Struggling to talk my partner about trying asap for a baby...

[Meriel_Owen]

Hi everyone,

This will be familiar territory to some of you I'm sure. Sorry this is a long rant....

I am just so tired of having to think about what step to take next. I wake up and feel emotional, not even sure why. Bit of back story:

I'm 30, have endo, two laps down, mirena coil for a year. I'm still in regular pain, but its nowhere near as bad as it was; it's manageable, though still interferes with life sometimes. Had sudden, debilitating pain on New Year's Day, which made me feel sick, couldn't breathe or walk, and continuing twinges near ovary makes me think I've got an ovarian cyst (I had one before). But who knows...got an app with my gyne next week.

Anyway....I am so desperate to start trying for a baby. I just don't want to miss the opportunity. It's not like I even feel that ready (who ever does?) but biology, endo, and time are all against me, and here's the punch-line, so is my partner. He won't commit to trying for one. What do I do? Give an ultimatum? Leave? I've tried talking....we just go round in circles and he comes up with all the practical reasons why we're not ready. I've said to him I want to take the mirena out in a couple months maybe and start trying. He just says he's not sure, and I say, where does that leave us?

I've broken down multiple times, cried in front of him, he knows how much this disease affects me/us - we've been through a lot. Our sex life isn't great (I blame mirena and stress)...I'm starting to feel disconnected/pushing him away.

Tired, emotional and sad...

HELP.

xx

[luthien]

Ahh that's a difficult one.

I've gone through the same dilemma and come out the other end, mentally I've just left it up to "whatever happens". I guess the questions which helped me / us decide are similar to one's I'd ask you, you don't need to answer on here but have a think. Apologies if they kinda hurt, I don't mean them that way, but just asking honestly:

What is driving you to feel like you need to start trying for a child? Put aside age / endo / peer / family pressure.

Are you at a point where you've done all the things you'd like to do before? Is there anything you have on your list before you settle, a child isn't just have one it's be around to support and care for them for however many years

How important is your relationship to you? By that I mean would you end it to have a child if your views differ that much.

Are the practical reasons founded? As in are they all valid, because men generally are more practical as they still have that idea where they need to provide financially, and have a stable house, etc so perhaps he feels if you focus on a child then that is all down to him and he doesn't feel practically ready, which makes sense.

Is sex lacking purely because you want a child so are refusing or is because the symptoms and pain are putting you off? Remember if you stay in your relationship it takes two, and sex has to happen to make a child - unless there are medical reasons of course.

What would happen if you came off the mirena? Would this give you time to focus on yourself and get to know yourself again, putting aside the trying because it could take a few months for cycles to come back.

How would you feel if you felt you pressured your partner to have sex to have a child? Would that be fair on him, perhaps he has concerns that you'd still be ill, or he'd hurt you.

How would you feel if sex hurt every time? Would you just put up with it month after month until you had a positive, it could take months, and if your partner care's he'd feel he'd be causing that.

Would you feel like your relationship and sex become robotic? You are a human being as is your partner, appreciate and love yourselves and each other, I've seen lots of friends relationships fall apart because they're so focused on the conception they forget they are in a relationship

How would you cope if your pregnancy was painful? Some women with our problems sail through, some have horrible pains and symptoms can be worse, how would your partner feel

What happens after you have the child? Say everything goes fine which it could but your symptoms get rapidly worse a few months after birth, you'd then possibly need another operation, how would you feel leaving a newborn, and how would you feel relying on others during recovery.

I know the above sounds horrendous, and makes me sound awful, but it's what we discussed together my hubby and I when thinking about things because I felt I needed to have a child and didn't want to miss that part which biologically we're supposed to just do naturally. We chatted lots, I cried, and found that even though we're ready, I feel too pressured by society, like I was getting old, like it was a list us women should have. And my hubby, well he felt like the whole process from sex onwards if I was ill or in pain, even after, then he would have helped cause it and he couldn't go through that seeing me in pain. So I'm not on any hormones, I'm focusing on finding myself, valuing the time together, spending time together being a couple, and rediscovering through sex, but loving stuff, doing things when they occur naturally, and just seeing what happens. I do have an app to track my cycles but I don't pay attention to it for ovulation, it's useful to know but we don't want our love to be robotic when some app tells us to. So we'll just see what happens. If it's nothing then we know we've just done what people have been doing for millennia! And like my hubby said it's scary for him too! So this way definitely helps.

It has taken me over a year to do all of the above so it's not a quick switch, it takes some letting go, some upset, but we have so much we feel we need to control so I figured just let nature deal with this one.

Remember your partner loves you and seems to really care, so listen to his views too; he may be just confused and lost and feels like he needs to help you with this all but doesn't know how. If he opens up how he feels (not just the practical stuff) perhaps it'll make you both realise you're both feeling the same and you can both work on where you want to go together. Yes you're 30 but that's still young, and in reality so what if you get older and still both haven't figured out what you want, you know what? That's okay too. It's important we spend time focusing on ourselves especially in this world.

I posted my story a while ago, perhaps the last few paragraphs will help explain my thoughts and path a bit better

healthunlocked.com/endometr...

Let me know if you'd like to chat . . . or not, if you don't like the above, that's okay x

[Hidden]

I’m sorry that you are facing such a difficult situation.

I have a different perspective- I didn’t know I had endI until we had been trying for nearly 6 years. I underwent another 2 surgeries following a chemical pregnancy then went onto to have my daughter! ( that’s the edited version!) I was lucky that I was able to conceive naturally after it was treated.

Francesca is our world but even after wanting her for so long it was still tough adjusting to parenthood!!! It’s been completely worth it & she really is our miracle baby that we never thought we would ever have.

A baby can put a strain on the strongest of relationships ( and bring the wonderful joy too) so you both need to be totally 💯 to have a baby.

I can completely understand why you want to have a baby ( and there’s never a “good time!”)

I think you need to have a chat & explain how you feel & how Endo might impact your chances ( hopefully won’t)

No one can tell you what to do & it must be really hard position to be in I feel for you.

I hope your partner & you can work through it together & make a decision that is right for you xxx

[Charlietruck]

I know it’s hard but you shouldn’t have a baby for the wrong reasons or force your boyfriend into having one.

I did and it’s not easy 10 years on.

I forced my ex into it as I knew with endo and pcos it was going to me a mission. However, I had fertility treatments and got pregnant. Needless to say, 11 months after I had my daughter we separated. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t regret my daughter, but It’s a terrible situation. My ex hates me and sadly our daughter knows it.

My sister in law also did this to my brother, he was adamant he didn’t want a baby.....he started an affair when she announced the pill must have failed , then he left her when their baby was 6 months old.

I’m not trying to be negative, just honest and maybe showing the other side.

[Busy-Lizzie]

Hello Meriel

Has your partner said no to having a baby with you now, or not at all, even in the future?

You have a natural, maternal instinct to want to conceive a child. You owe it to yourself and a potential baby to be conceived within a relationship where both partners share the desire to raise kids. You are still young enough to meet someone else who shares your desire.

If you're with someone who doesn't share your desire to have a child conceived out of mutual love and respect, then I'd say it's a dealbreaker.

I'm imagining myself in your shoes and thinking I would feel used if my partner wanted only a piece of me by being willing to be in a purely sexual relationship without any intention, ever, of hoping to conceive.

I hope you can find the strength, courage and resolve to be true to yourself and make the decision that's right for you.

[wanwood]

That's really tough.

Somehow you will need to try to understand the real why and how of how he doesn't feel ready, in order to inform your own decisions about your future, but it's difficult when it's such an emotive, high-stakes issue for you (understandably). It doesn't sound like at the moment that the two of you are able to have a truly open conversation about it. All these practical reasons he's bringing up, they could be a smokescreen or they could be genuine issues that mean something to him.

When he says he doesn't feel ready, for example, it could mean he wants to be a father but in 5 or 10 years, or he doesn't know if he wants to have children at all, or all he knows is the thought of it makes him panic. If he does know he wants to be a father someday, that's a starting point to really explore what he thinks would have to change to feel ready (wants to have more fun first, can't face the stress and the lifestyle changes yet, more financial security, wants everything to be perfect and has unrealistic ideas, etc). And you would need to open to hearing his objections without getting upset.

If you are in panic mode it can be hard to de-escalate the situation, but at your age, taking 6 months or even a year to get to the bottom of this is unlikely to be the deciding factor in whether you can have children. Honestly. *If* you think he's the person you want to parent with and spend the rest of your life with, surely it's worth there being some give and take to give him some time to get his head around it, or to make any practical changes like moving house or saving up that he feels are important.

xx

[Afrohair]

I can only speak from my life experience and that is I would not wait he may never be ready or will always say in a few years my partner wants a baby but since he sees me in pain every day keeps trying to postpone so it could be that .let me tell you this their is no right time to have a baby things happen in life we don’t expect you can plan for it but you don’t know if and when it will happen I’ve been lucky my endo started after my last baby and I’ve now heard it runs in my family.but I still want more children I’m getting endo treated and I will try again if I was 30 I would advice you to try now ask him how long he’s prepared to wait and if it’s ever on his agenda if so how long you don’t know where this journey will take you have you done everything you want in life most people are comfortable at that age or maybe it’s me generalising I had my kids young and I don’t regret it now 34 I wish I i was done but I’m not you have to factor in how many kids you want aswell x