Feeling confused...

[F10NA2]

So as the years have gone by I have become more and more upset about me not being able to conceive naturally however lately I have been feeling so angry with everything and everyone and now I feel like i don't want a baby anymore because of my age and what it might do to my health I feel quite selfish saying this but I don't want to go through any of this any more, I'm sick or feeling like shit, feeling guilty for being infertile and just stressing constantly wondering if it will happen. I just wish someone would take everything out and that way I feel I would be able to feel more at peace with myself where as at the moment all I'm doing is tormenting myself with thoughts! I know this probably sounds really stupid but I just needed to put it in words

X

[endopains]

Maybe you do abandon your pregnancy plans. What's to say you can't adopt? It may sound like I'm giving you an insensitive answer but I am not. It would take all the 'failure' feelings and the difficulty of pregnancy out of the equation. Instead of the indefinite challenge without ever knowing, you would receive a child that needs you. You would be fulfilling a purpose in this horrible journey to give a child a happier life.

Or maybe abandon all baby plans - no one said every one has to have a baby. Sometimes just hearing that helps realise there's no pressure from elsewhere - you're doing it for you. I would say give yourself a break. I know it's hard when you feel time pressured but it doesn't have to be long. Just enough time to stop feeling like a baby machine that doesn't work. You're so much more as a person.

[F10NA2 in reply to endopains]

Thank you so much for your reply, the options are there but at the moment endo kinda has a hold on my life, not a day passes where I'm not affected by it and it makes me so poorly and tired xxxx

[AJJ123]

I know exactly how you feel. I’ve exhausted everything and if this doesn’t work then I’m going to go on the pill to take any chances out of the equation.

It’s absolute psychological torture, everyone else seems to get there in the end. I always feel like I’m the last one standing.

The way I look at is ppl may get pregnant easier than me, but I have things about me they don’t have and never will.

Never forget your worth, ok we’re struggling with fertility but look at the whole picture.

That’s how I’m going to get through this and you will too.

Xx

[F10NA2 in reply to AJJ123]

That is an awesome way of looking things and you should be proud of allowing yourself to think so positively!! I'm also thinking of going back to the pill because after.6 years of trying it's not happened and all I have is pain day in day out, diarrhoea and vomiting and other issues! Stage 4 endo on bowel and uterus is no fun! Xxx

[kelsbels88 in reply to F10NA2]

It does not sound stupid at all.

I too have similar endo to you (bowel and ovaries, blocked tube) I have definitely had days where I’ve told my hubby I’m going bk on the pill but we really want to be parents and it’s proving a very difficult journey. They don’t prepare you for TTC. We definitely had a naivety going into TTC. Everyone around us had found it so easy we didn’t think there’d be any issues.

I still have days where I struggle to get up and go to work (I’m a nursery nurse) facing babies and children everyday isn’t easy although sometimes therapeutic.

I think regardless you have to do what’s best for you if you decide to stop that’s ok although if you decide to carry on that’s also ok. You need to focus on you and what you want, quality of life I’m learning is far more important. I really hope you find a little peace and make the decision that’s best for you xxx

[weekari]

You're absolutely allowed to feel all of these feelings. You're not selfish for wanting a full and happy life and if letting go of your desire to have a child would let you live your life more, be more in the present and possibly be more healthy, then that sounds like a perfectly reasonable decision. Not at all selfish. We as women, are not only on this earth to produce children. We can have a hugely worthwhile life without doing that.

In my opinion, I think you're in the process of healing from your loss and moving through the grieving process, towards acceptance. It's really good for you to feel all that you feel; the sadness, fear, anger, guilt, shame... Whatever, you're allowed to feel it and you'll be helping yourself (and everyone around you) by feeling it all.

Sending you healing vibes xx

[F10NA2 in reply to weekari]

Why does it feel like everything is against us? I feel like the world is trying to push me to see what my limits are and I'm very close to breaking point xxxx

[weekari in reply to F10NA2]

I know. Its just bloody awful.

But what if life isn't pushing you to reach your limits but is pushing you to see something that you aren't aware of just yet?

If life's taught me anything, it's that once you get through these moments, that you end up with something pretty amazing. I'm in one of those rubbish places just now myself but I do trust that something good is coming and just believing in that helps.

I shared with someone recently that I felt like everything was a mess, I was a mess, my entire life was a mess and she suggested this book 'when things fall apart' by Pema Chodron. I'm just about to start it but it's apparently amazing and helps for getting through life's tough moments.

You can get through this. Xx

[Hidden]

I’m sorry to hear of your struggles. I have had all those feelings you are experiencing. Such an awful journey. I could’ve written this post myself.

It took us a long time to diagnose my endometriosis ( nearly 6 years of trying) & we after my first lap suffered a chemical pregnancy I felt upset & angry at the world. My endometriosis also re grew & this year I’ve had 2 more laps ( last one by a endometriosis specialist) and I’m now 5 weeks pregnant after 7 years and I month of ttc. It can happen 😊

I do not know where you are in terms of trying or endometriosis ( it doesn’t always affect fertility) but I would suggest a laparoscopy to see if the endo is impacting on the fertility side of things as a good starting point.

There is also a fertility network which are full of supportive ladies going through this.

I wish you every success xoxo

[F10NA2 in reply to Hidden]

Thank you so much, and I want to say congratulations on the pregnancy 😘 I'm stage 4 endo, it is affect my uterus and bowel, I feel that life is testing me to the max at the moment so I'm going to try and relax a little, easier said than done as you know xxxx

[Hidden in reply to F10NA2]

Thank you.

Sorry to hear it’s severe endo. Like going through infertility isn’t hard enough having to deal with endo on top of that 🤦🏽‍♀️ I think you should get referred to an endo specialist to treat this endo especially as it’s causing you unpleasant symptoms & is stage 4.

I have no idea of my stage but as it was all over my rectum as well POD & uterus ligaments 😱I was referred by my fertility doctor to an endometriosis specialist. I swear having all the endo cleared out made the difference. Certainly eased my endo symptoms ( I had every symptom you can have so sympathetic to your symptoms it’s very grim & all specialist wants you to do is go on the pill blah blah) 🤦🏽‍♀️

Because of the 2 surgeries this year I was forced to take a break from trying & did me the world of good, I didn’t realise how stressed I’d become. 🙂

People say “relax & it’ll happen” and that’s crap because how on earth can you “relax” when you really want a baby & been trying years ?! 🤦🏽‍♀️

I would take time for you & do nice things for you & enjoy days out/breaks away with your hubby. Be kind to you you matter too ❤️ xoxo

[AllthatGlitters]

Hi I would say to concentrate on the things that you do have, hopefully a nice partner, friends, bright future ahead of you ..... stop thinking about what you DONT have. ‘This works for me.

Everyone I know who has kids constantly moans about the expense, lack of sleep, life not being their own. Some even tell me never to have kids.

When you are feeling down about this, have a rant on here & the lovely ladies on here will help & also go and do things that you enjoy, meet a friend, put your favourite song on. Anything to help you stop dwelling on what your body can’t do. Hope that helps 💕

If you need to chat you can pm me x

[F10NA2 in reply to AllthatGlitters]

Hello, thank you! Thankfully I have an amazing husband, parents and best friend! It's funny because someone else said to me the same about all parents do is moan lol I absolutely love music and I do listen to a lot of it as it helps with my anxiety/Depression.

Obviously I'm not sure of your story but i hope you are well and likewise you can always message me to

Thanks again 😘 x

[AllthatGlitters in reply to F10NA2]

Yes I struggled with this issue to, at times I still do. Do you have any nieces or nephews that you can be a very good aunt to? I know it’s not exactly the same but may help x

[kerri-]

Ive had all these feelings and the anger is unlike anything I had felt before.

I took me awhile but I had to except that maybe it wont happen therapy helped and i have a dog to give all my motherly love to.

Ive felt more at peace thinking it wont happen than to feel all the guilt and shame pushing for it to happen.

Hope you get to the point where you can feel at peace with it , its taken me 3 years and there is still hope x