I've been on this fertility journey for 3.5 years now - and in the midst of telling friends of my pain, they keep announcing their pregnancies (I'm at that age) - the worst is when they say 'it happened first time!'! I don't feel jealous when I hear their amazing news, I've never been a jealous person, but the news stabs me in the heart as it brings home that I'm not pregnant and the pain running trough my body at that precise moment, hurts like hell.
The problem is my lovely friends who don't seem to have a problem, have literally no idea what I'm going through. I've told them snippets but after comments like 'how exciting' (announcing my first IVF cycle) and 'oh my sister's friend's 3rd cousin once removed, did that and she was fine' how can they know the daily mental and physical reality I face. I've been really surprised how my very best friends don't even ask me about it.
There is my best friend who was my maid of honour exactly a year ago yesterday, who dropped the 'P' bomb (announced her pregnancy) on me the night before my wedding. This one hurt more than any other as it had only been a few months earlier that she had told me that she didn't think she wanted children, at that time I was deep in broody mode and I'm not saying it spoilt my wedding, of course not, but it did make me think about babies that day when what I wanted to do was just enjoy the moment.
That best friend has now had the child. In fact she had him about the time I started my first IVF cycle back in June. I sent her a card and was planning on making the 8hrs round trip to see them but quite frankly I've not managed it. I have been busy, we bought a very cute puppy to help fill the void (by the way this is a great thing to do for anyone that in this process) but there has been a 'blocker' that is stopping me from reaching out. I don't really know what it is and everytime I go to pick up my phone, I get just a little angry that she's not reached out to me, but also that deep pain that she is now with child when she so recently said she didn't really want to be a mother, stops me from making the first move.
I will contact her soon, I'm sure. But wanted to share this as I've felt like a freak with all of these crazy feelings towards my friends. It would be lovely to hear similar stories and especially advice on how you get through hearing the 'p' bomb!
Love to you all xxx
Written by
Dolly8
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Omg I've read your post and thought this is me!!!!
I'm exactly the same. I kind of regret telling close friends now that I am doing treatment as I get similiar comments. 'It'll be ok', 'that's great it'll all work' blah blah
To be fair I understand that this is what they should say as they are being positive . They don't actually ask questions though about the ins and outs of it. I tried to tell one girl the other day who thought all I had to do was take tablets!!!!! 😬
Some friends who we did tell don't ask anything at all!
We decided to tell close friends to stop the 'you'll be next comment' etc but yet I do now regret it.
My best friend, at least, does understand it all as she has been through ivf successfully so I talk to her mostly.
We had a friend who had a baby on Sunday. Happy for them but I just want my husband to be the one sending the text that we've had a baby.
I suppose some of them don't know what to say? Or find it easier to ignore it?
Hubbie and I decided that unless they ask we say nothing now. We are concentrating on us and leaving it at that but I do know where you are coming from xxx
Hi, I am with you on this, it's totally natural. It's not jealousy I agree, it's being pleased for them but also devastated for yourself which is understandable.
While I think people's ignorance is to some extent understandable (I partly blame the media for the way they report IVF), I find that it's too exhausting to take on the role of being the infertility educator to all your friends and family, so I have to admit, if people haven't shown sensitivity after I've revealed what's happening for me, I have shrunk back from them. Don't beat yourself up. If people genuinely want to know how they can help, you could send them a newspaper article or website that you think explains it well? I haven't done this yet but I have saved one or two articles in case. I will post it here if it lets me. At the moment there is a lot in the news on autism and on dementure and people are getting to understand more about those things. One day I think IVF and infertility will become the fashionable topic and then hopefully the average person will get a lot more insight into everything we go through xx
I completely understand how you are feeling. Like you, I am not a jealous person but I feel jealous when my close friends announce pregnancies they were not expecting or didn't even want. I guess it is the same with many things in life. If you haven't stuggled with something, you would never understand how precious it is. No matter how hard you try, you never will. This is why a forum like this is so important because we all get it because we feel the same.
I haven't shared my journey with any of my friends but they are aware that we are struggling to conceive. My sister and mum knew about my first cycle but I felt that they didn't fully understand because sometimes they would ask stupid questions which upset me more. I haven't told them about my second cycle because I don't want the extra pressure. It's just between myself and my partner and this forum.
I think it is important that you look after yourself and what is best for you. I know you want to reunite with your friend but do it when you are ready.
This whole process is very difficult physically and emotionally so you need to be kind to yourself.
With me it wasn’t really so much the issue of them telling me, it was how they told me. My best friend was actually really considerate and because of that, her announcement didn’t upset me at all (she had been trying and I knew this, which helped, but it was only their second month trying and they’d only been together 7 months) but other people who knew we’d been trying for 7/8 years would just make a big “ta-dah I’m pregnant” announcement in front of everyone without any thought of how it would make us feel. I just wish people could be more considerate – like your best friend telling you either further in advance, or after the actual wedding.
Love your puppy!! I know how you feel. For me, it's not just friends, it's more my hubby's family who can be so insensitive. It hurts a lot when you go somewhere and the only topic of conversation is babies. You can't take part and so, you sit there, invisible.. Me and hubby have decided to keep it for ourselves because of the lack of support and also, because we don't appreciate the nosy comments like "what are you waiting for?" Etc.
Keep strong and just remember that on the surface, it may look like they are having it easy, but they most probably have their lot of difficult times to deal with. Nobody's life is perfect.
I hope you soon achieve your dream. Best of luck xxx
I shared my journey with with my best friend, and to be honest - I do now regret it. She is my best friend and I like her as she is - straightforward and direct - but it took me a bit of time to realise that she isn't the best placed to support me through this though journey. Like you (and a number of people of this forum), I get extremely frustrated when I hear inappropriate comments. A month ago, my best friend said 'don't be so negative about what you are going through! you can influence your life by being positive!' I didn't reply anything to this but I could feel anger boiling up inside me.
It took me a couple of weeks to calm down. I have decided to stop talking about our difficulty to conceive with her and I will not share my IVF journey with her either. I'll have to explain this to her when we next meet-up; she may get upset but I will do what's best for me and my husband. I know that she will eventually understand my decision.
Another good friend of mine just had a baby; I don't want to be anywhere near her at the minute and I'm not planning ti visit her any soon. When I feel better and more serene, I will have a different attitude.
What you are experiencing is normal. Take the time you need, and be kind to yourself ; that's all that matters. xx
I think what you're feeling is normal as it's something you've wanted for so long. I find it very difficult to deal with people announcing they are pregnant.
I would actually prefer a text as opposed to telling me in person. I hate the shock of someone announcing it. And I hate the fact that I can't be as happy as I could for friends. It just seems unfair they find it so easy xx
Firstly your puppy is gorgeous. 😀😀😀🐶🐶🐶If I knew how to post a photo of my fur baby I would. He really helped me and got me through my first cycle. Silly to say I know but he provided unconditional love and no voice so no silly things like you will be fine and I know someone who was successful with ivf. I think of him as Thera puppy😜.Reading your post and all the replies is so so helpful as we all feel the very same. I am so pleased for folk when they announce they are pregnant but have found myself especially at work having to leave and run to car in tears. I hate myself for it but it just comes over me and hurts so so bad. We also decided to tell lots of friends and family as I am an open book that way however do regret this too somewhat. Some folk have been amazing and other really good friends have totally ignored me. Family also have a way with words sometimes. I try not to be angry and just focus on us but it is hard. My mum said to me once this is really hard for us too you know..which made me feel rotten. The whole thing just sucks there is no other word for it and nobody at all can imagine what you are going through unless they have been through it too..my best buddy at the time was a pal of mine who had been through it and all these fab ladies on here. You are never alone xxxx
AH so get it....you write so well and Have such a cute Dog....They help soothe us...I have a Jack Russell and she gone through all my Treatment and tears...she laid by my side now.....Hope your time comes and sending you big hugs xxxxxxxxxxx
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