Advice on how to cope with 2 best friends being pregnant and maintain a friendship

[Tryingtostaycalm]

Looking for abit of advice here ladies. My 2 best friends are pregnant (they planned their first pregnancy) and now their second - wouldn’t it be wonderful to do that?!

When the second one announced her pregnancy, it was 8 days after my failed ICSI cycle and it really stung and is still stinging. Whilst I’m happy for them, I can’t seem to stop it bothering me and I hate the feeling of anxiety when one of them messages/calls etc. as I’m worried of the baby talk.

Abit about me; I have a little boy from IVF and we are so grateful for him but we have had a hard couple years with 2 failed FETs and a recent failed ICSI.

Whilst I have tried to be a good friend and congratulated them, attended a surprise lockdown garden celebrations my natural reaction has been to revert internally and ignore calls/ messages as I know there will be conversations on morning sickness etc. I don’t want to lose a friendship over this and have been honest with them that we aren’t having the easiest time to conceive (but not mentioned IVF). But I’m looking for advice as I’m finding it really hard to maintain a close friendship and be around their baby chat. I’ve had 4 other friends give birth (or due to) to their second babies and a sister in law who is having her 4th so I feel like I’m getting used to reverting internally but not sure it’s entirely healthy for me as I’m such a sociable person.

[Kseye]

Sorry to hear all this. Sounds like it’s one thing after another for you. I try to remain positive with friends pregnancies but it does get harder. I have lost one friendship over it all. I had been open with her that we were doing IVF and she said her and her partner weren’t bothered and weren’t even trying. Next thing she calls me up and says they are pregnant and that they had been trying for a year. It wasn’t that she was pregnant that annoyed me it was the way she handled it all. Basis of the story is that you got to protect yourself and I just knew that wasn’t the type of friend I needed.

If you still think you can get enjoyment from being with your friends on your terms then maybe be honest with them (if you feel comfortable with that) If they are true friends they will understand and try to be their for you.

[Tryingtostaycalm in reply to Kseye]

Thank you Kseye and sorry for the late reply. I think I was also annoyed at how my friend dealt with her news. I had told her 8 days prior that we had, had some back luck on the baby front (when we found out the IVF cycle had failed) but not divulged anything related to IVF. Then 8 days later she calls me to ask if I’m ok; I said yes and she says ‘good because I tested today and I’m pregnant!’ I just felt it was so insensitive. Having said that I’m really trying to maintain a friendship and when I have my down days I just take some time away. Thank goodness for lockdown! Having some space has been good. I hope you’re well.x

[Bggy]

I am so sorry to hear. Definitely things have been hard and only getting more difficult for you. My advice would be to make sure you're taking care of you, of your mental wellness, of your emotional wellbeing. If it's too much of a drain to talk about pregnancy, tell them you are trying for your second and have been having difficulty. If they don't back off from the baby talk, then it seems they don't care for your emotional and mental wellbeing. You don't need that in your life. Take yourself out of difficult situations. Don't throw yourself into them. No one is going to take care you like you would. I really hope things get easier for you. It's so sad we infertile women have to get caught up in difficult situations like this.

[Tryingtostaycalm in reply to Bggy]

Thank you so much for your message. It’s lovely and absolutely true. I have told my friends (a while back) we are trying for our 2nd and they know we are having some challenges but I’ve not divulged any info on IVF. It’s hard when we’re all together as the chat always turns to pregnancy and the genders/ maternity wear, size of bumps etc. Whilst it’s difficult to hear, I’m trying to maintain a friendship from a far (as in not speaking to them everyday or seeing them frequently). I feel like infertility is such an awful disorder;- it robs you of so much peace. I’m speaking to a counsellor who suggests I write my emotions down to acknowledge them and then rip up the paper to symbolise I don’t want them to consume me. Hope you are well and good luck on your journey.x

[Ariel_the_mermaid]

Sorry to hear this, I can completely relate, my 2 best friends who I have known since university became pregnant at the same time, one though IVF actually. There was 8 weeks between them, although I was so happy for them, deep down I was actually quite jealous, I kept thinking that there kids will be the same age, they will become closer because they have children etc, they will treat me differently. They give birth to 3 little girls between them, my friend who had IVF ended up having twins. Because of the lock down, none of us have seen each other which I think has made it easier for me to deal with and has given me time to process things etc. I will not let it effect our friendships because I know they will be there for me throughout my journey, supporting me, I can’t help sometimes feeling sorry for myself thou! X

[Hidden]

Aww sorry you going through this and glad to hear you have a baby so you know you can do it.

I just cant deal with it. I also notice that the pregnant girls are more closer than i am with them and you know what I rather have that than hanging out with them all the time. Im polite but im not gonna offer to organise a baby shower etc. They know I struggle and that doesnt stop them to talk about it so why should i hurt my self by being around them. Thank god for lockdown but now that that is loosening im struggling to avoid them xx

[GraceLee]

I can completely relate, I fell pregnant 4 years ago but resulted in MMC which literally broke me. Since then we have had 4 years of fertility hell. My 2 best friends of 20 plus years were not in a place to have children when I was pregnant. Then 6 months later one fell pregnant and then 6 months after that the other fell pregnant. Then 6 months after that my 3rd friend fell pregnant... meanwhile I was doing IVF and dying on the inside. I organised each baby shower for them! At the time it was about them and not me so I did the best I could. Not long after this another close friend fell pregnant. All of these were natural. As well as being surrounded by lots of pregnant women in my workplace. I seriaiuky felt like I was not a proper woman and the only one in this, completely alone. By the time my 4the friend announced her pregnancy, enough was enough. I decided I had to protect myself. I didnt go to the baby shower and I had to keep my distance as it just really hurt. They would all meet for lunch and all there with their babies and I was completely the odd one out. I've spent years doing the right thing for others, but eventually I got to a point where I just couldn't do it any longer. My friends were great about it, I spoke to them one in one. It has put some distance between us I cant lie, but I'm getting used to that now. It's just the way it is. It hurt to start with but I have to remember self care. Sorry for the waffle, just wanted to tell you you are definitely not alone. And my advice would definitely be look after yourself irrelevant of how selfish you think you are being. It took me years and various sets of counselling to get to the point! Please learn self care ☺ I hope this helps a little xx

[FertileMind]

Morning!

Tough one... and you must do what’s right for you.

I do understand.. many IVF friends have got their good news, cousins, mates... friend’s children even are pregnant before me 😂

I had an employee fall pregnant and had to organise maternity leave/pay and time off for scans and share in her ups and downs ... it was tough to handle at first, but that’s life! Our journeys are our own... our timing is our own.

My hypnotherapist said it’s very good to be around talk of babies and physically holding babies and being around the energy of babies and mums, as it stimulates our own natural hormones. That can only be good for us. Open up to their fertility and let that energy flow to and through us.

Energy flows where attention goes. There’s a book called “The Mind-Body Fertility Connection” by James Schwartz which I found really helpful.

The subconscious knows not the difference between truth or false... if we continue to tell our body we’re “trying to lose weigh” we will always be trying, and never lose... or “struggling with fertility” We will always struggle. We need to tell our bodies we are fertile, ready to have a child, in optimum health. We need to tell our wombs how we want it to receive the embryo and nurture it. We have to be open to receive, not blocked by negative thoughts. Put positive energy & thoughts into our minds, and our bodies will respond.

My take on it (which I appreciate it’s not how everyone sees it) is:

I ask myself... do unto others as you would have done unto you.... If I were in their position, pregnant, would I want friends to be happy for me? Empathising and being happy for them, or for anyone privileged enough to have a child, is good for us.

Maximise their joy and we will be impacted positively. Share in it and be happy for them, because we KNOW that our time will soon come. And then they will be happy for us and share in our joy.

We can always explain that sometimes we may feel a bit down because we haven’t yet received our good news and ask if they could be supportive of us if/when we’re in a down space. They’ll be compassionate if they’re good friends. We are all connected.

We are called to be true friends at all times - in times of joy and especially in tough times and sadness.

When we feel sad, frustration in the struggle, we need to sit with it, be gentle with ourselves, and then let the negative thoughts and emotions flow out of us, so they don’t hinder us.

Blocking positivity and focusing on struggle and pain brings us more of it.

We need to be positive, open, anticipate good news. Focus on what we WANT not what we don’t want.

Best of luck on your journey 🦋😘