Concerns

[TraceyC1]

Hi

I need to ramble as I seem to have a lot of thoughts going round in my head since endometriosis found in Laparoscopy 1st June.

What I'm now wondering is has that endometriosis been there and no one from previous gynaecologists checked or thought to offer me a laparoscopy. I just thinking of the fertility drugs, then Ivf and two attempts of Donor egg treatments we paid to have done in Barcelona. None of that stood a chance if I had endometriosis would it?

All that stress and money wasted the checks I had for fertility was a D&C and to check my tubes weren't blocked. Which after tube dye led to the D&C as thought I had a polyp but during D&C nothing found. I was in my late twenties early thirties when started trying for a baby with no luck for about a year. I have always suffered badly with periods and hormone imbalances. I had previous grade 4 abnormal cells early twenties and those cells removed as in Day clinic local hospital. But what keeps going round in my head now is why didn't they do a laparoscopy?

What if endometriosis always been there or is this new to me?

I'm due back at the gynaecologist department in August and although it isn't this gynaecologist fault he sadly will get all my questions. And hopefully can give me some answers however I know he won't be able to say if endometriosis was there or not I suppose. But I feel I have to ask its not that I want a baby now I as I in my early 40s I have gone past that which is helped greatly by having a lovely adopted daughter now 10 years old. I have so far had about 5 years so far being a mummy it has been an adventure so far and I wouldn't swop this experience with her for the world. I love her so much and it's like she was ment to be with us.

But I had a terrible time emotionally after each failed treatment I was ok going threw it. I had at that time a demanding job and looking back I think that helped as I had to keep going! Not that I was suicidal but I do remember not being myself just dazed and perhaps a little low but not depressed as one GP informed me on one appointment. At one point I was v wry angry with my body I went to my GP in my thirties and asked for her to refer me to have a hysterectomy. Her reply was I was depressed to me my anger was well placed she didn't seem to agree and wrote on my notes that I was depressed as I found out few years later when trying to adopt.

I made it clear to that GP who did my medical I was not depressed just angry 😡. I had also been told by my last employer I was angry not depressed but I was grieving for not being able to conceive. She said it was ok to be angry and with any loss there will be many emotions etc. That was the first time I had thought of my infertility that way she was a very firm but fair boss and very understanding. It's rare to get that but I later found she had years of failed attempts to conceive. So I am grateful to her for her kindness, cause even though I work with other women now in a different job I have never found any one as understanding.

But the anger with my own body is over or so I thought till told I had endometriosis and cysts and kissing overies and all stuck together!!! What's swirling round and round is what if this or that??

What if endometriosis always been there and I wouldn't know I have always had very painful heavy periods. On odd times no periods but if any missed when they do come back they are v v v heavy I flood. I only ended back in gynaecology last year as my periods disappeared for three months I thought early menapause. But my Hormone level test was 8. lol it's never been an 8 in any treatments I had that level always been much higher sadly. So an 8!!!!l

But after the three month my periods did return but I was back under gynaecologist by then having lots of tests. And my laparoscopy hence all these questions in my head. I know I have to wait till August and sadly I know I won't get all the answers I want or in fact need but I have to ask him. That will be one appointment I will be going to by myself I deal better with appointments on my own even though my family find that hard to accept.

Sorry I know again as usual I have rambled but I really thought I had put all these emotions to bed so to speak a long time ago with infertility. But now I can't get past what's going round and round!

At moment as writing this I sitting in GP car park waiting for my 9.40 am appointment. I had to cue outside to get it now if I move my car I won't get back in as small car park & the new booking system is crap. They say ring at 8.30am for morning appointment but when I ring I get told none left. Then told ring back 12.30pm as loads so if you ask can you book me in etc while I on phone you get told no ring back lol then I ring and get told no all gone for pm. So now to save myself becoming abusive verbally out of frustration to the receptionist I arrive before 8.30am cue and wait for doors to open then get the first appointment of 9.40am. It's a crap system the old system was much better I not only one who complained either lol any way I am here cause I did bombard my gynaecologist secretary with some health issues since laparoscopy. She kindly rang me back and I told to see my GP ASAP so hear I am I have very swollen feet and ankles much worse than ever before. And my bloated stomach he thinks it's my bowel but I don't feel constipated any more but as the day goes on or following a meal my stomach bloats out and I look like 9 months pregnant. That pregnancy look I hate as I fat and gained a lot of weight so with that bloated look I look fit to pop!

And I get the look from people which I don't know and I think they looking at me and thinking I'm pregnant lol and I pray no one says are you pregnant lol cause when that has happened at work and my reply is no. I have been asked if I was sure!!!!! To this I politely say 'I'm sure etc' and then I get the extended comments. So I think in a moment when I see the GP I will get more laxatives which I already have a cupboard full & I think I going to get water pills. If they offer me Naproxen I might scream as they don't work on my swollen feet lol and neither does ibuprofen. I do think I need water pills but with that will mean toilet problems and I only just stopped using Tena lady pads for problems holding onto urine. I have to admit at mo I just think what next?!

Sorry if any one reading this I really just needed to ramble on. Kinda put down what's in my head but if you have managed to read it all and made sense of my rambling lol thank u xx

[Jaas1]

That was a very long essay! It seems like you have had next to nothing luck but as I read on I began to relies that even though you have been knocked back so many times, you are still here fighting which I admire and it gave me strength to read this!

All I want to say is that I am sorry for what you are going through, but I can tell that you are not going to give up and rightly so! I am in my early 20's and I am getting married in a couple of weeks and I fear my endometriosis is coming back as I can feel a pull in my lower abdomen and I do think it is down to stress mostly. I too have a bloated stomach and I have had one since I was around 13/14. I was diagnosed with IBS but nothing was done about this. I went to see a bowel specialist after my lap for endo and he told me I was fine and all the tests came back fine. I visit the toilet frequently (loose stools) and sometimes I get pain in my left abdomen. I really want to get rid of my bloatingness but I'm apparently fine?

Not sure where to go with this and if I should go back to see my surgeon who removed my endometriosis but your strength empowers me so well done and carry on! x

[TraceyC1 in reply to Jaas1]

Hi Jaas1

I know it was long wasn't it lol it's how I have been feeling last few wks. I think my emotions be worse end of month when my period starts. I be more weepy I fear lol 😂 I will pre warn every one to be on guard and that I won't mean to be mean if I am or weepy.

I just hoping at mo my feet and ankles reduce to a relatively normal size as work next wk. 11.5hours of night duty where I walk around only sit for few hours if lucky!

I'm sure my mood will improve in time. Thank u for taking time to read and reply. I hope you are ok ibs is the worst my sister suffers from that I myself suffer from constipation at the best of times. But IBS is much much worse that I don't envy you. I hope your bloatedness improves I have started water tablets low dose so helping it helps. I'm sorry I so late replying to you. I will be talking to my gynaecologist when I go back in August my GP wasn't much help. I would advice if you need answer to contact your Gynaecologist or surgeons secretary. Ask the questions and see if she can find out for you.

Thank you 😊 for messaging me back and reading my rambles. Xx