Hi, I've posted on here before about various things to do with my mental health. I have anxiety and suffer from depression due to my anxiety and I take sertraline and have done for over a year now. Unfortunately this hasn't done much for me in terms of making me feel 'better'. I'm a student at university and I live away from home, which is when most of the issues came to head and presented themselves to me, even though I've suffered for as long as I can remember.
Long story short, I think I may have BPD and I know it isn't good to self diagnose so I am going to get to a doctor as soon as I can pluck up the courage as I always find they aren't much help for me. I have been in a relationship ship for a while now and my boyfriend and I have both realised that I am not ok. I rely heavily on him and by heavily I mean I would rather die than not be with him, seriously. And it's taking its tole, I'm possessive and controlling even though I have no idea I'm doing it. I have the shortest temper ever, I can explode and say the most hateful things and regret it afterwards. I'm in a constant state of worry that all my friends, family and bf are going to suddenly abandon me to the point where I'll stay up the entire night worrying about it, sometimes this leads to be literally vomiting because my anxiety is so high. My self worth is evidently very low, I feel annoying and a burden to those around to the point where isolate myself from everyone but then get upset that I'm lonely. I've started to self harm again and I often drink a lot and smoke a lot when I get the chance to the point where it's unhealthy.
I can't admit to myself how bad it's gotten and I live in this fucked up world inside my head where I'm jeopardising all my relationships because I'm scared of losing the people I'm closest to (?). It doesn't make any sense and I'm extremely confused.
If anyone has BPD, it would be nice to have your opinion and maybe how your own BPD manifests. I am at a loss of what to do for myself because nothing seems to be helping me and the sertraline I'm on right now seems to be making things worse.
Thanks for the help