Hi, I'm in the process of being diagnosed with endometriosis, which I'm hoping will bring some validation to all of the pain and other symptoms I've been experiencing for years.
I'm in my mid twenties and recently broke up with my partner of two years. One of the reasons was because of my low libido due to pain and discomfort during sex. During our relationship, I tried so many different things to balance having a healthy relationship and looking after my body, before realising my symptoms align with those of endometriosis and embarking on the lengthy process of diagnosis.
Initially, my partner said all the right things, looked after me when I was feeling poorly etc., until he said unless things changed soon, he would start looking for sex elsewhere... which broke my heart. He also said my diagnosis was delaying other plans we had for travel and the waiting around was getting to him. I don't really have a question as such, just looking for some support/words of wisdom from others who have experienced a similar situation.
I don't want to associate being intimate with someone with pain, discomfort, guilt and disappointment so I removed myself from the relationship to put myself first. But now I'm the only one shouldering this and it feels like an enormous weight to bear alone. Every time I have a spasm of pain that leaves me floored, it reminds me of the lack of patience he had with me and makes me feel like my body let me down, which I really don't want to feel.
Any support/thoughts would be greatly appreciated.
Much love
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I am so sorry. I respect you for taking care of yourself and putting yourself and your health and well being first.
"...unless things changed soon, he would start looking for sex elsewhere." - Wow, this reads as quite punitive to me. No one should be pressured in any way into any activity that is going to cause pain or potentially worsen health/symptoms. It sounds like he was giving you an ultimatum over a health matter which is out of your control.
It's not your fault you are dealing with this disease (and the process of getting a proper diagnosis, which can be easier said than done). You are addressing your health/symptoms and deserve support.
You deserve patience and kindness. You deserve to heal and be in the company of people who support your healing.
A partner who can't show you empathy when you are ill is more potential stress on a nervous system which is already stressed. You deserve to heal and be supported.
Thank you for your reply and for your recognition surrounding my partner's behaviour... I've gone from being in disbelief that he actually said this to slowly accepting that it really is out of my control - frustrating as it is. Thank you immensely for your words about deserving patience and kindness and your wisdom re stress! I hadn't clicked before my initial consultation that this was going to be a long and stressful road so eliminating other stressors makes so much sense. ☺️
I have no advice really, I just wanted to reach out and send all my love and say I’m so sorry.
Dealing with these symptoms as well as the impact the diagnosis process can have is bad enough, without the guilt and worry added to you, by your partner.
It hurts now for sure but it sounds as if you’ll have less stress in your life without him.
If you need to talk, or just feel less alone for a time, please feel free to reach out. X
Thank you for your message and for the love! Yes to no stress! I really appreciate your words and kindness. I may take you up on your kind offer and reach out at some point ☺️
just wanted to chime in and agree with the above comments! You deserve so much more, we all do. Whilst it is heartbreaking and really hard to go through you will inevitably be better off without him in the long run!
There are amazing good, caring men out there! And we all deserve to be with them!
I’ve had some bad partners that belittled my pain, sexually manipulated me and treated me badly so much that I believed it was all in my head and all my fault! I now in hindsight realise none of it was and I am so happy I walked away from them all! I was convinced I wouldn’t ever find anyone who really saw me, who would try and understand and genuinely care. But I realised I would rather be alone and bear the burden than be with someone who made me feel worse about myself! For a while I was alone, anyone that made me feel bad about myself or treated me badly got canned, I stuck to my mantra of ‘id rather be wholly alone, than half way happy with someone’…It was tough, lonely and I got pretty depressed and desperate sometimes but now..
I’ve found someone who if he could he’d move mountains to take my pain away. I am so scarred from previous partners that I ‘lie’ about the pain I’m in and mostly shrug ‘I’m fine or I’m okay’ when I’m really not but he sees right through it and takes care of me the way I deserve to be looked after.
You deserve this kind of love.
You deserve this kind of care.
We all do.
Men can be shit. Relationships can be shit. But unlike having this shit disease you can choose what man you have in your life and what kind of relationship you have! Don’t settle for someone that hasn’t got your health, your heart or your mind as a priority!!
Stay strong, you need all the self love you can give yourself and having someone not fighting in your corner with you will only deplete that! It’s so hard but it’s so worth it!
This! The partners who manipulate shouldn't have so much power and yet, sex is a very delicate thing. It can be so easy to feel like it's your own fault and to blame your body, which is still where I'm at to some extent, although I have the benefit of hindsight creeping in! I really feel the same about being alone rather than putting up with treatment that isn't just poor but isn't enough. I'm so sorry previous partners said you 'lie' about your pain - how horrific to not feel validated and seen! Equally, how amazing that your partner is so proactive in supporting you through it!! I can't tell you how much I appreciate your reply. Thank you 😌
Ive no advice really just wanted to say well done for putting yourself 1st as this is not your fault. Im so sorry he acted like that.I was diagnosed jan 2024 by lap surgery and after a mri im now waiting for full hysterectomy this year as ive been waiting 9 months so far. At 1st i felt this was all my fault and i couldnt give my husband the sexual relation but he came to every app, every zoledex injection as his job is so understanding, i feel him seeing the pictures and hearing what im going through has helped us get our relationship back. Our sex life is very minamal as like you im in pain after so im so nervous to try but every now and then i do and he understands i may have pain after and really looks after me.
Oh my goodness bless you, I'm so glad you're getting the treatment you need and deserve but equally sorry that you have to go through it. Thank you for your message and kind words. I wish you all the best with your hysterectomy 😌
hi! Sorry to hear you were diagnosed so young. You did well to get ahead of the curve I think, and get rid of that relationship. Unfortunately you hear this more & more often. Men pressuring females to do what they want with no after though or consideration for the pain. When they don’t get it, they act like spoiled brats and move on, looking for someone healthy. It makes you wonder if they went through a similar issue what a female’s reaction would be. I’m currently awaiting diagnosis myself, at 39, they did find endo on the bowel after surgery for what they tought was a strangulated hernia. I’m in excruciating pain, life is not easy. My advise is to not stop in life, keep searching for someone, but disclose this info to them and be open, to save to any further pain down the road. It’s hard to find someone to accept the other person with all the baggage that comes but they are out there. I don’t think going through all this on your own for a long time is wise. You need a shoulder to lean on. We all do! Even doctors do the very minimal & don’t get involved much. If no partner on sight, talk to like minded people or meet them for coffee. To that extent, I’ll be writing a post myself about my issues. And also to see if I can maybe meet similar people in Fife, Scotland, to exchange ideas and chat.
Take care, sorry to hear again you’ve started this journey. Way too soon.
Absolutely - there's a weird asymmetry isn't there between how women deal with it and how men would if they had to themselves. I'm so sorry about your pain. Thank you for your advice, writing my post on here has really helped so far in feeling less alone, it warms my heart that people take the time to reply. What a brilliant idea to gather people in a similar situation in your community! Best wishes ☺️
I don't have much to add which hasn't been said already but want to say I'm in my late twenties and now with a partner who is completely understanding and caring, has sat with me at appointments, helped feed me and bathe me when I had my laparoscopy and even high fived me after a smoothie he made me help me go to the toilet pain free after my surgery! I never believed I would find someone who could or would want to support me, but they are out there and you deserve it. The endo is not your fault, and you are worthy of love, respect and kindness just like anyone else <3 Anyone who does not understand or respect what you're fighting each day is not worthy of your time and effort. Sending hugs and strength to you
Wow, what a lovely story - in spite of the pain, finding someone who supports you in such an intimate, loving way. Thank you so much for your words, they have strengthened my resolve and reassured me about my decision ☺️
I’m so sorry you’ve had this experience. To suffer through Endo symptoms and diagnosis process is hard enough, let alone these additional partner experiences. They’d be awful comments and treatment in any circumstance and I’m so sorry you’ve had to go through that. I can only imagine the shame and self blame and guilt that’s piled on top of the grief we all go through with learning to live with a condition like this as well as any relationship ending
Everyone else has said so much and it is all so true.
I’m 30 and in a 13.5yr relationship and it’s incredibly hard, right now it has been months with no sex because of pain but also their fear of causing me pain. I have found pelvic physio and ohnut to be really useful in managing my pain better intimately but it’s a constant rollercoaster and it’s hard for both parties. But that is no way an excuse for what you’ve experienced and described. It’s a minefield though
It is a LOT all at once, more than I realised but honestly, reading replies like yours helps greatly. It makes me see what I couldn't at the time and realise how great the impact of comments like that can be.
You hit the nail on the head a bit in what you say about the partner's fear of causing you pain being a valid factor too. That was how my partner felt too but ultimately, in my circumstances, it was causing me emotional pain and the pressure became too great. Minefield is the right word!
Thank you for your message of being in it together, it really feels that way! ☺️
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