Having a bad time

Life is to short to argue all the time, he told me that he doesn't want to be with me anymore and that I bring him down. It felt like someone had ripped my hart out that second. I bring him down because I'm unwell mentally and physically. My illness has made me unstable and all I crave for is stability. I'm in so much pain and I feel so alone. I'm sick of going through so much pain with this illness. I don't no what to do for the best. I love him and I should let him go as he deserves happiness and a woman that he can take out and that won't be unwell all the time. He deserves a family that I can not give him. It's so hard having this weight on my shoulders all the time. I feel like I'm going crazy my hormones are all over the place. One minuet I'm happy then the next I'm sad. I will just start crying out the blue for no reason. I get anxious around people all the time to the point I can't say the right words or stutter. People judge me as I look ok but I'm in so much pain. I feel I have no one not even him because he don't want to see me in pain. I'm so scared I'm going to have a break down and my job is at risk because of this illness. I have horrible crazy thoughts of suicide the only thing that stops me from harming my self is my niece and nephews. It's tough, I can not go to the Drs because they will decline my IVF referral as I will be classed as unstable. I just want to be better and I want him to love me again. I am only 27 but I feel so old and fatigue. I need a break from my life but just don't no how I will ever get one as I am in pain constantly because of the endometriosis.

7 Replies

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  • O darling I'm so sorry your going through this, it's a very hard situation for everyone involved, men find it very hard as they want to protect us as they feel it's their job, but there is very little any one can do, I know how frustrated my husband gets, and then we feel guilty as we feel we are holding them back,

    Stay possitive as much as possible,

    Are you being seen by a specialist at a BSGE centre? Have you had full excision surgery?

    Isn't it possible to tell your doctor you are feeling anxious, maybe he could give you something to help, I'm sure it wouldn't go against anything to do with your IVF,

    Try to take some time to do something that you can both enjoy together, maybe a takeaway and a film if your not well enough to go out, and try explaining your feelings,

    I wish you all the luck in the world.

    Xxx

  • Hi ,you really need to go see your GP. I was so low I couldn't get out of bed and every minute felt like agony. You need help, you are going through a really awful and tough time. I had extreme anxiety.

    I have accessed counselling too to help with my reaction to the endo and my infertility. It shouldn't go against your IVF. Be kind to yourself it is so hard being in pain all the time. Sending you loads of hugs and really hope that tomorrow is better. Please get the help and support you need xxx

  • Hi love

    So sorry to read how down you feel but equally it is a normal response to what you are going through

    The endometriosis is enough to cope with without having to deal with angst in the relationship . One thing that may be useful is to ask your partner how he would feel if his fertility parts and insides were stuck and in a mess , would he feel up to several forms of activities . The thing is , he has a choice to stay , if he stays , he shouldn't put you down for that . You shouldn't feel grateful he is there or guilty for being ill . You are your priority , your well being and health . It is important you speak to your GP , anxiety and low mood is very common with endometriosis and fertility issues , they go hand in hand so clinics are aware of this impact .

    Please seek support and nurture yourself x

  • Thank you so much I will see if I can get a Drs appointment for next week. It is so hard I just keep saying to myself when is this going to stop, when am I going to feel normal again? It's hard because my partner is all I have got and I need him to stay strong for me before my illness he was a loving person. He treated me like a princes and made me feel loved like no one else has ever done. But now it's like that man has gone, he's always moaning at me because sometimes I can't get up in the morning or because I complain about my pain. I just wish he would understand what I'm going through. It's like he thinks I'm a hypochondriac or making it up because he always says to me you can't be that unwell or there is something different with you all the time. It's hard aswell as I have to work with this pain and I am on my last warning at work because of the time I have had off with this disease. I just wish it was recognised as a disability then when I need a break I can have one. I'm in a better mood this morning anyway.

  • Hun, what you are going through now is like reading my own story a few years ago. Diagnosed in 2013 after 4 years of just life debilitating pain, exhaustion and emotional pain. My partner at the time told me 'you'll be ok' at that very minute I realized There was no 'we' anymore he had 3 children from a prior broken down relationship and He longed for another child to be in a secure family unit. With me it was never going to be simple and he pulled away from me. I wanted to die. I thought 'who's going to want me now, I'm 26 can't have kids and have a chronic pain condition' I told my friend one night that I didn't want to wake up tomorrow because it hurt too much. For a while I felt this way until I thought it was time I got my shit together. And I did I quit my job as a solicitor, started my own business and made my life as busy and as hectic as I could so I didn't have chance to think about pain. But I also didn't think about him. After a while I met someone he was amazing and supportive but I just didn't open my heart. I'd been hurt too much and that broke down too. In the mean time I've been back and forth to consultants diagnosed with fibromyalgia and told my endo is back and they can't do anything more for me. And just last month, 3 years after all of this started I gave reiki a go. Honestly it's been better than any pain killer, nerve blocker or anti depressants. I feel fantastic I'm not in pain, I'm sleeping!!! Which after 5 years of a couple of hours a night is amazing! My heart feels lighter and I have a completely different attitude to life! A positive one. I highly recommend it.

    I hope everything works itself out for you. Just keep telling yourself the past is the past it should be kept behind you and don't waste precious energy dwelling on it. The future isn't here yet so don't worry about it. Live for today and tell yourself today I will be happy, I will be hopeful and I won't let things out of my control bring me down.

    Lots of love and well wishes. Keep your chin up xxxx

  • Oh hun I'm so sorry to hear what your going through, I can can really emphasise with you. This disease almost cost me my marriage as I have felt like a let down to him and my girls. I walked out of the family home last November, not because I don't love them but was suffering both physically and mentally. I missed Christmas with them because I was so low. I actually took an overdose of sleeping tablets Jan most stupid thing I've ever done. Please go and see you're gp, tell them what's going on and how you're feeling and don't be afraid of asking for anti depressants. Sending you lots of love ❤ take care xx

  • Hi, I went through the same thing with my ex fiance. It was horrible. I really loved the guy but I was always unwell. He was tired with it and annoyed with me being unwell. He wanted a normal partner. Especially one that could give him children. We went through two rounds of IVF and the first round ended in a miscarriage and me losing two embryos. The second round I miscarried one embryo and had the other one ending in an ectopic pregnancy where I needed Methotrexate!! It was very scary and I was in agony throughout both rounds of IVF and both of the short term pregnancies.

    It was too much for him so he asked me to leave. I had to find a flat and move out.

    I then changed my diet to the paleo diet which helps me lots with my energy levels, my skin cleared up and I lost 3kg. Now I have always been very petit and small but I feel better and get a better nights sleep. My pain has also decreased a lot and now I only have pain during my period and ovulation!

    I don't ever eat anything with sugar, cows milk, grains in it and of course no processed food. I have always been wheat, gluten and lactose intolerant so sticking to this diet isn't too hard.

    I also take Coenzyme Q10, extra Vitamin D and a multivitamin with Iron & Magnesium in it which helps too.

    Serrapeptase helps with inflammation and pain too.

    Oh and I started seeing a great guy that couldn't care less about my infertility!! He is very supportive, loving and caring and would be happy to adopt with me in the future! Now this is the kind of guy you want in your life. Someone that loves you the way you are and someone that overcomes hurdles with you.

    Not someone that thinks you're too much work or too much hassle to be around with!

    I also only work 3,5-4 days per week but I make the best of it and try my best to get by. Changing my diet drastically and making sure to take good care of myself has helped a lot.

    IVF is extremely hard on your body and emotions. So only ever do it with the right guy as you both need the strength to support each other through it!

    Also get checked for uterine high natural killer cells!!!! It's a biopsy test. I lost my first pregnancy as I have a very high count of over 25.5% this means the cells in my uterus kills off the embryos and it's common in ladies with Endo.

    There is a treatment for it which is basically steroids and clexane but you have to get the test done private as you won't get it on the NHS.

    Good luck with everything! X

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