Hi ladies. Hope your flare free.I'm looking for advice on social events. I know this is so minor in comparison to other issues, but I'm really struggling.
I'm currently waiting on my 3rd surgery for hysterectomy and bowel resection. My life is tough at the moment holding down a stressful full time job. I basically avoid big social events as just not my scene now.
My cousins hen do is coming up and i just can't face it. I'm not able to drink alcohol due to endo in my kidneys and i can't think of anything worse than being at hen do in pain with drunk people, strippers etc.
I want to cancel but my family are pressuring me. They say i should show face. But i just can't. I'm not majorly close to this cousin.
Am i being pathetic? Should i just suck it up and take a week of annual leave to recover? Sorry to bring this on here but people just don't understand.
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KM1986
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Your family should understand how much you are suffering. You have every right to not attend if you’re this unwell. I bet they wouldn’t force someone to attend with two broken legs would they!
Just explain to the cousin, say you are struggling to get through the day to day nessacities at the moment and you won’t be able to attend but you wish them a lovely time. Xx
Ignore your family as they are not the ones going through this.
I often think social gatherings are about how many people can attend things and not who you really know/want there only. As you say you don’t even know your cousin that well. Would she put effort in for you if she was ill?
I often flip things when I am unsure, would that person make effort for me? Yes or no?
Politely decline. Say thanks for the invite but I am not well at the moment and wish her a fabulous hen do.
Thank you for this very useful response. You've actually really opened my eyes turning it around like this.Thanks for taking the time to respond that was really kind xx
that’s ok, I have spent time worrying about other people and what I perceive to be as letting them down. I changed how I thought and it helps. Hope you are having a good day x
One of the best gifts I ever gave myself was the word no. You need to put yourself first at this time and use the little energy you have for yourself, not others. After you say no a few times it becomes easier.
I too am waiting for hysterectomy and bowel resection so for a while it is all about my self care. This will be my 11th surgery so I know I need to live doing what is best for me in the build up, not what others think I should be doing. It’s hard to be social when in pain and focus is elsewhere. I just tell people I’m too poorly just now and would only bring the mood down if I went on a night out. I find it’s worse to say yes and go and resent every minute of it as the last thing our body and minds need at the moment is more bad feelings.
I do hope this works out for you when you explain how you feel. Even if others aren’t happy about you not going they here no right to make you feel bad. Endo is hard for others to understand as we tend to do such a good job at getting on with and hiding our pain and frustration. I describe it to others that it’s like being a spectator of the world sometimes as it can be impossible when flared up to join in.
I missed my best friends hen do a few years ago so I had enough energy to make the wedding day. I felt really guilty at the time but like you could not drink as on strong pain meds. I just told her the truth and used the money I saved to buy her a really nice wedding gift. You could maybe send a card or flowers before the Hen do day wishing her a wonderful time and saying how you are so looking forward to the wedding day itself.
I also make sure I do something nice and for me on the days I miss out on socials like indulge in a box set or good film.
I really admire that you are still working with all that is going on for you, this must make your rest time even more precious.
Hope all works out for you. Take care of yourself.
Poppy thank you so much for sending such a lovely response. You've gave me so much useful information thank you.I currently work 40-50 hours a week so literally have zero energy for anything else. You're totally right about bringing the mood down. I don't want to be sat in a corner looking miserable. And I wouldn't miss the wedding for the world so need to save myself for that.
I am so sorry you are suffering so much at the moment. You are clearly not well and I think you need to explain to the family how limited your life is due to this painful condition and its impact on you .If you need to cancel, then do so. I am sure you will be at the wedding. Perhaps send a card to the bride to be explaining and maybe pop some money in for a cocktail for her, Hope you get it sorted and your family understand.
Honestly folk who have no idea 🤷♀️ . Re-write the situation and deal direct with the bride. You never know she maybe more of an ally than you might realise and if you are going to take time off work for goodness sake do something to cherish you and bring you joy 🤩 (not simply to tick this box and people please) People pleasing is a no no especially with endo. You always need to come first with you.
Why not just say normally you’d have loved to have been there but it’s just something that you can’t physically manage at present. Letting her know you can’t afford to push things and aggravate the condition that may take a long while to bounce back from. Be clear with the no. No is not a personal slight it’s an ability to care for yourself and ultimately her. Let her know you want her to have a fantastic time and the bit you’re going to be focusing on instead is being able to be there for her wedding. If you don’t know her that well then sending her something small to make a personal connection or card might soften the edges. Hopefully she’ll be sensitive enough to appreciate your care. As for the others if they continue to be pushy I’d have a line that says something that while your sorry not to be there that you’re also shocked that they aren’t aware enough of your condition that they feel it’s okay not to trust your decision. If they continue I’d be tempted to ask them if they had really bad flu and severe period pains would they show up and then have to take two weeks off work to recover ? Be clear with them they need to be stepping up for you and respect your judgment. They are falling short it’s not your job to make them feel okay about that !
I'm really glad you posted this as this is one of my main issues people do not understand and I went through a stage of saying no and now my endo is worse and I can't be bothered to argue with people about it so I end up pushing through and going because it's less stressful than battling the no. The social side of endo and the last minute let downs are so hard to accept emotionally. I've been invited to stay round my brothers next weekend and my work to his is 40 miles and Friday night traffic and I know I'll be absolutely exhausted when I get there to do anything so I just say be prepared for the shit company lol if people force you to go to these occasions they have to deal with me being off form or leaving early or constantly being on the loo. I did it at his birthday meal the other week it made me feel crap I didn't want to go because I felt shit went felt embarrassed walking through the restraunt to the loo 4 times in one evening and everyone's drinking and wanting to stay out I wanted to go home then everyone went home because I wanted to and it made me feel crap because everyone left on my account.
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