This is a serious topic and i know even the thought of this questions may offend. Yes, I do have a child and i know it may be easier to question this when you already have a family but, I wish I had thought about the negative side to making this decision. Don’t think for one minute i regret having my son because i don’t! but now, experiencing the worst side of this situation, i wish i had thought about it more!
We are often told by consultants that pregnancy eases symptoms and can prolong the return of the disease for years. They paint such a wonderful picture of the possibility that you can have children and that things will be better. Knowing now that there is a downside to this picture and that i am unable to look after my son, i wish I had considered this question more.
To put context to my blog, I have stage 3 endometriosis which is aggressive, widespread, deep and fast growing, affecting organs outside of the reproductive area. After my third surgery i was told that, if i wanted children i should have them now as i may not get another chance, but not once did my consultant say, that i should think seriously about this because, it is also possible that symptoms could return in a month as easily as they could be delayed for years. This was never mentioned!
My son is now 2 years old and since he was born, i have struggled to look after him. Not only did the pain from my endometriosis carry on until i was 7.5 months pregnant but, i also i had to endure the pain of adhesions ripping apart as my uterus grew throughout pregnancy. Even during the birth, my midwife said the pain should be in my back not in my ovaries, as she ordered me an epidural!! After my son was born, the pain returned the very next day and I was put back on high strength pain killers. I could not breastfeed my son. The endometriosis returned in one month and by the time my son was 6 months old, i could no longer care for him. I was bed ridden! Was it fair that i made this decision not thinking about what could happen?
My husband is now my sole carer and acts like a single father to my son. Even now, after a forth surgery, i am still in debilitating, chronic pain, that means that for 26-28 days a month i am bed ridden and my husband is left to hold the fort. My son runs to my husband and kisses him with ease but treats me differently. I suppose he does not see me as his parent, someone who carers for him, gets him up in the morning and puts him to bed at night. Indeed my son often greets me in bed. If he didn’t, i would not see him. Is that fair on my son to only grow up playing and being cared for by one parent? Is it fair on my husband to sacrifice a normal life for this?
Don’t think for one minute i regret having my son, because i don’t! He is amazing and it is a wonderful experience to watch him grow and learn and become a little man, just like his father. However, having now experienced the worst side of this situation, i wish i had thought about the difficulties my family would endure and the sacrifices we would have to make. I just wish that someone had discussed this with me so, that my husband and I could make the decision with our eyes wide open! Instead, I am now bitter and i wish i could blame someone for what has happened.
With the knowledge of my situation, my consultant asked if i wanted a second child and I’m not sure what to say. My heart still says yes because i want my son to have a sibling; i have always wanted a girl and 2 is the perfect number. My head thinks I’m crazy and asks whether it’s fair to make family life even harder than it is now, especially for my husband who takes on the worst of our situation. Yet my consultant keeps telling me that i should try again because, there is no reason to think that what happened the first time, would happen again. Should doctors be giving this advice when they don’t talk about how to cope if the worst happens?
I am writing this at 2.30 in the morning because, i am desperately low and feel guilty for the decisions i have made. I just wanted to put this out there, as it is taboo to think about the worst, when asked if you want children.