. Everybody I've ever known has had a bloody baby. I remember being a bit smug when we first started to try as only a couple of friends had babies then. Roll on 3 years I'm not so smug now. I have friends who have met blokes and had babies since I started trying. Women at work are back from maternity leave after having their second since I started trying. I have one friend who hasn't had a baby and that is because she doesn't want any, but I am just waiting for her to tell me OMG I'm pregnant how did that happen.

    An as for that female fertility consultant stating the bleeding obvious yes hello we know our fertility decreases with age thanks for the guilt trip lady. As for the extra burden on the NHS, well while we're not having babies we are busy working and paying our taxes so burden I don't think so.

    Sorry rant to over, just wanted to add my moan x

  • It's really hard. My friend (same age as me 41) told me she was 13 weeks pregnant less than 2 weeks after our first failed ICSI. Whilst I was delighted for her I found it really hard, she got pregnant as we were being told we needed ICSI. Baby has been born recently and whilst I was fine when I held baby it was very difficult when I saw hubby holding baby.

    I know several ladies who have had babies over the age of 40 with no problems. We would have had problems 10 or 20 years ago (yes we've been together a very long time) but of course my age isn't helping!

    I don't think there's any magic answer to coping. I've probably spent more time with friends without children or with older children. I find it difficult when there are babies around but try not to let it show to their parents. It's not their fault but it does seem unfair that lots of people don't seem to have any problems getting pregnant or lead unhealthy lifestyles.

    Thinking of you.

  • Thank you so much all of you for your kind replies. It really means so much when I'm feeling so fragile and when I told my mum tonight about my friend's pregnancy she just sounded delighted and said "oh she must be thrilled!" barely even asking me how I felt about the Prostap injection I'm having this Thursday.

    I did text my friend the next day apologising in case I had seemed weird and explained how hard I was finding this and she does totally understand. She has been behind me all the way with the IVF and understands all the health problems I've had in the last few years including 2 major operations and sepsis, visiting me and making sure I was OK when other so called friends barely sent a card. I'm also glad she did tell me before I started IVF as hearing half way through or worse still, just after it failing would be worse.

    Yeah you really do have to laugh about the whole Geeta Nargund ferility 'education' thing. It got me so riled I wrote to the Scottish Metro and got the headline letter printed! The gist of my letter was that all the media stories talk about women 'deciding' when to have babies and women 'delaying' having children as though men have no part in this. I said that I'd never met any men when I was in my 20s who were remotely interested in having kids and most people can't even begin to think about getting a mortgage until well into their 30s and while knowledge about the human body can be power, it cant change society.

    When I was chatting to my pregnant friend about it we both agreed that the prevailing culture among many middle class young adults isto pour scorn on people having children 'young' (i.e late 20s or early 30s) seeing them as lacking imagination, closed minded, work shy or even or complete saddos and women who pressure their boyfriends to have a baby , even in their 30s, as mad harpies wielding a ball and chain.

    You might like to read this article I found via Twitter from Dee Armstrong who runs a fertility clinic which is one of very few that actually gives a sensible perspective on the whole situation, talking about her own anxiety about not meeting someone until her mid 30s:

    Anyhow, thanks again guys for all your support and giving me the chance to vent. Wishing you all the very best of luck xxx

  • Bluchakra, my mum really doesn't get it either. She has no idea how painful these things are. In fact, I can tell she thinks I'm exaggerating just how difficult it all is!

    Well done about your letter in the Scottish Metro! I was actually thinking about your post last night and the fact that men don't seem to get and criticism for women having children later in life so I'm glad you raised the point!

    Hope your feeling a bit better today. It sounds like your pregnant friend is a good friend. Not everyone 'gets it'.

    Best of luck with your treatment x

  • I am feeling your pain as mine is. Inside I scream, but nobody hears me. Stay positive and know that you are not alone in this underbelly of heartache and misery. Keep talking...

  • I know that feeling its so unfair I wonder why we others have the luck.

    It is hard to be happy for others when it hurts deep down.

    I hope you an fulfil your dream xxxx

  • Hepzibah you should try screaming out loud sometimes and keep talking too. If we don't talk no one will hear our points of view and all the sadness will be trapped inside. I know many people don't like sharing this journey with others, but if we keep hiding infertility there will always be stigma attached to it and people will never understand what we're going through xxx

  • I know this situation cam be heart wrenching. I have been there myself. In the 4.5 years we have been trying to conceive a lot of babies have been conceived, born, celebrated 1st 2nd and 3rd birthday's.

    My best friend and I found out we were ttc together for the 1st time and we found it so exciting we could be baby buddies too... her daughter is now 3.5 years old. I have been nothing but happy for her outwardly and supported her through her pregnancy and am very close with her daughter. This kind of situation can make or break friends. I understand it constantly reminds you of something you want so desperately but do not have, however you cannot let that affect your friendship.

    I do not believe anybody not going through fertility treatment understands how hard it is.

    Stay strong. I know you must be because any wan going on this journey is!

    I wish you so much luck with your treatment. You deserve a bfp xxx

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