So worried and upset :-'( cant cope anymore

I feel like i just need to vent im so upset and worried right now and just feel really alone.. on top of having endo and constantly worrying about my fertility i now also had an abnormal cervical smear (first ever smear) which resulted in me having to go to the hospital for a colposcopy and biopsy.. that was on friday.. i feel so depressed. i know that people say that its "Pre cancer NOT cancer" but its not that simple for me as i also have a lump.. :( so it could very well be more than just Pre cancer cells.. im so upset and scared and i was in tears at the hospital i just feel like there is never gonna be a happy ending to anything in my life lately. and now i have to wait for 3 weeks to get my results and find out what needs to happen next. i suffer from really bad health anxiety and have done for years. this has all sent me into a big depression.. part of me feels like if i do have cancer that at least that will just put an end to it all for me. cant take much more :(

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  • I really feel for you, ive been there and i understand how alone you feel. I had treatment in 2009 for CIN1 after an abnormal smear and biopsy. I have had three laparoscopies since then after being diagnosed with endo and recently found a lump in my breast. Its been really really tough and the depression/worry can be crippling but somehow you get through it. I joined this last week and although im still housebound after my op i feel this site has really helped.

    There are people here that are going through similiar or have been there and can really relate to you, hopefully making you feel less alone. Do you have a family member or friend you can turn to. Sometimes they do find it hard to understand though and support you and its a vicious circle with the alone feeling. Nothing will help until you get the results no matter what anyone says but if you need to chat then message me. Its hard not to worry and not think the worst so venting and having people there to chat to who understand helps, hope this helps a little x

  • Thanks so much for replying.. its nice to know that someone reads and understands. Im sorry to hear about what you have been going through too. lately it just seems to be one thing after another.. if it wasnt for the lump i think i would of not been as worried about the abnormal cells.. but because of the lump its really scary.. and the waiting is the worst :( iv pretty much already got my head round having cancer im that convinced that my results are going to say its cancer.. if you need to talk message me also x

  • The only thing i can say is try and stay positive until you get the results, its very hard thoughni know. i find being around family/friends helps but doesnt help either - you might understand what i mean by that. Everyone seems to be getting on with their lives and no matter how much you try you have this big health obstacle there ALL the time. I have found my whole personality has changed over the last 2 years with everything that has happened. Iv given in and now take a low dose anti depressant, it may be worth talking to your doctor to see if there is something they can do for you...even if its just to try and ease the worry just now by talking to them.

    Im rooting for you, let me know how you get on and il forward my email (setting a new one up) if you want to message. Sometimes talking to someone outwith your circle can help. Tc x

  • i know what you mean about being around family.. im going to go to the doctors tomorrow if i can get an appointment fingers crossed and get back on some anti-d's as its all getting me really down at the moment and as i get quite bad anxiety attacks about all this aswell so i think i really need to start back on the tablets.. thanks for messaging me its nice to have someone to talk to :) i hope you start feeling better too.. ill let you know how i get on.. let me know how you get on too hun.. im here if you need to chat.. x

  • I know exactly how you feel. I too have endo & have had it for quite a few years now. I was diagnosed at 23 & im now 45. I had the same thing happen to me about a year ago after a routine smear test & was asked to make an appointment with my gp. My gp did an internal & she was concerned about my cervix so was fast tracked through to have a colposcopy. Even though my gp tried to reassure me that the test doesnt necessary mean you have cancer & that they were just being cautious. It doesnt stop you worrying though so i understand how you feel . What helped me through those 3 weeks was having family & friends who supported me through it. Thankfully i got the all clear & when i got the results my husband & I both cried. It is hard going through it but try to be positive. Mine tu

    rned out to be because of the endo. Good luck & sending you a big hug xxx Ps finding this site does help xxx

  • I so wish i could do something to help you. Well help us all really. Please don't give up on yourself. I now try to just take every day as it comes and am a bit more honest with family/friends about how I'm feeling which i find is less exhausting than trying to put on a constant brave face. Try to do things when you have the energy and enthusiam but don't feel guilty if you just have to give up and isolate yourself for a while.

    Everyone on this site understands what you are going through and it does help to vent your fear, anger etc

    I hope all turns out well for you.

    Take care xx

  • Thanks very much for your replies ladies.. it makes me feel better to know that people on here can relate to what im feeling.. i really find it hard to talk to people who i know.. i have a doctors appointment today at 5.. i know im going to end up in tears in his office (again) but i need to go.. hope your all ok xx

  • Good luck hun, I hope it goes well :) xxx

  • Just wanted to send a huge hug. I have also had an abnormal smear test and spent two days in tears. They keep saying 'don't worry about it', but how are you supposed to not worry?

    Hope you feel stronger soon.

  • Thanks JoJo i went to the doctors and talked things through with him xx

    SadSmile thanks for sending me a hug.. i send one right back to you.. i know what you mean about people saying dont worry about it.. but it doesnt help atall.. and im really really bad when it comes to worrying.. 1st endo and now this.. i hope we both get some good news soon x

  • i hope you got good news ,, i had my first smear at 25 and it was abnormal ,, had to go to hospital for another check up and after mine i got a letter through door saying a had severe cin3 ,,they removed it all ,and i now have to go for 6month check ups ,,then i found out i had endo and ado ,, i feel the same ,,it feels like its never ending ,,but they is light at the end of the turnel aventually ,,hope your ok xxxx ;0) xx

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