I just need a vent

[Nicolarose]

Currently I feel I have nobody to speak to, who would actually care. My brain feels like it's going to explode so I'll just explode here lol.

I'm the middle child, but I'm the one with my shit together. I'm active, I bodybuild/powerlift, do cardio, my diet isn't perfect but it's not a car crash either. I've worked so hard for 2 years to get my pharmacy technician qualification (off my own back), and jumped straight to a senior position because I smashed it, to be blunt. I worked fucking hard so I deserved it. On top of this I've had to go back and forth to the doctors about constant stomach pains. The bloat is insane, I can't sit or stand comfortably, the pain can take my breathe away and question wether I need to throw up or poop myself. It's all because of endometriosis. I can't poop without pain, my stomach is always looking pregnant so I can't feel confident in anything. It hurts to have sex most the time but I have to pretend it doesn't so my marriage doesn't break down.

This is a big mope, I'm due in a couple days so that's probably why haha I'm not normally like this when I'm myself.

My sister is lazy, she plus computer games, eats shit, doesn't do any exercise and has a job that was handed to her. In the house she does no housework, I do everything even tho I don't do it often because I'm fed up of being the only one who does anything. I'm out of the house at 5, I'm home at 7/8.

Most days I am tired, I'm fed up and upset because of constant pain.

My sister gets something called costoconditis and all of sudden the world moves for her. I have no sympathy. I feel like an utter bitch and I hate myself for it. But my brain just thinks oh man up, you got life easy. I hate that I think that and I really try to stop it.

My husband doesn't like to get involved when I'm having a shit mental day. I have an eating disorder mixed with anxiety depression blah blah whatever. I don't care for names. I get sad and angry and I cry, I beat myself up (sometimes literally). And he doesn't want to know. I tell him I'm struggling and he doesn't think to help. He says I don't ask for it. He gets down too, and when he does he doesn't ask for help, yet I'm there holding him and wiping his snotty nose until he's ok.

Nobody seems to give a shit about my achievements or when I'm struggling. And that's the harsh reality of the world. You deserve nothing, unless you work for it. But sometimes I just don't want to work so hard. I want to be lazy. I want to not care about every damn thing in my life and I want to just be ok.

None of this probably made any sense. Heyho, my tummy hurts and I'll just keep drinking this mocha that I'm terribly disappointed with

[Judan]

It's hard for you, especially with your health at the moment.

Sounds like you have achieved a lot through hard work and determination, and should be proud of yourself.

You need to concentrate on putting yourself first, try to ignore others, and get yourself back to being healthy take care and big hugs xxxxx

[Nicolarose in reply to Judan]

Xxx

[Hidden]

I understand this low feeling. Especially the helping everyone else, but all you get back in return is nothing but criticism and told to pull yourself together then you feel like you are falling apart.

It's like others just do not know how to cope when we are not the strong ones for them. Sometimes all we need is for someone to tell us that we will be ok and to give us a hug. But in reality all we get is selfishness from people who we hoped would be there for us in our hours of need as we are there for them. I hope you are having a good day today. I send you a big hug and congratulations on all your achievements. You are stronger than you know and you are just having a low day today. I hope the ride of roller coaster emotions calm down soon and I hope you come out the other side ok. It sounds like this is a side effect of the endometriosis.

[Nicolarose in reply to Hidden]

Thank you.

[Ally_1]

Hi Nicolarose I just want to send you a big hug. Life is hard. For everyone. It's just that we live in our head and we see the others only from the outside. We see what they want to show. I've been angry, furious!! Thinking that I eat well, I exercise, I tried to take care of myself.. And other people seems to be just happier. Or worst, maybe they are ill, like me or more than me, but they seem cool... I decided to stop beating up myself. I decided to embrace myself, I think that was al that trying to please, to achieve, to be perfect that make me ill. Now I'm just me, anxious and vulnerable.

Take care of yourself xx

[Nicolarose in reply to Ally_1]

<3