2nd lap required...i think!

[Clairey007]

So...it's a while since I posted and feeling i need the support of you wonderful ladies who know what I'm going through! Apologies, I think this will be a long post!

After feeling for a few months that all is not quite right (no massive amounts of pain, but then I don't and never have suffered much that way), I took myself to the doctors a few weeks ago and asked for a referral back to my consultant. GP duly obliged, and referred for scans too (requirement of hospital referral) - regular ultrasound and a transvaginal internal too. I didn't find the t/v scan too bad, felt a little weird when the sonographer was moving it around, but generally fine. Results were: 5cm 'cyst' (probably an endometrioma) on my left ovary, right ovary was playing hide and seek - sonographer couldn't see it on either the external or internal scan, and said (twice) 'no news is good news when it comes to the ovaries'...so not holding out much hope that there's nothing on it (it was the right I had cysts on two years ago, nothing on the left that time). She also said I had a tilted uterus, but that's fairly normal as they move around and it could relocate back into the correct position (whatever that is).

When I told one of my friends, instead of the 'aww, that's shit, but at least you know what it is' response, she asked how I felt about it. Took me a day or so to reply because I genuinely wasn't sure (and still aren't) - keep flipping between "it is what it is"/resignation to the fact that it's back, and being angry/upset/frustrated by it. My Mum helpfully said last night that other people have it worse...while I know her heart's in the right place and that's what she thinks with regard to her own health issues, it's not what I think right now, and neither is it how I feel. All I can think of is how much it's going to affect my exercise regime if I have to have another lap (which I'm fully expecting will be the outcome of my appt with my consultant in September). 2-3weeks of no exercise, then probably just swimming and spin for a few weeks...god knows how long it'll be before I'll be able to start running again, or doing any strength/conditioning classes or gym work.

I can deal with how it'll affect work, but I love my exercise as it plays a large part in helping me feel better and deal with everything, both physically and mentally (I have depression/anxiety too). I know 3wks isn't a long time in the grand scheme of things, especially when compared to breaking a limb or having a bad accident, and not being able to exercise at all for that time may only figuratively kill me, but that's bad enough (not too mention being annoying for everyone else to hear me complaining about it)!

Currently can't decide if I need a punchbag to take out my frustrations on, or curl up in a heap on the floor and cry...neither of which is currently possible as I'm at work!

Sorry for the rant ladies, just needed to get it all out.

xxxxx

[weekari]

Hey, so sorry to hear that you're struggling again. I really just want to say that you have every right to feel whatever you're feeling. You probably do feel both very angry and very sad that you're facing this again (and maybe even scared?) . Emotions are normal and it's not good to keep them held in. So go punch a punch bag while visualising that bloody endo and also give yourself the chance to curl up and cry your eyes out. You'll need to let it out.

People do mean we'll when they say all those things but it really doesn't help. If you don't have anyone around you who will let you just vent without trying to cheer you up or take your mind off it, then just keep venting on here. We all understand!

I totally get the exercise thing. It was my main way of coping with life (although I a bit too obsessed) and when I started to get ill 4 years ago, I was so devastated that I couldn't do it any more. I struggle with a 20 min walk, never mind pumping iron! But what I did find instead was yoga and it has changed my life in so many ways. When I'm having better days, I can do it a bit more energetically or for longer but when I'm struggling, I go slow and gentle and it helps me so much. Sometimes it's just finding the right type of yoga for you.

I hope you're doing ok but you're allowed to not feel OK! Xx

[Clairey007 in reply to weekari]

Thanks, always helps to know there's someone who truly understands. My friends are great, but there's only a few of them who I feel comfortable venting to about it. I used to think it was unfair and a bit cliched to say that someone couldn't understand something unless they have actually had or experienced it, but it's totally true. I try not to say it to people still, but sometimes there's nothing else to say, when there aren't words to really express how you feel to someone who doesn't have it, it's just easier to stay quiet, say "I'm fine" or just grin and bear it.

I don't know what I'll do if I get to the point where I can't go for a run or swim, or do a spin or body pump class. I also do body balance which is combo of yoga, pilates and tai chi. I love it, but do struggle sometimes, especially with the abdominal tracks. I did yoga again for like the second time a couple of weeks ago, and found it really helped so will try and do it more often - it's a more relaxing type I think, and I know the instructor as well which helps. I do enjoy the vinyasa style as it flows and I find it more relaxing than the more energetic stuff. I just hope that I'll recover a little quicker if I have to have another lap because I am fitter than I was last time.

xx

[Hawkeye90]

Hey, I totally understand how you are feeling, I found out 2 weeks ago I have to go for my 2nd lap in a couple of days.

How your feeling is totally understandable and will be a whole bunch of different feelings, it deffo helps to get them all out and rant away as much as you need, i know I find it helps getting it all out instead of keeping it in.

It does all feel unfair and endo is such a horrid disease and it affects all us women in so many different ways.

Also important to remember is you have people who I'm sure love you and care about you and all the ladies on here too who all totally understand what you are going through, you are not alone and with living with endo makes you a strong women and have people who will help and support you in anyway then can so you don't have to do this on your own xx

[Clairey007 in reply to Hawkeye90]

Hey, thanks for your kind words.

It's so true, it affects everyone differently. Sometimes, I've doubted I even have it because I don't get the pain levels that others do, but then I know not every woman suffers that way. For me, it's very much fatigue that I suffer with, and it's the thing I struggle and find most frustrating about this horrible condition.

I'm doing this fantastic nutritional cleansing programme, been on it since February and it's really helped me in so many ways, but even with the amazing products included for helping with energy, endo-fatigue STILL really affects me...arghhhh! I tell people I'm tired, but they don't understand that's it's not the 'normal' type of tiredness, it's sooo much more than that, but is equally really difficult to describe.

I do have people who love and care and support me, which I am so utterly grateful for. It's just difficult for them to understand, I know they're advice is well meaning and comes from a place of love/care/support, but sometimes it comes at the wrong time, or just isn't helpful.

So so grateful to have found this forum of like-minded women, going through the same thing as me, who understand what it means and how difficult it is.

Xxx