I’m desperate for a baby but my boyfriend isn’t ready :(( fertility endo and age?

I’m sure lots of you can relate to being diagnosed with endometriosis and felt under pressure to start trying for a baby ASAP .. I’m 25 I really want children I live with my boyfriend of 3.5 years he wants children but not yet... anyone have experience of this? I’m trying to not feel under pressure to feel like I should be trying for a baby now but I’m so concerned by the time my boyfriend is ready it will be too late :( is this normal to feel like this?

My back story: diagnosed with moderate endo in August 2017 on bladder, peritoneum, peritoneal, pouch of Douglas... they could not get the ends off my bladder and peritoneum due to damage.. not been referred to a BSGE end center but I want to be referred because I want a second opinion on my bladder. 3 months post op and symptoms are worse than ever.

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  • Hi Lovely,

    Personally I would get a referral to a specialist centre and take your partner with you and discuss it with the specialist so your partner can understand the risk if you wait.

    I am 33 and have stage 4, me and my hubby have been TTC for the past 8 years and still no k. I am waiting for for further major surgery, and it kills me now knowing what I do, I wish I would of got pregnant at a really young age before this disease took hold.

    Personally I wouldn’t wait because you wouldn’t be able to forgive yourself if you left it to long to try and it would put a strain on your relationship because you will start to blame your partner for making you wait, try and explain to your partner the consequences of waiting and really try to make him understand the risk, try doing some research and sit down with him and go through it together so he can get a better understanding of the disease, personally I wouldn’t take the risk, I would just go for it as you may not even get caught straight away anyway or you may be lucky and get caught right away but at least you will know you tried your best and done everything you could.

    Hope this helps a little and try to get that referral and take him with so you can discuss with the specialist x

  • Hi lovely,

    So far I've taken him with me to all of my appointments. He said we need to wait because 1. he's not ready and 2. we're not in the financial position he wants us to be. We earn enough but we're quite ambitious people and we have big goals career wise which I completely get but I also don't want to put everything else before having children and like you said end up regretting not trying earlier. On the other hand I don't want him to be pressured into having a baby then resenting me the whole time because we didn't get to where we want to be. It's so tricky trying to make the right decision :( He's the kind of person to go with the flow and not make decisions until the last minute hence why I'm feeling anxious because I think by the time the realisation hits him, it might be too late. Thanks for your answer - I'm going to book an appointment to the GP to get referred. Imogen x

  • It is really important to consider your partner's feelings, especially about something as major as becoming a parent. That's a lifetime commitment and to just go ahead and try to get pregnant without his agreement would be really inconsiderate and not very loving. I'm honestly surprised that someone would advise you to ignore his feelings and go ahead and try. Having a child when both parties aren't on the same page is also going to put a strain on your relationship because your partner could end up blaming you for trapping them in something they weren't ready for.

    If your partner isn't ready, but you are, that may be a fundamental difference that can't necessarily be agreed upon. Your partner can't rush his readiness.

    I know we ladies have been taught our whole lives that babies are the only way to feel complete in our lives, but that just isn't true. It is just as important that we are fulfilled and satisfied in our personal relationships. It is a hard lump to swallow that Endo may render us unable to carry a pregnancy, but that doesn't mean we can't have full, rich lives. However, if you really want a baby now and your partner isn't ready, it may be that you two aren't the best fit and that's okay too. In the end, you need to do what is best for your happiness. If others' plans don't align with yours, you may have to change plans or pursue other options. Life is never predictable. We can really only go with the flow as best we can.

    Talk to your guy. Let him know how you feel and what you're worried about, but if he still isn't ready, that's okay too. People who are rushed into parenting against their will often don't make the best parents. (As my parents were daily proof.) If he doesn't feel he is ready, then you can either work on changing your expectations for parenting or your expectations for a life partner. It's your call which is more important to your life's happiness.

    Best of luck, Imogen Rose.

  • Well said, JackieBo.

  • I am in the same situation. I am now 30 and I was finally diagnosed with endo at the age of 24. I’ve had 2 laps. I have been with my partner for 7 years. He doesn’t want children yet and just doesn’t understand. Although he has been to appointments with me and seen how bad it gets he still doesn’t get it. I was told that sometimes the condition eases after having a baby but still he says no. It is frustrating as you can make someone want something x

  • I'm sorry to hear that lovely :( It's like - most men have this thing about getting older and not wanting to settle down. I know this is stereotypical but I truly believe men are like 4 years behind women in their mental age lol! Does he want children? He said we need to wait because 1. he's not ready and 2. we're not in the financial position he wants us to be. We earn enough but we're quite ambitious people and we have big goals career wise which I completely get but I also don't want to put everything else before having children and like you said end up regretting not trying earlier. On the other hand I don't want him to be pressured into having a baby then resenting me the whole time because we didn't get to where we want to be. It's so tricky trying to make the right decision :( He's the kind of person to go with the flow and not make decisions until the last minute hence why I'm feeling anxious because I think by the time the realisation hits him, it might be too late. Hoping we both get what we want eventually lovely xo

  • He said not yet. I honestly think he doesn’t want any at all. It’s hard. This is the thing when is anyone actually ready to have a baby. I hope you both come to an agreement eventually xx

  • Hi,

    I understand completely your worries. I had surgery for endometriosis stage 3 about 5 years ago and then a whole raft of post surgery zoladex injections. I never thought I'd have children so simply stopped using protection. My partner and I discussed looking at fertility testing but 3 years post surgery I was of the mindset that perhaps it wasn't meant to be. But my consultant was brilliant and said to come back if I was worried about my endo returning.

    However I asked my gp and he ran two simple blood tests during my cycle for me that confirmed I had the right hormone levels so I was ovulating each month.

    We were looking at my partner potentially being tested but a week later 4 pregnancy tests confirmed I was pregnant. I now have 13 month old twins! A boy and a girl. So while I completely understand your worry it triggered my depression before I conceived don’t give up. Bother whoever you need to and ensure you’re seen by a specialist again.

    Good luck

  • Thank you for such a lovely reply! That's given me hope! I suppose what's meant to be will be. I don't want to ruin my relationship and put pressure on my partner so he ends up resenting me. I'm going to make an appointment to see my GP to try and get referred to an endo specialist. x

  • You are most welcome! My GP ran the AMH test for free. And by the way I’m now 38 so you have time on your side!

    Tash xx

  • Hi, I agree with Nikki84,

    I met my oh when we were late 30s. I desperately wanted a family and he did, but said he wasn't ready as he was younger than myself.

    I waited patiently for maybe 2-3 years even though I knew I had endometriosis and quite a few problems following a lap. I thought I was doing the right thing - not wanting to pressure him etc. Anyhow, a friend suggested I go for an MOT - at a fertility clinic to test my AMH levels (how many eggs and quality etc) and see if there were any problems. I had never thought I'd be doing anything like this. Needless to say it wasn't good. I was told to start ivf asap and now I'm 7 years on and nothing as I'd left it too late. I blame myself and not my partner. He's now desperate for a child (we both are) and we're left with very little hope.

    Maybe go to an ivf clinic if you can. Get your bloods and other tests done so you know roughly what problems you may be facing and if there would be any problems with number of eggs later. They can/ will advise on 'how much time you have left' and recommend things. You don't have to listen to them or follow their advice but it will give you 'facts' that you can then sit down and discuss with your partner. My oh thought it was 'all in my head'. When it came to showing him the paperwork and then arranging a meeting with the clinic so he could hear it from professionals it changed his mind. We did start right away, but by that point it was too late. It breaks my heart to think now, there is a high possibility of never being a mother and as time ticks on I know I'm facing further complications and medical issues. I wish you all the best. Please ... put yourself first. Don't leave it too late like myself. Although it's important not to pressure anyone, maybe just get a test done for yourself and know what you're facing - maybe he could come with you ?

    All the best xx

  • Hi lovely,

    I'm sorry to hear that :( I'm still hoping for you that it happens. Sending lots of positive thoughts...Out of interest are you in the UK or in America? I'm not sure of the process of checking egg quality and if they would do that with me being 25 and have not tried to get pregnant before would they? Thanks for your message xx

  • HI ImogenRose

    I'm in the UK. You would have to go to a fertility clinic and tell them you've been trying for a while but not been successful so you'd like an AMH test. It's a blood test that checks your ovarian levels - giving a rough indication of how many eggs you're still making etc. They could also give you a scan or further tests if you wanted after this. I think the blood test was maybe £50. You may be able to get these done privately or somewhere else possibly if you ask online - or on this website if someone can advise you. My aim, was to get pregnant for my 40th birthday. You hear all these stories of people getting pregnant and having children later in life so I didn't worry. However, I knew I had Endo so in the back of my mind I wish I'd got tested etc much sooner. Wishing you all the best. I found the more I tried to 'push my other half' and keep suggesting and commenting etc, the more it put him off and he would 'stay out later or find excuses etc'. lol. When he was faced with the info... even going to an IVF open night and listening to the facts that egg quality drops off with age etc. His face dropped and he knew I wasn't just making it up as a 'desperado'. The AMH and other tests confirmed that I probably should have taken action years ago. But, I just thought IVF would be the answer to our prayers. Nobody should have to go though all this heartache to want a family or child. Just save some money where you can/ if you can as once you start on this journey it's not cheap and you'll want to throw whatever money you can at it to make things work - even naturally. Having pregnacare tablets etc. I wish you all the best xxx Look after yourself. Men hardly ever get it as it's not their bodies. x

  • Trust me, I'm not saying this to scare you. You are still young. Just to let you know, I had to have both my tubes removed from Endo damage and cysts on my ovaries. Endo can do so much damage and I wish I'd considered this before. However, every month I put it down to painful periods and popped a load of ibruprofen and other pain killers etc, kidding myself nothing was wrong and it was 'normal'. At least you know what you are dealing with early enough. An AMH blood test may put your mind at rest for a while hopefully. xx

  • What age were you when you had to have your tubes removed? Thank you I will look into that xx

  • I was maybe 36 when I had both my tubes removed. One was damaged from Endo, and I was advised to have the other fischer clipped to avoid the possibility of an ectopic pregnancy. When I came round from surgery he told me he had removed both "as it was easier". I was gutted. I would have preferred to keep 1 remaining tube - as we could have carried on trying 'naturally' even it it was a 50% chance and would have been a miracle. Don't feel rushed by the illness. Kate is absolutely right. You are still very young. I don't think I started having real problems or my Endo was 'noticeable' until I turned 30? xx

  • Hey Imogen,

    Kate again, lol I’m not ready for kids there’s still so much I want to do - I’m 27 and I just think we’ll if it happens it happens and if not there’s adoption and other options. I think it’s easy to worry about something that hasn’t happened yet.. but don’t feel rushed etc because of this illness

  • Hi Kate lol!!!

    Thank you for your response lovely! it's good to get other opinions, I go through phases of feeling like that, but I really really want children so I have these panicked moments where I think about needing to prioritise my life. All of these answers have helped! :) x x x

  • The only way I got my partner to understand was to get him to research the stats himself. I agree that taking him to a specialist appointment may be a good way forward.

  • I think at 25 you still have a bit of time on your side. Ideally you would start now but try not to worry too much as you have another ten years before your fertility starts to drop

  • Hi Imogen, I’m in a very similar situation to you! I’ve always wanted a family, and being diagonised with endo has only made me more sure. I’m 28, so I’m really concerned about my fertility. My boyfriend of 18 months is 27, and we have talked a lot about the condition & how it might affect our lives (he’s a dr so he fully understands the implications), and we both agree that we want to be together and if possible have a family together. I am currently on the pill (3 packs back-to-back) to manage my symptoms until I get my lap to remove the endo. In my ideal world I want us to start trying for a family soon after my op, but my bf says he doesn’t know if he will be ready.

    It’s such an awful place to be in because you want so badly to start trying for something for your shared future, but you don’t want to push your loved one into something they’re not ready for.

    I’m hoping that over time he will feel ready before it’s too late for us.

    The not knowing is so hard!!

    What age is your bf? Xx

  • He’s 26 lovely, to be fair he was adamant at first that he did not want to but then I spoke to him yesterday about it and he was very open and honest about how he felt. He said that he does want children but wants to be able to provide for them the kind of future he did not have in his childhood. He wants to. Be able to go travelling with me before having children which I want too so badly but then when I think which one would I rather have if I’d have to choose it would be a family because we can always travel at any age! I think he thinks everything just stops when you have kids :( x x x

  • I have a son who is almost 3 years old, and I can promise you that there is never a “right time” to have a child. They just slot in to your life, and you adapt. They’re only as expensive as you make them. We used cloth nappies, I breastfed (so his food was 100% free for the first six months until he started on solids), used cloth wipes, we didn’t go crazy buying toys and stuff. You can spend thousands, or you can be economic and spend a minimal amount.

    As for travelling, we travel a lot with our son. He has been to New Zealand, Singapore, and Malaysia. He’ll experience Cambodia in December when we go there for Christmas. It’s actually very easy travelling with children. I respect your boyfriend’s desire to want to travel with you, but he shouldn’t rule out travelling with kids.

  • I am sure you are already doing this, but you need to have a serious talk with him about how you feel and what you want. I had my kids at 26 and 30. My husband is the same age as me. It's not too young, especially with this disease, as we know a lot of women have their fertility cut short by it. I had to have a hysterectomy and oophorectomy earlier this year at the age of 39. I was infertile anyway as the disease had destroyed my fallopian tubes, but that's it for me. It is 100% over. My friends have babies and toddlers and I am parenting a teenager, but if we hadn't started early, there would be no children for us.

    At 25 you probably do have a bit of time but it is surprising how quickly that time goes. You are 40 in the blink of an eye. I also want to say to those who say it will be fine, they will get fertility treatment or adopt, that fertility treatment fails far more often than it works (the failure rates for IVF are incredibly high, especially if you are over 35) and adopting is very difficult. You do not need your forever house or a lot of money to have a baby. Life and opportunity does not stop the day you get pregnant. Careers do not end. You work around your children and move forward as a family. As for being ready - you are never ready. Obviously you need the basic stuff - somewhere to live, the ability to support yourselves - but beyond that, the most important thing is your health and fertility and you maximise those by being as young as possible.

    In the meantime there is stuff you can do with regards to working towards getting pregnant - get the referral to the bsge centre, start working towards being as healthy as you can (I know this is hard with this disease). Start a savings account, start taking folic acid, and keep talking. x.

  • Thanks so much for your perspective I might try and talk to my boyf about these points you’ve made. I’m trying to have a gentle approach because I don’t want to push him alway. He spoke yesterday quite open about it and said that he needed to hurry up doing the things he wants to do before having kids but felt that he’s being pressured by time and time is just slipping away which I agree with. I think everyone feels like that. He also said he needs to realise that maybe it’s either have a family with me and compromise or he will be a lonely old man with no kids 😂 he was semi joking....to be fair he was adamant at first that he did not want to have kids now but then I spoke to him yesterday about it and he was very open and honest about how he felt. He said that he does want children but wants to be able to provide for them the kind of future he did not have in his childhood. He wants to. Be able to go travelling with me before having children which I want too so badly but then when I think which one would I rather have if I’d have to choose it would be a family because we can always travel at any age! I think he thinks everything just stops when you have kids :( I think he’s also being naive because he said to me well you say it might take a while to have kids what if we start trying and get pregnant straight away. That’s his mindset that if we have sex once unprotected BAM we will be preggers. Not sure it always works like that lol! x x

  • I had IVF to have my son at 27 (I was 28 when he was born) and was very lucky, I would certainly have more issues now at 31 than I did there due to progression of endo

    I will say that whilst I knew that time wasn't on my side I still waited until I was in the best place that I could have been to have my son , I was very successful in my career a place I knew I could leave and come back too and had seen some of the world, financially able to give him the life I want him to have and whilst I hadn't planned on then I knew I couldn't wait with endo and other issues . Whatever people say about career you can have even after it's true but it's hard work and in my experience you can't and wouldn't want to give it everything you have because their is someone far more important at home. Equally my husband was ok with our decision because it is not just about one person.

    It sounds like he understands your perspective and what is going on and would need to happen sooner than what may have been planned. Can you plan some of these travels you both want to do? Maybe have a year to be you two before sitting down again to discuss?

    You can equally see an IVF clinic even though you haven't been trying and explain where you are, they would happily do your work up for you your GP might help but that depends on your GP . But I would plan that together and go together

  • Hi,

    Yes I felt like this. I was diagnosed with severe endo at 23 which has resulted in several surgies including a bowel resection. I also have PCOS and a bicornate uterus.

    We decided to try for a baby and I fell pregnant at 25. I am now 28 and just had another baby. Just some reassurance, I had no difficulty getting pregnant at all despite my health problems. Endo does not always mean infertility.

    I know how stressful it is though. But you both need to be ready. Me and my husband talked a lot, planned financially etc. I changed my career plans. But I was not going to risk not having children. All you can do is talk to him as the others have said.

    I would push to be referred. BGSE centres are much better and qualified to deal with endo.

    Good luck xx

  • Hi @ ImogenRoseImogenRose

    First, let me start by saying that I am sorry for the predicament you find yourself in. It is true that endometriosis is becoming a problem across the globe and that nearly 5 million people have been affected. The problem is caused by the fact that endometrial tissue travels into the abdomen and when the body releases the hormones, the tissue bleeds out. However, since there is no way it can leave the body, it causes inflammation and irritation of the tissue. The inflammation of the fimbria affects infertility. When the fimbria is inflamed, it picks up the egg and transports it to the fallopian tube, it causes scarring or swelling, and this makes it difficult for the egg to reach its destination. The inflammation may also damage the sperm and the egg. It exposes the egg to the inhospitable environment and could cause adhesion and make the pelvic organ to stick into each other. However, if you are lucky to conceive, it can actually eliminate the problem. The hormone produced makes the endometriosis problem to be resolved. However, when the condition is so severe, it makes conceiving difficult. So in your case, I recommend that you see a doctor and consider having surgery to increase your chances of conceiving. Also, if you conceive, ensure that you breastfeed your child. Breastfeeding has been found to help reduce the problem. Lastly, you should use birth control pills for some time if you want to conceive again.

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