My sisters having a baby and I feel so annoyed and upset!

My sister is having a baby and last night announced it online with the scan photo. I feel horrible because all I feel is jealousy. She already has one child now she gets to have another? Its made me so annoyed to see all my family, especially my mum, congratulate her and say how excited they are for the baby to arrive in April. I feel so frustrated because in April while shes giving birth i'll just be finishing zoladex injections! I feel like I can't tell anyone how upset i'm feeling because no one understands just how much of a stab in the stomach this feels like. :( I'm not that close to my sister either which doesn't help the situation, but I want to love this baby because it's going to be my neice or nephew, but right now all I feel is anger, jealousy and frustration about it.

Sorry this isn't really a question, just a need to vent!

If anyone else has been in a similar situation though please feel free to tell me how you dealt with it :) xxx

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  • Hi there

    This a really tough one I know but you are going to come across many many people having babies whilst you are having to have treatment that doesn't allow for you to have babies ,but never say never,being angry and upset will eventually drive you mad which is no good ,I've been through the green eyed monster thing and I hated feeling that way and I no longer do so.Its really hard I know ,but as you say you will love the baby when it arrives and you will eventually learn to live with this ,and who knows as I said never say never.take care.

  • Thanks hun. I think thats probably my problem at the mo. Ive got about six friends having babies at the moment which i have calmly delt with but now its my own sister and i can see my parents etc getting excited for her, it makes me feel sad because I want to be able to do that too. I know one day it will happen for me and if it doesnt then there will be other things just as good, but right now i just feel really low and down about the whole situation.

    Hopefully il feel a bit better once the baby is born! I hate feeling like this! Xx

  • Hi andys_girl, I can completely sympathise with you on this one, I was diagnosed last year after my sister was ( this is how I found out that I had endo as was suffering with the same symptoms as her ) ive been through all the treatments on offer and had no relief, so im at a bit of a dead end for the time being! Me and my sister aren't very close any more, witch upsets me, and yesterday she gave birth to her second daughter! But I can saftly say despite the jealousy, and the annoyance that she's able to produce the first 2 grandchildren, and there is a chance that I may never be able to, I love my nieces more than I can say! I really do feel for you as ive been there, but the one thing it does is give me hope that one day I too will be able to have children! Fingers crossed :) hope you feel better about it all soon :) if you need to talk you can always send me a message, take care xx

  • Thanks hun! My fingers are crossed for you xxx

  • I can so relate to how you feel. Seeing my mums face light up with joy when my sister told her she was pregnant made me so miserable. It was pure jealousy that I am unlikely to ever be able to have that conversation with my mum and make her so happy. After that everything seemed to get worse. Mum and sister got super close and I felt left out. My sister ended up losing the baby at 10 weeks and I have never felt so guilty. She has no idea how I felt but I am so ashamed of myself. It made me realise that everyone has their own issues in life to deal with and I needed to stop assuming I had things worse. That being said I know even though I saw a person I don't want to be, my sisters day will come again and it will be so hard to not feel the same way again. Thanks for sharing your message on here. Its not an easy post to write and admit to. I feel that little bit more human knowing that although we all carry on with our health issues and try to stay positive, I am not the only one to occasionally become overwhelmed and have jealousy creep in. I hope all goes well with your sister but even more so, I hope you also get the chance of pregnancy one day and making your mum so happy x

  • Thank you hun! Your reply has really helped xxx

  • Hi - I really admire you for saying outright how you feel about you feel because as Todds78 says we do get these emotions, whether longer-term or just in the moment, and they don't always make us feel great about ourselves - both the fact that we are in the situation that means we feel that way and also that we just do - jealousy is a tough emotion to deal with but I think perfectly normal. I found out I had PCOS and endo the same week a close friend announced her pregnancy and I felt like someone had slapped me in the face (even though up until that point, if I am honest, I had not even been thinking of having children yet) - and then of course just about everyone else I knew seemed to be pregnant. However, over time I got to manage it by a variety of methods - (1) frankly, displacement (though in a positive sense) - I just got super-busy on other stuff but stuff I really loved, my relationship, my studies, my business, theatre/dinners out/shows/holidays, all those things that become difficult in the early years of having a child; (2) genuinely considering what my original timeline for having children was (it was to have them much later in life so my partner and I chose to just act as 'normal' and go for children later on, ultimately we didn't try, we went straight for adoption in our early 40s); (3) I kept my friends who became mothers but I also built up a really great group of friends who either couldn't, didn't want to or just didn't quite get round to having kids (which was a constant reminder that there are lots of other life options out there and people to have fun with) and (4) and I thought a lot about how I defined myself as a woman and how society defines women and I became very aware - this is only my personal view and I know others may not agree - of the expectation to have a child (or several), the really regular (often crass and often from women!!) enquiries about when I was going to have a kid etc. Ultimately I realised that social pressure was a lot of why I was feeling bad about myself and envious/avoidant of others' pregnancies - though there's no doubt there's an extra dynamic when it's a sister - in my case I only had to deal with a sister-in-law who had 4. I found it really important to remind myself that who I am and my relationship with my family and friends is not defined by whether or not I had a child - it is about who I am and my intrinsic worth (which has nothing to do with whether I can produce a baby). It wasn't always easy but I tried really hard to hang onto the 'me'. Completely separately, I have in the past seen a counsellor - though nothing to do with fertility/endo issues - and I found that very helpful - it is so fantastic to vent and to know that person isn't judging you. It might be worth considering if you're the type of person who likes to verbalise your feelings and get the emotions out there in a safe environment. Not sure any of this helps but I really wish you all the best. x

  • Thank you for your reply lovely!

    I think the main frustration I have is that from a very young age I have always wanted to be a mum, Always wanted to have my babies in my early 20's. My sister however was adamant she was never going to have kids and that she couldn't stand them. So I feel angry that the one of us that didn't want children is now about to have 2. Her first child wasn't planned and is with a different man to the one she is having now, which makes it even worse for me as me and my partner have been together for almost six years, whereas she's only been with her current boyfriend about 2 years. It doesn't help that there is already huge jealousy between us as I have always felt like I have to slave for what i've got and she just gets it given to her on a plate (i'd always rather work for what i've got but sometimes some people just seem to be given everything). I've just finished three years at university and cant afford to carry on to higher education so that I can have a better job etc whereas she didnt go to uni at all she had a child with one man and has now met her new partner who has paid for her to set up her own dog grooming business, he's also just bought her a four bedroom house and a new car.. Its not about the value or the materialistic side of what she has, its mainly the principle of why does she get everything she wants just given to her??

    I realise that above paragraph sounds very jealous and probably makes me sound like an awful person, but as I say I am so conflicted at the moment as to how I should feel about this new baby. I love my nephew (her first child) to peices but at the time when he was born I was only 17 and wasnt readyy for my own, whereas now im almost 22 and I wanted to at least be trying, but instead I have to have the menopause for six months for the doctors to actually do anything more about finding endo. I can't live with all this pain anymore and until I have alternate treatment they wont do anything else for me. I know in the long run this will probably be the better option for me and will probably help us to conceive faster next year but like I say above its just hard that my sister is having a baby right at the same time.

    I also find it hard around my mum because I dont want her to pussy foot around the subject with me as she is allowed to be excited that she is having another grandchild, but she also feels sad for me because she knows how badly i wanted it to be me and my partner next.

    I really appreciate your reply, and all of those above as i have really felt rotten these past few days, and really want to shake myself out of it.

    I think if i still feel this way once the baby is born then i will definitely look at seeing a counsellor. Will my doctor be able to put me in contact with one or do i have to find one myself?

    Thanks again :) xxx

  • Hi Andys_Girl - sorry for the slow reply, have been laid up with one of these rotten viruses that's going around - I'm sure lots of others on the forum also notice that when they get run down their endo also plays up, yick!

    W.r.t. your doctor they should be able to put you in contact with one - I found this page on the NHS site - nhs.uk/conditions/stress-an... That route may be more helpful initially if you want to keep the costs down but you could also do some research into private counsellors - that is the route I took in the past (not really sure why, just did). You can check people out at the UKCP - psychotherapy.org.uk/ - or the BACP - bacp.co.uk/. You could also consider more future looking techniques like Neurolinguistic Programming (NLP) - though make sure you're comfortable with their level of qualification and recommendations (I don't think that area is so well regulated), I haven't ever 'had' NLP but a friend of mine had amazing success with that in terms of her confidence, career and focusing forward rather than back into childhood issues. Whatever, I think the key is to find the person that is right for you and you don't always find that on the first go.

    Anyway, I hope that you're feeling a little better and in all you've said can totally appreciate why you're in the place you're at. Because of my own background, I am completely with you on working for what you've got and, for what it's worth, my personal experience is that when people appear to be given everything it doesn't ultimately mean they end up any happier - for example, he seems to be holding a lot of the cards financially! If and when you can face it, and if you haven't already told her and don't think it would be a hideous outcome, perhaps you can tell your mum how you feel about how she feels about it (if you see what I mean!). Cards on the table may or may not help - it depends on your family dynamics I guess.

    W.r.t education, you mentioned being at Uni, were you hoping to finish your degree or go onto a Masters education? I did my first degree on the Open University and my Masters part-time (1 day a week over 2 years) at London Uni - keep making your other life plans, hopefully you'll find it will help. I did my OU degree that way because I had to work as well as my partner to afford our house and then I went for my Masters after a real life blow and it honestly made me so much stronger and have so much more confidence in myself.

    Anyway lots of luck!

    x

  • Thanks for those links lovely and for the advice on counselling, i'll definitely look into it!

    I met with my sister and my mum yesterday and was able to put my feelings aside for the day which made me feel better, as its helped me to see that when the baby is born i will probably love it regardless of my own situation.

    I finished my 3 years at uni, but cant afford to carry on and do my masters, i have to work and my hours are so random that trying to fit a course in online would be hard right now. Not to mention how tired I am when i'm not at work!

    I hope your endo has settled today and thank you so much for replying in such depth to me! Its so nice to have people who understand to talk to! Xxx

  • Glad it was of use, even if not practical right now, and am so glad to hear that you had a positive day yesterday, that's really great! :-) xx

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