Friend trying to get pregnant

[Alexm06]

Hi guys

I’m wondering if any of you have had to go through what I am now and what you did about it.

I had my first round of IVF end of August last year which sadly ended in a missed miscarriage. I am now due to start another fresh cycle in Feb as I didn’t get any frozen ones last time.

My problem is I have 2 close friends one has two children (who I love so much and had when I was trying to get pregnant) and the other has now come off the pill and is trying to have a baby as of beginning of this year. They both know what I am going through and are there for me but I don’t think they really understand what it’s like.

I feel like such a bad person but I really don’t think I would be happy for the one trying to get pregnant. I do want to be but it’s putting so much stress on me I feel like I’m now in a race and it keeps me up at night thinking about it.

I tried talking to the one with children but she says you have to be happy for her when it happens she will be happy when you get pregnant so you have to be happy for her she can’t put her life on hold. I tried mentioning it to my friend who is trying that people posting about their pregnancy’s over Xmas and new year made me sad and she said the same people can’t their life on hold.

Am I going crazy being upset about it? They are making me feel like I shouldn’t feel like this and have to be happy where as I’m thinking I will have to have a break from the friendship while I undergo treatment again so I don’t stress about it.

Any helpful advice?

Thanks x

[Spottydog444]

Hi,

It’s not the exact same situation but very similar. When I was going through my first round of IVF my sister in law announced she was pregnant. She didn’t know we were going through that at the same time. It was also the first grandchild on my husbands side so you can imagine all the excitement.

My first cycle failed and it was awful so hugs to you. Her pregnancy progressed and I went to the baby shower etc. It really is such a difficult time as you want to be so happy for them but it is so hard. I don’t think anyone will judge you if you find it hard and they know what you are going through. Fast forward to now and I’m just going through a FET and my best friend has announced she is now trying. It really does feel like a race of who will get there first but I know she would be so genuinely happy for me if it works even if she isn’t. I think it is best (but not easiest) to try and be supportive if she does fall pregnant even though it will be so hard for you. If she is a close friend then she should also be sensitive to your feelings through it all. Good luck to you x

[AllWeNeedIsluv]

Hi lovely, your friends wont completely understand unless they've gone through infertility themselves. My advice to you is try to just focus on you and your mind and body and get out of the mindset your in a race your not in a race hun that's just putting pressure on yourself and pressure creates stress and stress releases certain hormones that do our bodies no favors. You need to focus on you and your cycle in February. Take deep breaths and shut the world out put you in a happy place imagining that this cycle is the cycle nourishing your body and your mind maybe listen to some meditation before bed or have a relaxing bed time regime. Focusing on you and not whats going on in the world. Sounds like you have good friendships with these ladies but now is the time to not talk babies with them or if its easier just not talk for a while, while your focusing on you and your cycle. Nothing else matters. Remember if you don't have close ones that just get it, this forum is always here and the lovlies in here do get it. Good luck for feb my love 💗😘

[Savs]

I totally get where you are coming from .. I too had to grin and bear it through so baby showers and announcements when all u want is a baby of your own x people think they get it but they don’t really. Try and get their journey out of your head and focus on your next IVF cycle. I know it’s hard. Distance yourself a little of you have to , even come i off social media for a couple of months to avoid seeing things they will upset you, and just focus on you and your goal, meditate , positive mindset. Good luck xx

[TexasRose210]

Your feelings are normal, hope all 3 of you conceive.

[XOXO13]

You’re not being crazy at all.. you have to put yourself first and if that means taking a step back from friendship whilst you focus on your own journey then that’s okay.

Your friends won’t truly understand your journey unless they’ve walked the same path. When I lost my first baby, my best friend told me she was expecting twins. When I had my first failed cycle, she gave birth to the twins. Those milestones were incredibly painful for me. When she first told me her news, I told her that whilst I am so happy for her and wish her all of the best, I’m hurting so much for myself and my husband and therefore I may be quiet and need some distance. She respected that decision. True friends may not know how painful this journey is if they haven’t experienced it themselves, but they will understand that you’re in pain and that they may need to be more sensitive towards your situation.

You can feel both of those feelings together; happy for your friend, sad for yourself.

Put yourself first right now. Your journey is your own, and it’s important to you.

Best of luck 🤞🏻💫 xx

[Ivfgotadream]

For me as much as pregnancy announcements hurt I valued their friendships more - friendships are about being there through the good times as well as bad. Yes they’ll never understand what you’re going through but it leaves you with the choice between risking ending the friendship because you don’t have any shared experiences when it comes to TTC or digging deep to not let your journey let you become bitter and jealous and unable to feel happiness for anyone else?

Infertility takes so much from us already. It’s ok to step away from some of the conception talk etc and maybe have a chat with her about how to be sensitive towards you if she is lucky enough to fall pregnant quickly but honestly you have no idea how easy or not it may be for her? I guess you have to ask yourself - would you rather her struggle too or would you rather her not have to go through what you are?

I wouldn’t want to wish a fraction of what I’ve been through on anyone x

[AndRelax]

You're not crazy! It's totally normal to feel this way and like everyone else has said, unless they've struggled themselves, they'll never truly get it.When I was trying to conceive, no less than 9 babies were conceived by friends and family. I cried privately at home because I was upset for me (it was not about them having a baby but about me not having one) but put on a brave face and attended all the baby showers and helped when needed.

You'll most likely want your friends around when you do get pregnant and have a newborn. Mine showed up for me with freezer meals and dry shampoo. Distance yourself when you need to, take time out to process your emotions, focus on you and your journey (not them and theirs) and be honest with them about your (perfectly understandable) feelings. Xx

[Rain415]

As people have already said so I'll keep this short haha. You should not feel bad for feeling the way you do. I dont think anyone can understand these feeling until they have been in the same position. Perhaps ask your friend if she could text you privately if she did end up pregnant instead of you finding out Infront of people / online and trying to hid your emotions. I hope your upcoming cycle goes well. X

[LizzieBW]

Hi Simba!

It may sound abrupt, compared to some other, very thoughtful and positive replies you have already had but it's my opinion you shouldn't have to force yourself to prioritise a friend's feelings and be happy for them just because it feels like the right thing to do.

More so, I think it's your friends' responsibility to try to understand that their friend is going through an incredibly painful time. Why should you be the one making special effort? I understand it was a well-intentioned comment, however you could have reasonably replied that there's a difference between loving a friend and feeling absolutely heartbroken that pregnancy comes so easily to some & that watching someone you love so dearly feeling all those maternal feelings, first-hand is painful to you, just as equally as you are over the moon for them. Xx

[London_Lady1]

We all get it. I've watched so many friends and close family announcements. Some clearly planned and others accidental third children. It's so so tough! I avoid baby showers and depending on where we have been in our cycle I've also avoided some bruches to meet the new arrivals. You have to look after your mental health. Of course you're happy for them, it has nothing to do with that its about protecting you.

We didn't tell anyone about us struggling as I didn't want them asking or making dumb comments like 'just relax it will happen'.

The crazy thing is I've found this feeling doesn't change even when you are pregnant. Infertility robs you of that as well. One of friends asked if she could throw us a baby shower (we finally got there). Both me and hubby said no. We just can't jinx it. We are still on our journey. Until we have a baby in our arms I can't relax. I'm so paranoid about everything!

Basically to sum it up your feeling are totally normal. They aren't selfish, its just the reminder of what you don't have and what you fear you might not have (although your time will come!). Protect you especially through your treatment. As your friends know make them aware you need some space to go through this so you can just focus on you.

I've weirdly found all the lockdowns helpful as you can't see people anyway!

Wish you soooo much luck and baby dust! Xx

[AS100]

You’re not a bad person, you’re not crazy at all 💗 I feel the ‘competition’ aspect of it too, which isn’t a nice feeling. But there are so many helpful replies on here 😊 Put yourself first, lockdown helps in a way- no making excuses why you’re not drinking etc. I’ve managed to explain to friends over the years that I find announcements and baby scans difficult and asked some people to please try and be sensitive. Some people don’t really listen so they get a bit more distance 😉 a friend of mine has just had a baby and has been unbelievably sensitive towards me, sometimes that’s all we need, someone to say I can see how difficult this is for you 💖 All the best for your next cycle of treatment xx

[Lots8788]

You're not going crazy at all. No one would expect them to put their lives on hold and I imagine that's not what you want either but it feels like they're missing the point which is its hard for you given what you're going through. Take breaks as you need them and hopefully they will understand and know its nothing personal against them. Lots of love and hugs xx

[Alexm06]

Thank you guys for all your advice I really appreciate it! Xx